BOWIE VS. DYLAN

Can I interest you in a vintage year for this podcast episode, maybe a 1965, perhaps?

No more Bowie dominance in the year 1977, no more personal rock bottoms for poor, lost Bob Dylan, and even more so his embattled family.  Just sweet, pure, unadulterated, mythic, apocryphal, top of the world musical dominance from Bob Dylan that will last forever and ever, er, I already forgot about my opening metaphor, which if I remember correctly was a bottle of wine, so...maybe...Dylan fans will drink it up heartily while Bowie fans will swish it around for a sec then spit it out onto their couches.  Does that satisfy the metaphorical requirements?

What's that you say?  What was Bowie doing in Dylan's best year, whoops spoiler alert?  Ummm, was he even David Bowie yet?  Weren't there some flailing attempts at bands and singles and...other stuff?  What's that you say?  Who cares?

Charlie and all the other Bowie fans out there care, that's who, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

1977, ho hum, nothing much happening here at Bowie vs. Dylan podcast, just a random year of the comings and goings of David Bowie and/or Bob Dylan.  Let's see, what might be the rub?  Probably an album or two apiece from the two of them of varying quality and breadth, some number of singles from Bowie and maybe one from Dylan (if we're lucky, that is), a tour or something, certainly the ridiculous exercise of assigning points to their subjective pursuits coming out in the wash to basically a tie.  I mean, that's been the story, more or less, since this podcast's inception 61 episodes ago, what could possibly be the big difference this time around?

(Puts on this very episode, vigorously checks notes while half-listening, becomes increasingly horrified)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...there's no other way to say it, it's a bloodbath.  Although looking at the year (1977), I bet you can't tell which artist comes out on top!  You'll have to listen yourself to find out who!  Oh boy, who could it be?!?!?!?

(Slowly starts laughing, changing uncomfortably over a matter of 30 seconds into maniacal guffawing, passes out, drools a little but clearly needs the time of relative rest and peace, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.)

David Bowie: Say there, good chaps and chapettes!  I have a simple, but deceptively profound question to ask of you:

Good Chaps and Chapettes: Lay it on us, Bowie.

David Bowie: Brilliant!  So here goes-

Bob Dylan: Heeeeeeeey, Bob Dylan here, also with a question to ask of everyone.

Good Chaps and Chapettes: Hi Bob!  Well, as long as it's an incredible coincidence and the question is the same as David's...we suppose, because we have a ton of stuff to do around the yard today and we're not made of time, you know.

David Bowie: Should we just say it together, Bob, on the count of 3?

Bob Dylan: Is that on 3, or just after 3?

David Bowie: ON 3, man.

Bob Dylan: Stop yelling at me.

David Bowie and Bob Dylan: 1...2...HOW DEEP ARE THE CUTS?

Chaps and Chapettes: Our open wounds or musical tracks?

David Bowie: Most of my musical tracks ARE open wounds, metaphorically, well, anyway, we mean music.

Bob Dylan: a. DEEEP cuts?

David Bowie: b. DEEEEP cuts?

Bob Dylan: c. DEEEEEP cuts?

David Bowie: Or d. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP CUUUUUUTS?

Chaps and Chapettes: No all of the above option?  We feel it should be all of the above, on this very special 60th podcast extravaganza edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Jake: I'm back, baby!!!  Ready to again offer some of those patented witticisms that barely make any sense, for this latest episode of this here podcast.  What have you learned from your experience writing them, Chaz?

Chaz: I don't know, I'm exhausted from the effort I put in two weeks ago in your stead.  

Jake: Anything?  

Chaz: Uhhhhhh, small words followed by some big words, followed once again by some smaller ones?  Maybe describe what happens in the episode, but only enough info to tantalize potential new listeners into giving us a shot?

Jake: Thanks, professor.

Chaz: Bowie invents the internet YET AGAIN by releasing a streaming live album with the absolutely atrocious name of "You'll Have to Listen To Bowie vs. Dylan To Find Out"...dotcom.

Jake: Dylan swaggers around the world, huffing that sweet sweet career comeback glue and putting in more than minimal effort to win a frickin' Oscar the following year.

Chaz: Bowie himself posts some stuff on his website that I was absolutely a part of when it started.  In fact, call me [email protected] from now, would you please?

Jake: Yes, sir, [email protected]!

[email protected]: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Jake: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Early PC Computer Voice: On this 2000 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Jake: 

Charlie: Whoa... Jake usually writes these semi-coherent ramblings, most of which don't really even make sense until after you've already listened to the episode, but it looks like he missed this one so I'm coming in at the last minute to throw something together. Unless, Jake, you want to take over?

Charlie: Yeah, so I don't remember much about Dylan on this one... I think he did some pretty crappy stuff? Like a bad album probably? But then he also did The Traveling Wilburys, who were pretty ace so it balances out. I think we talked about making a Traveling Wilburys childrens' book series. It's a humorous portion of the podcast. Jake, any other thoughts?

Jake:

Charlie: You heard it here, folks. Listen in to a podcast that does actually feature both normal hosts, we swear, on the 1988 edition of Bowie Vs. Dylan.

Jake: Well, here we go with another totally normal, on-point, focused edition of Bowie vs. Dylan!  What do you say, Chaz?

Chaz: I'd say that you've already gotten us off track by listing too many adjectives to describe how lean and mean this episode, which is live right now, is going to be.  JAKE.

Jake: You're one to talk!  You could have just said "lean", it's clear, but you just HAD to stick a rhyme scheme in that makes your statement neither lean NOR mean.

Chaz: Well, according to my calculations, before I even said anything, my Podcast Brevity Algorithm, PBA for short, patent pending, suggested that we were on track for a 61 minute episode, which as we've discussed at length, is unacceptable.  But now that you've RUINED EVERYTHING ALREADY, we might as well delve into as many tangents as humanly possible, I mean, it's only natural.

Jake: You know, that reminds me of a time when I thought I was on a tangent, but I was actually talking about what I meant to talk about.  The year was 2009 and I had just almost murdered a...crap, I forgot to press record again, we'll have to start over, we've been talking for 90 minutes with no podcast.

Chaz: I can't even look at you.  I'm blocking your FaceTime video while I start this 1998 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan. (big sigh)...Okay, ladies and gentleman, IIIIII'M Charlie, and IIIIII like-

Jake: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!?!?!?  Chaz, turn your FaceTime back on!!!

Chaz: I hate you so much!  Wait, what?  It's a topless man doing a strangely hypnotic dance full of odd moves and contortions!  Where'd he even come from?  How is he interrupting a podcast? And what's that written on his chest?

Jake: Looks like...BOWIE.NET BOMB?

Chaz: It's the future of the internet, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

The myriad choices for your preferred Super Deluxe Edition of this Bowie vs. Dylan Podcast 2014 have arrived by magic horseback, delivered by hand, by Bob Dylan and David Bowie!  Aren't you thrilled?  Check out all the special deviations and features, and pick your favorite to own, or your most favorite favorite, since you'll for sure want them all:

7 CDs, 14 LPs, 1 DVDs: Bowie looks suave as H, making you slightly uncomfortable to show the 70 page booklet of Hot Granddad Bowie photos to your Granddaughter.  Dylan looks like his Vincent Price mustache has been poorly CGI'd right off his ancient yet eerily smooth face, making you equally uncomfortable in a totally different way to show the photos to your Granddaughter or anyone else really.  Cost: $85

1 CDs, 1 LP, 14 DVDs: Whoops, we had found even MORE hand-written lyrics from Dylan's Basement Tapes years, and accidentally included the originals in this boxset.  Those are practically priceless.  Please send this one back!  Cost: Priceless

0 CDs, 22 LPs, 0 DVDs: Jazz Covers Edition!  Bowie records exactly one (1) jazz cover for inclusion, the remaining content are Dylan's efforts, totaling one thousand (1000) mellow, crooning contributions.  Cost: $235

390 CDs, 0 LPs, 0 DVDs: 195 separate "Best Of" compilations for each of Bowie and Dylan's greatest contributions to music.  195 different chronological track listings each, 195 different orderings based on country where sold for each, 195 different hand-drawn album cover arts for each.  1 result: INCREDIBLE SUCCESS.  Cost: $4290. Note: set cannot be broken up into individual compilations.

10 CDs, 10 LPs, 100 DVDs: This episode and this episode only re-enacted word for word in different podcasting styles by some of the biggest musical stars of the day never to be knocked from their cultural pedestal ever: Jim James! Elvis Costello! Taylor Goldsmith! Rhiannon Giddens! Marcus Mumford?!  Producer: T-Bone Burnett.  Listener: YOU.  Cost: $1,000,000 

0 CD's, 0 LP's, 0 DVD's: One (1) podcast broadcast for free ($0) via all of your favorite podcast platforms and players.  Cost: $0

Myself and Chaz bought all of them, even the weird "priceless" one, so if you're any kind of fan you'll follow suit, just kidding, we love you, on this 2014 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Dye your horsehair red, dolled-up dogies, and join us for an olden yet futuristic romp with David Bowie and Bob Dylan through the year 1973!  Meet your cast of characters:

David Bowie: I'm one of the biggest stars in the universe.  Or STARdusts, IF you know what I mean!

Bob Dylan: Heeeey, me too!  Except substitute the space metaphors for old west ones.  Literally everyone on earth knows who I am in 1973, whether I like it or not, which I definitely don't.

Sam Peckinpah: I don't know who you are.  Who is this kid?  I mean, who is this Billy the Kid?

Kris Kristofferson: Sammy...what?  It's my good friend Bobby!  Ever since I swept up his commemorative one millionth cigarette butt in 1966, I've found him to be the most magnetic acting presence anyone's ever done laid eyes on!

Sam Peckinpah: That's patently untrue.  But...as a young, hungry, up-and-coming musician, I guess he might have a future?

ColumBS Records Executives: Well, he did, Sam, he really did, he used to, we guess, until he disappointed us deeply by continuing to sell millions of records but not releasing super-classics every 5 months.  I know!  Let's release his worst album to convince him to stay on with us now that we kicked him to the curb but then he unexpectedly had a gigantic hit.

David Bowie's Outrageous Red Mullet: This is my time, baby!  

Bob Dylan's Slightly Subdued Fro: This is my time to get shoved under a period-specific Stetson cowboy hat!  Check me out again starting in the year 2000 and continuing until the end of time.

David Bowie's Fans: AAAAAAAAAGHGGHHGHGHGHHGHGH WE LOVE YOU ZIGGY WE BOUGHT ALL YOUR RECORDS!!!!

Bob Dylan's Family: AAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHHHHHGGHGHH, Mexico is hell for us.

The Spiders From Mars: Wait, what did David just say? Did we just get canned on stage in front of thousands of fans who definitely love us just as much if not more than David Bowie? He couldn't have just-

David Bowie: You're fired!  Sorry, not sorry, mates, on this 1973 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: Circuit City brand electronics store, circa 2006.

Bob Dylan fan #1: Heeeey.  I'm looking for that sweet new Bob Dylan long-playing music album, my brother, where can I find it?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhh-

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Don't hurt yourself, friend, I'll just look...over...here, next to the....other consumer electronic merchandise?  Which, now that you mention it, appears...barren?

David Bowie Fan #1: I can relate!  Bowie might as well change his name to David BARREN for all the new albums he's been putting out lately, amiright?  It appears that he's in the middle of some unexpected hiatus, a vacation, a Bowie Breather?  A Bowie Break? A Bowliday?  Maybe we should do this using his first name, but I just can't seem to get it, oh well, it will never be named by anyone ever.

Bob Dylan Fan #1: I'm just looking for Dylan's new album, it went #1 in 47 countries, it's tots controversial?  It's called Modern Times?  Anyone?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: (drooling)

Intercom: Dear former Circuit City customers, Circuit City is going bankrupt as we speak! Please cheerfully clear the floor so that the remaining merchandise can be hauled to the nearest area Best Buy for resale, including the only known copy of Bob Dylan's Modern Times!  Thanks for never shopping at YOUR Circuit City ever again, byeeeee!

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhh, on this 2006 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Welcome to the 40th Annual Retrospective Spectacular of the 22nd Annual Grammy Awards !!! Here's your host, Kenny Rogers:

Kenny Rogers: Honestly, looking back, what a cluster this was.  Why are we having another retrospective of the 1980 Grammy Awards?  I think at this point you just gotta know when to fold em'.  

Bob Dylan: Heeeey, what did I win?  I mean, what did Jesus win?

Grammy Award for Best Rock Vocal Performance, Male: Me! You won me!  Or am I Best Rock Performance, Solo, or was it Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance, or...WHO THE HECK AM I, anyway, this is a heckuva time to have an identity crisis, this was supposed to be my night!

Best Disco Recording: Me, I can't WAIT to be back next year, and the year after that, and until the end of time or recorded music, whichever comes first.  What a time to be alive and to always be a part of the Grammy's forever!

David Bowie: Erm...did I win anything?

Jake and Charlie: This podcast episode, Bowie.  You handily won this episode, on this 1980 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.