Many self-help gurus like to validate our pain or perhaps soften it, but do they actually provide ways of healing it? We come off retreats feeling so high, only to return to our communities feeling a larger divide between “us” and “them.” Good self-help, or “self-care,” should aim for healing, which can ache sometimes because we’re forced to take an authentic look at ourselves.

How hasty are we in our response to others? How do we know the accuracy of our interpretations? Rather than seek truth, we often project our own issues onto the behaviors of others. Our emotional states and unresolved conflicts easily muddy the waters of our current experiences. Rather than react, we might be better to listen to others a little more closely.

“Flow” is the moment in your life when you’re so immersed in what you’re doing that it seems timeless. Although you’re engaged in great effort, it seems natural and effortless. Things seem to unfold easily. Flow points us to our authenticity, because we’re not seeking gain or approval. Instead, we are engaged in who we authentically are.

The Buddha taught “attadipa,” which essentially means “be islands unto yourselves.” We get easily swept up by the opinions of others, and this can cause suffering. If we become sustainable unto ourselves, we aren’t affected—good or bad—by how others regard us. We mindfully investigate the words and actions of others in our uncovering of truth, but we don’t depend on the words and actions of others for our self-worth.

We look in awe at the moon when it is full and bright, but we don’t often acknowledge it during the day or during its various stages. The moon gives us hope, knowing that we are always in a stage of waxing and waning. We aren’t meant to shine bright all the time. It bows in subservience to the sun and the Earth.

Each Friday I couldn’t wait to watch the next episode of “Falcon and the Winter Soldier.” It would be first on my list of things to do rather than waiting until evening, when my “have-to’s” were done. Impulse control and delayed gratification are part of emotional intelligence, which has been a better indicator of life success than IQ or SAT score. We can better manage our time, energy, and life if we get off our sensory overload.

How is it we hate to be alone yet we insist the world revolves around us? If we insist that we are “social beings,” why do we persist in acting in our own self interest? On the other hand, people criticize those who seek to better themselves for the sake of living better in a community. Ultimately that is our social responsibility. If we want to eschew secular or religious law, we can’t ignore spiritual laws that govern not only our communities, but also ourselves. That includes the law of cause and effect.

Our environment affects us in many ways. If our outer world is toxic, it feeds on our inner toxins, and we respond with the same toxicity. We must pay attention to what our external environment feeds us and limit or give up media or people who nourish our afflictive emotions. If we can’t avoid or limit these people or media, it’s all the more important for us to spend time alone to nourish our minds and spirits with healthy “food.”

Belief in God and religion altogether is waning, even though research shows that faith in a divine being that connects us improves our lives in different ways. I don’t know if solitude is possible without God, but it certainly is much more pleasant and peaceful.

We go to extremes to get noticed, but that isn’t sustainable. It’s also inauthentic. We might put on an act to try to get more likes for our videos, articles, and pictures, but there will always be another who goes further to the extremes. Then we feel compelled to act more extreme, even though we know it’s a lie. Then all we see on our feed is extreme content, and moderate content gets lost or overlooked. Balance and moderation might seem “boring,” but it is the only enduring path.