Velcome, velcome, velcome to part one of Dracula. Possibly the most famous Gothic horror novel of all time, Bram Stoker’s masterpiece is, for the uninitiated at least, a surprisingly complex read full of uncomfortable yet strangely compelling eroticism! We cover chapters 1-9 and tell our weekly stories. Theo has no idea how he’s supposed to edit this. Jackie meets a new friend and promptly throws her under the bus. Rachel doesn’t think people really need to know about the Germans. Topics include: birthday butt-grabs, Codies, friendless chickens, Amanda Bynes, a knock-down drag-out fight about sons of dragons/devils, dying like a man, Pusha T, paprika troubles, Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It, a long-suffering karaoke bar employee, Drac ‘n John, Vlad the Impaler, opening a can of wamp-ass, Kim K, Kanye, and North West, cowboy puns, and important gay stuff.

Content warnings: sexual assault, violence, death, baseless accusations of skeeziness leveled against many different nationalities