So, back in my car in the parking lot, unsure of what to do, trying all the things that aren't working this time. Is this hormones or grief or the holidays or winter disorder or exhaustion or something worse? Is this depression? I can't really do any of this. I can't stop crying, can't clean, can't get warm, can't get good dreams, can't even get the house in order to get the Christmas tree. Is it ok not to do anything? Will I ever be ok with the holidays without my mom? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be ok with my dad's girlfriend? I have a deep dread. I am bloated and need my doctor to call me back to tell me if this is a normal reaction to the birth control pill. The last time I took the pill I was in college and I completely lost my mind. I think I have to stop, again. And just let nature and grief take it's course....I need community, but I need it without having to organize it. I need to call my mom, but I can't, so I did this. Maybe its ok to be sad? What happens if I stop doing? Meditation, nature, water, rest. It's supposed to help. This time it's like I just can't stop this river of emotion and it's making life impossible. I hope this is temporary. Everything is, which leads me to think about death and doom. I want to be able to do this work and hold space for people but I take it all on and it gets stuck inside. I still don't know what I really want to do with my life.

Britt, Seylah and Nya hang out on the living room floor doing crafts and trying to remember all the things - like Nya breaking her ankle at soccer, Seylah going to try out 3rd grade for two days but choosing to stay in 2nd with her friends. And the cat is sick. Britt does therapy at 7;30am on zoom but had to hide from the girls who sleep next to her. Which she loves. And more. It’s been a time of going in and nurturing for us over here. All this loss is an opportunity for connection so today is an unplanned day. Our favorite kind.

At Children's Hospital (Uptown Denver) the "nurse" Maja sawed the cast off Seylah's arm, and sawed Seylah's arm in the process. We're in discussions with the grievance department about how to rectify the situation and ensure Maja never touches another child again. When you can't protect your kids, that's one thing. But when health care providers don't care for your child, hurt your child, and don't believe your child, let alone apologize...now that's a different story.

Britt promises Sey that she will make sure Maja "gets in trouble."

Britt's name in college was "Trouble" so here we go.

Britt checks in for the first time in a while, processing her anger towards her mom and aunt for making fun of her "27 jobs" and signing up to be a death doula....along with questions about rest, neighbors, marriage, safety, security and anxiety that he might win. Seylah tries 3rd grade for 2 days. Some girls are being mean to Nya. Britt starts progesterone and gets hot. Saxon gets in a car accident and is now on a trip to perform at a private party while Britt works and gets the house cleaned and gets new eye glasses and enjoys the s-p-a-c-e. Just another day in this post full moon-cold weather heading our way-time as we build Three Things and raise these kids and work through loss, love, marriage, parenthood, money and life. Thanks for being on the journey with us.

Love, b

PS - Join us now every Thursday on Unsent Show Podcast! https://open.spotify.com/show/5DTAwauUYu2IcdVQgwcEDq?si=41f52e45b9554c44

Woke up to our dead fish. So sad. The heater malfunctioned and it got to 110 degrees. How does that happen? He burned to death in water. Boiled fish. We are so sad. Nya and I cried. Saxon made jokes. Seylah tried to not go to school. Allergies and asthma and new germs are impossible for this child. Seylah sprained her wrist yesterday at the bike ramp park to try and celebrate a birthday. So many birthday parties. God help us.

How do you allow your kids to seperate? Seylah wants to go to sleepovers alone. Nya wants Seylah to do everything with her. Some bday parties allow siblings, others don't. We invite everyone to avoid hurt feelings, but now they are growing into a new season. Bonds are being formed. I worry my kids won't have close friends but no point in worrying, they are amazing and social and it's only the 4th day of 1st and 2nd grade. Saxon says they're too big to take a bath together. I burst into tears.

Seylah is already sick but has cute unicorn masks so that's good. In our dead fish haste this morning we were late and we forgot to put Seylah's underwear on! Omg. So I handled that with her sweet teachers. They have a sweet school.

We're working a lot. We're making music together. JC came to visit - yeah! And business growth and expansion and more writing and creative output is on the horizon now that mercury is done being retro.

Unsent is Sept 21st in Denver! https://omella.com/unsent

I'm practicing Tantric meditation - resilience through devotion - with Nita Rubio - high recommend! Thank you for the connectiong there, Kamali - https://www.kulayogini.com/about

I start my Life Review interviews in sept at the Denver Public Library. Fun times. We're going to get back to this podcast soon...I hope!

Love love love, B

Britt and Nya talk about the unplanned road trip (field trip), mommy hurting herself getting some rage (outrage) out at the Rage Room with a metal baseball bat, Gracie the dog died,...and more!

Britt sits at City Park and tries to remember where she's been and what's happened since May, including her Feeding Your Demons retreat, being offline, cancelling airplane trips, the end of year busyness of school, talent shows and poetry - and now - summertime with camps and insomnia and mountain trips. Her mom passed away July 13th - somehow Britt's made it through this year. She has a new therapist, and new neighbors, and no idea where her ambition went. Saxon will be back joining her this week for a couple's episode. Until then, we love you.

Britt misses her mom, immunizations for Philippines, marriage changes, and they stole the free sign from the front yard. Britt wishes she could laugh about this with her mama, so she records this instead. Winter is thawing out and the girls are riding bikes and becoming more and more of who they are. Britt tries to give herself grace and time around her creative projects and Saxon's at the gym. We will always be sad. And we are alive now.

Before Britt goes to LA and Saxon joins her, Britt puts life on record in advance of flying tomorrow. For the record, she needs her kids to be cared for by Jaja and Pa. And she needs the godparents to step into the role. And if you don't know or aren't sure, let's talk. It will take a village. It already does. This is Britt's first birthday without mama. Nya doesn't want her to go. She is hella emotional, as usual. And needs to do her will and advance directive. We love you. I love you Seylah and Nya.

Britt has Covid as soon as she slows down. The universe will sit you down. Saxon and Britt's 8th anniversary (since they met in Palm Springs) is Dec 31st. Kuumba is the 6th day of Kwanzaa - Creativity - this is fitting for us, our life, what we are constantly creating and evoling and uncovering together. Looking forward to making and creating miracles in 2024.