Show Notes – Michael Walker

Diagnosed with PTSD three years ago.  Up until then he thought he was flying but it turns out he was hiding a lot of things.

He had a very violent childhood.  Consequently, he was broken not long after being born.  He struggled with the rest of his life with panic attacks and hyper vigilance.  Under stress he would become vocal, under pressure he would become violent. 

Men don't talk or show emotion in this country unless we are cheering for the All Blacks.  The defence force was a good outlet for him because he got to lace up his shoes and use up some of that negative energy. 

There is a culture in our country where we just don't talk about the stuff that makes us tick and it is very dangerous.  It nearly cost me my life three years ago.  

He was in the navy from 1990 – 2003.  Resilience wasn't talked about.  There was some psychological assistance provided in certain circumstances but no one took it up.  Instead they would add a few kilometres to their run and then drink. 

He was in denial for many years.  Looking back now I realised he was having panic attacks.  He was very good at masking things and telling the stories that he thought people wanted to hear.

He threw himself at things where he would be deemed worthy.  He was looking for a sense of completeness.  And he found that in the defence force.  He thrived in that environment.  But he still had issues that he needed to deal with.  You can only run for so long and then it is like a jack in the box. 

He kept chasing those operational jobs after leaving the defence force. 

His default setting is to work harder, run further and be the manly man.  So there was pressure from the job and he got to a point where he tried to end his life. 

He felt that he had failed as a man in eyes.  But little did he know that the journey had only just begun.  

The people he met in the mental health system were amazing people.  When he entered the system he had an expectation like he had broken his arm – he thought they could fix him quickly.  They gave him an understanding of what was going on.  The medication took him back to a place where he wasn't suicidal but he was flat line.  Once he got to a point of understanding he got to a point of acceptance.   And then he paid for extra help.

His wife was an amazing support.  Without his wife by his side he wouldn't have made it.  She created a place for him where it was okay to cry, and be sad, and to be angry.  She didn't push him but she was always there for him.  He also made some amazing friendships with people. 

"Without disrespecting the mental health professionals; they could tell you the square root of a can of baked beans just by looking at it, they are amazingly intelligence.  But I am basic man, I just want to know how to open that can and sustain myself."

He formed relationships with people who had been down the same path as him.  It is always easier when you have people around you, supporting you.

He is a better man now because of his experience.  And it has showed him how many people love him.  And a lot of that support has come from men.  Because behind closed doors men will talk.

He and his wife were invited to open a conference to speak to people from the defence force.  And that is when he got out of the "mental health cupboard".  He admitted that he was an extremely vulnerable man.  But he was also blessed in that he has come back and survived and now is able to go on and help others.  He got to where he got to because he refused to have meaningful conversations.  So now he is happy to talk about his journey. 

There is a culture in this country where we just don't talk and to show any emotion is weakness. 

We have to create environments where you can talk and where you can share.  You have to have communicators who talk openly about their feelings.  They need an environment where they feel safe.  We need to communicate with other men that it is not weak to talk. 

We talk about the need for families to receive help from the mental health system to help them deal with their own suffering. 

We need to help defence force personnel as they transition into civilian life carrying with them the baggage of some of things they have experienced. 

David Benfell set up The Soldiers, Sailors and Airmens Association of New Zealand to provide wrap around services for ex service men and women.  Through outdoor activities they get veterans back together and replicate the comraderies and team spirit that is a big part of the defence force. 

We have a duty of care to help those who have fought for the freedoms that we often take for granted. 

Michael talks about how he chose to talk to his managers and his colleagues about his mental health issues.  Everyone was very accepting and sharing of their own stories.  It is important to communicate honestly when you feel safe to do so.