Hi there,

In this week’s podcast, I tease apart the difference between being friendly and being friends. Michael asked if we can be friends with anyone. The short answer is no. Circumstances, interests, personalities, and preferences (on both sides!) can get in the way of friendship. But we can try to be friendly toward anyone and everyone. It’s easy to be kind to people who are kind to us. It takes more effort to be kind to people we don’t know well or don’t particularly like. Research shows that teens who help strangers are less likely to show delinquent or aggressive behavior three years later. Kindness is a worthy goal!

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on helping your child cope with big feelings, plus my new Full-Access Membership!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 133 - Can he be friends with people who don’t like him? (John, Age 8)

Ep. 129 - Kindest way to break up with a friend (Audrey, Age 9)

Ep. 122 - Excluded because he’s a boy (Calvin, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What is the difference between being friendly and being friends?

• Why is it generally a good idea to be friendly with people, even if they are not your friends?

• What are some reasons why two kids might not want to be friends with each other?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Friendship is not all-or-nothing.” What does that mean? (Hint: What are some different kinds of friends you have?)

Transcript

Does your grown-up have some keys on a key chain? Most adults carry around a bunch of keys. On my key chain, I have 3 keys for different locks in my home, another 3 keys for different doors at my office, a key to my car, plus a key to the art studio, where I study, in case I get there early. Those are a lot of keys, but I need them and use them often.

Friendship is a bit like carrying keys on a key chain. You don’t have to have just one. Different keys (or friends) can be relevant for different aspects of your life. But if you try to carry too many keys in your pocket at the same time, your pants could fall down! Yikes! That would not be good!

Just like keys, you can’t carry an unlimited number of friends.

But there’s also an important difference between keys and friends. You can just pick up a key and put it in your pocket, but friends get to decide if they want to be part of your life.

Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

My name is Michael, and I am nine years old. My question is, can you be friends with anyone?

Hi, Michael, thanks for sending in your question!

My first thought is that you might not want to be friends with everyone! It would be hard to be friends with someone you don’t have anything in common with or don’t interact with much. It would be unwise to try to be friends with someone who is frequently unkind to you. Plus, there’s a limit to how many friends you can carry in your mind and in your heart at one time.

My second thought is that not everyone is going to want to be friends with you! And that’s okay. Friendship has to go in both directions. Both people have to like and care about each other.

My third thought is that friendship is not all-or-nothing. You can have different kinds of friendships with different degrees of closeness. If you imagine a staircase of friendship, the bottom step might be a bus stop friend. Maybe you don’t know that kid well and don’t spend that much time with them, but chatting with them makes waiting for the bus a little more pleasant. On higher steps, you might have a math class friend or a soccer friend or a neighbor friend. You spend more time with them and know them better.

At the top of stairs, you might have a soulmate friend. That’s a friendship where you know each other very well and care about each other deeply. You only get about three soulmate friends in your whole life, and I’m completely making that number up, but the point is that soulmate friends are rare.

Sometimes, less intimate friendships deepen over time. Sometimes they don’t. Either way is okay. Every level of friendship has value and adds to your life and theirs. You might also make new friends or have friendships fade as you change, or they change, or your situation changes.

You can’t be friends with everyone, but you can be friendly toward everyone. What does that mean? Well, every person has worth, just because they’re a person. Every person deserves to be treated with kindness. Even if someone is not your friend, the right thing to do is to be polite, to recognize that they have feelings, just like you do, to assume that they have good intentions, and to try to be respectful even if you don’t know them well or don’t particularly like them.

It’s easy to be kind to people we like. When we’re able to be kind to people who aren’t our friends, that helps spread peace in the world.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.