How to believe?

How long does it take to believe?

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” I first heard this from Dale Carnegie in his book, Win Friends and Influence People, an excellent book by the way. My question isn’t how well we hold on to beliefs, but it’s is close. How long until we believe something new?

A hint is in the quote itself, “against his will.” I have to will to believe. I have to change my mind. The reason I’m diving into this idea today is parenting. I’m doing my best to parent 6 kids. Each one has their own challenge, and one of the common themes is often self-efficacy. I looked it up to be sure. Efficacy is the ability produce a desired result, so self-efficacy is your own ability to produce a result. The level of this ability is tied to your level of belief. Remember Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”?

I only change my mind when forced. When my ability to produce a result is too small, I must change my beliefs. I must examine my approach. Back to my question, how long does it take?

Like cooking, pressure can speed up the process. Desire can add pressure. If you really want the result, then you’ll be faster to examine your beliefs about what’s possible. Too much pressure and things can blow up. You must be careful to apply just enough but not too much, the Goldilocks conundrum.

Jocko Willink and Leif Babin popularized the notion of extreme ownership in their book by the same title. In a way, they are saying, “No excuses.” If you take the extreme ownership approach to obtaining the desired result, you change your option set. You’ll considered ideas, otherwise, ignored.

How do you teach a teenager extreme ownership? You create a condition that is unfun. You declare if the result is not achieved then you don’t get what you want, and they have to want this very badly. It’s painful as the parent. I don’t want to see my child suffer, but I love them. I love them enough to insist on a little suffering now to be able to celebrate later. One large caution: this must be approach with love and attention. If you apply too much pressure, things can blow up. This an art not a science.

So how long does it take? Depends on how much it hurts. When desperate, you’ll believe very fast in what helps.