It's the triumphant return of WE HEART HARTNETT! It's also a return to Josh's late-career output with the very boring She's Missing, written and directed by Alexandra Mcguiness. A young woman named Heidi goes searching for her friend Jane, who appears to have become embroiled in a peyote cult led by Josh. This sounds cool and is not. We think it's, like, a commentary of some sort? Listen and decide for yourself!

Merry Christmas! This week we’re jumping back to the beginning of Keanu’s career to discuss the made-for-TV film Babes in Toyland, in which our dude co-stars with a young Drew Barrymore. Together they sing songs about the great city of Cincinnati, travel to a magical land of toys, and get framed for the crime of grand cookie larceny. It’s a short episode because time is tight around the holidays, but the boys are drinking Corona Light so you know it’s a good time!

This week: now that Keanu is a full-fledged leading man, it’s time to star in a sweeping, romantic period piece. He teams up with Alfonso Arau, hot off the success of Like Water for Chocolate, to make A Walk in the Clouds, in which our dude plays the nicest soldier in the world, who returns from World War II and finds new meaning in life by hanging out with a Mexican family who owns a vineyard. All this plus classic stories about Jake and Matt’s dad!

William Gibson, largely considered the first cyberpunk author you read as a teenager according to an objective study, adapts his own short story with 1995's JOHNNY MNEMONIC, directed by Robert Longo! Our dude plays the titular Johnny, a data courier in a corporate dystopia where we are at once inundated with data to the point of illness, and denied anything not approved by aforementioned corporations. A real murderers row of stars here: Ice T, Henry Rollins, Dolph Lundgren and Takeshi Kitano. Johnny finds himself in a deal gone wrong with a whopping 320GB stored in his 160GB capacity brain. Thus commences a ticking clock until complete cerebral meltdown where Johnny learns to make friends and stick it to Big Pharma. Joining us is Gita Jackson (Kotaku), who teams up with Patrick to steer things towards The Matrix constantly. This is a fun film, all style without substance, but GREAT style. Watch Electric Dragon 80,000V or Tetsuo The Iron Man if you haven't and you like this shit. Cheers.

Reeves, Hopper, Bullock, Daniels, Morton, Jan de Bont at the mf helm, winner of 1995's Academy Award for best sound editing/mixing: it's SPEED (1994)! This is a big one for our boy, setting him up as a bona fide action star as LAPD SWAT member Jack Traven (more like Jacked Traven right?!). Hopper plays Howard Payne, disgruntled ex bomb squad who honestly just wants his damn pension, even if it entails elaborate extortion games with explosive-rigged speedometers. Hapless commuter Annie (Sandra Bullock) and Jack vibe under the highly erotic threat of possible death. Vehicular mayhem ensues and if you don't already know the conceit of this one then that's sad and I won't spoil it here. Guest Andy Webb returns to help us discuss da freakin' bus that couldn't slow down! Strap in.

This week it's Little Buddha (1993), by Bernardo Bertolucci. Every now and then you run into these films by critically lauded directors tackling some large philosophical/theological/metaphysical theme and it just ends up....hollow. That's this! And it's for kids supposedly. Tibetan monks go to Seattle in search of the reincarnation of their old Buddhist teacher lama Dorje, seeing him in the person of Jesse Konrad, a little blond bowlcutted(?) boy. His parents are passive nothings. Eventually Jesse goes to Bhutan with his dad and meets other vessels for lama Dorje. Nothing really comes of it. Keanu plays the Buddha in a fascinatingly weird case of miscasting. Even visual wizard Vittorio Storaro can't save it. It's too long. Not fun to watch, but fun to pick apart.

Hey now! Keanu's second collab with the talented Mr. Gus Van Sant; This time we have the mystifying and often incoherent Tom Robbins adaptation of "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues", a surreal tale of one Sissy Hankshaw (played by Uma Thurman), a huge rubber-thumbed hitchhiking savant who feels it's her destiny to forever remain a nomadic free-wheeling spirit; that is, until she get's embroiled in a strange political battle at the Rubber Rose Ranch, an escalating plotline involving liberational Cowgirls, drugged-out Cranes, and literal douche bags. It makes almost no sense. Keanu has asthma and is pretty funny in it, though :)

The Bard doth speak in the immoderate winds of galvanic plenitude most loquacious by familiar visages and....it's our episode on Much Ado About Nothing by Billy Shakes. We are joined for this pithy, digression-heavy episode by Rachel Schenk (@IAMRachelSchenk), who once played the role our very dude plays, Don John, the villain! We discuss Kenneth Branagh's career, do a southern-accented Joker character, and attempt to tackle this adaptation of heavy literary material which stretches the abilities of your dummy philistine hosts. So sit back, fold clothes or do some chores or whatever. This is a long one. Don John is a man of few words, we are not.

Hello boils and ghouls, we have a nice long (they're all long tbh) Halloween spooktacular for y'all: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)! We have a Halloween soundboard and everything! This needs very little introduction; it's the classic Dracula story with the major addition of a romance between the titular count (Gary Oldman) and Mina Harker (Winona Ryder), maybe involving reincarnation (?). As far as Keanu's legacy this is maybe most famous for saddling him forever with the popular idea that he's a stiff, wooden actor who is "bad." Now, is this performance labored? Yes. Is he clearly JUST struggling to deliver lines in something resembling an English accent and still failing half the time while forgetting to ACT in the process? Maybe. But for real it's not that bad and otherwise this movie is a visually sumptuous masterpiece and a must-see, not just for horror fans, with extremely memorable performances. Get on it and happy Halloween!