When we tell ourselves about not being defined by something we generally mean not talking about it. The traumas that happen and that we don't want to be defined by we don't talk about and so we don't deal with them. They then become ‘the monster under the bed’. They end up controlling us because we haven’t dealt with them. We have to face these things head on. Feel the emotion then go back to what happened to us and incorporate it as part of our life experience.