My clients are often burned out high-achievers who come to me because they realize that they’ve been doing too much for too many people, taking responsibility for more than what is theirs to handle, and struggling to say no or make clear requests of others to step up. They long for a sense of balance so that they can continue making a contribution without sacrificing themselves.

Sound familiar?

If so, I’m excited to share with you the concept of centered responsibility.

To get a sense of what I mean by centered responsibility, I invite you to experiment for a moment:

First, as much as is possible for your body, sit upright, aligning your bottom, belly, heart, and head with each other. Then, lean your body forward, imagining that the leaning forward stance says, “This is mine to handle.”

Then, lean backward. Imagine that the leaning back stance says, “This is not mine to handle.”

Finally, look for the place between leaning back and leaning forward, where your bottom, belly, heart, and head align as much as possible. This is the shape of centered responsibility. Centered responsibility is the ability to discern what is and is not ours to handle and respond accordingly even in really challenging and uncomfortable moments of challenge.

Over-responsibility is the state of habitually leaning forward and taking responsibility for more than what is ours to handle. Notice if you can see yourself in any of the following examples of over-responsibility:

Stepping in to save the day when others are capable of handling things adequately

Taking charge in areas in which you’re highly competent rather than giving others space to learn

Doing all the work in the group project

Blaming yourself when a team project doesn’t go as you hoped, despite the fact that you showed up fully and others did not

Saying yes when you really want to say no in order to avoid disappointing others

Saying yes to more than what realistically fits in your schedule

Stepping in for your boss who lacks leadership skills

Speaking up on behalf of another person in an effort to avoid conflict

Parenting your parents

Blaming yourself for anything that is another person’s responsibility

Under-responsibility is the state of habitually leaning back and not taking responsibility for that which is ours to handle, for example:

Blaming time itself for the fact that you wish you had more of it rather than doing the painful work of choosing priorities and saying no to what you just don’t have time for

Ignoring your feelings

Ignoring your needs

Not making clear requests for what you need and want

Lashing out at loved ones rather than learning to communicate your needs more effectively

Stockpiling grievances or growing resentful of others

Gossiping or complaining about other people rather than addressing your conflicts with them directly

Draining your energy by trying to do it all rather than creating systems and fostering relationships that support you

Burnout often arises when we are over-responsible in some areas—like taking on more than our fair share of work—and under-responsible in other areas like not setting limits or communicating our needs.

Now, sometimes in life, we have to take on more responsibility than is ideal for us. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice our own needs to tend to a sick loved one, aging parent, small child, or community campaign. And often, it’s just plain painful that we don’t have time for all the things we long to do. Time management is grief work. There will always be more that we want to do than time to do it, and that can hurt.

And, at the same time, the more we practice centering, the more our habitual default state can become centered. And the more our default state is centered, the more gracefully we can dance between leaning forward and leaning back—between taking responsibility and creating space for others to do so as well.