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Christmas Shopping
Bob almost loses his popcorn, while Miles has a nervous breakdown instead of a hot dog.
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And that’s what she said. Oh, my God. There we go. Oh, this is King Moonstar. Welcome to Static Radio. King Moonstar, how are you tonight? I’m great. I’m flying around the island. Which island would that be? Well, you know what island that would be. That would be the island of Misfit Tours. Of course, I should have known. With a Charlie in the box. That’s right. Charlie in a box. Nobody wants an elephant who can’t trumpet or something like that. Something like that, yes. I come from the imagination of Rankin and Bass. And my storyline was cut out. Yeah, I think so. Budgetary. Time constraints, Bob. Time constraints. This holiday special has been trimmed for time and I think he got caught you know, like playing with the dolls. No toy is truly loved unless a child loves it or something. I thought you were going to say Epstein Island for a minute. Yeah. That’d been funny. Okay, edit that in. I’m Captain… I’m King Moonstar from Epstein’s Island. Oh, well. Go figure. I don’t know. So, yeah, it’s holiday…
Yeah. Special time of year. It’s going to be Christmas pretty soon. Christmas 2025. 2025, exactly. Mm-hmm. So what did you wish for, little boy? I wish that you would be a huge dickhead tonight. Oh, well, your wish can be granted. All right. Hold on. Let me play a little music here. Oh, fuck. Your wish is granted. Exactly. Aren’t you glad? I know you’ve been waiting for this. Yeah, I know. Everyone is an asshole at the holiday season. I’m talking to one right now. Yeah. So I was out. I had to go out. I don’t think I want to do this very much anymore. I think I’m just going to stay in. Yeah. I don’t want to go out. I just want to stay in. All right, David Bowie. Yeah. Okay. Things don’t really change. Oh, I try.
I went out to pick up. I didn’t even go into the store. I just was there to pick up. Young boys. No, groceries and stuff. I didn’t even have to go inside. So I get to the pickup and it’s just assholes and elbows, right? It’s all wall-to-wall people. Didn’t you have an elf help you last time you did a story like this? Like there was some little… Yeah, the person was dressed as an elf, yes. A homunculus or something? A homunculus. So there’s only one spot to pick up in this particular place. And I have a smaller car, you know, no big deal. I can pull in there. So I pull in next to two trucks, a truck on either side. Mm-hmm. And normally, I’m very bad at parking. I wouldn’t say it. Let me put it a different way. I don’t care how I park most of the time. Okay. All right. I live in the Midwest. We have plenty of parking. Mm-hmm. There’s always parking available. You just have to walk a little bit. Don’t care. Mm-hmm.
But I pulled into this parking spot and I tried to pull right in the center because these two big trucks were on either side. Sure. So I got in there and then I usually pop the back of the hatchback and that way they can just put stuff in. And I asked them to shut it and I’m on my merry way. Sure. So I’m getting out of the… but I can only open my door just barely. And I’m not, you know, I’m not a yogi or anything. I don’t do any yoga or anything. So me, I’m also big. And so getting out of a car with very little room is not very conducive to my body type. Robert Conrad. Google that. If you don’t know who that is, Google it. And so I open my door as far as I can.
Louis Armstrong. Louis Armstrong. Okay. I see babies. I see babies. The wrong one. The wrong one. Okay. And so I opened my door as far as I can and I touch the mirror of this giant truck with these giant mirrors. And so, but I squeezed out. I mean, I didn’t bang into it. I gently put my doors wide as I could and then I had to slide my fat self out. I open and I start coming back and the window’s rolling down on the truck. Yeah. It’s this lady and her daughter and she’s like, you hit my truck. I go, I don’t think I hit it. I go, yeah, we’re kind of close here. I go, plus you’re over the line, which she was. I just got in the car and I ignored her.
because she was, she had this giant truck with these giant mirrors. It’s, it was like, she’s going to the store for fuck’s sake. And she’s driving this work truck kind of thing. This giant, like, you know three-quarter ton truck with these mirrors that stick out like a foot and a half. Got a dually and yeah exactly and I’m just like, Hey, I needed to pop the thing. I’m sorry about that. And then I slid in and shut the door and I was done. she didn’t like it too much, but apparently she got over it. I don’t know. She didn’t say anything else to me. Yeah. Uh, and I didn’t really do anything. I did. I did touch her car. I touched the mirror, but to be honest, my little car could not do anything to hurt her little car. Right. Like a Sherman. Yeah. I could have kicked that mirror and it wouldn’t even have budged, you know? Right. Right. And if I could get my leg that high and then, um,
So then I sit there, you know, and she gets her stuff before me, and then she leaves. And then the person comes out, and they’re pushing two carts. And it’s raining, by the way. Oh, no. And so she’s pushing two carts, and, like, the cart that’s trailing is, like, full of my stuff. I can tell because I know what was ordered, right? Mm-hmm. I’m like I thought that’s mine. I’m like, where are they going? And so then they took it all the way down on the other side and dropped off the first cart and then they came around to bring mine. And at this point, this person is angry. It’s raining. You know, they have to work. It’s very busy. And so then they’re
They come to me and then they’re just chucking shit in the back of the car. Like, yeah, you know, it’s like everything’s the whole car’s rocking, you know? Oh, geez. And I’m like, and you know, I’m sitting there, you know, waiting for my thing. I’ll say, thank you. Gone. Left the thing open. You know, no thank you. No, you know, I’m done. Wait, you let the hatch open? Yeah, yeah. Everything just took off. Oh, wow. I was reading an email or something. I look up. She’s gone. Yeah. And then I look in the parking lot across the way, and there’s a bag of my popcorn laying in the parking lot getting rained on. And I go, and then she’s gone. I had to get out. I had to go get my popcorn like, you know, an idiot in the middle of the parking lot before it got run over. And he’s pigeon toed. So it looked really funny. Yeah. So I’m already like, I messed myself up getting out with the door so close. Yeah. And then I throw my popcorn on top of my wet pile of groceries and
And I shut my hatchback and I’m out of there. I’m like, these fucking people. Yeah. I’m never fucking going to the grocery store. Never again. Everyone is such an ass at the holidays. I’m just like, oh my gosh. Yeah. Just strewing my shit all through the parking lot. I’ve never seen that. I’ve gotten plenty of those pickups, but I’ve never seen that kind of attitude. Total attitude. My chips are all getting crushed. It’s a whole thing. I thought you were losing weight. I still eat chips. And popcorn? Jeez. You should put that soda in first. On top of everything. Yeah. Put the heavy stuff in first. No. So that was my experience. I’ve got people hassling me. They’re over the line. They’re blaming me. Mr. Tough guy. Merry fucking Christmas to everybody. Just threw my shit all over. I paid for it. It’s already paid for. Who gives a shit if your popcorn gets run over? It’s already paid for. It’s probably those ladies in the truck. They’re like, I will give you 20 bucks. No, they never interacted with my person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I was just like, oh my gosh, these people. It’s raining. I know they don’t want to do this. I mean, they don’t want to do it, right? I don’t want to do it. That’s why I was there. I was there to pick up. I don’t want to get out in the rain. You’re not getting nine bucks an hour for nothing. Now you get out there and you… I don’t know what the… No, they get more than that now. I’m joking. It was a joke. Oh, okay. Sorry. I’m sure they get more than nine bucks an hour when I get out here. They don’t make the same as you. No, I get 10. So I can brag. I got a raise. Yeah. So I was just like, I’m like, never again. I’m never going to get groceries in my whole life. I’m just going to, I’m going to become a farmer. Make your wife go. Yeah. Well, I go, yeah, I go because she, I, I have gone to get the groceries as long as I can remember.
That’s almost a true statement as well. Wow. No, I believe you. Yeah. Wow. Really? I’ve never gone that bad before. That’s weird. Oh, I know. Normally I get the guy, I get the people are nice and they chat with me and they’re, you know, I know when it’s raining, it’s horrible to drag out all that stuff, but I’m like, you know, it was, it was super busy. Yeah. Normally I don’t go during super busy times. I usually try to avoid that, but not anymore. No. Yeah. It didn’t work. Yeah. Yeah. Not nice. Didn’t want to be there. Hated their job. I don’t know. Whatever. Probably sucks. Can you go outside? You go inside? You go outside. I would have done it. I mean, I work shitty jobs. Yeah. Yeah, you do. I would have took that job over the shitty job that I had. You work 12 different jobs. I know. That’s what I’m saying. Everybody has them.
You work three jobs a day, man. At one point, I did have three jobs in a day. You’re right. But I’m just saying that’s the motivator to get you to get a better job. Yeah. Well, God bless. I mean, God bless the people who have to do that, man. I was like, fuck, I wouldn’t want to do it. So anyway, yeah. So Merry Christmas. Yeah. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. Yeah. And so this is Christmas. Yeah, I was thinking that song too, actually. What have you done? Left my popcorn in the parking lot. And didn’t shut the hatchback. I think it was a Ford King Ranch. Is that what those things are called? I don’t know what those things are called. Anyhow, what’s going on with you?
Well, you know, sometimes me and you think alike because I’ve got a shopping story, too. Oh, come on. Do we live near each other? I know. You would think that, like, we’re just best buds and we live in the same, you know, neighborhood or something. Exactly. Come on over. We’ll grill. Yeah, come on. I don’t know if you want me coming over for a grill outing. I don’t want you to come over with any regularity, no. I’d like to come over with, like, a buttoned-up shirt, but it’s all, like, unbuttoned, you know. Yeah. What’s up? You’re going to make me cry. What’s up? Did we mention big box stores by name on this show? I don’t know if we kind of. Yeah, I always say I was at Sam’s getting my. Okay. I’m going to say. All right. So a couple of weeks ago, my wife and son decide that we need to go start going to a place called Costco. Oh, the Costco. Yeah. The Costco. Yeah. Get a hot dog.
Well, I’m getting to that. Don’t speed me along. That’s one of their big things is to have a drinking hot dog. So this is not really like by my house. This is somewhat of a trek to go to this thing. You live even more podunk than I do. Yeah, I’m on BFE basically. And so I’m like, listen, everyone, I will drive. I’m Mr. Cool. I’m going to drive. Mr. Cool. Okay. I’ve taken, I’ve drank a half a bottle of Pepto, so I’m good to go. Yeah. Right. So I’m like, I will drive. I’ll be the man. I will drive. Okay. And, um, so we get close to the destination and I, I knew roughly where it was, but I didn’t, you know, I was like, okay. You have GPS on your phone. I don’t use it as much. Yeah. I don’t know.
No, it’s an area. It’s a big shopping area, but I thought I saw a sign for it on the other side of the highway. My wife assures me that I’m wrong. I’m like, I’m not wrong. She goes, no, you’re wrong. We have this big fight. I was like, okay. Yes, it was wrong. I was wrong. Obviously, he was wrong. I was wrong. She goes, turn in here. Okay. Turn here. Follow these cars. I didn’t even know where it was at. I’m like, oh, it’s like there’s no signs for it or nothing. I was like, oh, okay. It’s a huge fucking store. No, you’ve got to go through this feeder road down a couple miles or something to get to this thing. So I’m like, well, all right, so what’s going on? And they’re like, well, you want to go inside the building. I’m like, what? They’re like, yeah, you park inside the building. Really? They have you pick up inside? I’m like, what? That’s nice.
what’s this phenomenon? It’s like a warehouse and like half of it is just fucking parking. Yeah. I’m like, Oh, like this is where my 60 bucks a year is going. Okay. All right. So I’m trying to figure out, you know, cause there’s like all these entrances and I’m like, okay, I’ll just, I’ll go in one. I’ll just pick one. And then, you know, you got to stop for stupid people. You know, come on, motherfucker. Come on, man. Yeah. I just, I don’t know. I’m like, I just totally, feel like I’m being scammed from the word go. I’m like, oh, this sucks. I’m trying to park at the state fair or something. There’s people leaving. There’s people going. I’m like, God damn. Hey, fat boy, I can get you right up front for $5. If you want to door ding that Chevy, come here. That’s right. I don’t know why. I get a little nervous in situations like this. I don’t know why. I do. I understand.
I get a little bit of anxiety. And so I finally, I park and like, I’m just like, thank the fuck Christ. My man. And they, you know, these two idiots are so much fun. You’re going to love it. Like I already hate it. I don’t want to go in. I hate, I already hate this. I hate it. I’m going to get a big screen TV. Yeah. This is all a scam. I know this is a scam. I know it. And, uh, anyway, so we get in and, uh, they have to check your ID or something, or you have to prove. Yeah. You gotta have, you gotta prove that you’re supposed to be there. And of course the wife who heads up, the project does not have the identification ready to go. So she’s got to dig in her purse for 20 minutes. I’m like, okay. I can’t pull it. I was driving. Yeah. So, yeah. So everyone else is like, you know, trying to get past us. Like, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
And, uh, there’s a nice, uh, Asian lady, Asian lady running it. And, uh, for some reason i had on this stupid, uh, I have like this, uh, like this bears, like pullover you know, kind of thing and sweatshirt. It’s all you own, I think. Basically. Yes. And it’s got the name you basically walk around with a bear’s onesie and that’s your pretty much yeah and i don’t ever change it either and but it’s got the name of like some of the bears on it. Right. So, and, uh, She’s like, oh, she goes, what name? Well, look at those names. What are those names? And I’m bullshitting with her. She’s like, oh. I go, no, these are the apostles. These are Jesus’ apostles. She’s like, William Perry. I’m like, yeah. Yeah, it’s the refrigerator. He also knows the refrigerator. Yeah, she’s putting it all together. Like, oh, I didn’t know that. He’s one of the three wise men. Did you know that? Yeah.
I felt bad I had to tell her. There was radar range, refrigerator, and dishwasher. They all showed up for Jesus. Yeah. So now the selling point is like, well, you’ve got to come over to the food thing, Dad, because they’ve got cheap food here. I’m like, okay. Oh, they got cheap food at the Costco. Oh, the $1.50 hot dog, footlong hot dog. I wasn’t even hungry. I’m like, I don’t really want anything. You’re like, What do you, this face looks like it needs a big foot long in it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I don’t know. All these sketchy people, you know, sitting around, you know, gapping it up. Like, I don’t know. It’s like a big Petri dish in there. I’m like, I don’t know, man. There’s like a lot of people in here. I’m like, I don’t know. I’m sure. Well, it’s a buck 50 hot dog and a drink. I know. I’m just like, I don’t know. I have a thing about being around a lot of people. And it’s unlimited refills. So.
And it’s right by the exit. So like everyone with a cart is like, you know, slowly going past you, looking at you, touching you, you know, like, okay. And, uh, touching, squeezing each other. All right. So that gets done. So I was like, okay, now we’re going shopping for real. Now, here we go. I’m like, okay. And it’s just a, I don’t know. It seems so disorganized. I’m like, okay, this is a stop. This, Literally thrown all over. And I know you’ve been to these places too, but. Oh yeah. Now I take about three steps and all of a sudden, like my son and my wife are like, if people try to stop you to talk to you, do not talk to them. Do not engage. They have to prep you. Cause you’re like a special needs. Yeah. I’m like, I know. I’m like, what, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Don’t talk. I can’t, I can’t do that. Yeah.
I’m a people person. They’re like, no, do not, do not engage. They’re going to try to sell you a cell phone plan or something, or, you know, yeah. Yeah. Which I’m like, no, come on for 60 bucks a year. Certainly they wouldn’t have people harassing, you know, it, Nope, sure enough. I’m like, okay, okay, all right, all right. You’re like, is there any young ladies selling cosmetics? Because those are the ones I really like. I am a sucker. I am a sucker for young women selling cosmetics. You know that. Which my wife reminded me about. Oh, yeah, you’ll talk to some girl, won’t you? Uh-huh. She was kidding. All these women love to see people who look like they’re made of molten flesh. Basically, oh, Jabba, come here, you know.
And so I really had nothing to get there, you know, personally. I’m like, okay. So these two are, like, getting stuff. And God is looking out for me. You know, sometimes I want to doubt God, but then again, I’m on board with it, too. You know, I’m like, okay. Suddenly, like, my sciatic nerve kicks in. I’m like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. My leg, my hip, my hip. Uh, like every step, your pain. I’m like, okay. Right. And I’m at the back of the store. Yeah. Like we’ve been, yeah. And it’s like, are you okay? I’m like, no, no, it’s all right. Just keep going. Keep going. And I’m like, I gotta take a whiz and then I’m going to go back to the car, man. I’m like, fuck this. Oh man. Yeah. And I’m just like, I’m out of here. I just like ditched my family. Like, see ya.
I got the keys, man. I got sciatica. I got sciatica. I know. By some miracle, this thing acted up at the right time. I’m like, I’m out. Meanwhile, three carts full later, you’ve got a $2,700 bill at the Costco. Oh, yeah. I went back to the car. I was doing your weird people-watching thing you do. Judging people and Oh, look how they’re dressed. I don’t know where you get that from. You do. You do. You do. I’m a good watcher. I’m a good watcher. People throwing carts everywhere. I go, so help me if these guys hit my car with this freaking cart. Oh, yeah. You’re one of those hit my car people. There’s no cart thing. I got this big fucking bloated car and parked across three lanes. What?
People just randomly throw carts anywhere around here. Why don’t they have a cart corral, though? For $60 a year, they can’t have a cart corral? You need to pay $120 for that. Yes, I hated it. I went to Ikea 30 years ago. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. Ikea is even wackier, yes. I go, I am not the right person for this store. I’m just like, it’s too upsetting to me. You didn’t even get the hot dog? No. I wasn’t hungry. I’m hungry. I’m surprised that you didn’t get the hot dog. I’d had some good Casey’s food before I got there, so I wasn’t going to eat. I’m not going to put some cheese in my mouth. I had some good Casey’s food. That’s right. I had three taquitos that I snuck off the rollers. Sir, what is it?
You have some flaky golden crumbs on your lips. No, I don’t. It’s just my skin. I don’t know. Do we have to have indoor parking for a grocery store? It seems a little extreme. Yeah, well, then they don’t have to go out in the rain. That’s great for them. I guess. I don’t know. Maybe they got tax write-offs of some kind or something. I just thought it was a little bit, you know, How was your sciatica, old man? It went away eventually, yeah. It was all right. Well, coincidentally, it was gone. Yes, I was tired when I got home. My massaging chairs in my car took care of it. I don’t know. I was kind of oversold the whole project, you know. I don’t know. I was like, oh, you’re going to love it. There’s nothing wrong with this place. It’s perfect. I’m like, oh, okay, all right.
You aren’t bowing at the altar of consumerism on this one, I guess. No, I don’t like to go to warehouse. You used to be Mr. and Mrs. Retail, remember? I used to call you guys Mr. and Mrs. Retail. Yeah, you were all the trendy guy. And then I’m like, all right, now I’m going to do your thing, man. Well, you were doing the grocery pickup thing before COVID. We started doing it. Yeah, no, I did it way back. And I thought, how bourgeois, how bougie as soon as it was available, I did it, yes. I go, Bob and his wife are so stuck up. They’re so stuck up it’s snotty that they have their food delivered to them, and then the like we jumped in on it, like, this is the best. Like, I mean, occasionally they they fuck it up, but, you know i mean whatever
But I don’t have people slam my stuff into the car like you, I guess. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. This lady was really not wanting to work. Well, I wish you would have got the $1.50 hot dog and drink combo. You know what? I’m going to take a Xanax. I’m going to go take a Xanax next time I go. And then I’m going to go with a smile on my face. I’m going to pre-treat yourself. Pre-treat yourself. Take some drugs. I’m going to pre-gain. I got to pregame, yeah, masturbate, yeah, all that, yeah, before I get in there. And then, you know, clean up and then go. I don’t know. It was too busy for me. It’s just too much. It’s too much. I can’t handle it. It’s too much. Everybody’s walking so fast. Who are these people? I don’t know. What are you going to do when you’re in the nursing home, for Christ’s sake? I want to go to the Piggly Wiggy. Why can’t we go to Piggly Wiggy? Yeah, why can’t we?
Growing up, you laugh, but growing up, there was a grocery store that we would go to that literally had six aisles. Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. And they weren’t long aisles either. I mean, it was only like maybe three cart lengths for each aisle, and that was it. Oh, wow. That is small. It was very small. Yeah. My dad worked there. He was a part-time butcher there when I was a kid. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, he was the nighttime butcher for a while. Butchers make a lot of money. They make a lot of money. I don’t know that, really. I don’t know. I knew a guy that made a lot of money. Well, he was a part-time butcher in the evenings, and that’s where we went to get groceries because that’s where he worked. And he delivered during the day, so God bless you, sir. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you get that hot dog next time, and you’ll be much happier. I’m going to go there hungry. That’s why it’s so cheap. It’s full of psychedelics. I will not drive in. My wife will do the driving. I will have the hot dog. Yes, I was having a nervous breakdown. You’re right. I was. I was. There. You are correct, young lady. You are correct in your assumptions. Thank gosh. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Aren’t you going to say something, Miles? Merry Christmas, everybody. That’s it.
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By Bob LeMent
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Bob almost loses his popcorn, while Miles has a nervous breakdown instead of a hot dog.
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And that’s what she said. Oh, my God. There we go. Oh, this is King Moonstar. Welcome to Static Radio. King Moonstar, how are you tonight? I’m great. I’m flying around the island. Which island would that be? Well, you know what island that would be. That would be the island of Misfit Tours. Of course, I should have known. With a Charlie in the box. That’s right. Charlie in a box. Nobody wants an elephant who can’t trumpet or something like that. Something like that, yes. I come from the imagination of Rankin and Bass. And my storyline was cut out. Yeah, I think so. Budgetary. Time constraints, Bob. Time constraints. This holiday special has been trimmed for time and I think he got caught you know, like playing with the dolls. No toy is truly loved unless a child loves it or something. I thought you were going to say Epstein Island for a minute. Yeah. That’d been funny. Okay, edit that in. I’m Captain… I’m King Moonstar from Epstein’s Island. Oh, well. Go figure. I don’t know. So, yeah, it’s holiday…
Yeah. Special time of year. It’s going to be Christmas pretty soon. Christmas 2025. 2025, exactly. Mm-hmm. So what did you wish for, little boy? I wish that you would be a huge dickhead tonight. Oh, well, your wish can be granted. All right. Hold on. Let me play a little music here. Oh, fuck. Your wish is granted. Exactly. Aren’t you glad? I know you’ve been waiting for this. Yeah, I know. Everyone is an asshole at the holiday season. I’m talking to one right now. Yeah. So I was out. I had to go out. I don’t think I want to do this very much anymore. I think I’m just going to stay in. Yeah. I don’t want to go out. I just want to stay in. All right, David Bowie. Yeah. Okay. Things don’t really change. Oh, I try.
I went out to pick up. I didn’t even go into the store. I just was there to pick up. Young boys. No, groceries and stuff. I didn’t even have to go inside. So I get to the pickup and it’s just assholes and elbows, right? It’s all wall-to-wall people. Didn’t you have an elf help you last time you did a story like this? Like there was some little… Yeah, the person was dressed as an elf, yes. A homunculus or something? A homunculus. So there’s only one spot to pick up in this particular place. And I have a smaller car, you know, no big deal. I can pull in there. So I pull in next to two trucks, a truck on either side. Mm-hmm. And normally, I’m very bad at parking. I wouldn’t say it. Let me put it a different way. I don’t care how I park most of the time. Okay. All right. I live in the Midwest. We have plenty of parking. Mm-hmm. There’s always parking available. You just have to walk a little bit. Don’t care. Mm-hmm.
But I pulled into this parking spot and I tried to pull right in the center because these two big trucks were on either side. Sure. So I got in there and then I usually pop the back of the hatchback and that way they can just put stuff in. And I asked them to shut it and I’m on my merry way. Sure. So I’m getting out of the… but I can only open my door just barely. And I’m not, you know, I’m not a yogi or anything. I don’t do any yoga or anything. So me, I’m also big. And so getting out of a car with very little room is not very conducive to my body type. Robert Conrad. Google that. If you don’t know who that is, Google it. And so I open my door as far as I can.
Louis Armstrong. Louis Armstrong. Okay. I see babies. I see babies. The wrong one. The wrong one. Okay. And so I opened my door as far as I can and I touch the mirror of this giant truck with these giant mirrors. And so, but I squeezed out. I mean, I didn’t bang into it. I gently put my doors wide as I could and then I had to slide my fat self out. I open and I start coming back and the window’s rolling down on the truck. Yeah. It’s this lady and her daughter and she’s like, you hit my truck. I go, I don’t think I hit it. I go, yeah, we’re kind of close here. I go, plus you’re over the line, which she was. I just got in the car and I ignored her.
because she was, she had this giant truck with these giant mirrors. It’s, it was like, she’s going to the store for fuck’s sake. And she’s driving this work truck kind of thing. This giant, like, you know three-quarter ton truck with these mirrors that stick out like a foot and a half. Got a dually and yeah exactly and I’m just like, Hey, I needed to pop the thing. I’m sorry about that. And then I slid in and shut the door and I was done. she didn’t like it too much, but apparently she got over it. I don’t know. She didn’t say anything else to me. Yeah. Uh, and I didn’t really do anything. I did. I did touch her car. I touched the mirror, but to be honest, my little car could not do anything to hurt her little car. Right. Like a Sherman. Yeah. I could have kicked that mirror and it wouldn’t even have budged, you know? Right. Right. And if I could get my leg that high and then, um,
So then I sit there, you know, and she gets her stuff before me, and then she leaves. And then the person comes out, and they’re pushing two carts. And it’s raining, by the way. Oh, no. And so she’s pushing two carts, and, like, the cart that’s trailing is, like, full of my stuff. I can tell because I know what was ordered, right? Mm-hmm. I’m like I thought that’s mine. I’m like, where are they going? And so then they took it all the way down on the other side and dropped off the first cart and then they came around to bring mine. And at this point, this person is angry. It’s raining. You know, they have to work. It’s very busy. And so then they’re
They come to me and then they’re just chucking shit in the back of the car. Like, yeah, you know, it’s like everything’s the whole car’s rocking, you know? Oh, geez. And I’m like, and you know, I’m sitting there, you know, waiting for my thing. I’ll say, thank you. Gone. Left the thing open. You know, no thank you. No, you know, I’m done. Wait, you let the hatch open? Yeah, yeah. Everything just took off. Oh, wow. I was reading an email or something. I look up. She’s gone. Yeah. And then I look in the parking lot across the way, and there’s a bag of my popcorn laying in the parking lot getting rained on. And I go, and then she’s gone. I had to get out. I had to go get my popcorn like, you know, an idiot in the middle of the parking lot before it got run over. And he’s pigeon toed. So it looked really funny. Yeah. So I’m already like, I messed myself up getting out with the door so close. Yeah. And then I throw my popcorn on top of my wet pile of groceries and
And I shut my hatchback and I’m out of there. I’m like, these fucking people. Yeah. I’m never fucking going to the grocery store. Never again. Everyone is such an ass at the holidays. I’m just like, oh my gosh. Yeah. Just strewing my shit all through the parking lot. I’ve never seen that. I’ve gotten plenty of those pickups, but I’ve never seen that kind of attitude. Total attitude. My chips are all getting crushed. It’s a whole thing. I thought you were losing weight. I still eat chips. And popcorn? Jeez. You should put that soda in first. On top of everything. Yeah. Put the heavy stuff in first. No. So that was my experience. I’ve got people hassling me. They’re over the line. They’re blaming me. Mr. Tough guy. Merry fucking Christmas to everybody. Just threw my shit all over. I paid for it. It’s already paid for. Who gives a shit if your popcorn gets run over? It’s already paid for. It’s probably those ladies in the truck. They’re like, I will give you 20 bucks. No, they never interacted with my person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I was just like, oh my gosh, these people. It’s raining. I know they don’t want to do this. I mean, they don’t want to do it, right? I don’t want to do it. That’s why I was there. I was there to pick up. I don’t want to get out in the rain. You’re not getting nine bucks an hour for nothing. Now you get out there and you… I don’t know what the… No, they get more than that now. I’m joking. It was a joke. Oh, okay. Sorry. I’m sure they get more than nine bucks an hour when I get out here. They don’t make the same as you. No, I get 10. So I can brag. I got a raise. Yeah. So I was just like, I’m like, never again. I’m never going to get groceries in my whole life. I’m just going to, I’m going to become a farmer. Make your wife go. Yeah. Well, I go, yeah, I go because she, I, I have gone to get the groceries as long as I can remember.
That’s almost a true statement as well. Wow. No, I believe you. Yeah. Wow. Really? I’ve never gone that bad before. That’s weird. Oh, I know. Normally I get the guy, I get the people are nice and they chat with me and they’re, you know, I know when it’s raining, it’s horrible to drag out all that stuff, but I’m like, you know, it was, it was super busy. Yeah. Normally I don’t go during super busy times. I usually try to avoid that, but not anymore. No. Yeah. It didn’t work. Yeah. Yeah. Not nice. Didn’t want to be there. Hated their job. I don’t know. Whatever. Probably sucks. Can you go outside? You go inside? You go outside. I would have done it. I mean, I work shitty jobs. Yeah. Yeah, you do. I would have took that job over the shitty job that I had. You work 12 different jobs. I know. That’s what I’m saying. Everybody has them.
You work three jobs a day, man. At one point, I did have three jobs in a day. You’re right. But I’m just saying that’s the motivator to get you to get a better job. Yeah. Well, God bless. I mean, God bless the people who have to do that, man. I was like, fuck, I wouldn’t want to do it. So anyway, yeah. So Merry Christmas. Yeah. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. Yeah. And so this is Christmas. Yeah, I was thinking that song too, actually. What have you done? Left my popcorn in the parking lot. And didn’t shut the hatchback. I think it was a Ford King Ranch. Is that what those things are called? I don’t know what those things are called. Anyhow, what’s going on with you?
Well, you know, sometimes me and you think alike because I’ve got a shopping story, too. Oh, come on. Do we live near each other? I know. You would think that, like, we’re just best buds and we live in the same, you know, neighborhood or something. Exactly. Come on over. We’ll grill. Yeah, come on. I don’t know if you want me coming over for a grill outing. I don’t want you to come over with any regularity, no. I’d like to come over with, like, a buttoned-up shirt, but it’s all, like, unbuttoned, you know. Yeah. What’s up? You’re going to make me cry. What’s up? Did we mention big box stores by name on this show? I don’t know if we kind of. Yeah, I always say I was at Sam’s getting my. Okay. I’m going to say. All right. So a couple of weeks ago, my wife and son decide that we need to go start going to a place called Costco. Oh, the Costco. Yeah. The Costco. Yeah. Get a hot dog.
Well, I’m getting to that. Don’t speed me along. That’s one of their big things is to have a drinking hot dog. So this is not really like by my house. This is somewhat of a trek to go to this thing. You live even more podunk than I do. Yeah, I’m on BFE basically. And so I’m like, listen, everyone, I will drive. I’m Mr. Cool. I’m going to drive. Mr. Cool. Okay. I’ve taken, I’ve drank a half a bottle of Pepto, so I’m good to go. Yeah. Right. So I’m like, I will drive. I’ll be the man. I will drive. Okay. And, um, so we get close to the destination and I, I knew roughly where it was, but I didn’t, you know, I was like, okay. You have GPS on your phone. I don’t use it as much. Yeah. I don’t know.
No, it’s an area. It’s a big shopping area, but I thought I saw a sign for it on the other side of the highway. My wife assures me that I’m wrong. I’m like, I’m not wrong. She goes, no, you’re wrong. We have this big fight. I was like, okay. Yes, it was wrong. I was wrong. Obviously, he was wrong. I was wrong. She goes, turn in here. Okay. Turn here. Follow these cars. I didn’t even know where it was at. I’m like, oh, it’s like there’s no signs for it or nothing. I was like, oh, okay. It’s a huge fucking store. No, you’ve got to go through this feeder road down a couple miles or something to get to this thing. So I’m like, well, all right, so what’s going on? And they’re like, well, you want to go inside the building. I’m like, what? They’re like, yeah, you park inside the building. Really? They have you pick up inside? I’m like, what? That’s nice.
what’s this phenomenon? It’s like a warehouse and like half of it is just fucking parking. Yeah. I’m like, Oh, like this is where my 60 bucks a year is going. Okay. All right. So I’m trying to figure out, you know, cause there’s like all these entrances and I’m like, okay, I’ll just, I’ll go in one. I’ll just pick one. And then, you know, you got to stop for stupid people. You know, come on, motherfucker. Come on, man. Yeah. I just, I don’t know. I’m like, I just totally, feel like I’m being scammed from the word go. I’m like, oh, this sucks. I’m trying to park at the state fair or something. There’s people leaving. There’s people going. I’m like, God damn. Hey, fat boy, I can get you right up front for $5. If you want to door ding that Chevy, come here. That’s right. I don’t know why. I get a little nervous in situations like this. I don’t know why. I do. I understand.
I get a little bit of anxiety. And so I finally, I park and like, I’m just like, thank the fuck Christ. My man. And they, you know, these two idiots are so much fun. You’re going to love it. Like I already hate it. I don’t want to go in. I hate, I already hate this. I hate it. I’m going to get a big screen TV. Yeah. This is all a scam. I know this is a scam. I know it. And, uh, anyway, so we get in and, uh, they have to check your ID or something, or you have to prove. Yeah. You gotta have, you gotta prove that you’re supposed to be there. And of course the wife who heads up, the project does not have the identification ready to go. So she’s got to dig in her purse for 20 minutes. I’m like, okay. I can’t pull it. I was driving. Yeah. So, yeah. So everyone else is like, you know, trying to get past us. Like, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
And, uh, there’s a nice, uh, Asian lady, Asian lady running it. And, uh, for some reason i had on this stupid, uh, I have like this, uh, like this bears, like pullover you know, kind of thing and sweatshirt. It’s all you own, I think. Basically. Yes. And it’s got the name you basically walk around with a bear’s onesie and that’s your pretty much yeah and i don’t ever change it either and but it’s got the name of like some of the bears on it. Right. So, and, uh, She’s like, oh, she goes, what name? Well, look at those names. What are those names? And I’m bullshitting with her. She’s like, oh. I go, no, these are the apostles. These are Jesus’ apostles. She’s like, William Perry. I’m like, yeah. Yeah, it’s the refrigerator. He also knows the refrigerator. Yeah, she’s putting it all together. Like, oh, I didn’t know that. He’s one of the three wise men. Did you know that? Yeah.
I felt bad I had to tell her. There was radar range, refrigerator, and dishwasher. They all showed up for Jesus. Yeah. So now the selling point is like, well, you’ve got to come over to the food thing, Dad, because they’ve got cheap food here. I’m like, okay. Oh, they got cheap food at the Costco. Oh, the $1.50 hot dog, footlong hot dog. I wasn’t even hungry. I’m like, I don’t really want anything. You’re like, What do you, this face looks like it needs a big foot long in it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I don’t know. All these sketchy people, you know, sitting around, you know, gapping it up. Like, I don’t know. It’s like a big Petri dish in there. I’m like, I don’t know, man. There’s like a lot of people in here. I’m like, I don’t know. I’m sure. Well, it’s a buck 50 hot dog and a drink. I know. I’m just like, I don’t know. I have a thing about being around a lot of people. And it’s unlimited refills. So.
And it’s right by the exit. So like everyone with a cart is like, you know, slowly going past you, looking at you, touching you, you know, like, okay. And, uh, touching, squeezing each other. All right. So that gets done. So I was like, okay, now we’re going shopping for real. Now, here we go. I’m like, okay. And it’s just a, I don’t know. It seems so disorganized. I’m like, okay, this is a stop. This, Literally thrown all over. And I know you’ve been to these places too, but. Oh yeah. Now I take about three steps and all of a sudden, like my son and my wife are like, if people try to stop you to talk to you, do not talk to them. Do not engage. They have to prep you. Cause you’re like a special needs. Yeah. I’m like, I know. I’m like, what, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Don’t talk. I can’t, I can’t do that. Yeah.
I’m a people person. They’re like, no, do not, do not engage. They’re going to try to sell you a cell phone plan or something, or, you know, yeah. Yeah. Which I’m like, no, come on for 60 bucks a year. Certainly they wouldn’t have people harassing, you know, it, Nope, sure enough. I’m like, okay, okay, all right, all right. You’re like, is there any young ladies selling cosmetics? Because those are the ones I really like. I am a sucker. I am a sucker for young women selling cosmetics. You know that. Which my wife reminded me about. Oh, yeah, you’ll talk to some girl, won’t you? Uh-huh. She was kidding. All these women love to see people who look like they’re made of molten flesh. Basically, oh, Jabba, come here, you know.
And so I really had nothing to get there, you know, personally. I’m like, okay. So these two are, like, getting stuff. And God is looking out for me. You know, sometimes I want to doubt God, but then again, I’m on board with it, too. You know, I’m like, okay. Suddenly, like, my sciatic nerve kicks in. I’m like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. My leg, my hip, my hip. Uh, like every step, your pain. I’m like, okay. Right. And I’m at the back of the store. Yeah. Like we’ve been, yeah. And it’s like, are you okay? I’m like, no, no, it’s all right. Just keep going. Keep going. And I’m like, I gotta take a whiz and then I’m going to go back to the car, man. I’m like, fuck this. Oh man. Yeah. And I’m just like, I’m out of here. I just like ditched my family. Like, see ya.
I got the keys, man. I got sciatica. I got sciatica. I know. By some miracle, this thing acted up at the right time. I’m like, I’m out. Meanwhile, three carts full later, you’ve got a $2,700 bill at the Costco. Oh, yeah. I went back to the car. I was doing your weird people-watching thing you do. Judging people and Oh, look how they’re dressed. I don’t know where you get that from. You do. You do. You do. I’m a good watcher. I’m a good watcher. People throwing carts everywhere. I go, so help me if these guys hit my car with this freaking cart. Oh, yeah. You’re one of those hit my car people. There’s no cart thing. I got this big fucking bloated car and parked across three lanes. What?
People just randomly throw carts anywhere around here. Why don’t they have a cart corral, though? For $60 a year, they can’t have a cart corral? You need to pay $120 for that. Yes, I hated it. I went to Ikea 30 years ago. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. Ikea is even wackier, yes. I go, I am not the right person for this store. I’m just like, it’s too upsetting to me. You didn’t even get the hot dog? No. I wasn’t hungry. I’m hungry. I’m surprised that you didn’t get the hot dog. I’d had some good Casey’s food before I got there, so I wasn’t going to eat. I’m not going to put some cheese in my mouth. I had some good Casey’s food. That’s right. I had three taquitos that I snuck off the rollers. Sir, what is it?
You have some flaky golden crumbs on your lips. No, I don’t. It’s just my skin. I don’t know. Do we have to have indoor parking for a grocery store? It seems a little extreme. Yeah, well, then they don’t have to go out in the rain. That’s great for them. I guess. I don’t know. Maybe they got tax write-offs of some kind or something. I just thought it was a little bit, you know, How was your sciatica, old man? It went away eventually, yeah. It was all right. Well, coincidentally, it was gone. Yes, I was tired when I got home. My massaging chairs in my car took care of it. I don’t know. I was kind of oversold the whole project, you know. I don’t know. I was like, oh, you’re going to love it. There’s nothing wrong with this place. It’s perfect. I’m like, oh, okay, all right.
You aren’t bowing at the altar of consumerism on this one, I guess. No, I don’t like to go to warehouse. You used to be Mr. and Mrs. Retail, remember? I used to call you guys Mr. and Mrs. Retail. Yeah, you were all the trendy guy. And then I’m like, all right, now I’m going to do your thing, man. Well, you were doing the grocery pickup thing before COVID. We started doing it. Yeah, no, I did it way back. And I thought, how bourgeois, how bougie as soon as it was available, I did it, yes. I go, Bob and his wife are so stuck up. They’re so stuck up it’s snotty that they have their food delivered to them, and then the like we jumped in on it, like, this is the best. Like, I mean, occasionally they they fuck it up, but, you know i mean whatever
But I don’t have people slam my stuff into the car like you, I guess. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. This lady was really not wanting to work. Well, I wish you would have got the $1.50 hot dog and drink combo. You know what? I’m going to take a Xanax. I’m going to go take a Xanax next time I go. And then I’m going to go with a smile on my face. I’m going to pre-treat yourself. Pre-treat yourself. Take some drugs. I’m going to pre-gain. I got to pregame, yeah, masturbate, yeah, all that, yeah, before I get in there. And then, you know, clean up and then go. I don’t know. It was too busy for me. It’s just too much. It’s too much. I can’t handle it. It’s too much. Everybody’s walking so fast. Who are these people? I don’t know. What are you going to do when you’re in the nursing home, for Christ’s sake? I want to go to the Piggly Wiggy. Why can’t we go to Piggly Wiggy? Yeah, why can’t we?
Growing up, you laugh, but growing up, there was a grocery store that we would go to that literally had six aisles. Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. And they weren’t long aisles either. I mean, it was only like maybe three cart lengths for each aisle, and that was it. Oh, wow. That is small. It was very small. Yeah. My dad worked there. He was a part-time butcher there when I was a kid. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, he was the nighttime butcher for a while. Butchers make a lot of money. They make a lot of money. I don’t know that, really. I don’t know. I knew a guy that made a lot of money. Well, he was a part-time butcher in the evenings, and that’s where we went to get groceries because that’s where he worked. And he delivered during the day, so God bless you, sir. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you get that hot dog next time, and you’ll be much happier. I’m going to go there hungry. That’s why it’s so cheap. It’s full of psychedelics. I will not drive in. My wife will do the driving. I will have the hot dog. Yes, I was having a nervous breakdown. You’re right. I was. I was. There. You are correct, young lady. You are correct in your assumptions. Thank gosh. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Aren’t you going to say something, Miles? Merry Christmas, everybody. That’s it.
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