Parents push back against kid cell phones, research proves paper books still beat screens, a mom reels as the alphabet song gets a bizarre makeover, and one man willingly gets steamrolled by goats inside a Zorb ball. From saving kids’ brains to sacrificing adult dignity, this week’s stories show how modern life keeps turning simple things into full-contact chaos.

Class Dismissed takes a hilarious (and slightly terrifying) tour through modern education—spotlighting Gen Z grads who can’t spell, professors reading college students aloud, and a $250K philosophy degree that pays exactly zero dollars. Along the way, the panel tackles AI anxiety, vanishing jobs, and tops it all off with a bungee workout that proves the future of fitness might involve flying, flailing, and signing a lot of waivers.

On today’s episode … Google thinks turning 13 means your kid has “graduated” from parental controls—so they email the kid how to remove them, and then we explore why letting tech do the thinking is funny… until it really isn’t.

A pregnant South Carolina elementary teacher is arrested after being accused of grooming a 14-year-old boy for at least two years.

Chicago Public Schools are laying off more than 1400 workers, including 400 teachers, as the city faces a $734 million budget shortfall.

This summer a college in Massachusetts is offering high schoolers the opportunity to learn about black feminism, reproductive justice, and queer love stories for the low price of $5,000.

A stunning new police report shows a group of 10-year-old girls planned to stab a boy to death and make it look like a suicide.

Chicago Teachers Union President breaks the internet after a video surfaces of her proudly saying children belong to the teachers and school system.

A major Supreme Court decision on the mutilation of kids strikes a massive blow against the rainbow mafia and the doctors who perform these heinous surgeries.

The leaders of the two largest teachers’ unions in the country are now stumping against ICE and defending illegal immigrants. I wonder why.