What does it take to stay together when leaving would be easier, safer, and far less painful?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Feroz Bin Haron (Certified Peer Support Specialist & Recovery Coach) and Salmah Binte Johari (WISDOM Head & Lead Volunteer) open up to Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, about addiction, incarceration, betrayal, forgiveness, and the quiet cost of loving someone through their darkest seasons.

Married for over 30 years, Feroz and Salmah’s relationship has weathered cycles of drug addiction, repeated imprisonment, financial instability, and a betrayal that nearly ended everything. Much of this pain was never spoken about openly; not to family, not to friends, sometimes not even to each other.

Feroz reflects on spending most of his children’s formative years behind bars, the shame of wasted time, and the slow, painful realisation that change only begins when denial ends. He speaks honestly about ego, manipulation, relapse, and the moment he finally decided to “walk the talk”.

Salmah shares the invisible side of the story. The loneliness of raising children alone, juggling work and caregiving, absorbing judgment from family, and carrying heartbreak in silence. She speaks candidly about choosing her husband when others told her to walk away, the emotional toll of repeated forgiveness, and the line of divorce that was almost impossible to cross.

This is not a story of instant redemption or perfect healing.

We unpack the layers one at a time.

Together, Feroz, Salmah, and Brenda explore the realities that rarely get voiced:

✨ The unseen labour of partners who stay

✨ Why addiction affects the entire family not just the individual

✨ The difference between forgiveness and forgetting

✨ Why voicing out pain can be the beginning of reconciliation

This episode reminds us that some of the most painful stories are hidden inside long marriages, quiet homes, and people who appear “strong enough to cope.”

If you’ve ever stayed silent to protect someone you love

If you’ve ever carried pain because you thought no one would understand

If you’ve ever wondered whether people can truly change

This conversation will resonate with you.

🧼 Healing doesn’t happen all at once it happens layer by layer.

🚽 Voicing out is not weakness; it’s courage.

💛 And sometimes, the story we don’t tell is the one that holds the most truth.

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What drives years of self-harm and abuse from a young age?

How does it go undetected until it is almost too late?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, we step into the world of 19-year-old physiotherapy assistant, Maya Atiqah, who recounts with Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, her journey of navigating self-harm and abuse as a coping mechanism to what she could not express growing up.

Family instability, emotional neglect, and the absence of a safe space to speak meant that much of what she was feeling stayed locked inside.

With distress is often being misread in young people, well-meaning comments like “you have a good life” can unintentionally shut conversations down, and result in the escalation of coping mechanisms. A lack of awareness and the inabilty to recognize what she was doing to herself meant things spiralled out of control and threatened her well-being in more ways than one.

Together, Maya and Brenda explore the parts of mental health that rarely get talked about openly:

✨ Why silence can protect or hurt us

✨ How being misunderstood can deepen loneliness

✨ What it means to be given choice and agency when opening up

✨ Why asking the right questions matters more than offering quick advice

✨ How healing often begins when someone finally listens without judgment

Maya’s story reminds us that not all pain looks dramatic, and not all cries for help sound loud.

If you’ve ever struggled to explain what you’re feeling, felt dismissed because your pain didn’t look “serious enough”, or wished that someone would ask and truly listen...

This episode will resonate more than you expect.

🧼 Silence doesn’t mean there’s nothing there.

🚽 Being asked with care can change everything.

💛 And sometimes, the story we don’t tell is the one we never learned how to say.

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What happens when the story you’re living was never meant to fit the path laid out for you?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Coen Teo, co-founder of TransBefrienders, sits down with Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, for a powerful conversation about gender identity, survival, family, and what it really means to live truthfully in a society that prefers neat categories.

From as early as three or four years old, Coen knew something didn’t align. Born female, he instinctively saw himself as a boy and this truth surfaced in small, everyday moments: how he played, how he wanted to be addressed, how deeply uncomfortable he felt in a body the world insisted was his. But in a traditional family with no language for gender dysphoria, those feelings had nowhere to go.

By the age of twelve, Coen was already carrying a level of loneliness and despair, quietly planning his own death in a world that couldn’t recognise who he was.

What saved him was finding a new language to express and understand himself, community, and eventually, the courage to keep living.

In this deeply human conversation, Coen shares his journey through transition, family estrangement, workplace discrimination, and the exhausting reality of living a double life just to stay safe. He speaks candidly about microaggressions and the difficult decision many trans people face: to leave jobs, homes, and relationships simply to exist as themselves.

Together, Coen and Brenda explore the stories that are rarely told about being transgender in Singapore:

✨ How gender dysphoria shows up long before words exist

✨ Why “don’t ask, don’t tell” can quietly destroy relationships

✨ The hidden emotional toll of transitioning beyond hormones and surgery

✨ What safety really means when everyday spaces feel threatening

✨ How community, befriending, and shared lived experience can save lives

Today, Coen channels his lived experience into TransBefrienders; creating the very support system he once desperately needed, so that trans youths don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

If you’ve ever felt like you've had to hide parts of yourself just to survive, and wonder what it really takes to be seen and understood, this conversation will resonate for you.

🧼 Life is rarely a straight road and that doesn’t mean you’re lost.

🚽 Everyone deserves and need safety, dignity, and belonging.

💛 And the stories we don’t tell are often the ones that keep people alive.

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What happens when you grow up in a system that teaches you how to succeed but never how to fail?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, professional clown Shanice Stanislaus, joins Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, for a surprisingly profound conversation about mistakes, play, fear, and the parts of ourselves we learn to hide just to survive.

Raised in a conservative, achievement-driven environment, Shanice grew up believing that being good meant being correct, polished, and mistake-free. Creativity was a hobby. Failure wasn’t an option.

Everything changed when she stumbled into a clown class; what she expected to be humiliating became transformative.

Through play, failure, and being laughed at, Shanice discovered something she had never been taught: how to be bad without being broken. How to make mistakes without losing one's worth. How to find freedom by embracing uncertainty.

Today, Shanice works as a theatrical clown across schools, corporations, prisons, hospitals, and international stages not to “bring joy,” but to help people rediscover the resource of joy already within them. Her work sits at the intersection of art, inner work, and cultural resistance, especially in a society where efficiency, productivity, and perfection are often prized above emotional truth.

Together, Shanice and Brenda explore the quieter, rarely spoken parts of this journey:

✨ Why many of us were never taught how to fail safely

✨ How fear of mistakes hardens into fear of being seen

✨ The emotional cost of wearing masks to appear “functional”

✨ What play teaches us about resilience, creativity, and self-trust

✨ Why joy is something you rediscover & reclaim for yourself

This episode belongs deeply to Season 8: Stories We Don’t Tell, because Shanice’s story isn’t really about clowning; it’s about the unseen damage of perfectionism, and the courage it takes to unlearn it.

If you’ve ever been terrified of getting it wrong or felt trapped by expectations, and wondered who you might possibly be otherwise, this conversation will open doors and your mind.

This conversation might open a door you didn’t know was closed.

🧼 Mistakes don’t mean you’re failing, they mean you’re alive.

🚽 Play is not the opposite of seriousness, it’s how we heal from it.

💛 And sometimes, the story we don’t tell is how afraid we are to be imperfect.

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ABOUT

🚽 Welcome to the Clean Your Toilet Podcast - yes, that’s the actual name, and no, it’s not about porcelain (only). Let’s be real: we’ve all got things we avoid. This podcast is where we talk about the messes we pretend aren’t there — physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Because spoiler alert: just like a neglected toilet, what you ignore doesn’t vanish, it festers.

Each season brings one speaker & multiple hosts together. Each from different walks of life with different expertise, meeting for the first time; for real, unscripted conversations about life. Filmed in a single sitting, we concentrate the essence of candor and spontaneity of live conversation.

We explore the habits, patterns, and inner gunk that quietly shape your outer life. We’re here for the uncomfortable truths, oddly satisfying metaphors, and yes, those sacred bathroom moments that somehow lead to spiritual insight and emotional release.

Interested to come on the podcast, finding out more about our work, or join the movement? Send us a DM! Stay up to date by following us on all our socials.

Contact

✉️: [email protected]

What does it mean to carry a diagnosis that changes how the world sees you?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Calvin Tan, HIV advocate, sits down with Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, for a raw and open conversation about stigma, identity, and what it takes to keep living openly in a world that judges ruthlessly.

Diagnosed with HIV at 19, Calvin grew up navigating rejection long before his diagnosis: from coming out as gay in a traditional household, to losing the sense of safety that family is meant to provide. When HIV entered his life, it didn’t just bring medical realities; it came with years of fear, misinformation, and labels that society is quick to apply.

Calvin speaks candidly about being pushed away by his mother, the silence that followed, and the loneliness of learning to carry something so heavily stigmatised at such a young age. He opens up about dating, disclosure, and the emotional toll of constantly having to decide whether honesty will lead to connection or rejection.

But this is a story about reframing.

About turning a label meant to shame into a filter for truth.

About choosing to live loudly, honestly, and on your own terms.

Together, Calvin and Brenda explore the parts of living with HIV that rarely get airtime:

✨ How stigma quietly shapes self-worth and relationships

✨ Why disclosure is not just about honesty, but about safety and power

✨ The emotional exhaustion of constantly educating others

✨ What it means to take responsibility for your health without living in shame

✨ How advocacy begins when silence becomes unbearable

Calvin’s story reminds us that some of the heaviest burdens people carry are the ones society refuses to talk about properly.

If you’ve ever felt reduced to a label

If you’ve ever been told that you are “too much” or “not enough”

If you’ve ever had to find your own way to keep going when the world seems to hold you back

This conversation will challenge what you think you know and invite you to listen more carefully.

🧼 You are not the worst thing that happened to you.

🚽 Labels lose power when they are spoken out loud.

💛 And the stories we don’t tell are often the ones that teach us how to live.

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What does it mean to rebuild your life when society only remembers your worst mistake?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Andrew Ong, co-founder of Break The Cycle, chats with Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach, about incarceration, reintegration, and what it truly means to be seen as human again.

Andrew’s story is not one of quick redemption or neat transformation. After dropping out of school, falling into gang life, and spending years in and out of prison, his journey became a long, often invisible process of reckoning with shame, responsibility, and the hard truth of his own choices. Turning his life around was about learning to “own the mess” instead of running from it.

Today, Andrew channels that lived experience into Break the Cycle, a community initiative that uses cycling not just as a sport, but as a safe space for ex-offenders to rebuild dignity, identity, and belonging. Through shared roads, shared effort, and the simple principle of “leaving no one behind,” he helps others re-enter society without hiding who they are.

Together, Andrew and Brenda explore the deeper layers of reintegration beyond jobs and stability; asking what it really takes for someone to heal when stigma, fear, and silence still follow them everywhere.

In this conversation, they unpack:

✨ Why reintegration fails when we treat people like cases instead of humans

✨ How shame, denial, and blame quietly keep people stuck

✨ What “owning your mess” actually looks like in real life

✨ Why community is what sustains long-term change

✨ How society can protect itself without dehumanising those trying to return

This is a story rarely told out loud about relapse, responsibility, dignity, and the courage it takes to stop hiding your past in order to build a future.

If you’ve ever believed that someone is more than the worst thing they’ve done,

If you’ve ever carried parts of your story in silence because you feared judgment,

If you’ve ever wondered what real second chances actually require,

This episode will stay with you.

🧼 Your past is not erased but it doesn’t have to define you.

🚽 Reintegration begins when we see the human, not just their history.

💛 And sometimes, breaking the cycle starts with telling the story we were never allowed to tell.

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What does it really take to build a life around doing good when the hardest parts usually hidden and unseen?

Randall Chong, founder of Books Beyond Borders, sits down with Brenda Ng, Chief Fun(d) Officer, The Facilitators Project & Forest School coach for an honest, deeply reflective conversation about social enterprise, identity, money, and the quiet truths behind purpose-driven work.

On the surface, Randall runs a beloved bookstore that sells pre-loved books and channels proceeds towards girls’ education in Nepal. But beneath the mission lies a story far less visible; one shaped by anxiety, self-doubt, financial insecurity, and the tension between wanting to do good and needing to survive.

Randall opens up about the journey that led him here: leaving his job, trekking solo to Everest Base Camp in search of meaning, witnessing children trekking long distances to school in Nepal, and returning to Singapore determined to do something that mattered even when he didn’t yet know how to sustain it.

This is not a story about charity as heroism. It’s a story about vulnerability, longevity, and the unspoken struggles of people working in the social impact space.

Together, Randall and Brenda explore the realities that are rarely discussed openly:

✨ How to balance meaningful work and financial stability

✨ The quiet shame many social enterprise founders feel about wanting a “comfortable life”

✨ The misconceptions around charity, grants, and what sustainability really looks like

✨ How fear of judgment keeps people silent about money, ambition, and burnout

✨ Why telling your personal story honestly can be more powerful than any mission statement

This episode sits right at the heart of Season 8: Stories We Don’t Tell because Randall’s journey reminds us that the most important stories aren’t always about success or impact, but about the inner battles we fight while trying to live with integrity.

If you’ve ever felt torn between purpose and practicality,

If you’ve ever struggled to reconcile ambition with values,

If you’ve ever wondered whether wanting stability makes you “less noble”,

This conversation will resonate more deeply than you expect.

🧼 Your story doesn’t have to be polished to be powerful.

🚽 Doing good doesn’t mean you stop being human.

💛 And the stories we hide are often the ones that connect us most.

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What happens when the world teaches you to shrink yourself long before you learn how to love yourself?

And who do you become when the body you’ve spent years fighting finally becomes the body you choose to honour?

In this episode of the Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Cheryl Tay, Chief Editor, Baseline Media and Founder, Rock The Naked Truth, sits down with Benjamin Byrne, content creator The Smiling Afro, for a conversation that moves through shame, courage, identity, and the unspoken shadows we carry in our relationships — especially the relationship we have with ourselves.

Cheryl’s journey began with years of dieting, over-exercising, and striving for a body that felt “acceptable” enough to earn love, visibility, and belonging. She shares candidly about the internal narratives that shaped her adolescence and early adulthood — the belief that worthiness was tied to perfection, discipline, and physical control. But it wasn’t just about size; it was about safety. About hiding the parts of herself she feared others might judge.

Her relational world cracked open when she fell in love with someone unexpected — a woman, her best friend. This love forced her to confront the biggest shadow of all: the fear of losing belonging for choosing truth. Coming out meant risking family acceptance, unsettling cultural expectations, and standing firm in a version of herself that didn’t fit the script she was raised with. It required courage, grief, and a deep re-examination of love as not something you “earn,” but something you allow.

Through therapy and self-exploration, Cheryl learned to dismantle the emotional habits of over-giving, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment. She now sees love — romantic and platonic — as a space where honesty is the highest form of intimacy.

If you’ve ever found yourself:

— Feeling unworthy because of your body or your past

— Afraid to be fully seen by the people who matter most

— Torn between belonging and authenticity

— Loving someone who challenges old definitions of identity

— Or trying to break the cycle of self-abandonment…

This episode is for you.

It’s a reminder that love doesn’t demand perfection —

it demands presence.

And the moment you stop performing is the moment you finally come home to yourself.

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What do you do when your deepest longing is also your deepest source of pain?

How do you stay connected to yourself and the people you love, and continue to persist when life throws you challenges that wear down and break your spirit? How do you continue forward in a dark endless tunnel where you struggle to see the light at the end?

In this episode of the Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Rafidah Jalil, edutainer (Kak Fifi and Mimi), volunteer & director, Fertility Support SG, sits down with Benjamin Byrne, content creator The Smiling Afro, to share a journey shaped by uncertainty, heartbreak, surrender, and the quiet resilience required to keep choosing hope.

Before becoming a mother, Rafidah was a high-achieving SVP in a bank. She worked hard, planned well, and excelled under pressure. But infertility disrupted every formula she knew. Multiple IVF cycles, miscarriage, and years of waiting pulled her into emotional territory no career success had ever prepared her for. She speaks with honesty about the shadows of this journey: the loneliness of silent grief, thoughts of suicide, the spiritual exhaustion of praying without guarantees, and the identity crisis that comes from feeling like you can’t “achieve” the life you imagined.

This conversation explores how infertility reshaped her marriage: revealing the limits of strength, the importance of communication, and the deep vulnerability required to let someone walk with you through pain they cannot fully understand. She shares how her lowest moments opened doors to unexpected connection: community, shared stories, and the healing that comes not from solutions, but from being seen by others who understand.

Today, as a mother of three, Rafidah carries her past not as a wound, but as wisdom. She holds the paradox of joy and grief, gain and loss and shows how relationships deepen when we flow with what life brings, instead of hardening ourselves.

If you’ve ever:

— Faced a season of waiting with no clear ending

— Questioned your worth when things fell apart

— Struggled to communicate pain you can barely name

— Carried grief quietly because you didn’t know where it belonged

— Or learned to surrender a life that didn’t go to plan…

This episode is a tender reminder that surrender is not weakness, it is the moment your heart makes space for something new.

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What happens when the life you built with precision, planning, and control suddenly demands that you surrender?

And what if the relationship you’ve been avoiding is the one with your own shadow?

In this episode of the Clean Your Toilet Podcast, Stephanie Dickson, Conscious Leadership Speaker & Exited Founder, sits down with Benjamin Byrne, content creator The Smiling Afro, for a conversation that is equal parts tender, disruptive, and deeply revealing. Stephanie has spent years advocating for sustainability, mindfulness and conscious living, yet the inner journey she shares here reminds us that transformation isn’t always gentle.

Stephanie grew up believing that control was safety. Anxiety, perfectionism, and high achievement shaped her identity from a young age. The more she mastered, the more secure she felt. But motherhood changed everything. It stripped away predictability, routine, and the illusions of certainty she had relied on. In its place came rawness, mess, and a mirror she could no longer look away from.

She speaks openly about confronting her triggers, navigating burnout, unlearning old emotional patterns, and releasing the internal systems that once protected her but now held her hostage. She reflects on the evolution from performance to presence, from control to trust, from self-pressure to self-compassion.

This conversation explores the shadow side of being “the strong one,” the undiscussed loneliness of burnout, the grief of letting go of old identities, and the unexpected joy that comes from making peace with uncertainty.

If you’ve ever found yourself:

— Trying to control everything so nothing can hurt you

— Burning out while pretending you’re okay

— Realising your coping mechanisms no longer fit who you’re becoming

— Struggling to embrace imperfection

— Learning to surrender in a season that demands softness…

This episode is your reminder that surrendering and letting go isn’t giving up, it’s about accepting and embracing your full self. The shadows you’re afraid to confront may be the exact places where joy, clarity, and connection take root.

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