Closing Crawl

Bo-Katan and Ahsoka lament the Mandalorian Civil war’s casualties. Mandalore needs a new type of leader, in the mold of Bo’s sister Satine. I’m sure everyone who lost loved ones in the conflict are glad that Bo learned a lesson.

Ahsoka has a SpaceTime(™) with the Jedi council. We’re in act 3 of Revenge of the Sith and Ahsoka joins the council meeting in time to say smell you later to Mace, Ki-Adi and Aayla Secura. Yoda fails to guilt trip Ahsoka about the whole ex-Jedi thing. Ahsoka and Rex reckon with the cost of war, and interestingly enough Erich Maria Remarque got a writing credit for this episode.

Ahsoka and a Republic Cruiser’s worth of clones prepare to extradite the imprisoned Maul to Coruscant. Ahsoka has force visions of Anakin merking Mace, just as Rex receives Order 66. Rex fights the control chip, while other members of the 250.5th immediately draw down. Ahsoka escapes to free Maul, and suggests he cause a distraction. Ahsoka then recruits some astromech droids; if they’re half as violent and chaotic as R2 she’s got a real shot at getting out of this.

Ahsoka uses tries to reason with Rex. When that fails she informs him the astromech droids came here to hack elevators and taze clones and they’re all out of elevators. She takes the unconscious Rex to the med bay for some Force assisted trepanning. Rex comes through the procedure in his right mind, but the frogurt is also cursed and the rest of the clones are actively trying to hunt down and kill all Jedi.

Rex and Ahsoka (henceforth Rexsoka)’s cruiser hurtles through hyperspace. They are trapped in the med bay as Order 66-ed clones cut through the doors. Rexsoka set their blasters and fists to stun, incapacitate the clones, and escape to the shuttle bay. 

Maul wreaks havoc on the ship’s systems, knocking the cruiser out of hyperspace. Ahsoka directs the droids to find an escape ship since the cruiser is falling into the moon’s gravity well. They locate a shuttle, but a sea of clones blocks their way. Rex, tears in his eyes, tells Ahsoka the clones will kill them. Ahsoka knows this, but she will not kill them in return.

Ahsoka hatches a plan to get to the escape ship: she pretends to be Rex’s prisoner. This gambit allows the droids to get into position and pull the proverbial rug out from underneath the clones. With escape in sight, Maul shows up and ganks their shuttle! The droids then heroically lay down their lives to save Rexsoka.

Rexsoka finds a Y-Wing. Ahsoka flings Rex onto the ship, then the cruiser tilts violently and begins to breaks up in atmosphere. The Y-Wing is thrown from the hangar, sans Ahsoka. She leaps off the cruiser and… sky walks? down the falling pieces of the rapidly disintegrating cruiser. She reaches Rex and they fly away.

The Y-Wing lands next to the wrecked cruiser, we see Rex with shovel in hand. They’ve come to bury the dead. Their friends. His brothers. Ahsoka reflects on the sea of clone helmets, some still painted with her markings. We freeze on Jesse’s helmet, Ahsoka looks down, and one of her lightsabers falls to the ground.

We flash forward and see STORMtroopers milling about. We hear all-to-familiar mechanical breath. Darth Vader approaches, retrieves Ahsoka’s lightsaber, lights it, then surveys the wreckage. Above glides a Convor (the owl-like bird that became a sort of spirit companion to Ahsoka after Mortis). We cut to the visor of an Ahsoka-painted helmet lying in the snow, where Vader’s reflection retreats as we reach THE END.

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An old-school “Lucasfilm Limited” logo, nice and green, introduces our show, followed by a red Clone Wars logo and title card:  Part 1 Old Friends Not Forgotten. For the first time in the series, we have no Jedi Fortune Cookie.

Grievous has launched an offensive across the outer rim. On Yerbana, Obi-Wan arrives in the knick of time to slice a missile in half before it kills Cody, and sticking a Marvel superhero landing. Anakin refuses to take cover because “there’s only 1000 droids, tops,” and pulls a full Obi-Wan false surrender to lure out the tactical droid; which he force pulls the length of a football field then slices its head off. Rex’s clones fly in on jetpacks and finish off the droids.

Admiral Yularen tells Anakin and Obi-Wan they have an incoming transmission using the code “Fulcrum.” It’s Ahsoka with a lead on Maul’s location! Ahsoka and Bo-Katan arrive on the ship. Anakin tries to buddy up - but he gets the cold shoulder. Bo-Katan proposes a joint operation to capture Maul.

Anakin surprises Ahsoka with a visit to Rex and the 501st. They salute her, even though she’s no longer a commander. Before Anakin can present her with a special gift alarms blare: Grievous is attacking Coruscant!

This means the boys can’t go to Mandalore with Ahsoka and Bo. Anakin promotes Rex to commander and splits the 501st, assigning half the company to aid in the capture of Maul. Anakin gives Ahsoka her lightsabers, which he took very good care of, and even made some improvements.

Ahsoka, Bo, Rex and the now halved 250 ½ clone squad arrive on Mandalore and meet with resistance. Bo goes after Almec, and Ahsoka goes after Maul. Ahsoka falls into Maul’s trap, which was meant for Kenobi and Anakin. We end once again in a fade out with no fanfare music.

We begin again without a Jedi Fortune Cookie, but the radio announcer...actually, no, the radio announcer is gone too, along with the opening theme. We are really at endgame here. Ahsoka is surrounded by Maul and his loyal Mandalorians, as he informs her he was hoping his plan would lure Obi-wan here. While he soliloquizes, Ahsoka signals Rex and the clones with her location: they free Ahsoka, but Maul escapes.

In the throne room, Ahsoka and Bo-Katan speak to Obi-wan via Spacetime(tm). He informs them that we're now past the opening of Revenge of the Sith, and that Anakin and he rescued the Chancellor and killed Dooku. Back in the tunnels, Ahsoka learns that Maul has captured ARC Trooper Jesse and is searching for her. Prime Minister Almec is killed by Gar Saxon, who is tying up lose ends under Maul's orders.

Maul decides that with Sidious's plans coming to fruition, the time for action has come - he fires up his Mandalorians with a speech about dying gloriously in battle, and then sneaks into the throne room to surprise the heroes. Maul and Ahsoka discuss their differences. Now that Maul knows Ahsoka's full history, and that she has left the Order, he offers her an alliance to defeat Sidious. She agrees to the plan, but only if Maul explains what's up with Anakin. Maul tells her the truth: he's the key to Sidious's plan, and has been groomed to be the new Sith apprentice. Unwilling to accept the truth of this, Ahsoka decides that she must fight Maul instead. And we get the best lightsaber battle of the series!

Maul disarms Ahsoka, and offers her one last chance to join him, but she sticks to her convictions. Then, with an assist from a number of clones, she captures Maul and secures him for transport back to Coruscant.

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Ahsoka and the Martez sisters failed at smuggling spice, and are imprisoned on Oba Diah. They argue, someone calls Ahsoka a Jedi, and Ahsoka responds with 'so what if I were?': the sisters react in horror. See: the Martezes’ parents were killed in a mishap during Ziro the Hutt's prison break, when the elder Martezes came up on the wrong side of Bariss Offee’s solution to the trolley problem. The Jedi did helpfully explain that the Force would guide the new orphans, before bouncing.

The Pykes attempt some kid-friendly torture on Trace, but she steals a gun and flees. Ahsoka secretly uses the force to open her cell, and the escape is on! A running gunfight ensues, with the Martez sisters shooting and Ahsoka slyly using Force powers to assist.

Ahsoka and Rafa take a moment to discuss whether Trace is cut out for a life of crime. Trace and Rafa are re-captured while Ahsoka flees. Three Mandalorians, with familiar voices depending on which shows that aired before this that you've seen observe, and suggest that Ahsoka might be a Jedi.

Ahsoka attempts to free Trace and Rafa, but they are caught and returned to the same cell they were in at the start of the episode.

Back in their cell, Ahsoka wants to hold a retrospective, but Rafa wants to assign blame. Someone isn’t abiding by Scrum values! (They’re never going to get their PMP certification this way.) Ahsoka comes up with a better plan than Rafa’s ‘play sick’ scheme.

Ahsoka starts lying to the Pyke leader, and Rafa is on the ball enough to run with the premise. Trace and Rafa are sent to get the spice by holding their non-existent family hostage. The Pyke high seneschal is also savvy enough to get that this is a scam, but doesn't have a choice because without the spice he’s going to be in big trouble with his boss.

Trace and Rafa leave in the Silver Angel, and are creeped on by Bo Katan’s Mandalorian peeping squad. At a space Cracker Barrel Rafa explains the scheme to Trace by speaking slowly and using big words. Also some visual aids. A couple puppets. Rafa can’t owe anyone anything so she’s going to steal spice and save Ahsoka

Ahsoka breaks out of prison, Rafa and Trace find a spice mining operation and Rafa has a hot hand with the fast talk skill. Ahsoka plants bombs all over the spice refining facility. Grand Pyke is getting his ass chewed out by a shadowy holo figure about the missing spice shipment. Hey, it’s Maul! Ahsoka is ambushed and outs herself as a Jedi.

Back with Trace and Rafa, Rafa finally throws a bad roll and the Trandoshan longshoreman manager calls her bluff. Aggressive negotiations ensue and Trace gets into a slap fight with nerdlingers; that 1D in strength isn’t going to get the job done. Rafa apparently specialized in Gymkata and uses her skill on the uneven bars to dump the Trandoshan into a chasm. The sisters escape with the spice and show up in time to save Ahsoka. Not!

The Grand Pyke dimes out Ahsoka; Rafa and Trace are stunned and hurt. Ahsoka and Trac and Rafa decide to pass the Bechdel Wallace test. Meanwhile Chekhov’s thermal detonators explode and move us right into Act 3.

A chase ensues and Trace decides to play the ballsiest game of chicken this side of Footloose. Our heroes escape and are followed by Bo Katan. Rafa says Ahsoka is what a Jedi should be. Bo shows up to ask for help in dealing with Maul, but Ahsoka is fearful it will lead her back to the Jedi. Ahsoka apparently was too busy murdering droids to learn the term bildungsroman.

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Ahsoka’s been riding around Coruscant on a speeder bike looking emo: I guess being a Skywalker is a state of mind. Her bike malfunctions and plummets into a bottomless pit, crashing onto a platform several hundred levels down. She meets the owner: Trace.

Trace offers her a place to fix her bike, as well as a job Ahsoka demonstrates technical aptitude. Trace is trying to be a capitalist, but really she just wants a friend and also Ahsoka doesn’t really get money. They start to connect and Trace drops some truth bombs that the Jedi are perceived as: starting wars, telling people what to do, and ignoring the problems of everyone who isn’t a Jedi or senator.

Some goons show up to collect on a debt from Rafa, Trace’s sister. Trace immediately starts throwing hands. It’s actually a pretty good dust up, until Ahsoka to get involved drops the hammer. They leave to find Trace’s sister Rafa who is stealing from dryers at the local laundromat. Ahsoka and Rafa instantly dislike each other. Apparently it’s Rafa’s legitimate laundromat, which makes her theft both more and less pathetic. Then a dude shows up with a sketchy job of assembling some droids.

Ahsoka and Trace are building some Vulture Mk III mechs. Ahsoka reminds Trace about restraining bolts which is handy because one of the droids immediately attacks her., and another pulls a runner. They chase down Mighty Joe Droid and Ahsoka continues to let Trace risk her life because she’s committed to remaining undercover. They capture the droid with minimal Jedi powers.

Ahsoka tries to convince Rafa these droids are too dangerous to sell. Rafa says she’ll do the right thing, which turns out to be charging double. Ahsoka realizes that the Jedi never prepared her for dealing with moral gray areas.

Later, Trace and Ahsoka are doing repairs and talking about where Ahsoka learned so much about starships. She tells Trace she learned it at Skywalker Academy. Trace tells Ahsoka she couldn't afford to go to an academy, but she scrimped and saved and built her own ship: The Silver Angel!

Ahsoka feels directionless and asks to stick around for a bit. Rafa’s got a job to make them a bunch of money, and begrudgingly allows Ahsoka to join the crew, but won’t tell them what the job is until they’re underway.

Trace pilots the ship into a military traffic lane. Admiral Yalarin, on the Star Destroyer in their path hails the Silver Angel. Ahsoka hangs up on him and instructs Trace to pilot them into the civilian lanes. Anakin, who is on the same bridge as Yalarin, senses Ahsoka with the force, but ultimately lets the ship pass just like he would do later for Luke.

The Silver Angel emerges from hyperspace above Kessell! They land and are invited to a banquet, where it’s revealed the Rafa's job is to haul Spice for the Pykes. They load the spice and head to Oba Diah to deliver. Onboard, all three fight about what to do. Ahsoka wants to deliver to anyone except the Pykes so it can be used for medicine. Rafa wants to deliver to their intended recipients. Trace, torn between doing what is right versus what her sister wants, dumps the spice into space, uh-oh. Rafa said they must now give up the ship to hopefully save their lives, Trace strongly disagrees, but Ahsoka has a plan!

Ahsoka Jedi mind-tricks the Pyke leader, and he gives them their credits and lets them go. However, a subordinate inspects the cargo, notices it is empty, and calls in reinforcements. With their ship stuck in a tractor beam and surrounded by enemies, things don’t look good for the trio.

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The Bad Batch have just freed Echo from the Techno Union, and are trying to escape. Echo leads them to an elevated walkway, but they’re cut off by droids. Tech summons local flying creatures, and our heroes must take a literal leap of faith off the platform onto their backs to escape… But the droids have wings too?!? Our heroes escape the droids, to the local’s village.

The locals and our heroes stage a defense, but the locals have no technology and seem to be being overrun by the droids. Two War of the Worlds style massive droids appear and are clearly turning the tide. Anakin takes out one while the clones tackle the other, and the rest of the droids flee. Our heroes are safe, but Echo seems reluctant to return to, as Rex explains it, things being “just like the old times”.

Is Echo trustworthy after his treatment at the hand of the Techno-union?

Echo, now clad in modified armor with a Bad Batch insignia on it that definitely does not foreshadow anything, offers his assistance in the battle for Anaxes. He has a plan: if the Bad Batch can sneak him on to Admiral Trench's ship, he can continue offering strategic plans to the Separatists, but this time, he'll be helping the Republic instead!

Echo spends the rest of the episode not telling anyone else the specifics of his plan, which doesn’t help convince everyone that nothing is wrong with him. Once aboard Trench's Dreadnaught, they hijack the ship's comm vault, and Echo plugs into the system, intercepting a request from Trench for battle plans. The request is happening now because the Republic forces, under Masters Windu and Kenobi, have launched an all-out assault on a Separatist-held assembly plant.

Phase 2 of Echo's plans that he did not tell anyone about in advance is 'Send all Separatist forces to reinforce the assembly plant that Mace and Obi-wan are attacking.’ Again, nothing suspicious here. Warned of more incoming troops, the generals prepare for an even larger battle! Echo makes good on his plan and manages to shutdown all the battle droids once they are in the same place. Admiral Trench has a backup plan, which he has not informed his subordinates of - a bomb hidden in the assembly plant that is big enough to destroy the whole planet!

Master Windu goes to disarm the bomb - which is ray-shielded, but fortunately, he has the ability to cause spooky action at a distance. Echo relays the disarmament code to him, but is detected and knocked out before he can relay the last digit. Anakin hunts down Admiral Trench and tells him to reveal the last digit. Trench refuses, noting that Dooku will kill him if he fails to take the planet, but a Jedi would let him live. Skywalker convinces Trench he plays by different rules than the rest of the Jedi, and relays the code to Windu, who disarms the bomb and saves the day, and also kills Trench when Trench tries to stun him.

As the bad batch attempts to escape from the ship, Wrecker and Crosshair engage in a "Legolas and Gimli" battle of one-upmanship, killing increasing numbers of droids in increasingly unlikely ways. They board the Marauder and Wrecker gets the last laugh when Anakin hands him the self-destruct button for the flagship. Wrecker gets his boom and the explosion destroys multiple Separatist vessels. When they land, Echo, Rex, and the Bad Batch are congratulated for their efforts. Clone Force 99 lets Echo know that he's now weird enough to be one of them, and he's offered a spot in the group. Rex tells Echo he has to go where he feels he belongs. Echo joins the Bad Batch in saluting Rex.

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Separatists led by Admiral Trench battle Republic forces led by Anakin and Mace Windu for the Republic shipyards on Anaxes. Rex has an idea of why things are going badly: analytics; the droids know Rex's strategies too well. They plan to take a small squad to the enemy Cyber Center, where intel is processed, to see if they can figure out what's happening. Before leaving, Rex and Cody chat about losing Fives, Echo, and Hevy during the war, which makes me feel bad for Droidbait and Cutup. Rex thinks Echo is alive, because their battle plans are old ones he and Echo drew up, and also because he has to remind us that Echo died several seasons ago.

Rex and Cody leave to meet up with their squad for the mission: Clone Force 99, AKA The Bad Batch! Hunter, the leader! Tech, the smart one! Crosshair, the sharpshooter! Wrecker, the big one! These guys seem cool enough to have their own show. They join up with Rex, Cody, and 501st clones Kix and Jesse to find what the Separatists are using to outwit the Republic. Their gunship is shot down, and with a large number of droids incoming, the Bad Batch goes to work showing off their cool skills, which involve Wrecker lifting things, Hunter stabbing things, and Tech saying numbers while Crosshair shoots.

The team infiltrates the Cyber Center, break into the computers and discover that the algorithm they've been looking for is a live signal from the planet Skako Minor. When they try to find out who is sending the signal, they get the answer 'CT-1409'. As the clones escape from the facility, Rex reveals that CT-1409 is Echo. 

Rex is trying to get support for Echo’s rescue mission and Anakin suggests highlighting the goal of finding out how the Separatists are predicting their strategy. Did Anakin sexually contract politics from Padme? Then Anakin changes subjects and says that he and Rex need to do that ‘thing’. Rex excuses himself and follows Anakin.

Rex watches the door while Anakin Space Times Padme who is positively glowing. Anakin and Padme have an actual conversation and look like they genuinely regret being apart. I think those two kids are going to make it. Anakin is worried about Rex being too attached to personal attachments, Padme suggests that Anakin has made the same mistakes once or twice and Anakin actually cops to it.

Obi-Wan rolls up on Rex and makes him sweat trying to find excuses for Anakin’s chatting with his wife. Obi-Wan lets him them the hook and says that he hopes Anakin told Padme he says hello. Anakin hasn’t grown too much because he looks pissed rather than embarrassed. Is Star Wars allowed to do ‘show don’t tell’, because that was a great scene. 

While on their way to Skako Minor Wrecker is working out with a G0NK droid. We told you Dave Filoni was a fan of this podcast. The clones land and are accosted by the aliens from Crystal Skull riding small dragons. Anakin is snatched and taken to their village. Anakin is rescued and it turns out the locals don’t want the war to come to their planet.

Meanwhile Admiral Trench calls Wat Tambor to tell him the clones are on their way. Wat thinks that the Techno Union has corporate neutrality, but Trench suggests that a black-ops squad might not have a JAG officer to advise them on rules of engagement here. The clones infiltrate the Techno Union base, Wrecker goes absolutely nuts on some droids, suggesting that some Gronkowski DNA might have been involved in his personal mutation. That party cruise is wild. The clones find a Vault-Tec stasis pod and it was Echo all along.

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The Closing Crawl Crew discusses the past of the podcast, the future of Star Wars, and visits with an old friend, long gone.

Recorded live at Gen Con in 2022.

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Yoda is on a spirit quest and arrives at a Force cloaca that is spewing the living Force into the galaxy (Oh shit! Is that Ego the Living Planet’s music?). Yoda passes the corpse of J.N. Reynolds and lands in what can only be called Grandfather Nurgle’s Summer estate. Yoda is approached by a Force Spirit, and follows it into the jungle. The force spirit is joined by her sisters Melpomene, Thalia and, I don’t know, Terpsichore and Clio? I might be overthinking some of this stuff. They start to teach Yoda.

Yoda’s first trial is to face off against his own personal gollum. Yoda decides that his best bet in a time of spiritual crisis is to fall back on the gospel of Austin, specifically chapter 3, verse 16. New Yoda break down that a dark side is part of all life, even Yoda Classics’. Then to emphasize the point New Yoda unleashes a 100 move combo. Yoda finally admits his hubris.

The force spirits naming themselves as: confusion, anger, sadness, joy and serenity. I’m batting .400. Yoda is thrust into a second vision, surrounded by dead Jedi and younglings. Yoda is tempted with relief from sorrow, confusion and anger and is incepted into a more pleasant vision where the Jedi are alive, Ahsoka is still a Jedi, there is no war, and even Dooku is still a Jedi Master. Yoda chooses hard truths over easy lies and passes the trial.

The Force Spirits give Yoda his final trial, sending him to Moraband which, for legal purposes, is definitely not Korriban. Go ahead Bioware, try to sue Disney.

Yoda arrives on Moraband, walks through the desert wasteland and is surrounded by some Deatheaters from Azkaban. As Yoda defeats them, Dooku awakens from meditation… Did he sense Yoda? We’ll soon find out as Sidious summons Dooku to Coruscant.

Yoda enters a temple and meets Darth Bane, and ancient Sith lord that created the “rule of two.” Yoda defeats him by pulling a reverse Tinkerbell and telling Bane he doesn’t believe in fairies.

Back on Coruscant Sidious and Dooku use Dooku’s connection to Yoda to see through time and space. Sidious telepathically reemerges on Moraband as Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas, someone Yoda would be happy to see still alive.

Sifo-Dyas offers to tell Yoda who the Sith lord is. Yoda refuses the all-to-good offer. He suddenly wakes up on a transport ship on Coruscant, with Anakin and some clones, that is headed towards a secret rendezvous between Dooku and Sidious… However, Yoda is confused how he got here, and what the mission is, even though it is “his mission” according to Anakin. (Is Yoda still in the bacta tank? Is this all a dream? Is he still on Moraband? Stay tuned to find out!)

Yoda tells Anakin he wants to capture the two, but kill them if it is necessary because this must end here. Anakin fights Dooku, gaining the advantage, taking Dooku’s saber, and beheading him over Yoda’s objections.

Yoda pursues Sidious. A lightsaber battle ensues. Anakin joins in, but is knocked unconscious. Yoda continues his fight with Sidious, but must save Anakin as the bridge they are on is collapsing. Both Yoda and Sidious fall from the bridge. They slap fight in freefall, a Yoda manages to pull back the hood and reveal that Sidious is… an empty hood.

Yoda wakes up on Moraband. He is greeted by one of the sisters who proceed to tell him there is another Skywalker. We hear familiar sounds from movie Episodes 3-6 to foreshadow what is to come.

Yoda and R2 fly back to Coruscant. There, he tells Obi-Wan and Mace Windu that he’s seen a path to victory… not for the Clone Wars, but for all time…

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Plo Koon is sent to find the source of a distress signal sent to the Jedi Temple. Plo & his Bros search during a sand storm and find a ship that crashed ages ago. Plo discovers a lightsaber in the wreckage. Plo Spacetimes(™) the temple and tells them the ship belonged to long-lost Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas. The council reminds the viewers that Sifo-Dyas was the one who ordered the production of the clone army without the blessing of the council or the senate. 

Sifo-Dyas was sent to Falucia to negotiate a peace and he was killed there. No one knows what happened to his body since the Chancellor has ordered the files sealed. Yoda sends Obi-Wan and Anakin to Felucia to investigate, while he himself speaks with Chancellor Palpatine. Palpatine tells Yoda the prior Chancellor Valorum sealed the files. Valorum tells Yoda that Sifo-Dyas was to speak with the Pykes, a group that runs the spice trade, and he locked the files so that news didn’t get out; as speaking with the Pykes would be like negotiating with the Taliban in the aughts. Based on Palpatine’s comments, Yoda believed a second Jedi was with Sifo-Dyas, but Valorum assures Yoda that only his personal aide, Silman, accompanied Sifo-Dyas.

Palpatine, as Sidious, Spacetimes(™) Dooku to have him cover his tracks and stop the Jedi investigation on Felucia. Obi-Wan and Anakin speak with the Pykes, after some Jedi persuasion the Pykes admit they shot down Sifo-Dyas’ ship and gave his body to Lord Tyranus, but kept Silman alive and imprisoned.

The Pykes offer Silman (now a crazy loon after all this time in solitary) to the Jedi to settle the affair. Meanwhile, Dooku shows up on Felucia, fights his way through some guards, and force-chokes Silman while literally standing right behind Obi-Wan and Anakin. A lightsaber duel ensues, during which it is revealed that Dooku is Tyranus! Dooku escapes.

The boys inform the council of what they discovered. Yoda tells everyone they must keep it a secret so as not to discredit the creation of the clones and the war effort.

The Jedi have leared that Dooku is the person who ordered the clone army: Yoda is meditating on this knowledge when he hears the voice of Qui-Gon Jinn, who explains that he has become part of the living force. Yoda informs the council and they all meditate together, but no one else hears the voice from beyond.

In order to determine if the voice is truly from the Force, or a trick by the Sith, Yoda undergoes a meditative trance/induced coma in a sensory deprivation tank. Yoda sees a vision of a swamp planet and the voice of Qui-Gon tells him he must go to Dagobah to complete what Qui-Gon could not. Skywalker escorts Yoda to a hangar, where R2-D2 and Yoda depart for Dagobah in a fighter.

R2 stays with the fighter in a desperate attempt to avoid any issues with him being on Dagobah with Master Yoda and knowing both how to get there and exactly who Yoda is. Yoda speaks more with Qui-Gon, who explains that he is now outside of linear time, like the Prophets of Bajor or Dr. Manhattan. Yoda sees visions of the dark future to come. Qui-Gon explains that Yoda he has been chosen to learn how to become part of the Force after death, as Qui-gon was, so that he can be a voice of light in the times to come. Yoda departs Dagobah, letting the Force guide him towards the origin of life in the Galaxy.

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Spiritual leaders on the somehow-still-peaceful planet of Bardotta are disappearing, and that Queen Julia has called upon the Senate for help. The ghost of Senator Onoconda Farr chimes in with an undignified snort, but no one in the Senate has a sense of clairaudience or of irony, and so it goes unnoticed. Chancellor Palpatine calls the Jedi Council to let them know it will in fact be a mismatched duo comedy episode starring bad cop Mace Windu and clown cop Jar Jar Binks. See, the Bardottans hate the Jedi, because they steal children, and so want Jar-Jar and no one else to come help them.

When they arrive on Bardotta, we learn that the Dagoyan Masters, non-Jedi, non-Sith force wielders, are disappearing one by one. We also learn that Jar-Jar and Queen Julia are, let's say, more than friends. Shortly after this the queen disappears. The Bardottan council explains the source of the prophecy is the Frangawl clan, who worshiped a demon in a shrine below the temple, and we realize that this is not just a buddy cop movie with a side-helping of Orientalism, but an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom pastiche.

Our heroes journey to the caverns below the palace, where Jar Jar is immediately captured and placed in a cage hanging over lava. 

After a standard amount of Jar Jar hijinks, Master Windu locates him, and the battle rages! The cultists are defeated but the cult leader escapes with the still-captive queen. Jar-jar promises the Bardottan council for the second time that day that he and Mace will recover the queen.

The Frangawl cult gets to take over the Bardottan government if Queen Julia isn’t found. I’m not sure kidnapping is a good basis for transfer of power in governments, but at this point, as an American, maybe I should be more open to new ideas.

Jar Jar breaks down what happened to the Bardotten master. The terms ‘crispy fried’ and ‘force sucked right out of him’ are referenced. Meanwhile the cultist Ornithopter lands on Geidi Prime, and if Julia is fitted with a heart plug to extract her living force I’m going to start enjoying this arc.

The Great Mother (who?!) has told the cultists that they have Jedi on their tail. The cultists are being sneaky by dragging the kidnapping victim and a glowing sphere of living force through a crowded marketplace and Jar Jar and Mace still almost miss them.

Mace and Jar Jar run into what looks like a genestealer cultist who sicks a couple Gundarks on them. Jar Jar’s prehensile tongue comes into play, and somewhere Kit Fisto senses another erotic disturbance in the Force. There’s talk of planetary alignment and apparently Lovecraftian cultists are now in the mix; we’re one pair of Nike Decades away from a cultist connect four.

Hey, it’s Mother Talzin! More fighting with some rejects from the Uldaur raid and at this point I had to lay down for a while with some pretty severe WoW flashbacks. Mother Talzin and Mace fight, and she holds her own against a Jedi who made Darth Sidious look like a chump. Where was this when Grievous invaded Dathomir? 

Anyway Jar Jar rescues the Queen, Mother Talzin’s scheme unravels and Mother Talzin dissolves with a scream…? The queen decides that maybe the Bardottens should reconsider their attitude towards the Jedi, and she just has the absolute worst judgment of anyone on this show and that’s saying a lot.

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