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Co-Rumination: Why The Self-Care Movement Leaves Us All More Miserable
“Be in the world, but not of it.”
A biblical verse may sound hypocritical coming from me, as I’ve written quite frequently about how I am a half-ass Atheist. Unsure of where I stand in my relation to any sort of God or religion, my husband prefers to categorize my uncertainty as “agnostic”: a person who simply claims neither faith nor belief in God. Admittedly, I’ve utilized the phrase “Goddamnit” more times than I can count or am proud to confess, despite simultaneously believing God is a questionable entity. Regardless of my religiosity or lack thereof, the phrase “Be in the world, but not of it” resonates with the heart of this piece, a piece I’ve written and deleted over five different times in the past month. When I asked my Jehovah’s-Witness-Dropout-Husband the meaning of the phrase, he described it quite eloquently: that it essentially aligns with John 2:15-17, stating that people who inhabit Earth should not indulge their carnal tendencies to behave like degenerates. We must live amongst our temptations while not feeding them.
A Digital Rumspringa
I’m certain many readers have binged the show Breaking Amish, in which members of an Amish community are granted their version of a Hail Merry: the “Rumspringa”. Rumspringa is a Pennsylvania-German tradition literally translating to, “running around”. It is a time in which Amish youth are given permission to separate themselves from their community to live amongst “The English” in “The World”. They get to experience modern technology, spend money on materialistic-but-unnecessary things, and essentially contact an exclusive brand of freedom. They’re no longer bound by the rigid and strict guidelines of their parents or of their Amish communities and, because the Rumspringa occurs before baptism, they’re technically not under any church or religious authority to behave any differently than a college kid on their first Spring Break.
Thanks for reading honestly unorthodox.! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Interestingly, after the Rumspringa, many youth do not wander away from their family to officiate their liberated life in modern-day America. Between 85-90% ultimately choose to rejoin their families and their associated church. The Amish live lives far simpler than ours and therefore experience our trivial stresses at far lesser rates. With this, it’s understandable, and even expected, that young adults may consider their close ties within their church to be more valuable than digital ties on social media. While not all relationships are borne of comment sections and incessant reposting of banal infographics, much of America’s “conversation” has been distilled down to that of digital formats, making for in-person communication that is painfully awkward, often times dull and superficial, and wildly immature considering the ages of the adults speaking.
In my own departure from social media, which I still have yet to decide is permanent or not, I’d like to think I’m on my own digital Rumspringa. Not only a detoxifying distance, but a hiatus characterized by self-experimentation versus excessive rumination about myself, my problems, and everything I despise about being on Instagram. I’ve gladly tumbled down that rabbit hole in previous months, and, I could advise you clinically: it makes anger worse, it makes life miserable, and it poisons relationships. Further, much of this behavior, that is, unreasonably blubbering on about the thousands of ways we’ve been wronged, is what comprises much of the “self-care movement”.
The Self-Obsession Movement
One of the most counterintuitive aspects of the “self-care” movement is its excessive focus on, yes, the self. While introspection is important in understanding our deficits, as doing so provides a framework for improving upon them to reach self-appointed goals, excessively reflecting inward is a habit symptomatic of anxious and depressed people. The anxious individual, for example, will engage in what clinical psychologists refer to as “rumination”: the repetitive, almost ritualistic dwelling on negative feelings and distressing thoughts. Any average joe with routine stress resulting from our harrowing existence as godforsaken humans will readily contest that negative thinking is inevitable. We’re all not only flagrant hypocrites, but we’re wired to arrange elaborate pity parties for ourselves when the going gets tough. This being said, there’s a liberating nature to venting, specifically if we co-vent with someone who shares our fury equally. While initially cathartic, venting actually tends to have an adverse effect; that is, it creates a co-ruminative effect, where both individuals’ complaining becomes circular, they report even greater depressive, anxious, or angry moods, and they are left miserable without any action toward a solution.
Our tendency to dodge problems in favor of whining about them is especially apparent in times of moderate to severe distress. Our go-to mechanisms fail us, and we can easily revert to more childlike type of behavior (i.e., whining, “woe is me”, lashing out). With this, it’s perfectly acceptable, and even expected, that humans will find themselves in ruts of negativity, deriving more fleeting joy and even therapeutic excitement from complaining versus taking action.
It's when we admire our problems, though, that our thinking may meet the criteria for Pathological Complainer Syndrome or, as I like to phrase it, “Being A Little Bitch Baby”. I say this with a saccharine tone and snarky grin, as I’ve taken immense joy in inhabiting the Bitch Baby role for far too long and with far too much frequency in my 32 years of living. One of the most valuable skills we can teach from young ages is that of tolerating adverse decisions and outcomes, and learning how to deal with not getting our way despite frustration. There’s a quote stated by someone whose name escapes me, but it goes something like, “It is a parent’s job to frustrate their children daily”. Because I know the modern day tendency is to contort these types of quotes into insidious statements of child abuse, I will clarify the underlying meaning.
Exposure to endless frustration and minimal reinforcement is a surefire means of developing learned helplessness, or the belief that an individual has no control over their lives. Frustration intermittently spread throughout a child or an adult’s day, though, gives them an emotional and intellectual immunity to future conflict. It’s liberating to be challenged on your beliefs, even despite the initial sting of feeling wronged or even unjustly treated. To be frank, a bit of injustice is not necessarily a problem to be eliminated, as doing so would create a pathetic utopia where people protest words that “harm” them and refuse to walk into settings where they’re not offered a safe space. Sound familiar?
Instead of “self-help”, humans may indulge their innate need for connectedness by adopting “other-help”. In doing so, we forcefully avert our focus from our own trivial concerns and instead fix our attention toward bringing meaning and purpose to a community of others. This can be done, firstly, by recognizing our own self-perceived tragedies are simply one of many, and our distress is not as special, nor as psychologically complicated, as Instagram informs us it is. While a diagnosis can offer a relief, of sorts, as it brings clarity to prolonged suffering, it has also become a trophy-like crutch that we use when our coping abilities reach their limit. This is only further fortified through social media platforms, where personality disorders become professional, paying careers.
Perhaps to the dismay of the online narcissist, we are capable of choosing our attitude and approach to life’s guaranteed problems. I used to believe gratitude exercises and even positive psychology were far too fluffy and therefore meaningless. In my maturity, I’ve found the reframing and shifting of focus from constant problem-talk to that of thriving has been invaluable to my overall sanity. It was actually through changing my perspective and my overall attitude toward things I believed I loathed that inspired my bouncy departure from social media. Instagram poisoned my conscience, turning me into a digital archaeologist on a vicious hunt for even a pebble of information worthy of a Substack piece or a podcast episode. This is not only an embarrassing confession, but an eye-opening reminder as to how quickly and how clumsily I tumbled from both my values and what I find to be truly important. I fully understand the sadness that comes with grieving the person you used to be, or grieving the person that did things you now cannot because of age, health concerns, or circumstances. I’ve also been guilty of ruminating the loss in a similar, repetitive manner that is considered pathological. Still unsure of why I allowed myself to be taken in and what I believed my mission was, I can proudly contest that distancing myself from my own thinking has provided a sense of vitality I believe is only afforded in retrospect and experience.
“Just accept that you’re a crazy, fucked up person, and life gets better! I have, and I’m great!”-Dad
Recognize the Difference Between Reflecting and Rumination
With plenty of overlap between behaviors, rumination and self-reflection are entirely different in both their appearance and their intention. Rumination, as mentioned throughout this piece, is the repetitive rehashing of our problems and the negative impact they’ve had on our psyche. Self-reflection, while it does come to acknowledge and even accept negativity, is solution-focused. It aims to analyze thoughts, feelings, and their influence on behavior, making for an internal blueprint of how our weaknesses may hinder our progress and a map for gaining forward, positive momentum. Examples of self-reflection include feedback seeking, which is as simple as asking colleagues or peers for input on our behavior or our performance. This is different from co-ruminating, in which the complaining Negative Nancy seeks out others to further gratify their need to obsess over negativity. The contagious aspect of rumination is just that: an individual who infects an interaction with ruminative spiraling will influence a generally positive person to also focus on more negative experiences in future conversations. Although it is yet another social contagion quite similar to “wokeness” or the other retrogressive movements we’ve witnessed, we have the authority to change our approach.
HERE ARE WAYS TO DITCH THE SELF-OBSESSION… AND START THE SELF-DETACHMENT:
1. AUTONOMY. Seek to find areas of your life where you can make your own choices, independent of social influence. For the person who claims they do not have any autonomy: you do. You just have to be willing to carve it out and look for it. Have you considered that perhaps you have it, but you’re not ready to accept it?
2. CONNECTEDNESS. Interact with colleagues, family, co-workers, mentors, students, or strangers to gain a perspective that you haven’t heard before. It’s important to focus on others and “giving back” when you’re in a negative spiral of self-loathing.
3. COMPETENCE. Identify activities that allow you to achieve a sense of mastery, purpose, and meaning. Make a list of pleasurable activities versus those you’d consider yourself having expertise in. Schedule both throughout your week, specifically focusing on the “Mastery” category.
4. RIGID RULES & COMPENSATORY BEHAVIOR. Create two columns. In the first, write down, “RIGID RULES”. This column looks at unrealistic expectations or demands you’ve placed on yourself or other people. In the second column, write “COMPENSATORY BEHAVIOR”, or the things you do in response to breaking of rigid rules.
5. BEHAVIORAL ACTIVATION. Our thoughts and feelings influence our behavior. Instead of allowing negative thoughts to influence us, try behaving in ways directly opposite to what your typical response may be. For example, if you are infuriated by something a colleague said, your typical response may be a passive-aggressive text. In behavioral activation, your response may be a compliment, a solution-focused question, or simply letting the comment go. You are what you do.
Thanks for reading honestly unorthodox.! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit honestlyunorthodox.substack.com
View all episodes
By Kayla“Be in the world, but not of it.”
A biblical verse may sound hypocritical coming from me, as I’ve written quite frequently about how I am a half-ass Atheist. Unsure of where I stand in my relation to any sort of God or religion, my husband prefers to categorize my uncertainty as “agnostic”: a person who simply claims neither faith nor belief in God. Admittedly, I’ve utilized the phrase “Goddamnit” more times than I can count or am proud to confess, despite simultaneously believing God is a questionable entity. Regardless of my religiosity or lack thereof, the phrase “Be in the world, but not of it” resonates with the heart of this piece, a piece I’ve written and deleted over five different times in the past month. When I asked my Jehovah’s-Witness-Dropout-Husband the meaning of the phrase, he described it quite eloquently: that it essentially aligns with John 2:15-17, stating that people who inhabit Earth should not indulge their carnal tendencies to behave like degenerates. We must live amongst our temptations while not feeding them.
A Digital Rumspringa
I’m certain many readers have binged the show Breaking Amish, in which members of an Amish community are granted their version of a Hail Merry: the “Rumspringa”. Rumspringa is a Pennsylvania-German tradition literally translating to, “running around”. It is a time in which Amish youth are given permission to separate themselves from their community to live amongst “The English” in “The World”. They get to experience modern technology, spend money on materialistic-but-unnecessary things, and essentially contact an exclusive brand of freedom. They’re no longer bound by the rigid and strict guidelines of their parents or of their Amish communities and, because the Rumspringa occurs before baptism, they’re technically not under any church or religious authority to behave any differently than a college kid on their first Spring Break.
Thanks for reading honestly unorthodox.! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Interestingly, after the Rumspringa, many youth do not wander away from their family to officiate their liberated life in modern-day America. Between 85-90% ultimately choose to rejoin their families and their associated church. The Amish live lives far simpler than ours and therefore experience our trivial stresses at far lesser rates. With this, it’s understandable, and even expected, that young adults may consider their close ties within their church to be more valuable than digital ties on social media. While not all relationships are borne of comment sections and incessant reposting of banal infographics, much of America’s “conversation” has been distilled down to that of digital formats, making for in-person communication that is painfully awkward, often times dull and superficial, and wildly immature considering the ages of the adults speaking.
In my own departure from social media, which I still have yet to decide is permanent or not, I’d like to think I’m on my own digital Rumspringa. Not only a detoxifying distance, but a hiatus characterized by self-experimentation versus excessive rumination about myself, my problems, and everything I despise about being on Instagram. I’ve gladly tumbled down that rabbit hole in previous months, and, I could advise you clinically: it makes anger worse, it makes life miserable, and it poisons relationships. Further, much of this behavior, that is, unreasonably blubbering on about the thousands of ways we’ve been wronged, is what comprises much of the “self-care movement”.
The Self-Obsession Movement
One of the most counterintuitive aspects of the “self-care” movement is its excessive focus on, yes, the self. While introspection is important in understanding our deficits, as doing so provides a framework for improving upon them to reach self-appointed goals, excessively reflecting inward is a habit symptomatic of anxious and depressed people. The anxious individual, for example, will engage in what clinical psychologists refer to as “rumination”: the repetitive, almost ritualistic dwelling on negative feelings and distressing thoughts. Any average joe with routine stress resulting from our harrowing existence as godforsaken humans will readily contest that negative thinking is inevitable. We’re all not only flagrant hypocrites, but we’re wired to arrange elaborate pity parties for ourselves when the going gets tough. This being said, there’s a liberating nature to venting, specifically if we co-vent with someone who shares our fury equally. While initially cathartic, venting actually tends to have an adverse effect; that is, it creates a co-ruminative effect, where both individuals’ complaining becomes circular, they report even greater depressive, anxious, or angry moods, and they are left miserable without any action toward a solution.
Our tendency to dodge problems in favor of whining about them is especially apparent in times of moderate to severe distress. Our go-to mechanisms fail us, and we can easily revert to more childlike type of behavior (i.e., whining, “woe is me”, lashing out). With this, it’s perfectly acceptable, and even expected, that humans will find themselves in ruts of negativity, deriving more fleeting joy and even therapeutic excitement from complaining versus taking action.
It's when we admire our problems, though, that our thinking may meet the criteria for Pathological Complainer Syndrome or, as I like to phrase it, “Being A Little Bitch Baby”. I say this with a saccharine tone and snarky grin, as I’ve taken immense joy in inhabiting the Bitch Baby role for far too long and with far too much frequency in my 32 years of living. One of the most valuable skills we can teach from young ages is that of tolerating adverse decisions and outcomes, and learning how to deal with not getting our way despite frustration. There’s a quote stated by someone whose name escapes me, but it goes something like, “It is a parent’s job to frustrate their children daily”. Because I know the modern day tendency is to contort these types of quotes into insidious statements of child abuse, I will clarify the underlying meaning.
Exposure to endless frustration and minimal reinforcement is a surefire means of developing learned helplessness, or the belief that an individual has no control over their lives. Frustration intermittently spread throughout a child or an adult’s day, though, gives them an emotional and intellectual immunity to future conflict. It’s liberating to be challenged on your beliefs, even despite the initial sting of feeling wronged or even unjustly treated. To be frank, a bit of injustice is not necessarily a problem to be eliminated, as doing so would create a pathetic utopia where people protest words that “harm” them and refuse to walk into settings where they’re not offered a safe space. Sound familiar?
Instead of “self-help”, humans may indulge their innate need for connectedness by adopting “other-help”. In doing so, we forcefully avert our focus from our own trivial concerns and instead fix our attention toward bringing meaning and purpose to a community of others. This can be done, firstly, by recognizing our own self-perceived tragedies are simply one of many, and our distress is not as special, nor as psychologically complicated, as Instagram informs us it is. While a diagnosis can offer a relief, of sorts, as it brings clarity to prolonged suffering, it has also become a trophy-like crutch that we use when our coping abilities reach their limit. This is only further fortified through social media platforms, where personality disorders become professional, paying careers.
Perhaps to the dismay of the online narcissist, we are capable of choosing our attitude and approach to life’s guaranteed problems. I used to believe gratitude exercises and even positive psychology were far too fluffy and therefore meaningless. In my maturity, I’ve found the reframing and shifting of focus from constant problem-talk to that of thriving has been invaluable to my overall sanity. It was actually through changing my perspective and my overall attitude toward things I believed I loathed that inspired my bouncy departure from social media. Instagram poisoned my conscience, turning me into a digital archaeologist on a vicious hunt for even a pebble of information worthy of a Substack piece or a podcast episode. This is not only an embarrassing confession, but an eye-opening reminder as to how quickly and how clumsily I tumbled from both my values and what I find to be truly important. I fully understand the sadness that comes with grieving the person you used to be, or grieving the person that did things you now cannot because of age, health concerns, or circumstances. I’ve also been guilty of ruminating the loss in a similar, repetitive manner that is considered pathological. Still unsure of why I allowed myself to be taken in and what I believed my mission was, I can proudly contest that distancing myself from my own thinking has provided a sense of vitality I believe is only afforded in retrospect and experience.
“Just accept that you’re a crazy, fucked up person, and life gets better! I have, and I’m great!”-Dad
Recognize the Difference Between Reflecting and Rumination
With plenty of overlap between behaviors, rumination and self-reflection are entirely different in both their appearance and their intention. Rumination, as mentioned throughout this piece, is the repetitive rehashing of our problems and the negative impact they’ve had on our psyche. Self-reflection, while it does come to acknowledge and even accept negativity, is solution-focused. It aims to analyze thoughts, feelings, and their influence on behavior, making for an internal blueprint of how our weaknesses may hinder our progress and a map for gaining forward, positive momentum. Examples of self-reflection include feedback seeking, which is as simple as asking colleagues or peers for input on our behavior or our performance. This is different from co-ruminating, in which the complaining Negative Nancy seeks out others to further gratify their need to obsess over negativity. The contagious aspect of rumination is just that: an individual who infects an interaction with ruminative spiraling will influence a generally positive person to also focus on more negative experiences in future conversations. Although it is yet another social contagion quite similar to “wokeness” or the other retrogressive movements we’ve witnessed, we have the authority to change our approach.
HERE ARE WAYS TO DITCH THE SELF-OBSESSION… AND START THE SELF-DETACHMENT:
1. AUTONOMY. Seek to find areas of your life where you can make your own choices, independent of social influence. For the person who claims they do not have any autonomy: you do. You just have to be willing to carve it out and look for it. Have you considered that perhaps you have it, but you’re not ready to accept it?
2. CONNECTEDNESS. Interact with colleagues, family, co-workers, mentors, students, or strangers to gain a perspective that you haven’t heard before. It’s important to focus on others and “giving back” when you’re in a negative spiral of self-loathing.
3. COMPETENCE. Identify activities that allow you to achieve a sense of mastery, purpose, and meaning. Make a list of pleasurable activities versus those you’d consider yourself having expertise in. Schedule both throughout your week, specifically focusing on the “Mastery” category.
4. RIGID RULES & COMPENSATORY BEHAVIOR. Create two columns. In the first, write down, “RIGID RULES”. This column looks at unrealistic expectations or demands you’ve placed on yourself or other people. In the second column, write “COMPENSATORY BEHAVIOR”, or the things you do in response to breaking of rigid rules.
5. BEHAVIORAL ACTIVATION. Our thoughts and feelings influence our behavior. Instead of allowing negative thoughts to influence us, try behaving in ways directly opposite to what your typical response may be. For example, if you are infuriated by something a colleague said, your typical response may be a passive-aggressive text. In behavioral activation, your response may be a compliment, a solution-focused question, or simply letting the comment go. You are what you do.
Thanks for reading honestly unorthodox.! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit honestlyunorthodox.substack.com