it's all good and I'm noticing things about my communication some of the videos I'm a little bit more humorous some of them flow a lot better some of my talk for a lot longer without a break between what I'm talking about which could be a blip in the video or a blip in the video could be because I coughed or said the words really wrong I could just keep going but I decided that I would stop and then say the word over so that I could come back later and edit it so gone through and I've done a lot of editing and done a lot of editing and I think I'm ready for the next iteration of whatever it is that I want to say and I was even thinking that maybe at some point I won't even feel like I need to talk about this anymore because at least I've said it into videos I've made it into videos and I could just move on i could just drop it and whether or not i ever release the videos to the public or not it doesn't matter what matters is just that I got to say it I've got to I just think it would say it out loud and then revisit it and watch it and and I almost came up with oh did it again I'm I almost came up with a lot more insights based on just listening to what I was saying so while I was talking I had ideas of what I wanted to say but when I was expanding on those ideas i came up with new ideas and then watching myself speak i actually came up with ideas beyond some of the ideas that i said or new ways to tie them together so it was like the next integration the next evolution and it almost feels like now I've entered into this space where I'm just constantly learning from myself from that other communication that comes through and it almost feels like maybe I never need to read another book again and some of the stuff that I speak about has a background in some of the stuff that I've read and some of it doesn't but it almost some of it the book stuff is actually confirmed by my experience so then I refer to the book stuff because of that because basically and that's another thing I say a lot basically because I need more words for basically but and also i can say maybe because maybe those people have done sort of the science and i have this experience and i read those books and then I had this experience and now I'm relating my experience back to the books on what the books were saying so maybe the books and things I read primed the experience but it's just interesting after like doing all this reading and then having these experiences and being in rogers and retrospect being able to be like wow that really resonates with all the things i've read yet my experience by society is interpreted as a mental illness and i don't really see it that way as you know if you've watched some of my videos but it's okay to also include that I I do feel like it is partly true say like one or two percent true in that and it could be more percent true because that's the truth that people behold within their relational minds about that concept or suppose in fact people see it as a mental illness and that's why to me through these conversations and logs with myself just getting that energy in motion into sound words thoughts new means it could actually perhaps help to change the relational mine or change the way we relate and talk about these experiences and I have no idea if that's true but I don't know what the alternative is the alternative seems to be something really slow there's a lot of great people doing a lot of great work out there and I don't know of anyone who just starts talking with themselves into a camera about it and posting it and i don't know if i will post it the reason I'm saying this is because I feel like these perspectives might resonate with a lot of people and maybe I'll share a thousand different perspectives or a thousand different ways of thinking about it and it's not about saying that these thousand ways are right maybe they're all wrong the point is that i am thinking about it differently i'm thinking for myself about it i'm looking at it and i'm analyzing it but not as a person that has all these facts that I've been told about it and then thinking about myself in terms of that I'm actually there's a spider on the wall I'm actually thinking for myself about it and looking at it from different perspectives and vantage points and comparing it to things and making metaphors out of it making meaning out of it having insights about it instead of just thinking about it in terms of the stigma story and and so what I'm trying to say is some of that might resonate or it might just resonate that oh there's a different way to think about it or i can think about it however I want it's my inner subjective experience just as I couldn't interpret a dream a thousand different ways I can interpret altered states that was a mistake altered states of consciousness in any way that I find meaningful in the moment and it can change over time and I can think about it x way today and Zed way tomorrow and I can forget that I ever thought about it x way and white if I don't write it down and look at it again I might never remember that I thought about it that way it was just an interesting way to think about it and there's so many different possible ways of thinking about it instead of thinking about it the one way that we're told to think about it why not think about it in as many ways as possible if anything else just for fun just to entertain oneself about one's own consciousness and experience and in my mind it's actually better to not hold on to any of those interpretations as facts they're just thoughts about the experience of thoughts and abstractions that one had in an altered states of God altered state of consciousness so none of it is really true it's all words about words and it's to me it's partly like making up my own philosophy of altered states of consciousness from my own experience and relating it to stuff that I've learned about and when I do this relating it to certain things I read in books I cannot guarantee the accuracy I'm just going off the top of my head so if something sounds interesting that I talked about that was something that somebody else discovered please don't quote me on it I can find the reference if you would like if you want to ask me and when you read it and you look it up it might not be exactly as I have outlined it and that's not the point the point is just that there was a certain person that had a certain thought of discovery that related to what I experienced and when I share in the moment about it it may or may not come out exactly right and that's the point this point that this talking isn't about being perfectly correct about stuff it's just about talking it's just about having conversation just like I might have conversation with a stranger on the street not about facts facts are like going out and looking and then seeing that somebody else said it's okay to think this it's a fact and then putting it my brain and memorizing it so then when the time comes I can regurgitate it and sound smart or be sure that I'm right or when the conversation and this isn't about that this is about just having conversation this is about making conversations about making meaning it's not about right and wrong it's not about facts we rely so much on professionals to give us the facts that we forget how to actually think for ourselves and if we are just regurgitating facts or what we think are facts we're actually not thinking at all we're not using our brains we're actually just robotic machines who have just memorized certain things and those things come out when prompted as associations in a reflex so our thoughts become reflexes and in that way we are just programmed and conditioned robots so by remembering so many facts and studying and memorizing them we're actually making ourselves quite mechanical and when you think about it a person that specializes in something and becomes professional becomes very full of all of that knowledge so they can just be this quick reflex with that knowledge and that's important in various fields for sure but if we in our daily life just use professional facts or things we heard on the news in order to make conversation we're actually just being a reflex memories which we heard which are secondhand which means we're not actually coming up with anything ourselves zero and we're actually trained to not come up with stuff ourselves just through our education by learning things and then putting our hand up to have the right answer well to me some of these altered states of consciousness that I've experienced it's almost like there are so many more thoughts that come up and associations that are new and the range and the depth and the breadth of the associations and thoughts are it's huge so I have all these new thoughts and some of them seem right and some of them seem wrong and some of them seem weird and some of them are making associations to things in the past what I've realized was this is almost like a state where the universe is brainstorming through us there's the process of brainstorming where people just sit down and just say every idea without filtering so it's almost like the universe turns us into a brainstorm and through our daily existence in sales data mania everything we see has all these thoughts perceptions associations and there's way more of them there's there's a hundred or a thousand times more and in that way it's almost like we're brainstorming and there's no filter there's no filter which is the filter that is what we've chosen to memorize and store in our memory banks and almost have it in their taking up all the RAM or random access memory so we can't randomly access any other source of thoughts or thinking that might be actually based on perceiving the environment around us so in my thoughts in the process of same mania that filter turns off and the universe is actually brainstorming through us so instead of us through our linear process going and picking choosing what we're going to store in our brains the universe that hey i'm going to show you all of this and to go with that it almost feels like the brain is trying to grow again they talked about how at a certain point in child development the brain goes through a pruning process so certain neural pathways and neurons get pruned off and a good chunk of neurons actually get pruned and i'm wondering actually if sort of society the way the society is actually designed is what prunes the neurons so the neurons get pruned to match society now if we had a different society full of more degrees of freedom and possibilities of what is agreed to be allowable experiences and perceptions and states of consciousness maybe those neurons wouldn't get pruned and what I'm thinking too is that this mania process is like a second brain growth it's an attempt to almost regrow those neurons through all these thoughts and associations and hyper energy and then there's no discernment it's almost like being an adult child and we don't have that discernment we go back to the place where we're actually testing things in reality that our rules that we actually probably had the programming for but that programming gets deleted and then we're again testing reality and trying to find it how it works figuring out how gravity works for hearing out so many different things just as a child would and then I feel like that state only lasts so long and then again there's a pruning process so maybe the pruning happens in the whole process of a person being sort of recaptured and medicated back into society maybe if somebody wasn't recaptured their brain would just keep growing and I'm just making this up I don't know if the brain is actually attempting to grow but just makes me feel like all this energy comes up through the brain in the body all these thoughts and associations and thoughts and associations actually it's part of the whole neuroplasticity process so it could be trying to create neuroplastic changes in the brain through this mania and if there was neuroplastic changes in the brain a person's behavior and perception would be altered and if their behavior and perception is altered they're actually going to act different in society and actually alter society just ever so slightly I'm actually thinking that some of that brain growth is almost like trying to regrow that brain aspect parts that got pruned off in that childhood stage where the brain gets pruned and maybe the brain is pruned to the consensus but maybe there are other realities that can be created if the brain didn't get pruned in that way so what I'm saying is this mania is like energy coming up to try and get us to see the world differently to be in the world differently to act in the world differently to have those manic traits to have a manic state and actually start to embody those traits and I realize it's not just about embodying the manic traits but it's about making them relational so if I said at home and I embody all my manic traits but I never go and say hi to somebody it's not going to make it relational so people will would see a person thats a practice their manic traits and that person would have a different energy than people that maybe wouldn't have had that state change and I also realized that when I was talking about practicing manic traits it's actually not practicing in order to get that back because I actually feel like that state is our natural state it's our adult child state I'm not sure if I said this before but it's like if I was a child and then I never got conditioned through education through family and all of that and i was still in that innocent curious in a state of wonder and awe about the world and feeling like I'm superhuman because I'm a child and I don't realize that I'm not yet if I would have never been conditioned that trajectory that I would have gone on throughout my life is the manic state adult so that's the unconditioned adult child version of me that exists alongside of me within me and the only reason I'm not embodied as that version of me as the true version is because of the programming is because of the hurts because of the the sadness because of different things I've experienced in my life that caused me to have these memories and things that make me react in a way that make me want to protect my ego so there's one thing to have a reflex reaction to want to protect the body from like a dangerous animal it's another thing to try to protect the ego and then the ego is trying to protect the ego and so it's just strengthening the ego more and more over time and because there's that cluster in that constellation of thoughts and memories and and protection mechanisms that actually prevents me from being my natural child like adult self and so the reason I said that is because it's not necessarily about practicing mania because I need to practice and it's going to take a lot of time to get back to that version of myself it doesn't take time I already saw that I already saw boom snap the fingers I can be in that state amania and I'm just that other version of myself so why can't I just snap my fingers again and be there and not have to practice the reason is because the ego it's because I've practiced being that ego self and so my thoughts on practicing the manic traits are is going to write over some of that ego programming by embodying those manic traits that are actually relational and embodied trades so the ego is just thoughts in one's head and the traits are actually action a lot of them are perception action so in a moment where I can be kind I'm kind if I can be conscious of my posture and be up straight in a proper posture so gravity has the least effect on my my physical structure and it's not going to start punching me over over time which eventually that causes more and more problems like gravity is one of the biggest things that causes health travel over time and or not walking properly so or being creative is a natural part of being in the manic state and that's another thing I realized is that the manic state is like the adult child state and it goes along with this like brain growth pruning thing I was talking about to and also in childhood we would have lots of thoughts and ideas and perceptions and we wouldn't be filtering them we wouldn't be filtering them based on right and wrong because we don't really know right and wrong and then a lot of times we'll ask our parents like oh is this right and they'll say no that's not right so we we prune it away we say no that's not right so this is right this is how I should think about it and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that process per se but it seems like it gets really again in mania and if I'm an adult child version of myself manias very characteristic of creativity and learning and this whole hyper associative thought process and new thoughts and new perceptions and new ideas and wait so much of it is actually like a learning process it's kind of like actually being able to learn again and and we're learning based on all these new information coming up and trying to make sense of it so instead of going through this literary linear process of studying a subject maybe specializing in something or learning about something in detail which is also an important process mania is sort of like learning about everything fresh again and wondering about it and being curious and to me this is actually important because otherwise we're so stuck in the structures of thought that we think that we know that we think are the truth and our everything in all in our beliefs and I think this this energy of mania comes up and breaks at all apart so there was stuff there about the learning it's like definitely back to learning and creativity the other thing was about the practicing and again some of the practicing is it's not just writing over like the thought habit patterns it's also writing over the patterns of the body so to go around and actually smile at people that is changing not just thoughts it's it's changing like your face since I started smiling more my teeth actually do show more and when I smile a lot of times my lip goes like this where as before when I saw out it always went like this so you know that what I'm saying is the structure of the face changes based on how we are and how we use our face so going around smiling people not only changes our face for like the better but it also is relational so someone may or may not smile back sometimes when I get a smile from a stranger it like it's the best moment of my day it's like such a it's a surprise it's nice and and I generally smile at people when people smile back or say hi and it's just nice and so that's the relational aspects so it's embodying it in one's physiology in one's body and also relating it and also by embodying it we are relating it because people notice when you have yourself you know together and your energy and your you know you're together to the point where you're not thinking about yourself and your woes you're actually their present and ready to share a smile or ready to share a Hello and that's a gift that's giving and we're just being perceptive and not necessarily being stuck in one's head and noticing oh I could open that door for someone and not hesitating not thinking Oh someone else might do it just actually doing it without even thinking and that's part of getting rid of some of the structures of thought is just acting without thinking because there's a lot of action we can do that doesn't really require thought if we're in a present moment situation it doesn't generally require thought and again the practicing isn't to say you need to practice in order to be that way somebody could get a whack on the head and be totally different tomorrow so you don't necessarily have to practice but the practicing I feel rights over not necessarily the thought habits in your head which I think I already said but it actually rights over the way that you use your body the gestures the the way you move the way you everything so it becomes embodied and you become a different relational human being and it's just a totally it's a totally different way of being so I feel like we can actually be more that way instantaneously and even by practicing it I don't even mean practicing it it's more like noticing it so just noticing at moment-to-moment noticing the gesture that one is doing not necessarily thinking okay I'm practicing this but by being conscious being aware and noticing will notice that we naturally do it versus if we're identified with our thinking process and in that way it's a moment-to-moment practice it's not a practice in order to accumulate it is just each moment what is required like see and act and also that way if the ego structure does collapse again all of those traits that one experiences as oneself in mania will already be in the muscle memory it will already be in the gesture so when the extra energy comes in I'm thinking a person might not even really notice because it's not like this extra energy coming through and it has nowhere to go it can't be expressed it can't be expressed through the body through gesture it can't be expressed through conversation it can't be expressed through writing or sharing in some way I feel like the more one embodies that sharing that they want to be the less one will really notice that extra energy it'll be like designed into one's life already and I feel like that that state our natural state is available to us right now yet at the same time if I was in that natural state right now that exact natural state I wouldn't necessarily want to spend every day at home sitting on the couch talking to myself on a phone I would be wanting to do different things and what I'm saying with that is I need to start doing some of those different things so again when I am that self I can go about those activities without getting lost in them like without without it's almost part of that pruning thing not just pruning in one's brain or pruning in one's thoughts are pruning in one one's way they see the world but also pruning in one's lifestyle design so if I don't sort of have a plan of what i'm going to do with some of that manic energy that are things in line with what I've seen that I want to do before then when the energy comes I'll end up doing everything and a lot of it will be unrelated to what it is that I'm trying to design my life as because my life has two can be congruent with that energy with that life energy with that energy that i am in that state of mania because if it's not and i am that exact version of me that i am in that state and i have this same old setup it's not going to work as well as if i have a design for that so maybe sometimes I'm not in that state and this life that I have right now my I routine is fine but maybe I also have to have another routine in mind for when that happens and I'm part of that is making these videos a little bit because i feel like if i can just share some of these things then that's a way for the energy to almost like get out of my system and because at one point at some point I don't really want to be sitting here talking about that I want to be just living that way and maybe living that way and talking about it and i'm not sure if i'd even release these until I am because all I will have done a lot of talking and it's all philosophizing it's all words and it's one thing for me to say I talked about the trees being cut down and and homeless people and stuff while I sit in my cushy little place right that's a that's not really embodying my altruism but at the same time part of my altruism with these videos is that I really feel like we have been given the end of the stick and we've been told how to interpret ourselves through these experiences and I'm not trying to say that they're wonderful experiences all the time there's a lot of people suffering and I've suffered a lot too but at the same time I I think there's a lot more to it and I could be completely wrong but my part of my altruism is just to put this out there and just talk about it because if it does help a few people see things a little bit differently in terms of even reframing like my reframe that I gave was I take medication to stay grounded in this reality that is happening I don't take it necessarily because I'm up deficient or defective I just it keeps me grounded in this reality otherwise I kind of my consciousness changes and I go off into other experiences of reality that get me a bit lost so that's a reframe but then there's also revision which to me it's not just about oh this is the new way to interpret it one vision it's in my mind a thousand visions per person and they're just stories and just talking and I've said at the very least some of them could just be interesting movie scripts and it's really just entertaining ideas and then state of mania we get a lot of ideas and we entertain them some of them we we follow or we go off with a bit and others are just entertaining they're entertaining us so some are entertaining some we entertain so it's just entertaining ideas and that's what i'm doing is entertaining ideas they're interesting to me some of them and they could be entertaining or and it's not just also about okay these are my thousand visions and different ways I see it it's about create some of your own ways of seeing and thinking about it for yourself and just those three distinct things that I just mentioned could create enough of an energetic shift for a person to not self stigmatize so much to actually think well maybe I'm not ill and efficient maybe that's the way society sees it that's the way it's interpreted right now and maybe it's a useful framework to utilize because that's the one that's available but it doesn't mean I have to think that and believe that about myself and it doesn't mean that I have to go around saying I'm not mentally ill invite the system a lot of people do that and that has its value but to me I wouldn't want to get better just to use my energy getting mad at the system that was there to help me because it wasn't as helpful as it could have been if they had different perspectives of of helping the situation and they don't and that's why I would like to speak about a million perspectives because maybe that will help shift people to see that maybe there are different ways of thinking about it and it weighs that we'd rather think about it then the illness thing and it's not that there's no bad stuff I'm not saying that there is but there's also a lot a lot a lot of stuff out there focusing on the bad stuff of it so they're doing a great job of that and a lot of it has a lot of positive stuff mixed in with the the bad stuff and it's helpful but I personally would like to focus on all those things that I just said about revision a reframing and whatever the other one was and also talking about some of the good things that happen the spiritual aspects or the traits that we experience in those states and that's the next level of it besides the self stigma like lessening the self stigma by thinking of it differently and not just that but starting to think for oneself so actually feeling empowered to think versus just thinking about how we're told to interpret it and then reacting to life based on how people treat us based on how we're told to interpret it which we don't even have to believe that and think that about ourselves in the first place it's nice even if it's helpful to have a diagnosis and half the medical paradigm you know the medical part can be two percent of life and then adding in ninety-eight percent wellness and revision and reframing and not only that but thinking about the actual process of mania and psychosis and whatever altered states of consciousness I don't want to use the medical terms as much going forward because this isn't even about those medical terms like I only use them because i was diagnosed but really i don't really believe those so much so i might believe those one percent as it pertains to the practical matters but the rest of it I don't I don't really believe and I don't even believe all the things that I've said necessarily i just am talking about them they're not I'm not going to believe every single thing that I say and I don't have to only say things that I believe wholeheartedly like that is like why do we have to believe anything even the things that we believe that we believe but anyways so the next level and again wanting to think more about the positive aspects is again the traits and states of mania and what that could mean and how it could be used as transformation transformation into the ones best self which I believe a person's best self is actually for part of the design all of humanity so how can we best be in service of humanity in a way so this is a bit of service to humanity for me because I feel like by putting this on video I can just maybe decide to never talk about it again and just get on with actually acting physically but this way I can have more conversation with more people so the positive things the traits the states but again being one's best self and being one's best self to me is actually part of finding one's altruism or designing one's altruism and I feel like a lot of people in mania connect with giving and sharing and serving and altruism and meaning and trying to really find that or connect with that and I feel like it's almost like a dis ease of meaning so we've become hyper meaningful and describing extra meaning to everything in those states but it's like we're trying to put me on something to make life more meaningful and really to me it's about stepping into embodying that altruism that we want to share as our best selves I feel the state of mania it's sort of like it's going from egocentricity and worrying about 

oneself to world centricity and so I feel that's the transformation again when the ego collapses which is just the thought structure and conditioning we become that childlike adult version of ourselves which doesn't really have an ego so it's not so concerned about itself even though some of it does there is some self-concern part of it I'm not talking about all of Mania is good I'm not saying that I'm talking about some of the positive aspects of mania there are some really negative aspects for sure but I'm wanting to key in on to the positive ones because those ones are generally missed because a person when they are eventually treated are usually treated because of the negative aspects of mania or maybe it's turned into a depression or psychosis or something if with me and psychosis so by the time I'm treated and sort of dull doubt again maybe the mania was a while ago and so it sort of lost in the mix and and I'm not again I'm not talking about mania is so good so I want to go back into the state of mania with all the good bad and everything in between I'm saying I want to look at the positive stuff that I experienced as myself in those states and use that as part of some kind of information to transform my daily life so if I really liked a certain aspect of being altruistic or generous maybe I can incorporate that in my daily life when I'm not in the state of mania and I feel like that will create that as an embodied and relational part of our being and I think that some of those positive traits and mania are trying to spring up through somebody when they go into that state and now by being that way in daily life like picking some of those then it's actually embodied and maybe when the energy comes it's not going to be so disruptive because a lot of the things that it sort of created a person to be like very abruptly they're already that way because they've been that way in daily life they've been utilizing that to inform their daily life now when a person gets treated and everything is focused on getting rid of symptoms and not letting those things return no mania return no depression return those elements that could actually be useful is those are lost and i think that's that's a shame and i feel too that if i was to connect with my altruism and what it is that I want to give and I start giving it that's also going to reduce myself stigmatization because I know I'm being a good person so even though I was given a diagnosis of some kind I'm still able to extend myself and help somebody else I don't have to put myself into the place of complete victim and and that's empowering to to not take that stance as much as I can and then also if I'm busy doing kind of altruistic carrying things I'm not gonna really feel stigmatized as much because if I'm doing that people are less apt to stigmatize me or even notice that anything's maybe a bit amiss with me or if I'm doing all those things and then I do have some kind of lip and I have a bit of a distress and things are not going so well for a little while well I've made their friends through my my kind acts and my altruism who are going to be more forgiving and who are going to be there for me versus you know connecting out of fear and stuff like that and there was actually a quote and a study and I mentioned this before that it says that the system going forward needs to be redesigned to actually have helping others as part of the system of care if you want to call it that which just means they're saying like a person has a crisis and they're like down and out get them to help others right away we as in the happy movie documentary it talks about when the fastest ways to feel happier and better about yourself and good is to do something for someone else less fortunate and there's always somebody less fortunate and that's again what I'm talking about with me just talking here I'm not out doing as much for the less fortunate like to say the homeless people and stuff which I do want to do and I hope that you will join me I have several initiatives in mind and I haven't really I'm really talked about them I will at some point but again this next level of finding manic traits and making them embodied again it's not about the manic state it's about the traits and seeing that hey I was that way we get brainwashed into this whole mental illness story that we forget in the case of somebody that goes through 0 mania that hey I experienced myself as a pretty good version of myself and certain traits I had an experience to myself I never knew I had they can never knew and then all the treatment happens and they get they disappear but I feel they're still there and also I feel like maybe by harvesting some of that it can be used to design one's life going forward that's the thing too is that in a state of mania it feels like everything has to happen now well I like to harvest all that and then see how i can create that in my life going forward so all those ideas I had just because I bottomed out and end up dulled out and not able to really do much for a while doesn't mean I don't have my little notepad of stuff that I thought about that I can go back to later and say hey that's cool maybe i'll look into that oh that's a silly idea i don't want to do that but it's there and it's it can be a source for many years to come

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.