A raw, honest look at the chaos I called love, the addiction to passion, and my decision to choose soft love — even when it hurts.

We're getting vulnerable today babe.

Here's the tea- Utah Boy has been living in my head rent mf free.

Not because of who he is, but because of who I am.

Because of what I've passed off as normal. Because of what I've learned to call love.

I'm sharing the nitty gritty details of my soul, because I know what it's like to feel like a mf addict - to love, to passion, to connection.

I know what it's like to sob while you journal all the reasons it hurts to stay...and then immediately check for their name on your phone.

It took me a four-hour conversation with a literal robot (thanks Chat) to realize that I have normalized this chaos. My soul has thrived on chaos.

This two year whiplash has felt like home.

I've been confusing passion for love. Chaos for connection.

And it's my responsibility to choose every single day to say "I'll wait" for my soft love. To create an internal world that can handle the safety of soft love.

It's an addicts job to step away from the chemical and deal with the fallout of withdrawal.

And it's also their job to quit calling themselves embarrassing when their biology calls for more of what keeps the system alive - in my case, chaos.

Of course my body wants more. Which is exactly what makes stepping back so damn courageous.

Even if - and when - I have to do it over and over again.

Because this isn't about Utah Boy. It's about all the men that came before him...and all the ones that will come after.

It's about every time I have to find the courage to be honest with myself about what I deserve and the patterns I'm falling into.

It's about every 2am cry under the covers while I summon the strength to choose soft love - again and again.

Just because something feels familiar - feels like home - doesn't mean it's a safe place to rest.

Follow along on IG: @bswithbethanysimko

Follow along on Tik Tok: @bethanyysimko

Read the blog