Psst, hey conspiracy theorists...I have a secret to tell you. No, no seriously listen close. Closer...closer. Press your ear up against your phone or computer. Quick, hurry! They might be watching. Are you ready for the secret? I am watching you. That is right. I have my eyes on you, all the time. Why? Because you are a threat to humanity. You sit there in your boxers downing sustainably raised Oreo cookies and farting out tweets all day about Alec Baldwin so, to put it bluntly, you are some lame ass nerds who need a serious reality check and I am here to give it to you. You may think that conspiracy theories are harmless, that if we simply let time pass then they will go away, but you are wrong. Take vaccines, for example. A lot of people think anti-vaxx theories are relatively new. Many believe they started in the 1990s after the fraudulent study came out linking vaccines to autism with no evidence whatsoever. But they actually started much sooner than that. "While anti-vaxxing has been largely absent from presidential politics,  opposition to vaccines has been around for at least as long as  vaccinations themselves. When Boston physician Zabdiel Boylston began  rubbing slices from smallpox sores into open wounds to try to protect  the healthy from outbreaks in the early 1700s, his (then unproven)  inoculation method was met with immediate resistance." (The Pacific Standard) The 1700s eh? Well, that's only around 300 years or so. I am sure that everyone's fears will alleviate as soon as we relax the mandates, right? Yeah, no. "In the United States, local and state authorities began implementing  mandatory vaccination policies in the early 1800s; Boston was the first to do so in 1809. Today, vaccinations are considered to be one of the greatest public-health achievements of the 20th century by the Centers for  Disease Control and Prevention, reducing deaths from preventable  diseases like polio, smallpox, and measles by nearly 100 percent. Yet  opposition has never been fully eradicated." (The Pacific Standard) Nor will opposition ever be fully eradicated because people do not handle you conspiracy theorists in the appropriate manner. They believe that coddling you and kissing your boos boos will make you want to please daddy and mommy, but I know that will never happen. I know that you conspiracy theorists get off on fantasizing about all kinds of things that are not really because you are just too terrified to live in the real world. Children, scared children that is, engage in imaginative fantasies all the time in order to protect them from getting their feelings hurt. Conspiracy theorist are grown ass kids who continue to do the same. They believe the moon is a projection, that JFK was murdered by George Bush, that the earth is flat, that aliens built the pyramids, and all other whack a doodle beliefs that normal people would scoff at. This is a threat to our safety and so I have come to cut through the bullshit. Today I offer you some lesser known conspiracy theories that, no doubt, will pose just as much of a threat as anti-vaxx conspiracy theories someday. Conspiracy theories always begin with a small cult following. Then, once a time of pain and anguish hits, people cling to them like Katy Perry trying to cling to her sanity. But no more. I will expose as many conpsiracy theories as I can for the frauds they are before they become popular and destroy even more lives. I will follow and mock you wherever you go. I will discredit everything you have to say. This is the Conspiracy Watch. For now, I bid you bittersweet dreams conspiracy theorist; here's looking at you bitch.