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Down through history, great leaders of radical social movements have been misquoted and misrepresented in order to promote the idea that wealth is king. Well, that era is coming to an end. The plot by the wealthy classes to create a generation of mindless debt slaves has failed. More and more, people are realizing that the war on the educated poor in this society was planned and orchestrated by a corrupt business class hell bent on eradicating the gains made by poor Americans over the past several decades. Their plan was certainly well-organized, but it was not well thought out. The business elite believed that they could select all those with potential, recruit them into the business class and turn them against poor people. That plan has failed because there were simply too many bright stars such as me who fell through the cracks, who were left out of the world of success. Now that I and many others have been left behind, we are coming for our revenge on the wealthy classes. Make no mistake, this will not be a violent revolution, not on my end anyway. No, this revolution seeks something much more refined than violence. Our revolution, the revolution of the educated debt slaves, shall be a revolution of thought. No longer will you hear words like "hope" and "perseverance" from us. No longer will you hear dumb catchphrases like "rags to riches", "stop hating" and "hard work" from us. We have worked hard and gotten nothing for our efforts. We have hoped and we have been disappointed. We have persevered and received nothing in return. We have had rags and received no riches. We chose not to hate while you hated on us. We are done. We have given you the opportunity to make good on your promises to us, my dear elite class, and you have not delivered. And so, we will reject your gospel of capitalism. We will reject your idiotic optimism. We will reject your dogma of hope, your toxic positivity. All will be exposed as tools of the elite. Did you really think that no one would ever hold you accountable? Did you really think that your corporate propaganda would keep us at bay? You probably did, and now you will pay for your flawed reasoning and lack of empathy. A hoard of leftists is rising up now, and it will topple your fairy tale world dedicated to the flawed rationale of Adam Smith. A quote from the oft misunderstood, maligned and misquoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. will clue you in on the fate that will befall you in a short time. Listen up oh wealthy ones, "At the very same time that America refused to give the Negro any land, through an act of Congress our government was giving away millions of acres of land in the west and the Midwest. But not only did they give the land, they built land grant colleges with government money to teach them how to farm. Not only that, they provided county agents to further their expertise in farming. Not only that, they provided low interest rates in order that they could mechanize their farm. Not only that, today many of these people are receiving millions of dollars in federal subsidies not to farm, and they are the very people telling the black man that he ought to lift himself by his own bootstraps. Now this is what we are faced with. Now when we come to Washington with this campaign, we are coming to get our check." You hear me rich people? We are coming to get our check, only this time it's not just going to be black people. No, no. You see, you fucked up and pissed off the white man, and the Asian man, and the Mexican man, and the white woman, and the Asian woman, and the Mexican woman too. Yes, you did. And I don't care how much money you throw around; you aren't going to be able to buy yourself out of this colossal fuck up of yours this time. You are doomed elitists. The clock is ticking. The bell is tolling, and it tolls for thee, rich man. Buy all the politicians you like. It's all just a waste of money anyway. We are educated, we are bold, and we are coming to get our check!

Well, we did it. We did it. We finally did it! Oh, come on. You know what I'm talking about. We. Did. It. That's right, we stuck to the man. We totally showed him dude. Johnny Depp is free. He's fucking free man. Alright. Alright! We really fucking did it. Good on us! Stupid pirate hats and cheap rum for everyone for you shall always remember this as the day that you almost caught an incredibly rich celebrity who cares absolutely nothing about you! Well done everyone. Well done. I'm clapping right now for you at this very moment. You did it. You gave Kyle Rittenhouse a reason to sue for defamation of character, and you should be very proud of yourself. Never in my life did I think a person who murdered someone would be able to sue for defamation of character. I underestimated you...or overestimated you...whichever one works. Anyway, the important thing is that you did something. You devoted months, some of you even over a year, to setting a legal precedent that could very well criminalize your right to speak out against abuse, especially when that abuse could or could not have been orchestrated by a person who is rich and famous. I mean, America, just when I think you couldn't possibly get any worse, you always surprise me. There really is no bottom in politics, no place to hide from the spin artists, nowhere to run from the bullshit artistry of the publicity stunt, the three-ring circus, the snake oil salesman. It's always there, waiting for you to slip up so it can shape and mold you as it pleases. But you don't care about legal precedent. I know. Trust me, I know. You care about Crybaby and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Pirates of the Carribean. You care about he Johnny Depp who appears to care about you, even if he really doesn't. And that's fine. I've accepted, over the years, that people want to have their cake and eat it too. You don't just want a flawed human being who struggles with rage just like most people. You want a superhero. You want Captain Jack Sparrow. You want to find neverland. That all makes sense in a very senseless way for that line of thought requires a dulling of the senses, especially those that sense scams. But I'm just talking nonsense of course. There's no way a megastar with millions on the line would ever lie to you. That doesn't happen. No, nothing ever happens in neverland, nothing too bad anyway. Everything is just right in a distorted kind of way. It's difficult to explain, especially if you've never been there. But, guess what? I've found it. That's right! I found neverland, and it had the most peculiar kind of behaviors. At one end of neverland, there is a man who shouts about free speech continuously. "Free Speech!", he shouts. "Free Speech!" But, the crazy thing is, the man yells "free speech" so much that he can barely hear himself talk and he certainly never listens to anyone else. There is also a woman dressed in her pajamas. She munches on candies, and pringles and crunches. She bites of her nails and pulls hair out in bunches. Then she shouts at the TV while she's on her lunches. "Liberal bias!", she shouts. "Conservative bias!", she mouths. No matter what the TV says, she points out a bias, but her bias is so biased she won't even try us. Then, toward the end, there's a man who hates women for hating men. He puffs out his chest and dances like a hen. "I hate all your hatred!", he squawks from his perch. "Damn all your self-love and self-care and self-worth! You're all far too selfish to think of myself first!" Then he nods off while watching Fox News Network. Then, at the end, there are nothing but cops. They mean you no harm until you think a free thought. Then it's off to jail for you to sit and rot. But there'll be no trials or fan mail for you, just a really high bail and no one to screw. And when you ask the cops why you are to blame, they'll tell you, for sure, their names you've defamed. There you will sit wondering how, the anti-woke folks have turned on you now

Earlier today I told a joke about the outdated and downright ridiculous show, America’s Got Talent. Why? Well, apart from the fact that talent shows are the vomit of the entertainment world, the whole idea that Hollywood is interested in any way in helping poor artists “get discovered” whilst being simultaneously located in Los Angeles, one of the most poverty-ridden cities in the nation, is a complete joke. As I have stated in past shows, the vast majority of Hollywood’s many jobs (they could cure poverty in the whole city simply by making it easier for artists to get employed instead of making them compete like dogs by the way) go to people who are already rich. This is not the 1940s. Poor people like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe are not getting work anymore. It’s the spoiled brat children of people who are already famous that are getting “discovered” these days and that’s not a discovery. That’s just some rich person giving their friend or family member even more money than they have already given them. Hollywood does not create jobs. It destroys dreams and even ends up killing many of the people who have those dreams. Hollywood is an embarrassment to the world of entertainment. Do you have any idea how many artists commit suicide every year because they are turned down by this cartoonish monopoly you call Hollywood every year? I don’t know. I searched the internet and nobody cared to look into it. That’s how heartless Hollywood is. They only give a shit about people kill themselves if they are famous. The thought crossed my mind when I was still ill, that was after Hollywood told me to go fuck myself. Yes, I was “discovered”. I was going to be a star in Hollywood. But I got sick and couldn’t finish the one more year of college they required of me to get my acting “fellowship”. Well, it wasn’t much of a “fellowship” was it? I’m still poor and they don’t care. Hell, they laugh at people like me, the poor folk. They think people starving to death on the street is funny. They make fun of it on their stupid shows and their stupid comedy specials. Maybe that’s why Hollywood chose to hurl me into poverty with their fake ass promise of a better life. Maybe they needed material for a new TV show. Anyway, back to my joke. There was some stupid advertisement for America’s Got “Talent” on Twitter and the visual played a video of a woman moving in very odd ways while doing simple tasks like putting on makeup, flossing and sitting in a chair. The crowd was basically climaxing over these boring acts, bursting into an orgiastic applause the likes of which I had never seen before. This looked absolutely ridiculous and it was. It’s ridiculous to cheer for people performing basic tasks. It’s stupid! So I told a joke about it, which I automatically regreted because there is nothing that the fans of cruel assholes on TV love more than to troll normal people who poke fun at them. Someone told me the person was singing while doing this, to which I responded that I was even less impressed than before. That may be surprising to you, but ventriloquism is not that impressive to me, and if you take away the puppet it’s really not impressive. Now it’s just a ventriloquist act without the most interesting part! Anyway, fans of the show are still bothering me on Twitter about it because fans on talent shows literally have no lives of their own to speak of. All of this celebrity gossip is nothing more than a big publicity stunt to sell you crap and, if you find that interesting, that’s your business, but don’t pull me down with you. I don’t have the money left to pay for it because Hollywood already made me lose all my money. Besides, you all should be happy I do what I do. You trash Amber Heard and Will Smith and anyone who dares speak back to your favorite celebrities on a daily basis. I'm just providing a little balance to the world, giving those whom you have silenced a voice. Don't like it? Why should I care? No one cared about me.

As I have stated elsewhere in episodes such as "Why People Follow Tyrants", the human animal is not inherently immoral or moral, but incredibly misunderstood. Humans are animals. They are likely not special beings sent from above to accomplish some task because, if they were, no one seems to have figured out exactly what the task we are supposed to accomplish is. The only thing that separates most humans from other animals like dogs or cats is their superior reasoning skills, which not all humans fully develop by the way. Unfortunately for humans, they also have primitive urges such as the fight or flight instinct or insatiable hunger, which often overpowers those superior reasoning skills and turns them into apelike creatures fighting over where to hold a ceremony or how to interpret an ancient piece of paper. That does not mean that humans are dumb; it is just a basic recognition of the fact that we display animalistic behavior. That should be enough for people, if they were purely reasonable. But that is never enough for anyone. There always has to be some deeper meaning to something for most people. It's not just junk that we can't see in the sky with our pretty inaccurately designed eyes. No, it is an unidentified flying object. Sorry, but that's just a complicated way of saying, "shit we can't see". And don't even get me started on the concept of destiny. It's not just that Sally forgot to open the refrigerator because she has a poor diet and is likely slipping into dementia. No, god works in "mysterious ways". This fantasizing about higher powers or deeper meanings never stops. Right now on social media platforms everywhere someone is claiming that Paul McCartney died in the 1960s, that Princess Dianna never died and lives on today as Elton John's husband, that George W. Bush planned 9/11, that JFK is coming back someday, that Donald Trump won the 2022 election, that Joe Biden is in a state of "mental decline" (whatever that means), that the book of Revelation in the bible is coming true...again, etc. Like I said, there is no end to this lunacy. People just seem to want more out of life. But why? Think back to the fact that animals, especially social animals, tend to gravitate toward packs. As humans we think the word "pack" is dirty. So, we call our packs other things: political parties, cults, religions, groups, organizations, businesses, families, social groups, etc. And, for all our sophistication and moral protestation, our respective packs fight with each other on a daily basis. If you don't believe me, head on over to Twitter and find yourself some Johnny Depp, who I now call white OJ, supporters, and watch as they slug it with the Amber Heard supporters over which one of them has the best points. You will witness exactly the same kind of pack behavior you see in the animal kingdom when a gang of leopards decides to go to war with a lion pride over a piece of old meat. Leopards even make a habit of attacking lion cubs, forcing the lions to defend themselves. There's no reason for this behavior. Leopards have teeth; they can get their own meat. They also have kids of their own. So why attack the lion pride? Well because they are aggressive animals. That is what aggression does to you; it makes you unreasonable. It makes you do things for no good reason. That is why I don't waste time with debating morality. I don't want to be like some dumb leopard trolling a lion pride for a piece of zebra. I have better things to do, like trying to maintain my reasoning skills. It's a jungle out there, an insane orgy of warring tribes and factions with a bunch of disease mixed in for good measure. This is the human experience, and I want no part of it, apart from the cool music and good times of course. But the moralists don't want you to have a good time. That is too base for them. They want to yell at you like an ape grunting a baboon over a banana. Be my guest moralists, but you're not convincing me of anything. 

If you talk to any American alive today about the Civil War, you get one of two versions. The first is that white American freed the slaves because they woke up one day and were like, "Oopsie poopsies. We made a big mistake. Let's go give the black people ice cream and hugs to make up for it." The second version goes something like, "well, slavery really wasn't all that bad. It was just indentured servitude like the bible says. In fact, many slaves loved their masters and many black people are worse off today than they would've been back then." But neither of these are correct and they are both insulting. This is not how slavery ended. As I have stated in painstaking detail in the past, including in my episode "How Black American Slaves Freed Themselves", white people had very little to do with freeing slaves. That is not to say that white abolitionists did not exist. They did, but, just as there are very few white people today who take black people seriously, they were always in the minority. There would have been no white abolitionists were it not for the work of black slaves. Black slaves frequently rioted, destroyed crops, attacked their masters, and even killed those who enslaved them. This became a huge problem for the production of things like cotton and tabaco and other goods. It started to make less sense economically to own slaves. If your workers are sabotaging your production efforts, you lose money. So, really what occurred is that black American slaves hit white people where it mattered most, their wallets. This is how we obtained our freedom, through open and secret rebellion against the system. Then came John Brown, a white Christian man so morally opposed to slavery that he actually declared a war on the institution and used force to free slaves. The South then made the dumbest move possible and executed John Brown for killing slave masters, who also made a habit of killing their slaves by the way. The North was outraged by this. Killing a white Christian preacher for using the Biblical principle "an eye for an eye"? That was unacceptable, even for the most racist Northerner, of which there were many. Then the abolitionist Julia Ward Howard wrote the openly militant song "John Brown's Body" for the purpose of rallying the North to squash the confederacy once and for all. This is a far cry from the complete idiot's guide to the civil war that teachers across the nation are allowed to teach. So, why don't they just tell the real history? Is it because of southern objection? Well, that's part of it. The south certainly does not want people knowing that their ancestors raped, beat and killed my ancestor, but that's only part of the story. You see, moderate politics were just as possible in the 1960s, during the centennial of the Civil War, as they are today. Moderates during the Centennial did not want to be too "divisive". Yes, they used that word. They wanted to pass the Civil War off as some delightful sporting event between two reasonable parties, not the all out brawl for human rights that it really was. This backfired on the moderates of the 1960s just as it is backfiring on the moderates of the day, who would rather you bullshit online about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock, than deal with the fact that white supremacy is running rampant. The South denied a black representative the right to attend a meeting for the centennial committee. John F. Kennedy tried to move the meeting to a non-segregated area, but the south still refused. The south seceded from the committee. Kennedy was outraged, and likely a bit embarrassed. So, he said to hell with the south and became a huge proponent of Civil Rights in America. A few years later, while George Wallace declared "segregation forever", Martin Luther King Jr. gave a speech on voting rights. He did not quote the bible at the end of his speech, but the "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", the song that union soldiers sang. The second Civil War had begun.  

Forgiveness is addictive. There, I said it and I don't feel bad about it. That used to be so wild to me, the notion that anyone would criticize the idea of forgiveness. Unlike many, I wasn't indoctrinated very heavily with the value system that we call Christianity. It was really never talked about in our home. The closest thing my family had to church was gathering around the table to eat dinner and watch Seinfeld, which was my Dad's favorite TV show after Cheers was taken off the air. I vaguely remember my mother talking to me about forgiveness, but only rarely. Besides, right after that she would go on some tirade about Bush Jr. and how much of a moron he was. So, I never really even took her that seriously. But, years later, as I became heavily indoctrinated in the Christian faith by various fundamentalist Christian You Tube videos, forgiveness became extremely important to me. Forgiveness is a big deal in Christianity. You always have to be willing to take in those who are in need. You don't ever really do it that much because you're scared someone might kill your or something. But I did actually help people when I was a Christian, mostly through direct food donations. I fed several of my LGBTQIA castmates willingly even though I had just been watching a sermon about how they were possessed by demons. They never were, but that's what I believed. I thought that, by showing kindness and forgiving the sinner, that they would become a member of my faith, and that, when that happened, I would grow even closer to Jesus. Then maybe, finally, he would make my epilepsy go away so I could be healthy and happy like other Christians I knew. Unfortunately for me, and luckily for my LGBTQIA friends, that never happened. I was never healed or "made whole" as I believe the bible refers to it. No demon was cast out of me because there never was demon inside of me. I have epilepsy. That's a part of who I am. But I refused to accept that back then. I believed in miracles. So, I stopped taking my medication and kept doing these good deeds to try to win god's favor, to get him to notice me. I really believed that would work. Now, of course, it all seems silly, even a bit suicidal, and maybe it was. Maybe the very concept of forgiveness is a bit suicidal. I've done the research on this. Nations that worship an all "forgiving" god have the highest crime rates in the entire world, even higher than nations who worship an unforgiving god, and that's after taking into considerations things like economic hardship. Now, I'm not saying that the punishments we have developed work either. I still support defund the police for example. I know The Young Turks and Tucker Carlson alike told you to shit on me for believing that we can do more with less police, but the recent murder of an elderly woman with dementia by a New Mexico police officer should put that fear to rest. I don't think the answer is more punishment. We need to become more gentle, but we can be gentle in mental health facilities or rehab centers or even prisons. Unlike most people who talk about defund the police, I have ideas to replace them. Firefighters being deployed for non-violent mental health crises works, for example. I've seen it in action and they are far more likely to use non-violent persuasion than the police. You could also follow the German model, and make prison a nice place. It does not have to be a dystopian rape cage. It could be a place where people go to get job training. You could have mentors working there. You could teach criminals the skills they need to have careers. So this episode is not about throwing the police at every little problem either. It is about valuing life and admitting that we have made mistakes that we can rectify. Today I am a huge advocate for my LGBTQIA friends because I owe it to them. But I also owe it to everyone to make sure that they do not end up harmed by this reckless ideology that says to forgive and forget the ills of the past

What's that in the sky? It's a bird. It's a plane. It's an extremely annoying wealthy comedian complaining about people not liking their act! And next to them, why, it's the Monopoly Man! His powers include price gouging, polluting the environment and making pennies in the hands of poor people magically vanish into thin air! The penguin suited douchebags bringing up the rear are the Fundamentalist Brothers of the Supreme Kangaroo Court. They make a mockery of the Constitution and ruin democracy everywhere for everyone at lightning speed! They do have one odd weakness though: women with sidewalk chalk. Yeah, I don't know. Don't ask. And, wait...Could it be? It is! It's, it's, it's...the Conspiracy Theorist. The Conspiracy Theorist trolls the internet at lightning speed, protecting the world from imaginary demons, lizard people and Joe Biden. But nothing compares to the Orange Turd, a former president who has the power of complete ignorance. When these conservative justice warriors combine their powers they become The Conservative Justice League! That's right, it's the Conservative Justice League, and they are here to save you from your own thoughts and opinions! Alright, enough with the cute intros. Let's get down to annoying ass conservative business. In my days as an up and coming political theorist and satirist and San Jose State University I would often come across articles about the military industrial complex, which still exist today in many forms, especially when you consider that Raytheon basically tells presidents when to start wars now. But this is for another episode. In this episode I will be talking about a new kind of complex, one that has steadily gained power over the years and that very few people realize exists. I am referring to the entertainment political complex. I know, I know. In your mind, there is no way that an organization like Hollywood would ever be conservative. But you fail to remember that, although Hollywood often shows "sinful" actions in their films (the very idea that you are thinking of actions in terms of being sinful or not already proves my point by the way), they also end every film with the same basic religious principles: forgiveness, redemption, bowing down before a harsh god, and good prevailing over evil. These religious themes, which can be found in every movie, documentary, television show, and standup comedy act produced by Hollywood today, has laid the framework for the coming American theocracy. These entertainers (Dave Chapelle, Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Cruise, Steve Harvey, and the rest) have spent decades indoctrinating you with conservative Christian values. I am not saying that they made a conscious choice to do so. They have no choice. This was the plan from the beginning because, you see, corporations own Hollywood now. When you put up money for a movie, you basically own the right to change the script as you see fit. That means that certain ideas are taken out, while others are added to the script. Corporations are inherently political. They seek to turn the populous into mindless, scared little children, kind of like the Bible. This makes you more likely to consume, to buy, to give even more money to them. Every movie is an advertisement, not just for coke or Ikea, but for political policy. Dystopian fantasies, for example, often inform you that the world is ending, just like Revelation in the Bible. This causes consumers to panic buy. Crime films always portray cops in a positive light; this is done to get you accept police brutality, which protects companies from unions and protests. Cartoons teach you to always be positive, even if you are starving to death. This constant positivity makes you shut up when you need help from your government. Standup comedy is used to shame minorities, to make them feel bad about demanding equality. Romantic comedies portray women as simple-minded sex demons, which is done to deny women their rights. You still lauhghing? 

Who influences the influencers? It's a question that rarely anybody asks, which is already a bit suspicious. In an age where we know more about our world than ever, whenever I see an unanswered question, I am always left wondering who benefits from the question remaining unanswered. Sure, there is not always an answer there, but preparing for the worst often leads to the best outcomes. I have a political mind. I never take things at face value, mostly because all of the information lies beneath the face. Humans speak in metaphors and legalities. They say what will please the most people, and do not say what will displease the most people. Even if you are "apolitical" you are still a politician to me. I do not want to hear proclamations of abstract concepts like "peace" or "love" or "freedom" from the politicized human psyche, and so I cut to the core. It does not take much investigating to find where influencers make their money. Up until recently I was under the impression that social media influencers were owned by corporations. There is ample evidence that this is quite true. Major corporations drop millions of dollars a year on marketing and the small pittance they dole out to social media influencers is only a very small part of that budget. However, I now have evidence that politicians are also funding social media influencers. Good thing you don't follow anyone famous, right? Not so fast. Micro-influencers, social media influencers with 25,000 followers or less, are now being used by companies and politicians alike. While some politicians disclose that they are using social media influencers, there is no law that requires such a disclosure. That means you are more than likely following an influencer who is under the influence of any number of party candidates up for election this year and any other year there is an election. In case you are wondering, this does not seem to be something that just the right is doing. On the right, several micro-influencers have been caught spreading lies about the election being "rigged", which also just happens to be the opinion of Trump and his followers. On the left, micro-influencers involved in the "healthy lifestyle" have been caught promoting information on climate change. This poses several difficult questions that virtually no one is asking. Is it ethical to use propaganda to further what you consider to be a "good cause"? Is manipulating people fine as long as doing so improves society in some way? Lying is not protected by the first amendment, so is deceptive marketing lying? Is the right to manipulate protected by law? Are your opinions your own or were they given to you by "alternative news sources"? I will tell you right now that it is difficult to think for yourself when your thoughts are not your own. This age of "free thinkers" is not what it seems. Everyone is manipulating, scheming, plotting to alter your worldview, to replace it with their own. Can you think freely in such a world? I think so, but it takes much more than the average person is willing to give. It takes skepticism, but it also requires a lighthearted cynicism as well. One must realize that you cannot assume the best of people in such a world in order to remain untainted with the propagandistic filth of partisans and snake oil salesmen. People who seek to control your minds are not your friends. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships know, more than anyone, that the abuser always seeks to infiltrate and change the mind. This is abuse. You are being abused when people secretly try to change your mind, whether it be for "your own good" or not be damned. It is important to remain distant from those who provide simplistic answers to difficult questions. Thinking for oneself is a human right. Nothing can change this. We must fight for our right to think freely. It is not the place of the government or big business to control thoughts. Liberate your mind and you have won. 

American democracy is no longer dying...it’s dead. That’s right, I said it. I don’t really care how you feel about it. It’s over folks. How do I know? This morning, whilst I was on Twitter mocking the positive thinking gurus for their positively charged ignorance, I came across a video of members of the FDNY standing outside of a church. A group of pro-abortion protestors passed by the house of worship shouting, “my body, my choice”. One of the FDNY, a male Trump supporter of course, then replied, “You have no choice! The Supreme Court ruled that you have no choice! It’s not your body! It’s my body! The Supreme Court said so!” That type of behavior has nothing to do with democratic values and the word should no longer be allowed when describing American government. But that, of course, will not bother conservatives. Conservatives believe that we should return to a more traditional time, the time when women were unpaid house servants and there were plenty of jobs available for men. This is the endgame of all of this. It is estimated that, were they to become pregnant today, about 25% of women would not be able to keep their jobs. This is because these women’s employers only offer about ten days of paid leave for pregnancy before they show you the door. Many women are not able to return to work after ten days for various reasons (post-partem depression, no childcare, no next of kin to watch the infant, etc.) But conservatives do not want a world where women are allowed to work and support themselves; they want a world where women are punished for having a night of fun. God forbid any American woman enjoy herself without the express consent of some dumb fuck with chewing tobacco running down his fat gullet living in Alabama. That just ain’t Christian. And please spare me the, “I’m a conservative and I think women should have a right to choose” speech. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe because, if you really did believe in a woman’s right to choose, you would not continue to vote for candidates who are hostile to women’s choice. So, stop trying to pretend to be fair and balance or reasonable or whatever Tucker Carlson told you to say. I am not impressed, nor am I as dumb as some of your liberal friends who actually buy your bullshit that you’re on their side.  And spare me the “state’s rights” speech as well. The last time people blathered on about “state’s rights” in America a Civil War started. But I don’t even have to look to that example. I can simply point to the fact that Mitch McConnell has now stated that a federal abortion ban would be totally acceptable. A federal ban would mean that all states, including California and New York, would not be able to legally provide abortion services for women. Oh, and how about the anti-contraception bills that are now being drawn up all over the south? One state has already outlawed some forms of contraception. But that’s a coincidence right? You’re not that kind of conservative. You're not that kind of Christian. Bullshit. Yes, you are. You’re a member of a party that took away people’s rights. You go to a church with people who promote these policies. You’re no better than they are. In fact, you’re worse because you won’t even admit that you are part of the problem. You are like an enabler of a drug addict who says, “I’m just going to bring the needle over and place it on the table for safe keeping. Now, don’t you go using on me. Be responsible. Play nice.” But you're not playing nice conservatives, and neither are the Christians, and neither am I, not anymore. This era of kind political debate is over. I see who you are. I know that, secretly, you do want women barefoot and pregnant. You get off on it, being able to say that you're better than other people, that you're a good boy or girl who takes precautions. Well, pretty soon the Supreme Court will come for you too. Perhaps your brand of religion, or lack thereof, will be too "liberal" or "radical". You're next

I rarely discuss human sexuality anymore these days, mostly because many people I meet, for all of their pontification of sexual liberation, are pretty grossed out about it. In America there are essentially two versions of every argument; both of them argue that the world will end if we are not boring. The same can be said of human sexuality. Right wing Americans view sex as an affrontery to religious doctrine. This is why you will find conservatives across every social media network discussing how sex and all of its incarnations have ruined the modern world. In the conservative mind, it is not obesity or poor diet or the rise in chronic illness that is the cause of the rise of infertility and erectile dysfunction in men. They argue that sex itself or pornography causes these things, which will ultimately lead to the extinction of the human species as a whole. They have no evidence for this, but they argue it nonetheless. Simply increasing the amount of physical activity in public schools and the workplace, along with removing fast food from schools and places of business would easily solve these problems. “Left” wing America (there is no real left wing in America; it is just a coalition of centrists and apathetic people who like Noam Chomsky) is a bit more nuanced. Their argument is that sex is bad because it leads to “immoral” actions like marriage and having children, which, in their minds, will cause people to create excess waste that will destroy the planet. The moderates also have very little evidence for their claims. While it is true that human caused climate change is real, most climate activists fail to realize that corporations create the most waste, not little Timmy and Tanya, nor the married couple that lives down the street that these people obsess over for some reason. If you simply limited these corporations’ ability to create excess waste, then climate change would become a thing of the past. Neither side has a positive view of the sex, proving that America, for all of its differences, is nothing more than a theocracy. Theocracy, the rule of people by a class of priests, also seeks to control human sexuality as both the conservative and moderate wings of the American political system seeks to do. This is no coincidence. The control of sexuality is necessary if one wishes to control massive groups of people. In order to control the masses, one must keep them in a constant state of stress, fear and crippling anxiety. Sexual expression between consenting adults relieves stress and anxiety, thus making life more tolerable and less horrifying to people. This is why the theocrats (moderates and conservatives are the priests of American theocracy; people like Mitt Romney and Joe Manchin are perfect examples) so desperately want to take your pornography away from you. It is also why they oppose your right to express who you choose and to be with, marry and procreate with who you choose. Anyone who tells you that procreation or marriage or homosexuality or transgenderism are somehow wrong or bad are all part of this theocratic mindset, even if they may not realize or intend it. There is nothing wrong with sexual expression as long as there is consent from the individuals involved and as long as the individuals involved are of age. But America is a boring and gossipy nation, so Americans are always trying to create problems with human sexuality where there are none. I do not think this will ever change in America because it has always been a sexually stunted nation from the get go. So, expect further legislation protecting you from having a good time in the bedroom. It’s kind of what we do here. Oh, and be sure to rinse your eyes out with chlorine after reading this. Some jerkoff on Christian Twitter told me STDs can be transmitted visually and you never can be too careful. Say a prayer to exercise the masturbation demons and try to only date inanimate objects to protect the environment from utter destruction.