Recorded January 18, 2024

Quite frankly, I don’t care is someone doesn’t have empathy, just be honest, don’t play stupid games, and handle your responsibilities. We have children. I wasn’t trying to have a relationship. I was trying to provide for our family.

We all interact with narcissists, and most of the time it’s not a problem but he would actively destroy anything I created, UNLESS he was at the center. I never launched the business in this episode.

Recorded October 12, 2023

Our vibe or energy is contagious. We become what we are around or we become very self-aware and learn to play the game.

We travel the spiritual journey alone. In the aloneness, we find ourselves. Narcissists find a void. Both are on an internal spiritual journey, but only one can see a world or people outside themselves. 

If you deeply care about people, spaces, and injustice, you are not a narcissist, even if you haven’t been able to recently show that you care because you’ve been in survival. They have a tendency to sabotage your life so that you are always in survival and can only focus on yourself and your family, and you still feel like you’re drowning.

Two weeks after this recording, I closed the doors to my business, The Soul Crew. I felt like there was another narcissist behind every mask. I went to the wilderness alone.

Recorded September 20, 2023

OMG. JUST ASK A FCKING QUESTION. This cycle is so painful. He would express care and ask questions, to get me to open up. Then, at my most vulnerable moment, he attacks. He has read dozens of books on communication and self-help but only got worse.

*My understanding of narcissism in this recording is not correct.

Narcissists have two types of desires, goals, or supply. In the first phase, they seek validation and admiration. In the second phase, they seek sadistic supply. Because he wasn't getting narcissistic supply from me, he switched to sadistic supply, my frustration.

Recorded September 18, 2023

I don’t even remember what happened. I’ve had this conversation too many times. It’s stupid. Yeah, I said it.

Recorded September 16, 2023

Yuck, I’m playing the game. Too careful. Mother. Too patient. Teacher. A month prior, my oldest daughter and I were stopped in traffic and rear ended at a fairly high speed. We were very fortunate to not have major injuries however the doctor appointments were a full time job for about three months and the settlement took over a year to finalize. Being injured meant I was completely dependent on his financial support.

I despise having to play the game and yet after the charade he would kinda do what needed to be done. Always thinking of new ways to say the same exact thing. Oddly enough, his woodworking clients are almost always happy with his work once it’s over… it’s the process that’s so challenging. We got some of the musical equipment on the list but he didn’t talk to the kids or play music after this conversation.

Fear is such a weird emotion. The more we fear something the more likely it is to happen… ironic.

Myself and all five children are skilled carpenters. One by one each one of us have refused to work with him. It was our children that continuously warned me that something was going wrong, I listened and did the research.

Recorded August 30, 2023

My existence is evidence of the irony of faith; a knowing that surpasses understanding. From my earliest memories, I’ve known God. In many regards, my faith has made me fearless, which makes me a magnet for sinister delight.

Discernment is the ability to judge well, but society has taught us not to judge. For women this belief is deadly. Being fearless without discernment is a disaster, and some decisions have life altering consequences, like having children or criminal records. Regardless of the cause, we live with the effect of our decisions, long after we have learned the lessons, healed, and moved forward with our lives.

In this recorded conversation, my lack of discernment is we’ve had variations of this conversation hundreds of times over the course of TWENTY YEARS. The entire conversation is just using me for supply, sucking my energy, or nonsense conversation… And it won’t be the last time.

Recorded August 15, 2023

Over the years, he has been to so many specialists trying to figure out what’s happening with his brain, memory, and comprehension. Brain scans, chiropractors, allergy specialists, a few random therapists, no one had answers. The accidents, misunderstandings, lost money and other important items, and mistakes were so common, I couldn’t clean up messes fast enough. Not a month would go by without a major incident… for years.

Recorded September 7, 2021

We had been through so much together, my mother’s death, the anti-trafficking movement, our son’s life-threatening illness, and a hurricane. We clung to each other and had survived the darkness, but when things were slightly more stable… he leaves. I felt like it was my fault. I brought up my pain too much, but the pain never stopped. I was relieved he was leaving, yet the responsibility of parenting and paying bills was more than I could handle alone.

From October 2021 to August 2023, we lived separately but were neighbors and he worked on my property. The children and I focused on healing our relationships and selves. It was chaotic and difficult with few resources, he was always lurking, seemingly happy, and hurting himself at work. Suddenly earning income, August 2023, he provided a large home with enough space for our entire family.

Recorded August 7, 2021

He created opportunities to hurt me deeply; spending weeks or months, bringing me flowers, and writing love notes. He never really wanted sex, but almost always sexual. In 19 years, neither of us cheated. I thought that was a good thing, but I now realize it was a sign of a much bigger issue. When I would share something with him or be vulnerable, he would use that as an opportunity to hurt me even deeper. This conversation is about that cycle.