In this, the penultimate episode of Series 9, I talk to UKCP accredited psychotherapist Lisa Bruton who is also a guest tutor at the University of Oxford. We talk about the Parentified Child. Which is? A child who has been given too much responsibility - either physical or emotional - too young. The impact of this is interesting. Do you often find yourself being the most responsible person in the room? Do people look to you for advice (ahem) and guidance? It may be because you are used to performing this role, from way too young. Parentified children can grow up to be exhausted adults. Who looks after them? And why the phrase "my child is my best friend" gives Bruton and I pause.

In this episode we look at what exactly being a parentified child looks and feels like, from both the child and adult’s POV. What you can do if you recognise yourself as one and how to avoid doing that to your own children. 

More about Lisa here: 

https://www.lisabruton.com

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Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

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In this episode, an idea suggested by my conversationalist, clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, we explore the big, painful emotion of loss.

We tend to body swerve feeling or thinking about loss, and who can blame us? It hurts, it’s horrible. But loss is essential to growth - think of a snake shedding its skin. In order to go onto the next stage we need to leave the one we’re at.

But there’s normal loss such as leaving school or a job, and traumatic loss where everything comes at once, like an unexpected or early death or devastating news. This takes far longer to process. Note: process not get over.

The loss I’ve noticed most people don’t want to talk about is death, dying, illness and the accompanying grief and yet, as Dr B tells us, if it’s managed ‘well’ post traumatic growth can be rich. 

But where would loss be without hope? There has to be hope to make loss’s losses easier to bear. Have a listen and be kind to yourself if you find this tough.

If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. Plus subscriber exclusive newsletters.

You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

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Increasingly I get asked this question a lot in my Guardian column. Not from a financial POV but the 'should I retire and what will life be like afterwards?' question.

Welcome to episode 3 in this series. It's all about a word that has rather negative associations- retirement - but after listening to this hopefully you'll look at it differently.

Once upon a time when we retired was dictated by our work place and/or pensions. Or people were so exhausted by their physically demanding jobs they were totally spent by the time they got to 55. But things have changed. The state pension age has shifted upwards in the UK and for more people it's now a choice.

Work can define many of us, so what happens when work stops? Chris Mills, a regular conversationalist and guest in my Guardian column, casts a beautiful new light on what retirement might look like and why we might consider it. Lots to think about here even if you're nowhere near retirement age. I hope you enjoy it!

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Welcome to episode 2 of Series 9 (Series 9 will be released sporadically). Should We Move?

This has always been a question I've been asked a lot via my Guardian column (and in real life) but after the pandemic it was a question that reached, dare I say it, epidemic proportions. It's a simple enough question but the reasoning behind it can really tell us a lot about ourselves. Many people move to get away from problems, not realising that the problems go with them. This is why a few well aimed questions are worth asking of yourself before you move.

There are some very boring things to consider, too which we run through in this episode. Look out for anything that makes you feel defensive, either in this episode or when people mention certain things to you - those are the very issues you should be digging down into. I've known people who've maxed out their London homes to stretch themselves to buy a huge country pile - with no financial buffer. People who've moved to the middle of nowhere even though they can't drive. Or not considering schools/transport links/hospitals. These are the things that can make or break a successful move. I

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If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a patron on Patreon, from just £3 a month. You also get early access to episodes. For £5 a month you get them as soon as they are produced: https://www.patreon.com/c/annalisabarbieri

You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

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I'd been wanting to do this podcast for a while. Professor Alessandra Lemma is one of the most experienced, and insightful, specialists I work with. Every word she shares is a gem. But Pr Lemma's diary is packed and so this took a while to organise. I hope you think it was worth it.

The idea for this episode - the first in Series 9 - came to me last year but in reality, it had probably been bubbling away for some years. Alessandra and I were working on a problem for my Guardian column. The problem was from a reader who said that, despite them being an adult, they were still being body shamed by their parents for being overweight, this is sadly by no means an unusual problem to arrive on my desk. In our chat Alessandra said a line which stayed with me all of last year. It was this: you can’t delete developmental history it is always there even if you change the surface of the body. 

From this we went off topic a little, as my chats with my specialists sometimes, to talk about how - with some caveats - people who modified their bodies through things like cosmetic or plastic surgery, often didn’t feel happier because whatever developmental history that had led them to be unhappy with themselves, lay within then and beyond the reach of any sort of body modification. 

It got me thinking about how our body image is arrived at. Do we make it, or do others shape it? Why are so many people unhappy with they way they look? In this episode we look at how our body image is formed, who shapes it and how we can try to change our internal dialogue about it. A very useful listen, also, if you are a parent as we often help shape what our children feel about their bodies.

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If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a patron on Patreon, from just £3 a month. You also get early access to episodes. For £5 a month you get them as soon as they are produced: https://www.patreon.com/c/annalisabarbieri

You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

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This is the last episode, episode six, in Series 8 and in it I talk to UKCP registered family and systemic psychotherapist and John Cavanagh who is also a registered mental health nurse. John specialises in child and adolescent mental health.

Often children will manifest with a mental health problem that is indicative of what's going on in the family. We talk about this, what those problems might look like, why it's important to treat children as part of the family unit. John also talks us through the CAMHS system which I know some people find very difficult to navigate.

We also talk about common adolescent and child problems and how to manage them if your child comes to you with them.

Useful links we talk about in the podcast:

YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds

Information for 11-18 year olds on understanding CAMHS - Mind

Stay Alive App: 'a suicide prevention app for the UK, packed full of resources, useful information, and tools to help you stay safe or help someone else'.

StayAlive - Essential suicide prevention for everyday life

CalmHarm (https://calmharm.co.uk/)

DistrACT (https://www.expertselfcare.com/health-apps/distract/)

NHS England » NHS Mental Health Apps Library to increase access to psychological therapies and help to improve mental health outcomes

www.psychotherapy.org.uk (Registered psychotherapists search by specialism or area)

www.aft.org.uk

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Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

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Very early on in my career as The Guardian's Agony Aunt the letters started coming in about family estrangements - the "should I cut X out of my life" style questions. Back then, cutting a family member out was anathema to me but over the years, i came to understand why some people sought it out. The thing is, cutting someone out is rarely the end of the problem. Sometimes it's only the beginning.

In this episode I talk to long-time conversationalist psychotherapist Chris Mills about why some situations become so bad that estrangement seems like the only answer - indeed is it the only answer? What it can mean and how to try to build bridges after an estrangement (maybe one not of your making) if that's what feels right.

If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

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Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

IG: @annalisabarbieri

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What is attachment and how does attachment theory different from the primary real-life attachment we learnt as babies? The two often get confused. In this episode I talk to child, adolescent and adult psychotherapist Dr Graham Music who has been described as "one of the most deep thinking child psychotherapists in the world."

We talk about these differences, plus the concept of attachment which is how secure we feel with our primary care given and how our needs were met, and the impact that can have on our later life. Attachment is at the core of every letter I get, ergo every problem I think we come across in our daily lives. How we relate to others can very often lead back to our early attachment figures.

Dr Graham Music is registered with the Association of Child Psychotherapists and the UKCP. He is also the author of some amazing books such as Respark, Nurturing Natures and Nurturing children. We talked together in Series 4 on How to Motivate Your Child.

You can find out more about Graham from his website: https://nurturingnatures.co.uk/

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If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a patron on Patreon, from just £3 a month. You also get early access to episodes. For £5 a month you get them as soon as they are produced.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

IG: @annalisabarbieri

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Forensic psychotherapy is psychotherapy with people who have committed criminal offences. In this episode I talk with clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal who is registered with the British Psychoanalytic Council and has over thirty years experience in treating people. Stephen started his professional life as a clinical psychologist in a secure unit with offenders. Stephen has also written a couple of books on forensic psychotherapy, the latest of which is called Assessing Risk, a Relationship Approach.

I was in conversation with Stephen in Series 7, talking about shame, which would make a good companion listen to this one.

In this episode we talk about what forensic psychotherapy is, what it can tell us about the person committing the crimes, as well as society in general and why talking groups, such as the one Stephen presides over, can radically diminish re-offending. All crime has a meaning. This would make a particularly interesting listen to those who are fascinated by true crime podcasts.

If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a patron on Patreon, from just £3 a month. You also get early access to episodes. For £5 a month you get them as soon as they are produced.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

IG: @annalisabarbieri

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Did you know that procrastination, risky behaviour, blaming others and even infidelity may be a sign of self-sabotage? There are a host of other symptoms, too. In this, episode 2 or Series 8, I discuss with psychotherapist Ryan Bennett-Clarke why we might self sabotage, what it tells us about ourselves and of course, what we can do about it.

If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri

If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a patron on Patreon, from just £3 a month. You also get early access to episodes. For £5 a month you get them as soon as they are produced.

Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham.

IG: @annalisabarbieri

Links to further work: linktr.ee/annalisabarbieri

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri.

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