Conversations with Cinthia

Today Cinthia continues a topic she started earlier in the month: how to know whether someone loves you.  Relationships are complicated, whether they are romantic relationships, friendships, or family ones.  When we are most vulnerable, sometimes the wrong things get exaggerated, and the things that are true get minimized.  So how do we know when someone loves us – or, at least, how to know when someone loves us in a way we can trust? 

People are imperfect.  A person who loves you in a healthy way can humble himself or herself when wrong, ask for forgiveness, and accept forgiveness.  That person can also forgive you quickly, though he or she may need time to heal; needing to rebuild trust over time is not the same as denying forgiveness.  A person who loves you with a healthy love will be committed to getting over your wrongs as quickly as possible, but acknowledging the depth of the wound and the time it takes to heal is part of what makes healing happen.  Continuing to heal is necessary, but keeping a record of wrongs for the sake of power over another person or out of bitterness is a different thing. 

If you are the one who has been harmed and the person who loves you is giving you time to heal, it can help to express appreciation for this.  Do not say you are fine and pretend to be over it when you are not, but don’t over-complicate the transgression, either.  It is ok to be where you are and let the healing process happen.  Secretly nursing wounds, ruminating, etc., does not further your healing process; healthy grieving does.  Healthy love is honest and merciful at the same time, and it does not take humanness personally.  Similarly, when someone forgives you, appreciate it and do not overcomplicate it in return, getting more stuck on your offense than the other person is.  It is not the offended person’s job to help you get over yourself.

A person who loves you is courteous, polite, and gracious to you and not only to others.  A person who loves you will honor what you need, even if he or she does not understand it.  It may be inconvenient or uncomfortable, but the person will care about what you need because he or she cares about you.  When someone shows this care, it is appropriate to express appreciation. 

Today Cinthia conducted two interviews with individuals who work in areas significant to events happening in the world.  First, she talked with Kelsey Pritchard, who is the director of state public affairs for SBA Pro-Life America; she was previously the communications director for former South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard and has also worked in the private sector.  Pritchard talked about the significance of the Dobbs decision and the way society has shifted in its thoughts about abortion since Roe v. Wade.  She discussed the way the narrative has altered with deceptive language and misinformation so that a woman with an unplanned pregnancy may easily find herself thinking that abortion is her only real option.  She also discussed studies by the Charlotte Lozier Institute that have looked at the impact of abortions on the women who have them, as well as the reasons they report having had those abortions in the first place; Pritchard stated that about two-thirds indicate they did not really want the abortions they got but that they felt some kind of pressure, either from people in their lives (e.g., partners, family members, etc.) or from financial constraints. 

Cinthia and Pritchard noted that, while it makes sense to be outraged at the searing of our societal conscience so that we are now discussing abortion as something women need for their health and freedom, this should not translate into shaming individuals who have had abortions.  Cinthia discussed working with clients who have been deeply wounded by their decisions to have abortions and the realization some of them experienced later that resources existed but that they had been too embarrassed to ask.  She also noted that, when a person already feels shame, that person becomes more vulnerable to coercion.  Cinthia also discussed her own adoption and the gratefulness she feels to her birthmother, despite having never been able to meet her.  She has learned that her birthmother, who is now deceased, hid the pregnancy with Cinthia from her family; Cinthia admires her birthmother for having done whatever was necessary to have allowed Cinthia’s life to happen, placing her for adoption instead of aborting her in one way or another.  Cinthia also noted that God is not thwarted by abortion and does not abandon His creation, even when that creation is killed, that He “still has a plan for the aborted baby.”   He has been dealing with the choices of sinful human beings for a long time and still makes everything beautiful in His time.

Pritchard encouraged listeners to vote well and to engage in truthful conversation about ballot measures, etc.  She reported that this election year involves both national attempts to secure abortion on demand and deceptively-worded ballot measures in six states that seek to sound like they ensure necessary and reasonable health care for women.  One ad even stated that women would die without a particular ballot measure, although, in fact, every state with pro-life laws already has exceptions for emergency care for the mother.  There is no state in which women’s lives are endangered by lack of access to abortion.  In some states, abortion advocates are targeting babies with disabilities, insisting that mothers should be able to abort their children if they receive prenatal diagnoses they consider too limiting for the child; aside from the fact that disabilities do not remove the possibility of life and happiness for children (or their families), the frequency with which these diagnoses are wrong is a huge concern.

Pritchard discussed the many pregnancy support centers around the country as the “backbone,” as well as the “hands and feet” of the pro-life movement, providing women in crisis situations with housing, resources, money, emotional support, and more.  She encouraged listeners to support and become involved with these centers, and Cinthia encouraged praying for them as they fight on the front lines for women and their families.  She called the battle for the unborn “the human rights struggle of our time” and stated that it will continue to be a battle for a long time.  Cinthia also encouraged praying about getting involved, asking what God wants you to do, and not being afraid of people.

Next, Cinthia spoke with Dr. Mitch Glasser, the current leader of Chosen People Ministries.  Glasser is a Jewish believer in Jesus.  Though He grew up in Orthodox Judaism, attended Hebrew school, and received his Bar Mitzvah, Glasser went on to become involved in drug use.  When some of his friends became involved in the Jesus Movement, he felt angry and protective and went to attempt to help them get away from what he thought to be a very negative influence.  He eventually encountered and recognized the Presence of God during a prayer before a meal with this group, which confused him, and he asked God to show him the truth.  He then found a New Testament in a phone booth in the redwood forest where a phone book should have been and began reading it.  He was surprised to find that Jesus was truly and faithfully Jewish, and He came to believe that Jesus was and is the Messiah promised to the Jewish people and, through them, to the world.  He recognized Jesus’s Deity as he read the Sermon on the Mount and the lineages because of his own identity as a Jewish man.  He knew about God and could recognize God, and he realized, “If anybody is God and speaks for God, it’s [Jesus.]”  He read the Old Testament again, now with a new understanding and recognition.  He recognized Jesus as the Suffering Servant in Isaiah 53 who had died in his place and risen from the dead.  When he realized that he was not fighting against the Gentiles but against another Jewish person, One He recognized as the promised Messiah, Glasser became a follower of Jesus and found that he had “never felt more Jewish.”  He states, “In fact, I have never seen a Jewish person accept Jesus and not become more Jewish.”  He read II Corinthians 5:17 and realized that this was what was happening to him.

Glasser then had to deal with the realities of being a Jewish believer.  He feared his family’s response.  He encourages listeners to understand that there is a long and troubling history of how Jewish people have been treated by the Church and that it can promote hostility.  Still, he had seen that God could break through to his heart, and he longed to help other Jewish people recognize and follow the Messiah God had sent. 

Glasser explained that his work with Chosen People Ministries has become even more complex recently.  He explained, “Circumstances in the last year have shifted to such a degree that” Jewish people have become “the football that everybody’s passing around and nobody seems to want to handle.”  Glasser stated that the misunderstanding about Israel’s response goes beyond human hatred.  He states that we will fail to understand what is happening if we miss Satan’s cosmic hatred of the Jewish people, through whom God promised to bless the entire world and through whom He continues His plan.  Glasser stated that Satan wants to destroy the Jewish people before they finish blessing the nations, especially since they will be involved in events that usher in the eventual demise of Satan that Jesus will accomplish.

Listeners who are interested in Glasser’s work can learn more at www.chosenpeople.com, as well as www.Ifoundshalom.com, which includes one hundred testimonies of Jewish believers.  Glasser also encouraged listeners to view the Oppose Antisemitism site and learn more about how to become involved.

For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition.  Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma.  Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction.  She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan.  She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative.  Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations.  

Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others.  Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone.  Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle.  Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything.  It is simply kindness.  Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts.  Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally.

If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices:  We can interject ourselves into their situation or be simply a compassionate observer.  A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc.  A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved.  A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results.  A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business.  A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so.  Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.”  When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed.  People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons.  Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment. 

We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation.  Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.”  Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is.  Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him.  God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know.  He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas.  He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers.  One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation.  Do you have experience with the relevant issues?  Do you have training?  If you don’t, you might seek general education to help guide your attempts (Make sure to use reputable resources, such as the National Institute for Mental Health [NAMI] or the Mayo Clinic.), or you might simply collect names of professionals, etc., to whom you can refer the person when they want help.  This can be helpful, but don’t try to be the resource or treatment professional.  Be careful about ruling out options for the person.  For example, sometimes Christians are nervous about the use of psychotropic medications and may even discourage loved ones from using them when prescribed.  Psychiatrist Dr. Harnish notes that the devil uses various weapons to attack us and that, as such, it often makes sense to use a variety of weapons in response.  He describes physical interventions such as medication, emotional ones such as counseling, and spiritual ones such as prayer and Scripture reading as different branches of the military.   He encourages using each of these weapons as needed as a country might use different branches of its military to combat different tactics brought against it.

Humility is crucial when dealing with addictions and/or mental illness, whether we are the ones struggling or the ones loving someone else as they struggle.  Just the person struggling must humble himself/herself to accept needed help, the person trying to help must humble himself/herself to accept that the loved one is free to reject his/her help and suggestions.  Sometimes phrasing helps: “I have an idea, and I’m wondering if you’d be interested,” may be a helpful start.  Telling the person all the ways he or she has failed or should have done things differently typically does not help.  When making a suggestion, consider your timing.  Remember that you are not the person’s parent (unless you are and that person is a child), lawyer, doctor, or boss; you are not God.  You are a compassionate witness; see and offer help only within appropriate boundaries.

Remember not to define people by their disorders.  Don’t walk on eggshells.  Let them lead the way.  Help when they ask for help unless such help is not helpful, and then say that you don’t feel comfortable doing that.  Keep it simple.  God honors weakness and really values honesty.   Also, remember that most diagnoses have a continuum of severity.  One person with Diagnosis A may experience it very differently than another person with the same diagnosis. 

Make sure your own life is working.  Tighten down your own self-care.  This gives you strength to help the person when he or she wants help, as well as to love the person when he or she falls, and it models what good self-management can be like.  Get sleep, rest, recreation, and support.  Consider going to a supportive group such as NIMH, Alanon/Alateen, etc.; go to at least two meetings before you rule it out. Mental illness, addiction, and even recovery are all processes that are easy to “get lost in,” and this is as true for loved ones as for the person who struggles directly with the problem.  Boundaries are hard to maintain in these situations, but they are crucial.  Pray for the person, be a compassionate witness, and “do your side of the street.”

Have you noticed that love can look different ways at different times?  Sometimes love is soft and gentle, and sometimes it is firm.  Sometimes it tells us everything we need to hear, and sometimes it waits silently.  It can be confusing, so how do we know when we are truly loved and when we are loving others well?  Today Cinthia discusses characteristics of real love between one human being and another. 

A person who loves you will not be perfect but will be humble when he or she has been wrong.  A person who loves you well will ask for and receive your forgiveness.  This is  especially important in personal relationships.

When you are the one who was wrong and you humble yourself to ask forgiveness, a person who loves you well will forgive you quickly, even for a big offense.  This does not necessarily mean that trust will be instantly restored or that the hurt will evaporate; you must be realistic in allowing the person time to heal.  You must rebuild trust.  But, while trust may need to be earned back over time, forgiveness will be free and will come more quickly.  The person will not hold grudges or say that things are fine, only to attack you with passive aggression.  The person will also differentiate between signs that you are imperfect and signs that you are truly dangerous. 

When someone loves you well, that person honors what you really need, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for him/her, and even if it is not the same as what he/she needs.

A person who loves you well is courteous and gracious, especially within the relationship.

A person who loves you well supports you in your feelings and struggles.  The person will not publicly shame or reject you for your mistakes and will still “claim” you, even if he or she cannot approve of what you did.  The person will gently tell you the truth, though, privately and kindly letting you know when you are harming your relationships and not being the best version of yourself.

A person who loves you well will not “keep score.”  He or she will not overcomplicate your every mistake with a list of all the things you have ever done that were problematic in any way.  However, that person will continue to believe in the best version of you, the person you can grow to be, and will encourage you to become that person.

How do you know what kind of person to trust?  You can observe the person’s response under stress, the way the person treats subordinates and strangers, the way the person treats his/her parents (There are some families that are so toxic that a person may have to limit or cut off contact, but this is not the norm and should not be a person’s automatic response to imperfection.), the way that person talks about others when they are not around, the level of honesty a person demonstrates, whether the person can hear others or is always focused on self, and other signals discussed in the podcast today.  Do not gloss over the evidence of a person’s character, hoping it will simply be what you want it to be.  There is a difference between demanding perfection and simply acknowledging character and choice patterns.  We will not find perfect people with whom to have personal relationships, but a basic fit in value systems matters very much.

It is also important to look at your own life and identify how to get help for yourself.  James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we may be healed.  This does not mean that you make everything public, but it does mean you have to open up to some others sometimes, especially about your struggles.  The passage goes on to talk about the prayer of a “righteous” person being powerful and effective; this tells us something about the person or people in whom we can confide.  “Righteous” does not mean that the person will be perfect; the only perfection available to human beings on earth is the perfection Jesus accomplished, the perfection God now sees in us when we trust in what Jesus did for us.  But, when deciding to confide in someone, make sure the person sees himself/herself through this lens rather than thinking he/she is perfect outside of that.  The person should know how to mess up and recover and should take seriously the love of God for each one of His children. 

Sometimes we do not want to ask for help from others.  We feel embarrassed at having our sin exposed for what it is and can begin to get wrapped up in everything we could and should be, which paralyzes us.  Remember, God wants to help you learn who you really, truly are, why He created you, what the point was, and why He is happy that He made you.  Often, He uses us to help each other learn these things.  It is okay to ask for help.  You may have to keep asking until you get what we need, but you are worth that.  Remember that Jesus accepted help from Simon of Cyrene when He could no longer carry His own cross.  Accepting help changes things forever.  Be a leader in your family, community, etc., by getting the help you need and doing what it takes to become all that God means for you to be.  You only have one life.  Get what you need so you can live it.  Your struggles do not just impact you, even if it seems like they are not hurting anyone else; your struggles really do affect the people in your life, as well.  Get over yourself for their sake and yours; ask for help in order to pursue the life God intended for you to have. 

Sometimes we need help from professionals.  What are some signs that you might need professional help?  Well, if you are struggling with something dangerous, illegal, immoral, or unethical, you may need help to loosen its hold.  Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else indicate you need help in your journey.  Sad or anxious feelings that seem overwhelming or come with troubling thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or changes in energy level can be a sign.  Specific problems that impact your life, such as addictive or compulsive habits, can be a sign, as well.  Distress itself can mean that you need help.  A sense or feedback from others that you are losing touch with reality can also be an important sign; while people are often embarrassed about this one, it is just another human coping skill that, like other coping skills, can cause problems if we do not get help.  Do not despise the human condition; humans need help.  So take care of the one God loves (by which we mean you) by getting the help you need.  Even if you don’t value yourself, God values you highly.  You can join Him in that.

Why do human beings get defensive?  Why does defensiveness feel so powerful when it arises inside us?  And what can we do to deal with it?

Defensiveness is a way to protect the self-concept; it often occurs when a person perceives that his image or self-image is under attack.  The truth is that we spend a lot of time misrepresenting ourselves to one another and to ourselves; it is hard to admit to ourselves and to others that we are really not all that we ought to be.  Our misrepresentations are distortions of reality.  Some of those misrepresentations can seem harmless or even helpful at times; we may try to appear confident during public speaking, which may actually increase our confidence over time.  We might try to present ourselves as being in a good mood when we are actually depressed, and, in some cases, this may cheer us somewhat or help us not to be too vulnerable in front of the wrong people.  But distorting reality is a slippery slope, and our behavior can easily slip into the realm of lying.  We deceive ourselves and others into believing only the positive aspects of our personalities.  Then, when we have a sense that our other parts are going to be exposed, or when we start to suspect that we have been lying to ourselves and are about to have to face an uncomfortable reality, we feel afraid.  Anxiety and guilt can occur when we recognize that we are not who we really should be or that others do not see us the way we want to be seen.  (This happens a lot in couples, workplaces, and other settings where it becomes hard, unwise, or impossible to maintain our positive-only presentations over time.)  Defensiveness offers to help alleviate that guilt and anxiety.  It offers a sense of protection when we perceive ourselves to be under attack. 

We have lots of defense mechanisms for self-protection, and they are not all unhealthy.  In fact, sometimes defense mechanisms can help us survive in positive ways.  But unhealthier defense mechanisms help us accept who we are without trying to change, and that is not best for us or for those around us.  (Healthy acceptance of who we are does not mean agreeing with all our own tendencies or defending our own bad choices.)  Another problem with the unhealthy use of defense mechanisms is that, when we distort reality, communication suffers.  We may not even be aware of what we are doing, or we may realize it as we are doing it but not stop.  Then we try to bolster ourselves, and this is where trouble comes.  We think our defense mechanisms are helping us be more courageous, but this is wrong.  We become liars because we do not like what we know is true.

Human beings have lots of defense mechanisms.  (And, remember, there can be healthy ways to protect ourselves.)  By becoming aware of the most common defense mechanisms, we can use them less often, becoming happier and more secure about who we are.  This is a step toward more effective communication, better relationships with ourselves and others, and, ultimately, a better relationship with reality.  We do not have to spend our whole lives constantly defending ourselves, and doing so tends to lead us toward being things we were never meant to be.

Here are a few of the most common defense mechanisms, starting with the most primitive:

1. Denial of reality: This is simply trying to pretend that what is true is not true, and what is not true is, in fact, true. 

In order to more effectively deal with our own defensiveness, we first have to identify it.  One way to do this is to notice when we feel attacked.  We can notice our alarm signals, our breathing, the sensations in our bodies.  Warning signs of defensiveness can include tightening gut, adrenaline rush, a sense of threat or rejection, paranoia, quickening pulse or breathing, etc.  It is important that we monitor our bodies and our thoughts. Sometimes these warning signals indicate that we are in actual danger, while other times they simply mean we perceive some kind of challenge to our image or self-image. 

Next, we can find a way to take a break, or at least a breath.  We can intercept the physical symptoms.  We can excuse ourselves to the restroom, splash water in our faces, take short walks and long, deep breaths, remind ourselves of reality, remind ourselves we do not have to be perfect and what gives us worth, remind ourselves we are loved, etc.  We can even leave the environment elegantly.  We can keep ourselves safe without being defensive.  Remember, we control our actions, but the responses that come to those actions are out of our control.   Thoughts are particularly crucial when avoiding defensiveness; we can respond to a negative with a something positive internally.  And sometimes we can avoid situations in the first place that are likely to provoke our deepest vulnerabilities, reducing the likelihood that we will start to react defensively. 

We can learn to control our defensiveness; if we do not do so, we make life difficult for ourselves and others.  Dealing with defensive people can be exhausting.  The best way to blunt the effects of someone else’s defensiveness is to avoid becoming defensive in return, even when provoked.  We can acknowledge to ourselves that a given problem is the other person’s and not yours.  We can be friendly and listen well, resisting the urge to evaluate, criticize, or suggest.  Remember, we do not always have to prove our points or show someone else that he is wrong.  We can consider whether we have the relationship to address a problem with that person, whether anyone is being harmed, etc.  Defensiveness is a self-esteem issue, and, when you deal with someone who is defensive, you are dealing with someone who has self-esteem issues.  Avoid getting sucked into a superiority battles.  We can offer empathy without agreeing and can detach in a way that frees others and ourselves.

Our society focuses a lot on identity.  We take personality tests, craft careful social media posts, curate bumper stickers, and select our preferences --news channels, political parties, even our churches -- with an eye toward presenting ourselves as who we think we are or who we want to be.  But, for all our self-fascination, we have surprisingly little security.  Even arrogance does not necessarily indicate confidence.  Even those of us who believe human beings are made in the image of God may find that concept hard to embrace, hard to live out.  Why do we have such problems with self-esteem? 

Human identity is a battleground for a much bigger war than we often acknowledge.  Our creation in the image of God means we were designed for the highest purpose imaginable: to reflect the glory of God.  Satan was an archangel who was also created to display the glory of God, though in a different way, but he wanted that glory for himself.  His pride caused him to rebel and be cast out of heaven.  To get back at God, he sought to deceive God’s image-bearers (also known as human beings) into choosing our own will over God’s (Genesis 3), and, as a result, we lost the glory God intended for us and forfeited our communion and fellowship with Him, becoming slaves to sin and Satan (Romans 6:17). 

Look at human identity in Genesis 3.  Satan deceived Eve with the implication that God could not be trusted with her identity – that God was, in fact, lying to her to keep her from being all she could be (i.e., “like God”).  He basically told her that disobeying God was the way to fully reach her potential, and Eve wagered her identity on the serpent’s information, which turned out to be a lie.  Adam, who was with her at the time, chose his wife over God, paying more attention to her feelings and thoughts about the situation than to the truth God had given them.  As a result, he lost his secure status with God, his power, his sense of adequacy and security.  Man was led into arrogance, despair, and a sense of inadequacy.

Jesus came to bring us back to Himself and to redeem creation, but this process is not yet complete in all its implications.  We were made for glory but born into exile, and even those of us who receive His rescue are shaped for now by the influences of our bodies, our families, our surroundings, our limitations.  In Romans 7:15-17, Paul expresses frustration with the state of our own humanity in a fallen world.  Without the secure base of knowing the One from Who we were made – without that as our automatic understanding of who we are – we engage in a continual search for significance through the approval of others.  Like Adam did with Eve, we value the opinions of others more than the truth of God, and we make our choices based on them rather than on the one Who made them and us.  We continually fail to turn to God for the truth about ourselves, thinking that we are what others say we are, and we have extreme difficulty separating our identity from behavior.  With this belief system stamped into our brains, we live by the following equation:

               others’ opinions + my performance = my self-worth.

When we are dependent on our performance for identity, learn to be manipulative (Proverbs. 23:7), develop a “have-to” mentality (e.g., have to have ___, have to do ___, have to be ___), and feel trapped.

While this process is universal, it also plays differently in the development of each individual.  In addition to being personally fallen, human beings are reared by other fallen human beings called “parents.”  Our parents are supposed to model the character of God for us as we develop, relating to us much as God does, but in a fallen world parents love children with imperfect love and give an imperfect picture of how God interacts with us.  This imperfect love exists with varying degrees of dysfunction, and some children receive a far more skewed picture of God than others.  Parents who communicate conditional love to their children predispose them to performance-oriented behavior, which is ultimately about chasing a feeling; it is the drive that says, “If ______, then I’ll be happy/ loved/ able to relax.”  Performance-oriented behavior leads us to so much fear, worthlessness, and despair.  It is difficult to understand the Fatherhood of God when childhood experiences (e.g., abuse, abandonment, not feeling wanted) give such a different picture of what a parent is like and what a child is worth.  This leads to difficulty nurturing and trusting ourselves, trusting others, internalized doubt and shame about who we are, over-wrought thinking about ourselves in an attempt to make it better, etc.

Societies also display different versions of fallen behavior.  In our society, for example, the last few decades have seen women trying to get identity from competing with men, trying to outdo them, trying to get self-esteem from how they rank with men.  This is a different way to chase self-esteem than those seen in societies with different value systems, but all the ways of chasing self-esteem outside the foundation of bearing God’s image are ultimately futile and tend to lead us in downward spirals.

So how do we repair self-esteem? 

-We acknowledge the problems we have with it.  We acknowledge their origin, including the pain we have experienced because of our own choices, the wounds we have from the choices of others, and the pain we have caused others. 

-We rejoin with God, which we are allowed to do because Jesus has paid for our sin, giving us the right to approach God again.  We acknowledge Him as our Creator, asking Him to show us who we are and to restore and build the sense of identity He intended for each of us individually. 

-We forgive ourselves and others (a short phrase that describes a big process). 

-We accept that loving ourselves is acceptable to God, that it is what He wants (Matthew 22:39).  

-We validate ourselves and our own worth based on God’s decision to love us.  Remember, He defines reality; it is not defined by our own feelings and thoughts about ourselves. This does not mean we dismiss or despise our own feelings (feelings are important and don’t really ask our permission to exist), but it does mean we deny them the responsibility or right to define everything (That’s actually not what they’re for.).  When we accept God’s right to define reality rather than insisting we understand it better than He does, we start to find out who we are.  We also start to enjoy the goodness of God instead of making Him work so hard to convince us of His love.

-We learn to know ourselves and to manage our own feelings and personalities effectively.  For example, if we are more sensitive, we acknowledge that and become safe adults for ourselves, giving ourselves safety instead of demanding that others provide safety for us.  We learn to respond to criticism and to live out our values.  Essentially, we learn to be for ourselves the parents we wish we had had as children.  We become safe adults to the child-like parts of ourselves.

-We let go of perfectionism. 

-We learn to be assertive rather than passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive.  We learn to maintain healthy boundaries. 

-We meditate on who we are in Christ.  We learn to walk in His love.

-Sometimes we write strong affirmations.  Affirmation creates within us a strong belief in that which we are affirming.

Remember, low self-esteem is with us because we are fallen, but we do not have to let it steal from us on an ongoing basis.  We can journey back to reality by going to the One Who made us.  The One Who gave us the gift of existence still knows who we are, and He looks forward to helping each of us find out and enjoy who we are meant to be.

Stories have power, regardless of whether they are true.  True stories, however, have special power, and God kindly gives us so many examples of how He deals with humans.  Today Cinthia discusses the stories of three real people who encountered the mercy of God: John Newton, Hagar, and Sarai.

John Newton was profane even for a sailor.  He denounced God.  He was a slave trader.  He rebelled against authority no matter how much it harmed him to do so.  Newton became aware of God’s mercy on him when he was protected during a terrible storm at sea, and over the next several years he changed.  He renounced the slave trade and became known for writing the great hymn which states, “Amazing grace – how sweet the sound – that saved a wretch like me.” 

Do you resonate with Newton’s story at all?  Are you aware of having fought against God, of having done real harm to other people, of being a “wretch” who keeps digging the hole of your life a little deeper?  Can you see yet that His love is pursuing you?  What does God have to do to get your attention, to get you to see His redeeming love?  You have a calling on your life.  How long will you run from it?

Hagar, whose story we read in the Bible (Genesis 16), was a young girl.  She was the maid-servant of Sarai, a wealthy older woman who had been unable to have children.  Sarai gave Hagar to her husband Abram as a concubine, hoping she would become pregnant on Sarai’s behalf.  When Hagar conceived, she resented Sarai, looking on her with contempt.  Sarai complained to her husband, who said this was Sarai’s business and that she could do as she liked with Hagar, and Sarai did -- The Bible says that Sarai then “dealt harshly with” Hagar, to the point that Hagar fled from her into the desert, where the angel of the LORD found her.  He asked from whence she came and where she was going.  After she answered, the angel told her to “return to your mistress and submit to her,” then told Hagar about the plan God had for her family, the children that would come through her.  And, apparently, Hagar understood that God was answering the need of her heart; her response was to call Him “the God Who sees me.”  His answer gave her the strength to go back to what had previously been unbearable; knowing herself to be deeply seen by God changed everything. 

Do you relate to Hagar?  Has your life been shaped by the decisions of other people, the needs they wanted you to fill without really seeing you as a person on your own?  Have you taken on the roles given to you until it got more painful and complicated than you could stand?  Have you reacted to hurt in ways that made things worse?  Have you been in situations you longed to escape but could not, or thrown yourself into desperate attempts to get away from what you could not handle?  God sees you.  He sees you.  Deeply, accurately, lovingly – He sees you.  Listen for His voice.  You were made for His purposes, not yours or theirs.  He will make a way for you.  If it applies, stop doing unhealthy things to be seen by others.  Where have you come from, and where are you going?  Pray your thoughts to God.  Ask Him why you are alive.  You can say things to Him that just pour out of your heart, such as, “Please, God, find me.  I need to be found by you.  I’m afraid for you to see what I’ve done.  Have you turned away from me?”  He does not simply provide for our physical needs without looking at us (Orphanage workers in certain places were told to do this with babies as a precaution, and all the infants died in those now-infamous situations.).  God looks fully into your face and into your heart, and He will meet the needs that are there.

In the same passage we see Sarai.  She longed for children, and the longing had gone unanswered month after month, year after year, until there was no natural hope left.  She knew God had promised Abram a child, and giving her maidservant to her husband was considered acceptable in her culture.  Did she think she was doing the right thing?  Was she simply greedy, determined, and willing to use others to get what she wanted?  Did she tell herself this was the unselfish path?  Whatever her motive, she chose the path that made sense to her at the time, and it backfired.  Her shame multiplied, and, when she went to her husband for help, he told her that she was on her own to fix it.  She chose her own way again, this time lashing out at Hagar.  But God still had a plan for Sarai, and He gave her a baby, too.  Even though Sarai had not trusted the mercy of God in all the ways He deserved to be trusted, He remained faithful to her.  She finally held her own child, the child of promise, and, along with Abram, named him Isaac, which means laughter.

Are you like Sarai, carrying the constant ache of deep, unmet longing?  Does it seem like the cry of your heart goes unheard, like you have not been given what would have been so easy for God to give, and like maybe you just need to cut your losses and take what you can get?  Are you ready to count yourself out and accept a solution that may not be best but that seems like the only way to get even a little bit of what you need?  Does it seem that your problems are the ones that get left behind for you to fix yourself, grasping at whatever solution seems least hopeless to you at the time?  Have you become harsh in situations where you still have some control?  God sees you, too, just as He saw Hagar and just as He saw Sarai.  He is not ignoring your longings.  He has not forgotten or discounted you.  He knows your pain, and He wants to carry it with you.  He really does have a plan to lavish you with His mercy and grace, even if you have tried to do things your own way and made a complete mess of life for yourself and for others.

Sarai and Hagar both did it their way.  Out of their pain, they took things into their own hands and did not trust the mercy of their Father in heaven.  Both were in situations beyond their own control, and both reacted in ways that made things worse.  But both received the mercy and grace of God. 

Hebrews 13:5 says that God will never forsake us, but we feel forsaken, even by Him.  This verse is hard to believe sometimes.  So ask Him about it, and then ask Him for help to trust that He is with you.  God is the God Who sees us.  He is always kind.  He really does know His people.  He is kind and understanding.  He gives us strength to endure the hard things, and He walks with us through those things.

Whether you relate to one or more of these individuals, God says, “Trust Me.  I am the God Who sees you.  You may not see Me, but I see you.  I am not uninvolved.  I am doing things in your life that are beyond your comprehension, and they have to take their course.  I am the Way, and I know My own way for you.  I am the God Who knows you.  You are of immense value to me.  I am in the waiting.  I am the God of formation, and I know My process within you.  You can trust the One Who died for you.”  And you can say to Him, “You are the God Who sees me, and I need to be the one who believes You.  I need to accept the value You give me and act on it.”  And then, as we grow in this, we are called to see others, looking on them with compassion and love, seeing the unseen.  Teresa of Avila said that Christ has no hands and feet on the earth right now except ours.  When we know we are seen by Him, we can practice seeing with His eyes and reaching out with His love. 

Today Cinthia discusses motivation and inspiration, two concepts that are related but not identical.  She uses a variety of quotes and offers a number of questions to ask ourselves as we examine our own ongoing motivation and inspiration.  The first was the following by Thomas Carlyle: “Let him who would be moved to convince others be first moved to convince himself.”  You cannot motivate others if you are not motivated by your own mission or vision.  Motivation and inspiration are contagious, as are negativity, skepticism, and cynicism.

The relationship between motivation and inspiration is somewhat cyclical; Cinthia says, “We motivate to inspire and inspire to motivate.”  Motivation can be intrinsic or extrinsic, but it culminates in an inner drive to do something and behave in a certain way; it is what moves us from desire to will.  Inspiration makes us want to do something or gives us an idea about what to do.  Both are important, and both can be helped by resources from the outside.  But, as Cinthia emphasized, at the end of the day the best motivation and inspiration are the ones we have internalized, the ones that now come from inside of us.

As an example, Cinthia described her own passion for therapy, which was her life’s work for decades, and its related services, such as the life coaching and pastoral counseling she now offers.  Cinthia explained that, although she initially did not want to be a therapist, she has come to believe in the process so strongly that no one now needs to coerce or talk her into doing it; she has seen it work so well and so often for so many that she is self-motivated to help others through these methods.  She also noted that her engagement in this broadcast/podcast is intrinsically motivated.  Because she has come to believe in these things so strongly, her deep belief overrides her aversion to having to “sell” things like counseling, psychoeducation, and other passions.  She reports having learned the following: “I can’t produce or sustain outside of me what is not inside of me,” and, “The outside emanates from the inside; we work from the inside out.”

So how do we take responsibility for our own motivation and inspiration?  External resources (like this show!) can certainly help, but, in the long run, adults need to take responsibility for their own motivation and inspiration instead of just waiting for the world to inspire and motivate them.  This is especially important for those who lead since motivating and inspiring others can be part of the job.

So here are some questions to consider:

-What is the purpose of your life?  If you have listened to the show for long, you will know that Cinthia regularly encourages asking your Creator why you were made since He did, in fact, make you uniquely for a reason.  Because you were created by God, you have intrinsic value regardless of your actions, and no one else can fulfill the unique purpose for which you were made.  Are you clear on your life mission and the gifts only you can give?

-Are the things you are doing aligned with your life mission and values?  Are you able to explain why you are doing what you are doing?  Do you have passion and desire for what you are doing?  What are you trying to accomplish through it?  Remember what Charles Hummel said: “The need itself is not the call.”  You cannot meet all the world’s needs.  What is your piece to address?  (Such passion can exist at different levels, by the way.  You may not have passion for your current job but have great passion to take care of your family, and the paycheck from this job may do that.  While it is great to seek out ways to eventually move into a job about which you are more passionate and which gives you greater enjoyment, motivation and inspiration do not necessarily have to wait until every task in your life is one you find exciting.)

-Are your ways of promoting what you believe simple and authentic to you?  It is okay if people do not like your ideas; sometimes this helps you screen out unrealistic or less-than-optimal ideas, while other times it is important to move forward despite the opinions of others.  Are you communicating your ideas in ways that flow naturally from your own passion, or does it feel forced?  Telling your own story is not the same as selling, but it often helps people understand the value we see in particular methods or ideas.  On a related note, are you willing to receive feedback, and do you know how to sort the feedback you will embrace and the feedback you will ignore?

-What motivates you?  What demotivates you?  Often extrinsic motivation does not “stick” as well as intrinsic motivation does, but knowing what internal and external resources are inspirational and motivational to you means you can take ownership of both.

-If you are a leader, do you know your people?  Are you committed to them, and can they tell this from your actions?  What are their needs and gifts? 

-What is the story of your life?  How are you managing the pain and struggles it involves?  Do you exercise good boundaries, good self-care, not taking others’ feelings too personally, forgiveness, and letting the relational process cause you to mature and deepen?  Do you struggle with perfectionism and control, or are you like the starfish that, when it loses a leg, grows a new one?

-On what do you rest your faith?  Is it something that is bigger than you are?  Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  People are too mistake-making for the pressure that comes with getting all our motivation from one another.  Your faith is far too valuable to be guarded by another person.  What is the foundation of your life?

-What is your kryptonite?  Are you sabotaging yourself with habits and behaviors that are unhelpful, or is the good in your life being the enemy of the best?  How do you talk to yourself in your head?  Are you caring for yourself well enough to keep from having to think about yourself all the time?  How do you interact with others?  (Remember, sometimes it’s better to be in relationship than to be right.  It’s one thing to know what is important enough that you will not compromise it; it is another thing to be obnoxious about proving yourself right all the time.)

-Am I having fun?  Not every task in life can be fun, but some things should be.

Adults cannot depend on the external world to meet their internal needs.  Adults have to own the task of motivating and inspiring themselves, including the task of selecting the external resources that help with this.  Adults who interact with children have to help children create internal worlds in which they can live safely and well, and adults cannot do this well without having learned to do it for themselves.  How is your internal world?  What motivates you?  What inspires you?  How will you incorporate these things more helpfully into your life? 

For many of us, the harshest litany in our lives is the stream of self-evaluations running through our heads.  This can seem harmless and even necessary to control our behavior; it is easily confused with appropriately holding ourselves accountable.  But the way we deal with ourselves reveals a lot about our views of reality, and it tends to leak out into our relationships with others, though we may not be aware of that.  Today Cinthia looks at two big (and related) reasons we are so hard on ourselves: unforgiveness and perfectionism.

Cinthia states that the following is an important rule of life: We accept forgiveness, and we offer forgiveness.  These two actions often seem separate to us, and most of us find one easier than the other.  The two are bound together, however, as Jesus showed in Matthew 6:9-13, often called “The Lord’s Prayer,” and in Matthew 7:12, often called “the Golden Rule.”  (This last has reflections and corollaries that are found in every major religion, indicating that God has written it into our hearts at a deep level.)  Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”  He told us to do to others what we would want them to do to us.  And He told us that the second-greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31).  Our relationships with others and our approach to ourselves cannot be separated; this is why unforgiveness on either side of the equation produces sickness and disease in our bodies and souls. 

Giving and receiving forgiveness both require an understanding of what forgiveness is not, as well as what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, dismissing it, condoning it, or saying the offense was understandable or okay.  Forgiving a bad thing does not mean calling it a good thing.  It does not mean we will allow the harm to keep happening or will pretend the harm never happened; remember, trust and accountability are often separate issues from forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean we will forget what happened; in some cases, that would not be safe to do.  Forgiveness means that we turn the debt over to God and let Him handle the accounts.  We stop trying to exact payment on our own, whether from ourselves or others.  We give up the roles of prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner.  We see ourselves and others as valuable in spite of the choices made; we see people (including ourselves) as more than just the sum of actions committed.

For those who struggle with self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness can seem wrong, as if it dismisses the seriousness of the choice or the harm done by it.  It seems too easy to let ourselves walk away from what we did.  The problem is that God is the Judge, not us.  He has made a way to forgive us because of what Jesus did on the cross.  Receiving and embracing His forgiveness is not a dismissal of the seriousness of our actions or the harm done; after all, any choice that requires the blood of God’s Son to pay for it is serious.  But adding our own mental self-punishment to Jesus’s sacrifice is not the same as taking our sin seriously; our self-flagellation cannot add ever equal the horror of the punishment He took for us.  If we take our own sin seriously, we must also take seriously what He did about it.

Self-forgiveness means that we choose to live at peace with ourselves because God has chosen to live at peace with us.  We may still attempt to repair damage done when that is possible (e.g., acknowledging, apologizing, making attempts to restore what we took from someone else when that is possible, etc.), but we recognize that refusing to forgive ourselves does not repair anything or help anyone.  We choose to walk away from the mental torture of holding onto our sins and mistakes.  We choose to see ourselves as more than our offenses.  Cinthia models a statement like this one: “I am not proud of what I did, and I do not condone or minimize it.  But I am choosing to move forward for the sake of my own health and well-being, as well the health and well-being of those who love me and those I am meant to impact.”  You see, forgiving ourselves affects our relationships in ways we may not expect until we see it happen. 

We are to forgive ourselves and others as we have been forgiven.  But, if you struggle with this, remember that forgiveness is a process.  Be patient with yourself, but do more than just resolve to forgive.  Take steps to back up your forgiveness.  When forgiving yourself, this may mean using some kind of meditation or affirmations to work on the way you talk to yourself and cut off the litany of mental self-harm that has become wired into your brain.  It may mean choosing positive self-treatment even when you do not feel deserving of it, choosing to show love toward yourself with some kind of action that makes things better and not worse.  It may mean seeing a therapist or life coach, keeping a diary, or engaging in your faith in a different way.  Sometimes the refusal to forgive yourself becomes so entrenched that releasing it entails a loss of identity; without the self-judgment and orientation around our mistakes, you have to go to God and find out who He meant you to be and where He wants your life to go.  Until now, you have been focused on your sins and mistakes; where will you go when you release yourself from this?

For some people, though, self-forgiveness is difficult even when the offense is simply being human or failing to meet unrealistic expectations.  This is perfectionism.  If you struggle with it, consider therapy or counseling of some kind because perfectionism will impact your life and the lives of those around you.  Living our lives in self-loathing often involves making too much of the judgment calls of others, mentally echoing their negative evaluations of us again and again; if we try to get all our good feelings from other people, we will live in constant fear or regret over failing their expectations.  Remember, you do not have to forgive yourself for being what God made you to be, though you may need to forgive yourself for not being what He meant you to be.  Again, find out from Him who He made you to be and what purpose He has for your life.  Make the changes needed to follow the purpose for which you were made.  Have the conversation with God, "Why did you make me?"  Base your self-assessments on the intentions of your Creator, not those of the people around you or your own ideas about who you should be.  If you see yourself as needing to meet a higher standard than others, you probably need to look at this; it can, in fact, be quite arrogant to insist on being better than others.  If surpassing others is what protects you from shame attacks, this is unstable.  God made you a person.  You are unique, even in the ways you mess up.  But if you are evaluating your mess-ups by your own need to avoid the messiness of being human, you will not be able to face your life effectively.  Martha Beck said that "welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers." 

Incorporate appropriate self-acceptance into your lifestyle, and remember that acceptance does not mean agreeing or condoning all the choices.  Laugh more; laughter is truly the best medicine.  Give yourself some freedom to stop taking everything so seriously.  Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy -- the constancy of hurt and blame is exhausting.  Forgiveness allows you to live in the present instead of in the past.  The only reason we revisit the past is to learn from it, not to beat up on ourselves.  Self-forgiveness and self-acceptance increases our kindness to others.  It allows us to live in the present, which opens the future with purpose; we can build instead of being held back.  Practice accepting your emotions.  And remember, you have no control over what people say and do, but you can choose whether to base your own life on the mixed-up feelings of others.  Someone was hard on the people who were hard on you; break the chain by refusing to be hard on yourself and others.  Learn from the past, and be grateful that you get to move forward.  Take care of yourself.  You are important to God.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Accept this reality, and act on it.

Today's broadcast had two parts.  The first was an interview with Kevin Sorbo, a well-known actor who has played many roles, including that of Hercules in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and that of Captain Dylan Hunt in Andromeda.  He is currently promoting a movie that will be coming out in August called Firing Squad, in which Sorbo acts along with James Barrington and Cuba Gooding, Jr.  The movie is based on a true story about three men facing execution in Indonesia and the hope and redemption that broke out in a terrible place.  Sorbo also discussed a book he wrote about his own experiences nearly dying from an aneurism and having four strokes as a result; the book is called True Strength: My Journey from Hercules to Mere Mortal and How Nearly Dying Saved My Life and details what it was like to go so quickly from being in Hollywood shape to being unable to get himself out of bed.  Like the movie discussed earlier, the book offers hope and redemption.  The book also describes Sorbo's understanding that God has not promised us easy lives and that blaming Him for the trouble on earth is counterproductive.  He reports that many people have told him his book inspired them to stop feeling sorry for themselves in the wake of legitimately difficult experiences and life changes, and to move forward with hope.