Conversations With Cinthia

Are you willing to pursue virtue, or do you think of it as costing too much?  Pleasure has a price, too, one that is sometimes worth paying and sometimes not.  Pleasure is often an attempt to mitigate pain, but sometimes the price of pleasure is more pain for us and others.  How much is your pleasure costing you?  Your loved ones?  Your community and society?  Cinthia explains, “Pain is real.  Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain… in this world.  Pleasure, however, most often masquerades as giving you positive feelings.  It seems to give you rest and relaxation and fun, but it always has a price.”  Pursuing pleasure is different than simply enjoying it as a by-product of pursuing what is good.  The single-minded pursuit of pleasure is a dangerous road, a slow burn, one that often costs us the best things in life. 

We often think about the costs of our pleasure-seeking in our own lives, but we often do not consider the costs to others.  Good character understands and respects the price of pleasure to ourselves and others.  Good character qualities produce emotional, intellectual, relational, spiritual, and physical currency.  When we practice good character, we produce more emotional health, and we use our physical bodies differently.  We recognize that we are not in the world all by ourselves; we impact and are impacted by others.  This makes it important to be a good friend, partner, parent, neighbor, employee, confidant, etc. -- to bring out the best in others by being the kind of others can aspire to be.  Think of how God partners with us: Even when we are not good, He is still good.  Be someone that people can trust.  You cannot do this if you are pursuing pleasure alone. 

Contributing well to others does not mean you never receive or “deduct” from the relationship; it simply means that you make “deposits,” as well.  How do you handle the mistakes in relationships?  Are you someone from whom others have to recover, or do you contribute meaningfully to those around you?  Do you go to events expecting only to receive, or do you bring honor, encouragement, energy, positive emotion, patience, etc.?  Is your primary focus on deducting or depositing?  On your experience or the experiences to which you contribute?  Are you willing to pursue virtue?  What are the costs and rewards of that pursuit?

How much does your pleasure cost others – even the pleasure of holding onto your own bad mood?  What is the price of an addiction to you and to others, and what would be the costs and revenue of sobriety, for others and for you?  What is your “aroma” – what is it like to be around you?  How do people feel when you enter or leave the room?  If your world is all about you, what does it cost others to interact with your world?  Does your presence bring peace?  Bringing peace does not involve pretense; it involves genuine confidence and the ability to give to others because you have been taking appropriate care of yourself.  Bringing peace is possible even when confronting someone.  It is not the same as telling people only what they want to hear, but it does involve considering how someone else experiences the conversation and not only what the conversation is like for you.  Virtue is not always about being “nice,” though it is never cruel; it involves giving what is needed rather than what we simply want to discard during an interaction.

“What you do matters,” states Cinthia, “not just down here, but for eternity.”  We can go to heaven because of our belief in Jesus, but He also wants us to participate in the work of His Kingdom, partly just by the way we are with those around us.  What are you doing with your words?  Cinthia read an excerpt from Jesus Calling (March 1, 2020) that brought attention to what is created, destroyed, brought to life, or brought to death by all the words we speak.  Do you simply say what you want to say and then shrug off or defend the impact?  Why are we not thinking and being intentional with our words?  They matter.  Cinthia also read II Timothy 3:1-5, which states, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.  Avoid such people.” 

Our character is formed by pleasure and pain.  Cinthia recited the poem “Along the Road” by Robert Browning Hamilton, which poignantly describes having learned deeply from sorrow what could not be learned from pleasure.  Pleasure often moves us to do what is base, often giving us the excuse of avoiding pain.  Pain, however, can move us to do what is noble.  Pain reveals who we are and changes us into what we will be, for good or for evil.  The things that cause us pain reveal what we value; Plato stated, “Man needs to be so trained from his youth as to find pleasure and pain in the right objects.”  This training of our affections, our passions, is the work of building virtue.  Until we get to heaven, we will always be dealing with pleasure and pain.  How do you manage pleasure?  How do you manage pain?  Pain is necessary to create courage.  When we refuse to face pain, we become cowards.  A cure is often effected by administering the opposite of the disease, but the antidote can be more painful than the disease.  This is frustrating.  We can become more base because of pain and so seek pleasure above all else, or we can learn to deal well with pain instead of seeking solace in our vices.  We can develop character in order to see the world clearly and still have the virtue of love that God demonstrated when He died for the world. 

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Today Cinthia discusses the Wedding at Cana (John2:1-11) during which Jesus performed His first miracle on earth.  The fact that Jesus performed His first miracle at a family event – a wedding, specifically – and at the request of a family member, has significance.  The Bible calls Jesus the Bridegroom and the Church His Bride.  God loves and values family, and we are His family.  However, this account also shows us Jesus as a man (yes, also God, but still a man) and a son and family member.  It gives great insight into gender issues, as well as our approach to God and His to us.  So how did Jesus respond as a man to His female family member?

Jesus, as a male human being with a male brain, gave an initial response that indicated the problem Mary described was not naturally significant to Him in His role as a wedding guest.  Cinthia explored several translations and paraphrases of His response, all of which seemed to indicate that He did not see the problem as one He needed to solve as a human attending someone else’s wedding.  He was not the one throwing the feast, and it was not yet time for His miraculous ministry as the Son of God.  He basically said, “Right now, I’m just a man at a feast.  What does this problem have to do with me?”  

Men often see things very differently than women do, and this is okay.  Women can learn from Mary not to be hurt when a man does not initially see a problem in the same way she does.  Mary went to Jesus, her son, and communicated about a very specific need.  She told Him what the problem was, asking Him for help.  She did not become wounded when He responded honestly.  (Cinthia noted that men often say no first and relent later, while women often do the opposite.)  Then she let Him solve it.  She didn’t make several suggestions about the best way for Him to do this, when He needed to do it, etc.  Mary shows us how to communicate with a good man.  Having told Him specifically about the problem, she left the issue with Him and did not try to control the process; she just trusted that He would care about the fact that she was asking Him for help.

And He did.  Jesus saw that this problem, which may not have seemed relevant to Him as a Man or significant in the bigger picture, was important to Mary.  He responded honestly to her about how He saw the problem, but, because it mattered to her, Jesus made it important to Him.  He not only involved Himself in what mattered to Mary but did about it immeasurably more than she asked Him to do. 

Jesus showed us that God responds to us and cares about what is important to us.  He may not always do things in the timing we initially request, but He does care and will give revelation about timing, significance, etc., when we talk to Him about the problem.  As Mary went directly to Jesus, we need to go to God first, only then asking other people for help.  Start with the vertical and only then proceed to the horizontal.

Jesus also showed us here what it means to be a good man dealing with His family.  Some things seem important to a woman that do not seem important to a man.  Jesus gave Mary His honest perspective, but He did not try to talk her out of her need, nor did He belittle it.  Jesus made the problem His concern because it was important to her, and He did more for her than she asked – giving more wine than was needed and making it of the highest quality -- because He valued her.  This, explains Cinthia, is love.  Cinthia continues, “Men, you are the leader, the protector, the provider, the covering.  Follow the lead of your Savior, and help the women in your life.  Make their lives easier [with] kindness, gentleness, mercy when you’re not understanding why this is so important to the woman that you love.”

This first miracle revealed His glory, and His disciples believed in Him.  They had been walking with Him for some time at this point, but, apparently, they had not yet fully believed in Him.  You are in good company when you have trouble believing that God will do something.  Don’t shame yourself over doubt.  It is hard to believe in something you cannot see.  It is hard to believe in something that others have messed up and misrepresented.

As noted, Jesus’s first miracle during His life on earth was at a wedding, a family event that created a new branch of family, and was at the request of a family member.  Family is very important to God.  When you belong to God, you are His family.  He will not reject you, deride you, or say “no” simply out of laziness or spite.  His timing is perfect.  He loves you more than anything.  He wants you to be healed, completed, etc.  He will act on your behalf. 

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Today Cinthia explains a tool she uses, one we all need in our heads: the ignore/delete button.  This idea is a way of choosing not to dwell on actions (our own or those of others) that cause us to become overly or unnecessarily upset, judgmental, arrogant, self-loathing, or agitated.  Cinthia likes to picture her ”button” in the back of her head so she can physically tip her head when she uses it – a physical exercise that uses muscle memory to help her reset her perspective. 

If this surprises you or sounds unhealthy, perhaps reminding you of denial, minimization, or acceptance of abusive behavior, understand that this is a selective tool; it is not meant for use on everything.  The ignore/delete button is a gift from God, one that we learn to use by watching how He uses His own ignore/delete button.  God always knows, always sees, always hears, always feels; He is aware.  And yet He stays in relationship with His creation and manages not to kill us all instantly.  How does He do this?  Having provided for the atonement of our sins on the cross, how does He continue to handle a world that is not yet perfected?  How does He stay in relationship with people that, even when redeemed, are sinful, immature, and sometimes just obnoxious? 

Cinthia explains that God is the Master of appropriate ignoring and deleting.  There are some things He cannot ignore; the Flood, for example, happened because God could not ignore what was happening on Earth.  Also consider Psalm 109.  There are other things He ignores for now but address later in His timing.  There are things He deletes in His forgiveness, not holding them against us forever, but does not ignore because He loves us too much not to address the things that harm us and others.  And there are things He ignores and deletes, forgiving us and choosing not to openly and currently address every single sin we commit in the process of our lives on earth.  God does not excuse or acquiesce to our sin, but He does cover us while we are in the process of overcoming sin in His strength.

We, also, can hone the skills of appropriate ignoring and deleting.  We can choose not to focus on the one small dot that mars the otherwise blank sheet of paper.  We can enjoy sinful, annoying, unhealthy, compulsive, messed-up people, including ourselves, by selectively practicing the arts of ignoring and deleting.  This can strengthen our relationships and free us not to make an issue out of every little thing.  There are some things we should confront, and some information is helpful for addressing the situation.  However, if we decide not to confront a particular situation, we can let the information go.  We accept what we cannot change so we can allow for process while sin is being overcome and conquered.  This is different from protecting sin itself.

So how do we know what to ignore, what to delete, when to do both, and when to do neither?  Cinthia offered some questions we can ask.  For example, “Is this behavior unusual for the person, or is it a pattern?”  I might be able to let go and simply move on from a one-time mistake, sin, comment, decision, etc. (e.g., becoming intoxicated one time), while it might be more important to address a pattern (e.g., drinking too much on a regular basis).  “Do I know this person well enough to become involved in addressing the behavior?”  Some behaviors and behavior patterns may merit action but still not be our business.  “Is this the time to deal with the situation?”  There may be some things we temporarily ignore but plan to address at a particular, more appropriate time.  However, if I have to ignore and delete too many things in a very close relationship, I may have to reconsider the nature of that relationship. 

The ignore/delete button has many useful functions.  It can be especially helpful in interacting with people whose value system is different from our own.  Again, if we are not going to confront something, perhaps we should ignore and/or delete it rather than dwelling endlessly on what we cannot change.  Sometimes we have to repeat the deleting process, especially if we continue to decide not to confront the situation.  This is not the same as accepting the behavior or tolerating it going forward.  Even if I decide to leave a situation, I can use ignore/delete to protect my own brain, attitude, etc.  Some things are not worth our time and emotions.  Not everything has to be addressed, figured out, analyzed, etc.  If I can’t change it, there are some things from which we can just move forward. 

Ignoring and deleting can help us bring our minds under the peace of God’s protection.  Cinthia discussed several aspects of Psalm 91 and noted that God protects and defends us, even from His righteous anger and from ourselves.  She quoted, “I rest in the shadow of the Almighty, and I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in Whom I trust.’”  She stated, “My God belongs to me, and I to Him.”  Focusing on this reality helps the central nervous system and reorients us.  He is our refuge, even from ourselves.  We can always trust Him even though He can’t always trust us.  While we may trust other humans at a human-to-human level, our trust in God is much more profound and is unique to Him.  This provides the foundation to reset our perspectives by ignoring or deleting things that are not helpful or healthy for us to think about at a given time.

Cinthia also discussed Psalm 37 and Philippians 4:8.  The ignore/delete button can help us to actively practice grace and mercy.  Mercy has to do with kindness and compassion; it is often seen in the context of God not punishing us as our sins deserve, but delivering us from His own just judgment.  Grace has to do with kindness and compassion and also carries the idea of bestowing a gift or favor, extending blessing to one not worthy of it.  Are you willing to humble yourself enough to receive grace?  Don’t snag on your own pride or attempt to fix things on your own out of shame; shame and pride are both enemies of grace.  Forgiveness is the cure for yourself and others.  Cinthia also quoted from Psalm 73:28: “But as for me, the nearness of God is good for me.  I have made the Lord God my refuge so that I may tell of all your works.”  Ignoring and deleting the right things helps us enjoy the nearness of God and make Him our refuge. 

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What is your “Achilles Heel,” the weakness or “limp” that is always there in your life?  Do you judge yourself for it, berate yourself for having it?  Do you try to avoid it, chasing feelings that make it seem less painful for a while?

Healthy self-esteem involves a balance, both for individuals and for society.  We tend instead to swing back and forth on a pendulum, clinging to inferiority, then over-valuing our own good qualities.  This is because we tend to cling to performance-oriented evaluations of ourselves and others, judging worth and value by achievements, accolades, approval, looks, accomplishments, etc.  The key to getting off the pendulum is to learn that our worth is separate from our performance, that we are valuable because God made us on purpose and for a specific purpose.  Secure in that knowledge, we then strive to be the best versions of ourselves, not to make ourselves worthwhile but to honor the One Who made us so well.

Instead, we often try to meet our needs for self-value by “chasing a feeling.”  We may berate ourselves, hoping to force change that will make us feel better about ourselves.  But when we depend on the feelings that come from our accomplishments or the approval of others, we find them to be fleeting.  We fear failure, exposure, rejection, increased self-loathing, etc.  It is like trying to nourish ourselves on dessert or a diet of artificial sweeteners without laying a foundation of good nutrition to sustain us.  This means that chasing good feelings ultimately creates bad feelings, leading to more self-judgment and pain and inspiring more feeling-chasing behaviors.  We tend to believe the lies that match our emotional states.  This can lead to tragic outcomes including suicide.  Believing all our emotions creates a hellish experience, which we then try to fight with more perfection, feeling-chasing, etc.  What do you do to try to meet the needs inside you?

However, Jesus told His disciples that, by abiding in His word, they would know the truth and the truth would set them free (John 8:32).  Truth frees us even when it is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and the opposite of easy.  We must tell the truth to others and to ourselves.  We are terrified of truth, but God wants to use it to heal us.  God doesn’t tell mercy lies, but He has mercy on us by telling the actual truth to heal in order to heal us.

Cinthia discussed “limps” of her own including an eating disorder that stemmed from her belief that she was not “good enough,” as well as her dream of being a performer, which she thought must be God’s design since it was her dream for herself.  Instead, God used the truth to heal her: that He had made her and liked the way He had done so, that He wasn’t going to change His design of her to suit her, that she could enjoy who He made her to be or not, and, finally, that He had given her musical giftings and creativity as an “add-on” and not her primary mission in life.

God tells us the truth because He cares. When we care about ourselves, we also address our weaknesses and discipline ourselves.  We learn to recognize the fleeting nature of feelings.  God doesn’t just want us to feel good.  He wants us to know that He created us in a way we like and that He is sad that we don’t. 

What are you fighting within yourself?  What are you fighting yourself about, and is it worth the effort?  Are you being your own worst enemy, or are you being a true friend to yourself?  About what do you constantly argue with yourself?  What are you fighting for, and what are you trying to achieve?  Are you fighting for yourself or against yourself?  What do you talk yourself into and out of?  What are you willing to fight for yourself to achieve?  Don’t die for a feeling.  Don’t give up over a feeling.

Finally, Cinthia discussed an article by Cindy Rooy (Times News.net/living/faith/has-god-given-you-a-limp) and asked, “What is the limp that God has given you?”  Jacob, notes Rooy, was self-sufficient and independent, but this wasn’t what God wanted for him.  Finally, God wrestled (or sent an angel to wrestle) Jacob through the night, finally leaving him with a limp that remained for the rest of his earthly life.  After that, Jacob stopped scheming to obtain God’s blessings and learned to trust and depend on Him.

God will wrestle with us to break our will so He can bless us in our brokenness.  This is because He loves us.  We were never meant to live in our own strength, independent of Him, and we destroy ourselves and miss out on the life we were meant to live when we try.  Don’t judge your need for Him.  Don’t feel badly that you can’t do it without Him.  Think of how we feel about children and pets who need our help.  God wants us to rely on Him in our need and learn to trust Him.  Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” (II Corinthians 12:7-10).  We submit to God most consistently out of our need. 

God disciplines His children because He loves us.  Similarly, when we learn to care about ourselves, we learn to discipline ourselves.  We only discipline ourselves if we care enough about ourselves.  It is not ok to care so little about ourselves that we don’t discipline ourselves toward what is good for us. 

Who do you trust, and who trusts you?  Jesus is the Good Shepherd.  He wants you to know His voice and follow Him.  He does not want to give you a debilitating limp before you submit.  He wants you to trust Him.  His plan for you is specific, and He wants you to walk it out the way He intends, which will ultimately result in your highest fulfillment, though not necessarily all your best feelings right now.

God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  Trust Him.

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How much critical thinking really takes place in our society these days?  How well does the average person think through a given issue, considering the premises involved and making decisions on the basis of sound reasoning rather than reacting simply out of emotion or unthinking loyalty to a party line?  Our collective struggle to learn, develop, and use this skill has a huge impact on our judgment, which may explain why so many of us struggle to maintain an adult mentality, manage ourselves well, and do what is best for those who depend on us.  Today Cinthia discusses the lost art of thinking critically about a subject and making decisions that actually make sense beyond the rhetoric.  To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!  https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6

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You know that feeling that happens when you arrive home and get ready to go inside?  It can be a wonderful feeling, a terrible one, or lots of things in between the two, depending on what it is like for you to live there.  You also live inside yourself, inside your own body and head.  When your distractions subside and you become more aware of your own internal environment, how do you feel about living inside of you?  Today Cinthia discusses ways you can change your own internal environment, making the inside of your own head a place you don’t have to avoid. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!  https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6

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The age-old idea of sacrifice involves giving up something that is valuable to us for the sake of something we value even more.  Today Cinthia discusses the idea of looking past those things to which we cling and seeing what they actually cost us.  Based on material from one of her earlier books, Cinthia asks the question, “What has to die in order for you to truly live?”  What are you holding onto, and what is it choking out?  What do you need to let "die" in order to see new life begin?  To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!  https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6

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We know how practice works regarding an instrument, language, sport, or job skill: the little moments and long hours add up to create change that could never have happened without all the practice.  But sometimes we forget that our other daily habits, big and small, are also practices, and those small repetitions add up to make the stuff of our lives.  What habits of heart, mind, and body are you practicing, and what do you want to practice?  Are the things you are doing today the things you want to shape your life and the lives of those around you?  Join Cinthia to discuss practicing the things you truly want to perfect.  To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!  https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6

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Lots of people are pretty consistent about brushing their teeth because they know good dental hygiene is vital for improving and maintaining oral health.  But many of us don’t know how to take care of our minds and emotions, a significant concern when we consider that mental health disorders are on the rise in our society.  While lots of factors can impact mental health, good mental hygiene is something we can personally use to protect ourselves, care for ourselves, and contribute as effectively as possible to the world.  Join Cinthia to discuss what it means to take care of the minds in which we live.  To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!  https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6

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