Miles gets greeted in an odd way, while Bob has memory issues.

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There we go. And Kim can’t talk. There’s a cookie over her microphone. I think if you… There’s a way to do that, and I’ll think about that. Oh, I had that problem last week. God damn it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. The chair is not my son. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. What did you say? The chair is not my son. The chair is not my son. I don’t think that’s the lyric. The chair is not my son. Maybe it is. I don’t think it is. The chair is not my son. I think you’re a little off on your Michael Jackson tonight, Miles. That’s all I know. I don’t know any more words to that song. Okay. Well, that’s probably for the best for all of us, to be honest. So another week, Miles was just chastising me because I was playing sound effects as we were talking earlier tonight. And he doesn’t like my sound effects.
uh care to jump in on this i mean if you call yourself climaxing to the thing, yeah, I don’t like yourself spirit off kim so yeah so uh i’m trying to think of a story miles. So why don’t you go first this week? All right. So, um, I know, you know one i know you have a story. I do. Thanks for interrupting. But, yeah, I’d like to tell it if I could, if I don’t get interrupted again. You know, I was reading. Yeah. We have some reviews over on Apple Podcasts, and somebody wrote, there’s too many interruptions. Yeah. That was your wife. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Go right ahead. So, you know, I was displaced this summer you know the our shop was getting like uh remodeled and stuff, and i had to go work i got a at a nicer place for a little while. Well, now that the remodel is done isn’t your place nicer? Uh, well, yeah. It’s still, like, in a dog shit, you know area but yeah it’s but uh
And, you know, a lot of people, there’s a lot of confusion there. Like, Miles, where do you really work at? Do you work? You know, are you still employed? I mean, there’s a lot of confusion. Those are questions my mom asked you whenever she saw you. Yes, I know. Yes. Yes. She wanted to know if I was employed. She’d be like, Bob, does Miles really have a job? He doesn’t look like he works. And I go, I think he does. He keeps telling me he does. I work. I do work, yeah. Okay. And, uh, so, you know, I don’t know, people show up and they’re like, oh, I are, you know, ordered some stuff and it didn’t come in. And is it at your place? Is it at, you know, some other place or, you know, and, uh, it was kind of a goofy crew down there, you know, it’s really, really crazy, you know, uh, whacked out people, you know? Yeah. Did we ever talk about, uh, what happened to you while you were there?
Um, I don’t know if that’s public knowledge or not. That’s why I’ve only showed that video to a few people. Forget it. Yeah. I got, yeah, I got, uh, how do I put this? Uh, the ladies, the ladies that work there, we’re going to have a bachelorette party and they had bought a, uh, large, uh, squirt gun, I suppose, uh, and uh super soaker sort of yeah i was like the john holmes is uh squeaky and they tried it out on me for some reason. I ended up getting, like, the money shot with this thing, and, uh They actually videotaped this happening to me, but i will you had to be there to see the ha ha funny part of it, I suppose, what I did. I suppose. Yeah, I got up my eyes and my mouth, and i was just like anyway but uh
I don’t know that you needed to tell us where you got shot. Well, I hope it was water anyway. I don’t know what it was. So I was kind of a goofy crew down there, right? And I was like, okay, like, Those old fart, you know, shows up and he’s like, I need a bicycle chain. Where’s my bicycle chain? Okay. Me and bingo want to go for a ride, you know, me and bingo. I’m like, all right, all right. I’m going to go. It’s not here. Let me call this other location. Maybe it’s there. Cause everything’s all, you know? Right. Right. And, uh, so it’s like in a Friday, late Friday afternoon. And, uh, I call up and one of the women. uh, work there. I swear to God, she answers the phone. She goes, what’s up? Motherfucker. She answered the phone. Yes. And thank God I didn’t have this on speakerphone because that would be really hard to explain. Cause I told the old guy what I was doing. I’m like, I’m going to call this other shop, find your bicycle chain, you know, whatever. And yeah. Yeah.
This girl completely goes nuts. Oh, I guess she knew it was you, is what you’re telling me. Yeah, she didn’t call her ID. That part you didn’t mention. Well, I thought it was funny if I didn’t mention it. Yeah, she didn’t call her ID. I was not expecting her to yell that. I’m like, okay, hey, I’m on the phone right now. That’s interesting. Interesting. Sybil, I’m on the phone right now. Sybil. Don’t be yelling funny stuff to your old Uncle Miles. What’s up, motherfucker? I don’t think that’s on the approved list of ways to answer the phone at the business. I’ve never heard anyone at a business answer a phone like that. Domino’s, what’s up, motherfucker? Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, it turns out the boss and half the staff there just took off for cocktails or whatever the hell else early, I guess. I just heard a few other people. I’m like, oh, that’s nice. The boss loves to go out for cocktails there. How did you react with your old bicycle chain man standing there?
I’m like, well, hold on there, old man. Did you keep your composure or did you start laughing? Well, I might have let out a little bit of a, you know, hold on. Hold on. I got to sneeze. You know, I’m like, I had to play it off. Oh, okay. This crazy broad just didn’t yell out, hey, hello, motherfucker. That’s a little bit much, I’d say. Yeah, she’s like the youngest one there, too. So I was like, okay, well, this makes sense. Maybe that’s just the way the kids do it these days. I guess. I guess. I walk into Casey’s. Hey, motherfucker! Hey! Want a slice of pizza, motherfucker? They’re getting old. I’m going to throw them away. You want meat-normous, motherfucker? You know, I think I could live with that. Yeah. It would be like, you know,
Will’s got on that Marvel hat and we have the, uh, we have that many, uh, dimensions, right? So this would be the Samuel L. Jackson dimension where everybody just says motherfucker all the time. This is the same world. I just want to walk into like the post office, like some old broad, uh, Where’s the stamps, motherfucker? I think that’s the next Budweiser commercial. Yeah. Instead of what’s up. Instead of what’s up. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. I remember going to a nursing home to see my great grandmother. And I thought she was a nice woman until I saw her in her later years. He was like, where’s my motherfucking tapioca? Tapioca, motherfucker! Nobody liked her there. They were just waiting for her to die. After you spent your life waiting, you don’t have any patience for the good stuff. You guys ever eat tapioca? I don’t like tapioca.
I would not say get that tapioca away from me, motherfucker. Stick it up your ass. I’d be like, give me the morphine drip. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Motherfucking morphine. That’s my wife, yeah. That’s my wife’s hospital. Yeah, that’s my wife in the hospital, man. clicking that button. How many times can I push it? This is so good, motherfucker! Wow. That’s a little harsh. I’m sick! I’m sick of it. Motherfucker, I changed my diaper. So, what was your retort? Well, okay, so it’s, you know, it was found. It was found. They had it. Oh, you didn’t have a retort for the motherfucker? Hey, motherfucker? Yeah. Well, come on, man. I mean, you know. It wasn’t really the time. They’re like, hey, did you just say MF-er? Did you just? Did you go, nothing, father lover? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m going to take you right over my knee and settle this. There you go. Yeah. So, all right. So the old guy’s like, oh, all right. I’ll see you later. Bye. He gets up. Yeah, he gets up. He’s getting up. He’s like.
I’m like, oh. What? He cracked a rat, man. He cracked a rat. He’s like, oh. He farted on the way out the door? Yes. Oh, my Lord. What? He was sitting down. He gets up. He’s like, oh. He’s like, oh. It’s like night stock at the supermarket or something. I’m like, I hope he didn’t shit his pants, man. Jesus. A turn too quick. Oopsie. He cracked a rat, man. Oh, my God. It’s like, unless both feet are planted, my butt crack opens up and lets everything out. I don’t know. Yeah. That’s weird. I’m about to shit my pants. I didn’t mean to do it. I was like, you know what? I don’t need to be here anymore. Oh, my God. That’s weird. So what did you do to that? Did you see anything to that? I’m like, oh, Lord. Yeah. What do you do? You got to, like, oh, it’s okay if you shit your pants. That’s all right. Just go ahead and, you know. It’s fine. It’s fine. That’s God’s way of telling you to get your life right because you’re going to see it. Oh, my God’s got it out for babies.
Yeah. They shit themselves all the time. Yeah, no, I don’t know. That’s why i don’t feel bad for them either. If you show them how to sit on the pot and they don’t want to listen, I’m like, oh, you must want to go to heaven early yeah yeah see we all are here because we know what to do. Hopefully all of us know. he hedged his bet on that one hopefully hopefully he’s like, I’m thinking miles may not know what to do you know i hear some wild shit from people, man. I don’t know. He might be the one who’s shitting himself. Just thinking. I had to verify this old lady’s address once. And she goes, well, yeah, I live there. I go, are you sure? She goes, yeah, that’s where we make our porn. I’m like, oh, girl. I’m like, I hope she’s joking. Please, God, let her be joking. Here’s my only fans page. Oh, I thought I was going to throw up when she told me that. I’m like, oh. God rest her soul. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Bob knows I’m an OnlyFans subscriber. Miles, I don’t know that you knew this, but you can actually get on OnlyFans for as little as $3. Yeah. Yeah, Will is an example of being able to. He’s proven it. He got on somebody’s page. Okay, it was a coworker, and she told us in the break room that And she gave us the link, and I was like, I always wanted to see what she looked like naked. So I went on there. So for $3, I got to watch her twerk buck naked and play with dildos all day. No shame in my game. $3. $3. i i think that that’s as little as only fans will allow you to charge. They’re like, if we go lower than this we we feel bad for you we’re gonna call your father. That’s right. So did you critique it? Hey, listen, I was watching that last night and, uh,
You got to resubscribe for the next month. I didn’t resubscribe. She got my whole $3 up out of me for that one month. She had like 150 videos. It was ridiculous. Oh my God. Every day. Look at me playing with myself again and twerking to a Little John song. I’m like… Yeah! I feel bad for them. We could never do that. We could never be like, hey, you want to watch me tell jokes for a month? But you know what? You gave Miles an idea. When he needs $3, he knows where to go now. That’s right. He’s like, any of you fine young things want to see me squeeze my sebaceous cysts? Yeah. You got to wait until it fills up though. Well, that’s why you got to capitalize on the, uh, when the time is right. Cause he, wait, it kind of solidifies. It’s like fibrous. You know, if you let it solidify a little bit, then you unleash it. It’s like, you know, it’s like, it sounds like an old man looking for a bike chain. Yeah. You want to see this scrotum?
The problem with Miles doing OnlyFans is there’s not a wide enough angle on the webcam. I don’t want to see my belly. I mean, you can’t. He has a bit of an issue where you can’t see the meat and potatoes in the same shot. I don’t know how he did that. Well, you’ve revealed this. You said you were in a hot tub, and you got out, and you were like Plastic Man. Yeah, well, it happens. So what? You lost a lot of elasticity in your lower body area. Yeah, it happens, man. I got my gold bond now. Yeah. I’m at that age now. I’m gold bonding it. What’s gold bond doing to your scrote? You get a little swampy down there. Not only do you got the elongation, you got the swamp sensation. Yeah. You got to get the gold bond going. Oh, my. Oh, Lord. I ain’t there yet. I just know I’ve been getting a lot of dick advertisements in my mail telling me, do you want to have a
better direction I’m like, ever since I turned 40, y’all think my dick don’t work? Like, I get plenty of Yeah. And I’m probably gonna take them up on it, because they probably know what they’re talking about. I’m like, alright, I need to get ahead of this problem. I would always I would be cautious with any unsolicited penis advice but that’s the thing, they got my name on the mail, so I’m like, They must know something. They’re always listening, you know. They’re probably the only fans people. Yeah, unfortunately, yeah, whenever you were perusing her 150 picks, you’re like, God, I can’t get it up. Thank you. This is not what I thought it was going to be. I cannot complete. I’m like, okay, give me my $20. $20.
because these magical pills is gonna make me peace in the bedroom. Oh my goodness. But I deal with women older than me, so they don’t want that. They want what i already can’t a 67 year old woman to sleep. That’s called manslaughter. Oh my goodness. So anything else happen in the office, Miles? Did we get to the end of your story? I’m sorry. That was the exciting climax as far as the old man farting and the young head monster talking about what’s up, MF-er. Well, that’s good. Yeah. Will, you want to do my story this week? Because I don’t have a story. Where’s your wheel at? Is your wheel handy? Keep it right over here. Okay. Will has got a wheel. Yeah. How about… There you go. Other way. I can’t see it. There you go. Spin it. Let’s see what it lands on here. I hope it lands on… Give me $20. Oh, fuck. I’m not talking about politics, Will. Oh, please, God. No. I got in trouble last time I talked about politics. Spin it again. Yeah. We’re going to leave it. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your job. Job joke. A job joke. Any job you’ve ever had and something wanted to happen. A job joke. Do you have a job joke, Will, or am I going to come up with one here? Yeah, I’ll go first. I’ll go last. I am Black Sajak. I’ll go last. That’s right. You’re Black Sajak. That’s right. Oh, my goodness. A job joke? Something funny that ever happened at a job. Okay. I’m trying to think. It’s not that funny. It may be political in a way. A number of years ago, I go to a lot of conferences, and I was at a conference, and I don’t know if this is funny or just sad. This woman comes up to me, and she goes, there’s a bomb in the building. Hmm.
I’m a track star. So then, well, I can’t leave, right? So I’m like, what? And she goes, bomb. And then she just kind of walks away. And so then I’m like, what do you do? I mean, this is back. This has been a number of years ago, right? This was this was back just after Oklahoma City bombing. Oh, my God. Yeah. That’s run she looked innocent enough I mean she looked like like a young Sally Struthers. Oh! Or maybe she’s an older Sally Struthers. Yeah. It didn’t have to be funny. This is a weird story. And so the first thing I did when she said it was I looked outside for a cargo van. Because I thought, oh, it’s just like the Oklahoma City bombing.
So my boss comes by shortly after. I go, hey, this lady just told me there’s a bomb in the building. And he goes, what? And so he goes, oh, I’m sure it’s nothing. But let’s go. Don’t tell anyone. Let’s go talk to the hotel people. So we go to the front desk, you know, and believe it or not, this is a very nice hotel. They actually had security. And so then all these guys will walkie talkies show up at the front desk and they’re like, where is she? Where is she? I go, I don’t know. She walked down that way. And, uh, we went into a little bit of a, uh, security thing where, well, I got grilled because I’m the one who said, you know, I heard this lady say this, so I got the third degree. Right. They thought it was you. They thought it was me. Exactly.
And my boss was no help because the boss that I had at the time, he’s retired, but he was one of these people who would, if you’re in a bad conversation, he could just disappear. I mean, you’d be standing there and the next thing he’d know, he’d be like, so Bob, what are you working on? And then I started talking and the next thing I know, it’s just me and the other person that I don’t want to talk to. He was like Batman. He was like Batman. Yeah. He was like a ninja, right? So he kind of ninja it out while I was still getting grilled. And then, uh, they finally went back to look at the video. And they kept me at the front desk, oddly enough, but, uh, they, uh, went to look at the video and then they saw the lady talking to me on the video and then started running around looking for, but we didn’t leave. We didn’t leave. So that was a weird one. Kind of funny.
Kind of weird. It is funny because there were black people there. That building would have been empty. They said it was a what? There was some black people there, so it wasn’t totally, you know. It was a multicultural situation. I’m talking about we evacuated immediately. We didn’t tell anybody. I was told not to talk about it. I was told to shut up. And tell us what you know. Let it happen. Yeah. And so, yeah. So, yeah, that story is probably like, well, how long ago was the Oklahoma City thing? That’s probably 20. Have I ever told that story, Miles? I don’t know. It was totally weird. And the only good thing that happened is I got a hamburger for lunch. Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah, like room service hamburger. They brought it to me because I had to fart around for a long time. Yes. So that was good. Now, what’s yours, Will? All right. It’s not my job. It’s my auntie’s job. Actually, I have an aunt. She worked at the Pentagon. And when 9-11 happened, she was late to work. So she missed all of the action. Oh, no. Seriously? Fortunately, yes. She worked in that building. Wow. So she wasn’t there when it got hit then. She called out with a headache. She’s like, you just don’t… Suspect number one. Holy crap. God told me to stay home. I’m like, that wine told you to stay home. Don’t play. Wilhelmina Charles, number one suspect of the Pentagon. Hell yeah. And I almost…
was another job thing? I almost joined the army and then 9-11 happened. I was 19. I took the test, the physical, everything. And then when i saw the planes hit that building, I said, oh, they ain’t playing um i’m a bitch because i ain’t ready to go fight this country. I just want it. A $20,000 signing bonus. You’re like, shit’s going down now. I’m not signing up. I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m a peacetime recruit. I’m not a wartime recruit. I was going to put on a nice outfit and be fresh, but I was like, nope. A gun? No, I ain’t talking about it. You’re like, I’m only here for the signing bonus and the pussy. That’s it. Yeah. I didn’t mention that.
But yeah, I was like, what Middle East pussy is like? I was thinking the whole time. I was like, I’m going to fuck shit out these bitches. But yeah, didn’t go. So that’s probably for the best. All right, your turn, Miles. I farted in the lobby. No, there was an old guy used to come in. He used to come in on behalf of his son all the time. He’d always on a haggle, you know, like, ah, come on, come on, you know. Oh, my God. I’m not paying full price for these valve stems. Yeah, he’s like, ah, come on, it’s my son, you know, Jethro, you know, you got to give him a break, man. Like, I never met the son of this. It was just all the dad, you know, the dad’s always trying to weasel something, you know. And he’d always, like, come up with some weird shit, though, not related to anything. He goes, uh,
You know what? I know what he goes. I tried out for the 49ers once. I go, you tried out for the San Francisco 49ers. You’re about five feet tall and weigh about 250 pounds and you’re okay. He’s like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to run upstairs like Rocky and stuff and you wouldn’t believe it. And I’m like, uh, okay. I don’t know. I mean, this guy was pretty old, you know? I’m like you. All right. He goes, come here. He goes. He kind of, like, flexes his arm. He goes, I want you to feel my bicep. Oh, God. Did you really touch him? I go, listen, all right, a sail’s a sail. All right, listen. A sail’s a sail. Oh, my God. I go, okay, one finger won’t, you know, won’t hurt. So I take my finger. I go, wow, that’s pretty hard, dude. He’s like, yeah, huh? Okay, he’s not done. Now he pats himself in the belly.
Uh-oh. Go ahead. I go, go ahead, what? He goes, touch this. I’m like, oh. Oh, no. Did you guys have a little, did you guys fall in love? Yeah. Yeah, that’s hard, too. These balls are made of steel. Yeah, I know. I didn’t know where this was going. I go, okay, one more time, and I’m done, man. This is all right. I go, I stick out my finger again. I go, wow, you got abs of steel there. I go, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. Please, God, let it end, man. This is getting weird. Did you show him your belly? Because you love to do that. No, I didn’t have anything to brag about. Have you got pants on? He was wearing a kilt. Nah, this guy was just crazy. He was a Scottish guy wearing a kilt. And he was a genius, too. He goes, you know what? He goes, I invented magnetic shoelaces. And I’m selling these to NASA.
Why would they need shoelaces on NASA? I don’t know. They invented Velcro, NASA did. That’s what they have Velcro. Oh, no, no. Well, he was trying to get them to get up by magnetic shoelaces. Velcro, shit. Got to have magnets. Get lower. Get on your knees, Miles. Look at this. Why don’t you fill these magnetic shoes? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. I think that’s the end of the show right there when Miles gets his mouth full. Yeah. Get down there. Check me soon.