Crab Chat

I put my balls in Dinga's jaw

Finance Tiiiiiiiings

TIRUBANL! This week Simon and The Long Boi go head to head and discuss the league's misconduct

Surprise motherfucker

Come on down to Farmer Zac’s piglet farm. We’ve got piglets of all positions and sizes. You can do all sorts of things with them: race em, swim in the pool with them. We guarantee you won’t stop having fun at Zac’s Piglet Farm

Flagmantle

All my life I've been good Do what my mom and dad and God say I should

Go to church and Bible School

To live by God's rule

So whatever people tell me

That The Bible tells me

I will do

Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring

Unlike those other girls, I've got my morals in check

It was easy to do 'til I got a boyfriend

And pardon my French, but he's cute as heck

But I made a pact to keep my hymen intact

And Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and bees

I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees

'Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong

But Jason says that, "Guys can't wait that long"

I don't want to lose him

To someone who'll do him

I might need to figure something out

Well there's a loophole in The Scripture that works really well

So I can get him off without going to hell

It's my Hail Mary, full of grace

In Jesus' name, we go to fifth base!

Oh, thank you for making me holy

And thank you for giving me holes to choose from

And since I'm not a Godless whore

He'll have to come in the back door

Therefore

Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus

The good Lord would want it that way

Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization

It's just between you and me

'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see

It's hard to be as pure as me

To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity

To wait until my marriage bed

To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead

So take your cock out

Shove it in my ass

Fuck me until you cum

Oops! I mean let's join our souls and unite our bodies

And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris

If you ring Satan's doorbell, God can't ignore this

And no prophylactics when you put it in

'Cause birth control's for sluts and it's a sin

I've emptied my bowels

And laid out the towels

I'm ready for romance

Now I'm praying to the Power that's the Highest

But of all of my holes, this one's the driest

And we can't procreate if we anally copulate

And God's OK with sodomy, but only if you're straight

And I'm staying pure, no matter what

So I'm OK with everything but...

Everything but...

Everything but...

Whoa, fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus

The good Lord would want it that way

Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization

It's just between you and me

'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see

I do whatever The Bible tells me to

Except for the parts that I choose to ignore

Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient

But the rest I live by for sure

So let's not talk about how the Good Book bans shellfish, polyester and divorce

And how it condones slavery and killing gays

'Cause those parts don't count, of course

Let's cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry and mine it for ambiguities and omissions

To circumvent any real sacrifice

But still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

And don't you dare question my convictions

And don't look closely at the contradictions

Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion

And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

As the only way to measure if you're good or not

And in a debate, just say, "To have faith"

Because when you're up against logic, it's the only card you've got

So close your eyes, take a deep breath and...

Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus

Quarter Time

Commissioner Thomas

Jaidyn Stephenson is today's Worpel