Crafting Solutions to Conflict

The tragic fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris highlighted some positive lessons to reduce conflict and mitigate damage. Control what you can. Adopt the good, though not perfect, solution. Start the process of improving a proposed plan, with a goal and a timeframe.

From life in an intentional community with his young family to his current passion as a patient-caregiver activist, Danny van Leeuwen, aka Health Hats, has had an appreciation for governance.

Finding a way to broach the subject of an ongoing simmering conflict can be difficult; creating a catalyst can help. If there is a time-limited opportunity to address the conflict, or a deadline imposed from the outside, it might be fairly easy. Otherwise, how do we get past an implicit or explicit “why now”? It may work to use a specific date like Reconciliation Day (see the April 2 bonus episode), to mention an article, video or podcast on conflict, or to refer to others who have faced the same situation.

Denial can be an easy approach to conflict, but not a very good one. Pretending that there is no conflict or that an admitted conflict has no negative impact is rarely effective. Recognizing that a conflict exists and that it is doing real damage is important. You can then determine what the conflict is costing you – the first step in deciding if you want to address the conflict and attempt to resolve it.

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, offers more insights on effective interpersonal communication. Today’s episode is part two of my conversation with Bruce. Don’t miss part one, which is the regularly scheduled episode just before this one. (There’s a bonus episode in between because that covers a time-sensitive topic.)

Advice columnist Ann Landers declared April 2 as Reconciliation Day for family and friends. Thirty years ago, a reader wrote in to the syndicated columnist and suggested that a day be set aside for family and friends to extend – and to accept – the olive branch of reconciliation on a day named Reconciliation Day. Three years later, Ann Landers declared it an annual tradition.

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, explores communication mindset and a number of factors that can help us communicate more effectively. This episode is part one of my conversation with Bruce. There was so much good – as in practical and positive – information that I decided to deliver it in easy-to-digest bites. In part one, Bruce talks about some specific ideas about communication, including the importance of ensuring that the message you intend to send is the one received, as well as ideas about how to do that, including considering, thoughtfully, the particular person we want to understand our message. We also talked about the concept of the talking stick, literally, figuratively, and in video communications, and how useful it can be to the speaker, the listeners, and the group as a whole. All of these ideas are useful in preventing damaging conflict. You can reach Bruce at http://www.hammerassociatesllc.com / or 516.776.0236.

The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday in 1998, brought an end to The Troubles – violence that had plagued Ireland for thirty years. A very powerful and positive illustration of conflict resolution! Former US Senator George Mitchell played an essential role in bringing the parties together to reach agreement. His comments about conflict are inspirational: "I believe there's no such thing as a conflict that can’t be ended. They’re created and sustained by human beings. They can be ended by human beings. No matter how ancient the conflict, no matter how hateful, no matter how hurtful, peace can prevail.”

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Benjamin Franklin is credited with coining this phrase, in the context of comparing fire prevention costs to the costs of dealing with the consequences of fire. Destructive conflict can be seen the same way: prevention can be less costly – in a number of ways – than dealing with the consequences. Some practical approaches to prevention can be worth the effort.

Tara is an experienced litigator, based in White Plains, NY. When we spoke, Tara had recently completed mediation training with Brad Heckman and Christine Daly at the New York Peace Institute. https://nypeace.org/ The Institute is a respected provider of mediation training and conflict resolution services, based in NYC. Although Tara has frequently represented clients in mediations where she serves as their advocate, this training provided a new perspective for her -- and a new view on conflict. Tara compares this type of mediation to the type she has known as a defense attorney, and the difference between serving as an advocate and serving as a neutral third-party. We also discussed her interest in special education and advocating for persons with disabilities. You can reach Tara through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tarafappiano/