Crazy in Love

When the early romance settles down, the realities of building a life together start to emerge. Money, privacy, career ambitions, children, education and family expectations can all become sources of tension.

In this episode, Matt and Graham explore why couples often leave these important conversations until it's too late, how seemingly small differences can reveal much bigger differences in values, and why being in a relationship doesn't mean having to share absolutely everything.

We discuss:

• How much privacy and independence should you retain in a relationship?
• Should couples share everything, including phones, finances and personal history?
• What happens when you have very different attitudes to money, ambition and career?
• Why attraction and choosing someone to build a life with aren't necessarily the same thing.
• How to navigate disagreements about children, schools and major life decisions.
• Why trying to persuade your partner to agree with you can make things worse.

The aim isn't to agree on everything or eliminate every source of friction. It's to understand what matters to each of you, have better conversations and make decisions together without resentment building up along the way.

Because love is important. But it doesn't automatically resolve the practical business of building a life together.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

Having children puts enormous demands on a relationship. More childcare, more responsibility, less time together and, often, two people who are running on fumes by the end of the day.

In this episode of Crazy in Love, Matt and Graham look at why modern parenting can leave couples feeling disconnected, resentful and increasingly like they're on different teams. And why the usual relationship advice to spend more time together can feel pretty useless when there simply aren't enough hours in the day.

We explore whether we're expecting too much of ourselves as parents, why we might need to scale back some of the things we ask of our children, and how a few practical changes to family life could create more space for the relationship.

We also get into the uncomfortable stuff: why some parents find it so hard to set boundaries, why keeping the kids happy can sometimes come at the expense of your partner, and whether the children are really the reason you're not spending time together.

The central idea is a simple one: you can't keep adding more to an already full life. Sometimes, you need to take something away.

We discuss how to make that happen, how to experiment with small changes, and why being a good parent doesn't mean making sure your children are happy with every decision you make.

If you're finding that family life is taking over your relationship, this is a practical conversation about what you might need to do differently.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

What does a good relationship actually look like?

Couples therapists spend a lot of time talking about what goes wrong in relationships. But what if we turned the question around?

In this episode of Crazy in Love, Graham Johnston and Matt Wotton look at what a genuinely healthy relationship looks like — not a perfect relationship, not one without conflict, and certainly not one where two people magically meet all of each other’s needs.

Instead, they work through 12 qualities of a psychologically healthy relationship, from being able to tolerate your partner’s imperfections and accept that your memory isn't always the whole truth, to handling criticism without immediately going on the defensive, asking for what you actually want, and accepting that some differences simply can't be solved.

They also tackle some of the more uncomfortable ideas that often get missed in relationship advice: you don't get to complain about something you haven't asked for; independence isn't a betrayal; conflict is inevitable; fairness doesn't necessarily mean 50/50; and your relationship probably shouldn't be a permanent self-improvement project.

There’s plenty here that couples will recognise — and probably a few things they won't agree with.

So, what actually makes a relationship work? This is our attempt to answer that question.

You can find the list of 12 qualities here.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

Do you really need to turn towards your partner all the time?

We’re told that good relationships are built on closeness. Turn towards each other. Share your feelings. Let your partner be your safe haven. Hold each other tighter.

And, obviously, there’s a lot of truth in that.

But what if we’ve taken it too far?

In this episode, Matt and Graham make the case for space — and why wanting time alone, privacy, independence or the company of other people doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is turn towards your partner.

Sometimes it’s to turn away.

And knowing the difference might be more important than we think.

We talk about intimacy, dependency, independence, friendship, family, positive emotions, introspection — and why some perfectly healthy relationship behaviours get pathologised simply because they don’t fit the usual story about what a “good couple” looks like.

Because being close to someone doesn’t mean you have to do everything with them.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

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We worry we sometimes confuse our listeners with mixed messages.

We say: don't be a jerk. Don't sweat the small stuff. Bite you tongue unless something really matters. Be careful not to endlessly whine and moan at your partner.

We also say: when something bothers you, speak up early, do it directly but without heat, and ask for what you want.

What do we really mean? And how do you make your way through this tricky terrain?

All this and more in this episode.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

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Matt thinks everything can be boiled down to ABC. Acknowledge. Build. Counter. It fits the bill for the argument about household chores. It fits the bill for the difficult conversation about whether to send the kids to private school. It fits the bill for a lovely, positive conversation about holiday destinations.

Graham is more sceptical. Can such a simple, slightly artificial formula genuinely offer a model for pretty much every conversation between two grown adults? As you'll hear, by the end of the episode, he's come around to everything being as easy as ABC.

We also discussed two other formulas in the episode. The Gottmans' X, Y, Z model and Marc Brackett's RULER model for emotional regulation.

Subscribe and leave a review if you love what we're doing with the podcast!

You can work with Graham here.

You can work with Matt here.

It's Episode 50!

To celebrate, we're shining a sceptical spotlight on the age-old trope of blaming the parents (especially the mum).

It's a familiar story in psychology literature. Bad parenting causes schizophrenia. Bad parenting causes depression. Bad parenting causes insecure attachment. Bad parenting maybe even causes autism.

What's the truth behind the claims? And even where there are nuggets of truth, what can you do to take responsibility of your own future and improve your relationships?

You can work with Graham at www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt at www.matwotton.com

Leave us a review, subscribe, and share the pod with your friends and family if you like what we're doing.

Here's to the next 50 episodes!

We like to think of ourselves - and our relationships - as complex. Surely if we're bright, capable, successful people with relationship problems, those problems must be multi-faceted and sophisticated. Maybe it's due to our attachment styles and complicated personal histories?

Matt and Graham argue that, in a lot of cases, simple changes in behaviours transform relationships.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

Do leave us a review if you like what we're doing with the podcast.

When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself?

The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical.

“Talk about your feelings.”

“Be vulnerable.”

“Express your needs.”

“Co-regulate.”

But, maybe this has got things the wrong way around. Maybe becoming overly dependent on your partner’s approval, agreement, validation or emotional state isn't healthy. Maybe you're more likely to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up (or is constantly propping you up). Maybe the task to tolerate your own distress without demanding your partner fix it; not to connect more, but to tolerate discomfort without controlling or manipulating the other.

Matt and Graham explore these difficult questions in today's episode.

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You can work with Graham here: https://www.grahamjohnston.uk/

You can work with Matt here: https://www.matwotton.com/

Logic, emotional detachment, quick decisions, a problem-solving mindset - all very useful much of the time in the workplace.

But are those same skills, when seen as the go-to set of skills at home too often, a handicap against excellent relationships?

After all, we're often told that relationships require curiousity, emotional engagement, patience, a prioritising of feelings over solutions.

Matt & Graham delve into these issues in today's episodes, with some disagreement along the way.

If you like the podcast, please leave a review and subscribe.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk.

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com.

And you can contact the pod at [email protected].