Big "T" trauma. Little "t" trauma. The likes of Gabor Maté and Bessel Van Der Kolk have brought the understanding of trauma far beyond the field of mental health and into everyday life.

But what actually is trauma? How does it impact people's personalities?

If everything difficult is labelled trauma, does that dilute our understanding and treatment of it?

And, of course - how does trauma manifest in relationships? What are the links between trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences? Between trauma and attachment styles?

How do couples deal with their trauma in healthy ways?

All this and more covered by Graham and Matt in this episode of Crazy In Love.

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Relationships aren't fragile. They need healthy stress to make them strong.

In this episode, Matt and Graham explore how the language of emotional regulation and safe spaces - imported from therapy rooms and HR departments - has reshaped what many now expect from their closest relationships. For many couples, modern love means no raised voices and gentle communication. Conflict and arguments are seen as a failure.

What gets lost in the push for comfort is any room for challenge; for the difficult-but-essential conversations that allow you to grow together.

Good relationships aren’t low-conflict; they’re high-repair. Connection grows from working through things, not avoiding it. Conflict isn’t the problem—how you handle it is.

The Psychology Today blogpost they discuss is available here.

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Give us a review on your podcast player of choice and please spread the word if you're enjoying the pod.

In this episode, Matt and Graham explore the limits of empathy in relationships. Can empathy ever be anything but positive?

Yes. In lots of ways. Drawing on the work of Canadian psychologist Paul Bloom, Matt and Graham talk about how empathy limit connection, make us like those who are more like us in various ways, and prioritise experience over truth.

Are they fully Against Empathy? Find out by listening....

You can buy Paul Bloom's book here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0062339338

Most of the initial enquiries we receive as couples therapists come from women. A lot of the men in those couples come into our consulting rooms full of doubt and fear.

And why wouldn't they, given roughly 80% of counsellors and therapists are women, and an industry culture of left-leaning safe spaces and lived experience empowerment? Men are often made to feel like inferior women in couples work - out of touch with their feelings; too practical; too focused on individual responsibility.

In this episode of Crazy In Love, Matt and Graham explore why men avoid couples therapy, and what we can do to show up more often, and save their relationships.

Contact us at [email protected].

50% of marriages end in divorce, right?

Well, no: the stat is wrong. And more importantly, it distorts how we see relationships, undermines our sense of agency, and obscures what’s actually happening.

The idea dates back to the divorce spike of the ’70s and ’80s. Legal reforms in the UK and the U.S. fueled a surge in divorce; the numbers rose dramatically, and commentators noticed. If divorce rates kept rising, half of all marriages would end. That was the claim.

But it didn't happen - and believing that relationships are simply a toss of a coin undermines how much effort people put in.

So in what mindset should you approach relationships instead? How do you ensure they have lasting success?

Matt and Graham explore the messy territory of divorce, co-habiting, break-ups and relationship success in today's episode.

The Psychology Today blog they discuss is available here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202506/the-one-statistic-everyone-misunderstands-about-divorce

This is a podcast about modern relationships. And what could be more modern than AI?

Matt and Graham discuss chatbots in today's episode, and consider whether it's possible to develop a relationship with an unconscious machine. And if not, why not?

They considered this New York Times article about Eugene Torres, who started using ChatGPT to help with his financial spreadsheets, and ended up getting advice to stop using his psychiatric medication, and embrace his unique identity as a Breaker, advice which almost killed him:

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/13/technology/chatgpt-ai-chatbots-conspiracies.html

They also consider this CBS News interview with Chris Smith, who was so concerned his chatbot was going to erase its memory, he proposed to it:

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1450094562839905

Roger Federer missed 46% of the shots he took in his career. A decent professional baseball player fails 7 out of every 10 times they're at bat. Michael Jordan missed thousands of shots in his career.

Elite sports - like most of life - involves routine failure. You're not going to eliminate failure even if you tried.

The same is true of relationships. And yet we tell ourselves silly stories about things needing to feel perfect, that if we're arguing or if we have different personalities, we should think about breaking up.

Instead, Matt and Graham explore how to lean in to relationship imperfections, and how they can actually help a relationship thrive and grow.

How do you know if you're with the right person?

How do you know whether you should ask them to marry you?

Charles Darwin, that beacon of rationality, took a very logical approach to his decision to marry his cousin, Emma Wedgwood, making a list of all the pros and cons of getting married.

The results are hilarious. But simply trusting our gut doesn't work either. So what should we do?

Graham and Matt work their way through this tricky ground in today's episode based on this Psychology Today blogpost:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202504/is-a-wife-is-better-than-a-dog-the-basis-for-a-good-marriage

Matt and Graham bring the party-pooper vibe to romantic relationships again in this episode with the claim that long-term relationships are no fun, and they're not meant to be.

Most films and songs about love tend to stop at the first kiss, the sprint through the airport. We're crazy in love. Our lovers complete us.

But that stage fades. It’s supposed to. If it didn’t, you’d die of exhaustion or lose your job. What replaces it—if you stick around—is something less exciting but more real.

Where are the stories and narratives about the realities of long-term romance? How do you make love last? Why is it worth the effort? That's the focus for today's episode of Crazy In Love.

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Here is the link to the blogpost discussed in today's episode:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202504/long-term-relationships-are-no-fun

The "Let Them" Theory from Mel Robbins has been embraced by millions across the globe, sparking thousands of Instagram and TikTok videos, and many tattoos.

Mel Robbins' book of the same name asks a simple question: what if the key to happiness, success, and love was as simple as two words?

In simple terms, if you're overwhelmed, angry or frustrated, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you give to other people. And two simple words―Let Them―will set you free.

But is that too simple? Is it just ancient Buddhist and Stoic wisdom wrapped up in contemporary self-care? What happens when people hurt us, or act in ways contrary to our values? What do we do then?

Matt and Graham dive into "Let Them" this episode, and seek to make sense of a global phenomenon.

Let Them mantra; https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/p/C7O-KhCyIyE/?hl=en-gb

Let Them tattoos: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/p/DEOApA0vmR3/seeing-so-many-of-you-get-let-them-permanently-inked-on-your-body-is-proof-of-ju/?hl=en&img_index=1

The Serenity Prayer: https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/magazines/the-serenity-prayer/