Today we are going to create a Must-Have list. Defining your Must-Haves' can help keep you on track in the search for a great partner. It’s important to consider what you want before starting any relationship. 

It’s much easier to get swayed by a person who doesn’t have the qualities and values you’re seeking if you haven’t considered what’s most important to you upfront. Not having a list may steal time and energy away from finding someone who is a better fit, and could leave you in a long-term relationship with someone who isn’t a good match.

What I didn’t want to do was go out on a Friday night, meet someone who was really cute and made me laugh, and then let that excitement try to drive a relationship that wasn’t a good fit. Yet this is the way many new relationships start.

What I was looking for in a mate differed completely from what I was looking for when I was young. I had grown a lot and had many experiences since then. So, why would I want to seek out a relationship in the same way as I would have when I was a kid?

What had my experiences shown me? What did I know about myself that I didn’t know when I was younger? How did I want a future relationship to differ from my previous ones?

Taking these questions, and adding them to what I’d shared with you in last week’s episode, we will began building a vision of what you want in a relationship. 

Could I find someone who could match up? I wasn’t sure, but I knew that these were important characteristics that went far beyond what our music tastes or favorite movies were. 

What characteristics would someone that fit well with me naturally have?

When I met someone new, I was tied up in the emotion and excitement of the moment. We all have busy lives, and even in the best of situations, I might get to spend a few hours a week getting to know them. Keeping a list of the things that were of great importance meant that I didn’t miss out on anything in the moments I was spending with them. 

I could use that list as a reminder to ask questions and steer conversation in the right direction to better understand this person. I didn’t use my list as an interrogation tool, but as a reminder to weave these areas of importance into conversations that helped me assess critical characteristics and values. 

Your list, whether a paper list or a digital note, is a way of staying on track, and not missing out on the small details that can get overlooked in the excitement. It will help you stay grounded to what’s most important to you, so you can make objective decisions in the face of incoming information and excitement. 

Science tells us that, while we like to think we make logical decisions, we often base decisions on emotion. What you feel in your heart is important. But you need to be able to counterbalance that with rational decision-making to create long-term happiness together. 

In his book, The Five Love Languages, the Secret to Love That Lasts, Gary Chapman tells us of research done by Dorothy Tennov on the feeling of being in love. 

Dr. Tennov’s research found that the in-love experience lasts about two years. So when you eventually come down out of the clouds (and you will), you want to be happy with the decisions you’ve made. 

Today, we will look at the characteristics and values that you deem most important.

What traits are important to you in another person? 
What core values are you looking for in a mate?