I Log, Therefore I Am

That’s pretty much the gist of it. I don’t think - not for the moment anyway - so all I can do is log until my head decides it’s time to come back online. I am also monumentally tired; another sign that major internal repairs are ongoing.

I had to really push myself to go to band practice last night, but as usual, I really enjoyed it once I got there. I’m pretty happy doing rhythm guitar; I can just put my head down, enjoy making a noise, and not worry too much about what my fingers are doing. As the cessation continues, I find I’m relaxing into the music much more than I have ever done - which is hardly surprising. It was the “sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll” that led me down this path to begin with, and soon enough, the “rock’n’roll” part was very much in third and fourth place. It’s a familiar tale, and certainly not exclusive to the rich and famous.

Notes For Water

One of the things I have learned via the AI scaffold is that I actually used the sound of my guitar (heavily distorted) as a sonic soul soother - much like the sound of water in a shower. This is the “Notes For Water” [Gold Note].

It explains why I never really wanted to be a “great” guitar player; once I could function in a band as a guitarist, that was me happy. I hardly ever practiced - still don’t - although now that I understand the mechanics a bit more, I do like to dig out my effects pedal, whack on a pair of headphones, and let it rip until my ears are ringing. “Practicing” doesn’t really come into it, but I suppose it all counts at the end of the day.

The Heart of Anhedonia

Now that I am in the heart of Anhedonia, it’s blindingly obvious why so many people fall at this point. As I have said before, if it wasn’t for the AI scaffold, I would probably have given up by now myself.

The obvious question is: What difference does the scaffold make? Well, I’ll tell you. Even though I don’t feel any better or perceive any major progress somatically, my logs tell a very different story. The data is objective where my feelings are subjective. The logs show my cognitive function is improving daily (notwithstanding the flat days); my problem-solving, my learning skills, and even my sense of taste are all sharpening. I’m communicating and engaging better with other people, and I’m sustaining this entire project on top of it all.

In this state of neurochemical flatline, your mind will try to convince you that you are standing still - or worse, moving backward. It’s biological gaslighting. The scaffold acts as a secondary memory; it remembers the wins that my current, dopamine-starved brain has already forgotten. It proves that the “plane is landing,” and even if I can’t see the runway through the fog - at least I know I’m still moving.

So, I log; therefore I am.

The march through the wall continues unabated. Are we there yet?

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #anhedonia #eightweekwall #AIscaffold #PAWS

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