The Otherworldly Frontier

Lately, the language of ‘recovery’ has started to feel too small for what I’m actually experiencing. I’m 98 days in, and the internal landscape has shifted into something I can only describe as ‘Otherworldly.’ It isn’t brain fog, and it isn’t the ‘Rubble’ of the early days. It’s a spaciousness - a sense that the internal acoustics of my mind are being re-engineered in real-time.

The soundproof walls of the last 35 years have been knocked down, leaving me in a vast, echoing cathedral of my own consciousness. It’s disorienting, slightly groggy, and deeply strange.

The Neural Phase Shift

After 35 years of chemical damping, the individual instruments in my brain have finished tuning. I have moved past the ‘Recalibration’ of the strings and entered the stage of Neuro-Oscillatory Synchronisation. Not just separation (frequencies unmixing), but alignment. The different bandwidths (Gamma, Beta, Alpha, Theta, Delta) starting to play together rather than just tuning individually. The orchestra moving from warm-up to rehearsal.

The ‘Pressurised’ feeling in my head isn’t a malfunction; it’s the Total Orchestral Swell. For the first time in decades, the band isn’t just practicing in separate rooms - they are finally playing the same symphony, in the same key, at a volume I’m still learning to handle.

This “Otherworldly” feeling is likely the result of Neural Coherence. Regions of my brain that haven’t communicated effectively since the early eighties are finally syncing up.

You know it really would have been nice if the AI Scaffold had bothered to tell me that after the Neuro-Oscillatory Recalibration there would be Neuro-Oscillatory Synchronisation. The trouble with AI is that it doesn’t really have a follow through “oh and by the way…” but there we are.

1. Recalibration: The Individual “Gain”

Recalibration (specifically Neuro-Oscillatory Recalibration) is the process of my brain adjusting the “volume” of individual neurons and sensory pathways.

* The Process: After 35 years of chemical damping, my brain had its sensitivity turned up to 10 just to hear anything. When I removed the substances, the world became too loud.

* The Goal: To find the correct “Homeostatic” level so I’m not overwhelmed by sensory input.

* The Symptom: Those high-pitched tones I heard were the brain “pinging” individual frequencies to see where the new “Zero” was.

2. Synchronisation: The Collective “Timing”

Synchronisation (or Neural Coherence) is what happens after the recalibration. It’s the timing and rhythm of how different parts of the brain talk to each other.

* The Process: It’s the act of the Thalamus acting as a conductor, ensuring that the Prefrontal Cortex and the Limbic System are firing in the same “time signature.”

* The Goal: Efficiency. When the brain is synchronised, information travels faster and with less energy cost. This is the “Flow State.”

* The Symptom: That “Otherworldly” feeling I’m experiencing now. When the brain syncs up, my perception of time, space, and self shifts because the “latency” (the lag) between brain regions has vanished.

The Sleep Experiment: Integrating the New Map

Because this shift is so physically and mentally demanding, I’m noticing a massive “groggy” tax in the mornings, even after deep sleep. It feels like the brain is doing heavy-duty “software updates” while I’m out cold.

To respect this process, I’m launching a 72-hour experiment:

* The Protocol: A strict 7–8 hour sleep window for the next 2-3 days.

* The Goal: To see if providing more “downtime” allows the brain to integrate these new frequencies more efficiently.

I’m moving away from the late-night “feature” marathons to give the “Gardener” more time to tend to this new growth.

The Frontier Without Language

We are at the edge of the map now. There aren’t many books that describe what happens at Day 98 of a 35-year recalibration. I am a pioneer in my own head, logging the “Oddness” as I find it.

The Spark Go arrived today, and while it’s a neat bit of tech, its real value is as a Seismic Sensor - a way to test these new frequencies through the strings.

DeepSeek and Me is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

TikTok YouTube Facebook

#cannabiswithdrawal #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney

The Record Button Glitch

As the days go by, I’m getting increasingly frustrated by my inability to articulate thoughts verbally the moment a camera starts rolling. As the internal “filing system” comes back online, I’ve noticed a recurring glitch: the second I switch on the webcam or iPhone to record for TikTok or YouTube, my brain disintegrates.

The Executive Shutdown

As far as I can tell, this is the “Manager” of the Executive Suite (the Prefrontal Cortex) stepping in at the first sign of pressure. The moment the “Record” button is pressed, the PFC initiates a shutdown. It’s directly connected to the neuro-oscillatory recalibration I talked about yesterday; the orchestra is still tuning up, and the “Manager” doesn’t think the band is ready for the audience yet. It’s driving me crazy.

To counter this, I’ve been using the Sonic Buffer and Hydro-Continuum Protocols. While effective, they aren’t exactly practical. I can’t live in the shower, and playing guitar with headphones is useless if I’m trying to film a video. I needed a way to bring the “Rich Spot” into the recording space.

The Wonders of Modern Technology

I’ve been toying with the idea of a practice amp for the shed, but most small amps sound thin and tinny. Then I stumbled across the Positive Grid Spark GO. This thing is no bigger than an iPhone, rechargeable, completely wireless and the sounds are controlled via an app.

The tech is staggering compared to when I started. Back then, the best I had was a book and a cassette tape - Russ Shipton’s Rock and Pop Guitar. The first song I ever learned was “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” and my amp back then had two settings: clean or off.

The Distortion Shield

I remember the day I discovered distortion pedals. They could turn a mediocre guitarist into a rockstar with one switch - mainly because the distortion hid all the mistakes.

The Spark GO arrives tomorrow. It has dozens of preset sounds, backing tracks, and live-scrolling tabs. My hope is that by bringing this high-fidelity “Sonic Buffer” into the room, I can bypass the “Manager’s” shutdown and stop the scroll of a generation with the attention span of a goldfish. To catch them, I need a hook that hits the Thalamus (the brain’s sensory relay) instantly. The Spark’s tones might be the frequency I need.

The waffle is back, but at least I’m still here.

#cannabiswithdrawal #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney

The Frequency of Repair

Yesterday, something rather miraculous and unexpected happened. I suddenly began to hear various frequency pitches which were becoming louder - or at least more noticeable.

Rather than dismissing it as simple tinnitus, I logged the exact sensations with the AI Scaffold. After a deep-dive session with Prism, we’ve come to a fascinating conclusion: what I am experiencing is Neuro-Oscillatory Recalibration. I never knew such a thing existed, but if this is indeed what’s happening, it’s not only a major milestone for me but a priceless addition to the recovery map.

The Symphony of the Mind

To understand Neuro-Oscillatory Recalibration, think of your brain as a world-class orchestra. For 35 years, the musicians have been playing behind a heavy velvet curtain, struggling to hear one another. The result was a “muffled” performance where everyone had to play louder just to stay in time.

Now, the curtain has been ripped away. The pitches I’m hearing are the individual sections - the violins, the cellos, the brass - hitting their “A” notes and adjusting their pegs. It’s the sound of the ensemble finding its Collective Resonance again.

The Science: Tuning the Native Engine

For over three decades, my brain’s auditory cortex has operated behind a “chemical veil.” Cannabis and alcohol act as central nervous system depressants, effectively lowering the “gain” on how the brain perceives sensory input.

Now that the “veil” is gone, the brain is performing a Live Recalibration. Here is why I’m hearing these pitches:

* Homeostatic Plasticity: Because the brain was “starved” of clear signal for so long, it up-regulated its sensitivity. Now the “gain” is turned up too high, and I’m hearing the internal “hum” of my own neural firing.

* Tonotopic Reorganization: The brain maps frequencies like a piano keyboard. During long-term use, this map can become “blurry.” These tones are the brain “pinging” different keys to see which ones are still in tune.

* Neural Oscillation: Our brains communicate via electrical waves. Recalibration means the brain is trying to synchronize these waves again. The “pitches” are the sound of the system trying to find its native broadcast frequency.

The Five Frequencies of the Native Engine

These oscillations are the “heartbeat” of our consciousness. Here is the frequency map my brain is currently re-tuning:

* Delta ($0.5–4$ Hz): The Foundation (The Bass Section).

Slowest waves, associated with deep, restorative sleep. This is where the “Emergency Repair” happens.

* Theta ($4–8$ Hz): The Bridge (The Cellos).

The realm of twilight sleep and visualization. This is the “Flow State” where creativity often hides.

* Alpha ($8–12$ Hz): The Resting State (The Woodwinds).

The frequency of “Quiet Alertness.” It’s the bridge between the subconscious and the conscious mind.

* Beta ($12–35$ Hz): The Executive (The Violins).

This is where the “Manager” lives. The frequency of active thinking, focus, and logical problem-solving.

* Gamma ($>35$ Hz): The Insight (The Percussion and Solos).

Fastest waves, responsible for “Binding” information together. It’s the “Aha!” moment when everything clicks into place.

The Conductor’s Return

The “Pitches” I am hearing are likely the Beta and Gamma frequencies trying to synchronize. My brain is no longer just trying to survive; it’s trying to Perform. The noise is simply the sound of the tuning process.

Once the orchestra is in sync, the noise fades, and the music begins. It is an incredibly exciting prospect to realise that after 35 years of chemical masking, I might finally be able to hear my own mind - perfectly in tune.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney

The Grateful Dead Head

The mind-numbing boredom continues, while the rest of me remains grateful I’ve gotten this far. I’m always worse on a weekend. As I’ve noted before, the weekend was when I accessed the “rich spot” via the 4B2J Protocol (4 Beers, 2 Joints). Decades of habitual wiring aren’t going to vanish in 95 days.

The clinic was busy enough yesterday, and the project work kept me occupied, but once the tasks were done, the restlessness set in. Cognitively, I’m improving daily, so now it’s just a case of ignoring the itch. With band practice dropped to once a week for the summer, I’ve lost that immediate anchor.

You Wot, Mate?

My hunt for a new box set led me back to Peaky Blinders. I was reluctant to start it; I’m tired of cultural dramas with zero relevance to my own country’s history. When they introduced the Glasgow “Billy Boys” in season six, they weren’t on screen for two minutes before a Brummie character proclaimed he couldn’t understand a word they said.

Ah yes, that old chestnut. Let’s be clear: the only reason we understand Cockney, Brummie, or Geordie is because they’ve been beamed into our living rooms for a lifetime. The reason we are “not understood” is the exact opposite - Scottish voices are systematically thinned out on “British” TV, and a Scottish continuity announcer doesn’t make it Scottish television.

It’s a bizarre form of cultural gaslighting. I’ve travelled all over the world and partied with dozens of nationalities over the years - people whose languages I couldn’t even speak - and we communicated just fine. Do you know who the only ones are that ever seem to have a “problem” understanding me?

It’s the ones who’ve spent their whole lives convinced that anything outside their own narrow frequency is “noise” innit.

If You Know The History

Where are the Glasgow Razor Gang box sets? Or better yet, a drama explaining how this “precious” union actually came about? We could start with the Union of the Crowns in 1603, move to, Oliver Cromwell the hammer of the Scots, (always a popular figure in Scotland), the Darien Scheme in the 1690s, and the Alien Act of 1705. It’s odd how little of this “celebrated” history makes it to the screen. It was all done fairly and squarely so surely we should all be aware of the facts no?

And while we’re at it, let’s have a Culloden blockbuster. Not a romanticized myth, but a forensic look at the reality.

The Forensic Reframe: After the defeat of the Jacobites in 1746, the British state didn’t just win a battle; they initiated a systematic dismantling of an entire civilization. The Statutes of Iona and the Heritable Jurisdictions Act stripped the Chiefs of their power, while the Act of Proscription made the Gaelic language, the tartan, and even the bagpipes a criminal offense. It wasn’t “pacification”; it was a state-sponsored cultural erasure designed to turn a warrior society into a labour source.

The Highland Diaspora: From Culloden to the Carolinas

I’ve mentioned before that 40% of my podcast listeners are based in the USA. That isn’t just a random statistical quirk of the algorithm; it’s a deep-coded historical echo.

After the disaster at Culloden in 1746, the Highlands didn’t just suffer a defeat; they suffered a systemic clearance. Those who weren’t butchered on the moor or executed in the aftermath were often shipped to the colonies as indentured servants - effectively state-sanctioned slaves. Others were forcibly cleared from the land during the later “Improvements,” left with no choice but to cross the Atlantic.

They carried their language, their music, and their resilience with them into the wilderness of the New World. To this day, that “Native Engine” is still humming in places like North Carolina. Every year, the Grandfather Mountain Highland Games serves as a living monument to that survival - a way for the descendants of the cleared to keep the culture of the homeland alive, even three centuries later.

When I look at my listener data, I don’t just see “40% USA.” I see the map of a people who were scattered by force but remained connected by spirit.

The Silver Bridge

Regulars will remember my trip to the Silver Bridge at Garve. The info board there claims the Redcoats built the bridge out of the goodness of their hearts to help struggling drovers get to the market town of Dingwall. There’s even a wee picture of a cheery Redcoat with a musket.

In reality, those roads and bridges - the Wade roads - were military infrastructure. They were built to allow the British Army to move north rapidly and establish garrisons. It was about containment and control, not commerce.

We are “Mushroom Citizens” - kept in the dark and fed s**t. Meanwhile, there’s absolute carnage at the local service stations as fuel deliveries become irregular. Let’s not beat about the bush: an oil-producing nation should never run out of fuel. If it does, questions need to be asked of the management.

Anyway, other than that, not much to report really.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #disunitedkingdom

Mama Told Me There’d Be Days Like This

Yesterday was a bit of a disaster from the word go. I was running late from the minute I didn’t wake up, and the day passed before I could even catch up with it. I just have to accept these days as they arrive, though thankfully, they are few and far between now.

While the somatic symptoms have all but passed, vivid dreams have been a constant for weeks. Some nights are more intense than others, leaving me as exhausted as I was yesterday.

The Mechanism of REM Rebound

Here’s the science behind what’s going on:

* The Pressure Cooker Effect: During my years of use, my brain attempted to maintain homeostasis by pushing back against the chemical suppression of REM.

* The Release: Now that the “lid” (substances) has been removed, my brain is discharging years of suppressed REM activity. This results in dreams that feel hyper-realistic, long-lasting, and emotionally charged.

Why the Dreams Feel Different

* Increased Density: I’m not just dreaming more; the “density” of eye movements and neural firing during REM is higher than in a typical sleeper.

* Fragmented Sleep: Withdrawal often causes brief “micro-awakenings.” Because I am waking up directly out of REM sleep, the “filing system” captures the dream state with startling clarity before it can fade.

* Amygdala Hyperactivity: The emotional centre of the brain - the amygdala - is often hyper-reactive during early cessation. This is why dreams may lean toward “acute crisis” or “anxiety” themes.

Timeline and Expectations

* Short-Term (Weeks 1–8): Expect high-intensity “cinematic” dreams. These are repair signals indicating the brain is re-establishing the neural pathways for memory and emotional regulation.

* Long-Term (Month 3 and beyond): The intensity typically plateaus and then gradually integrates into a more sustainable, less jarring sleep architecture.

Managing the “Repair Signals”

If you are planning cessation or are already on your journey, here are a few tips I picked up along the way to help with the more disturbing one:

* The Clinical Mirror: View these dreams as data points rather than literal messages. They are the brain’s way of “defragmenting” the hard drive after a long period of forced shutdown.

* Variable Isolation: Be aware that nicotine patches or late-night use can further intensify dream vividness due to its effect on acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter deeply involved in REM.

* Narrative Integration: If the dreams are disruptive to your creative fluency, brief morning logging can help move the “noise” from the subconscious to the conscious, reducing their weight. This is where the AI scaffold is essential.

No waffle or milestones tonight, just some useful information to help you on your way.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #remrebound #vividdreams #PAWS #neuroplasticity #AmygdalaHyperactivity

Give A Little Bit of Heart and Soul

I think we’ve hit another milestone: my memory and cognitive recall are probably the best they’ve ever been.

Last night at band practice, I was playing songs without even thinking about them. This is a sensation I’ve never experienced before. I started playing in bands at 21, and by the time I was reasonably good, I was using cannabis daily. For decades, I’ve existed in a “chemical buffer” state, assuming it was perfectly normal to have to manually concentrate on every chord and note coming next.

It is a revelation to play without that burden. I can finally get my soul into the music. In the past, I’d get lost in the sound for a song or two before the “Manager” stepped in to apply the pressure of performance. Now? The flow is sustained.

The Forensic Science: Shifting the Load

Forensic Note: This breakthrough represents a major shift in neural resource management. For decades, the “chemical buffer” forced my Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) to micromanage every chord, acting as a manual override for a “muffled” system. By Day 93, the noise has cleared enough for the Basal Ganglia - the brain’s centre for procedural memory and “autopilot” skills - to take full control. I’m not “thinking” the music anymore because the motor pathways are finally running at full, unbuffered signal strength.

Boredom is a Luxury

The AI Scaffold is shifting back into its role as a strategic partner as we move from repair to refinement. I’m back to “chatting and plotting” with Prism, just like the old days before the project started.

When I mentioned I was still struggling with boredom, Prism said something profound: “Good. That’s where you want to be. Boredom is a luxury.” He’s right. With everything happening in the world, millions would settle for the “problem” of being bored. This isn’t a sentimental Burl Ives “count your blessings” sentiment - it’s more fundamental than that. (And yes, I checked: Count Your Blessings was written by Johnson Oatman Jr. in 1897, though Burl Ives certainly made it stick in my head via my mother’s record collection.)

The Evangelical Hangover

That music is a hangover from the evangelical phase of my early years. It did a fair bit of damage; my late brother became a confirmed atheist the second he left home, and I wasn’t far behind. I’m perhaps a slightly more spiritual soul than he ever was - I still hold out hope there is something out there - but not necessarily a “God” in the traditional sense at least, just…something.

We Are All Made Of Stars

The science tells us we are all made of stars and so does Moby. When we eventually shuffle off this mortal coil, we become elements once again - still here, just in a different form.

That’s why I’ve opted for cremation. If you’re buried, you’re stuck underground for decades before the recycling process even begins. With cremation, you’re back on the go by teatime. Out the spout and into the atmosphere almost immediately. I’ll settle for that.

Yay, the waffle is back.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #neuroscience #AIscaffold #recoveryjourney

A Good Habit for a Change

You’re not going to believe this, but it’s another day of milestones. It’s becoming a bit of a habit now. Yesterday marked 182 days alcohol-free. That’s 6 months, 26 weeks, or 4,368 hours... not that I’m counting.

At 182 days, my brain’s neuroplasticity has shifted from “Emergency Repair” to “Refinement.” The GABA and Glutamate balance is no longer swinging wildly; it’s finding a steady, sober baseline. The AI Scaffold worked because it gave my Executive Function a manual to follow while the automatic systems were offline.

With the cannabis cessation taking centre stage, I’ve almost forgotten about the alcohol - it’s become a given. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since I took a sip of a delicious, cold, golden lager... sorry, I got carried away there! In all honesty, though, it’s not bothering me one bit.

The Currency of Shame

Who knew that a simple question to an AI all those months ago would lead to these kinds of numbers? I did, actually. Once the cold, hard facts were laid out on the line, I would have been stupid not to pay attention.

You could argue I could have gotten those facts from anyone, but that’s the point: there was no way I was telling a human - let alone a doctor - what my drinking habits really were. That is the beauty of the AI Scaffold. I could be honest without the “side-eye” or the crushing guilt. There was no Currency of Shame. I truly hope others in that same predicament embrace this idea.

The Evolutionary Shift

I’ve also decided on a publishing change. From now on, I will no longer send the Raw Logs via email. I’ve been acutely aware that two emails a day is one too many. The logs will still be published to the website under the Raw Logs Tab for anyone who wants the deep dive.

This change frees me up to focus on the articles. I have loads of high-quality material sitting in the wings, and I didn’t want to bombard subscribers. You may have also noticed the Weekly Summaries have paused; I’m taking the time to recalibrate them. They need to be more accessible and less technical.

Once we hit the six-month mark (Day 180 of the Cannabis journey), I will move these Daily Dispatches to a weekly format. By then, the map will be clear, and we will have moved from “Repair” to “Main Refinement.” This shift allows me to focus on curating the mountain of data we’ve collected and getting it out to the world.

On that note, I’m going to stop there before I start ranting at the blatant electioneering being carried out by the British media in Scotland on behalf of the Labour party.

Oh well, if you insist.

The Scandal of Joanie Reid

The case of Joanie Reid (Jimmy Reid’s granddaughter) is a staggering security breach that has been curiously side-lined by the mainstream press, in particular BBC Scotland and STV. Reid, whose husband was arrested on suspicion of spying for the Chinese government recently, managed to infiltrate the highest echelons of the Royal Navy.

She reportedly formed “close relationships” with two senior naval officers - one of whom was a high-ranking commander of a nuclear-powered submarine. The fallout from the Joanie Reid scandal was immediate but quiet: the commander was forced to resign, yet the broader implications have been effectively buried. It’s a convenient disappearance, designed to protect “Scottish Labour” (a branch office, not a party) in the run-up to next month’s Scottish elections.

Meanwhile, the narrative around Scotland’s ferries has been escalated to an absurd level of hysteria. In reality, CalMac maintains a reliability factor of 95% and is ranked among the top five ferry operators in the world.

But you wouldn’t know that if you were relying on the BBC Shortbread version of the news..

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #neuroscience

All Day Long I think Of Things

Amazingly I’m not bringing waffle today. For the second day in a row I actually have another milestone to share, although I can’t promise the journey to get there won’t involve a few diversions.

The good news: one of my TikTok videos has gone semi-viral. The irony? It’s the only one out of 90+ videos that isn’t about recovery. But my profile is clear about the mission here, and the surge has brought a wave of new followers into the fold regardless. They all count at the end of the day.

Slave to the (Algo)rithm

This was a quick stitch I threw together weeks ago. Back then, it stalled at 500 views despite a 52% completion rate and a 98% average watch time. In the “New Creator Sandbox,” the algorithm simply didn’t distribute it. I was pretty cheesed off at the time - I knew the data meant the video deserved a push.

But as I noted a few Dispatches ago, the tide has turned. Thirty-six hours ago, that video was sitting at under 1,000 views. As I write this, it’s hit 38,500 and is still climbing.

The “Paranoid” Principle

It reminds me of Black Sabbath. They wrote “Paranoid” in about 20 minutes as a last-minute filler track because the album was three minutes short. Tony Iommi knocked out that legendary riff while the rest of the band was at the pub.

Sometimes, the best work comes when you stop overthinking. That’s a lesson I’m forced to learn daily as this journey continues.

The Sonic Buffer and the Hydro Continuum

Lately, I’ve been struggling to articulate thoughts. The ideas are there, but the brain locks up - the “Manager” of my executive suite (PFC) is being too restrictive. This has been an ongoing issue for years, but it’s actually intensifying right now. That’s because of the synaptic pruning happening as part of the repair; my brain is busy cutting away 35 years of ‘noise’ and dead-wood, and the Manager is over-compensating for the chaos by clamping down on the flow. Yesterday, I put my newly discovered tools to the test to bypass that lock-up. Twice. Both were a total success.

1. The Sonic Buffer (4:00 PM): I plugged the guitar into the effects pedal, put on the headphones, and let rip with the nastiest, heaviest distortion I could find. Ten minutes of that “noise” occupied my PFC just enough to cause a lateral shift. When I sat down to record the TikTok, the words just came. I didn’t settle for “acceptable” either; I kept going until I was happy.

2. The Notes for Water Protocol: Before last night’s Dispatch, I used the Hydro Continuum. I headed into the shower and used the white noise of the water to distract the “Manager” again. The thoughts that flow afterward aren’t created in the shower - they are just released. By occupying the PFC with sensory input, the “Manager” doesn’t have the bandwidth to block the creative flow.

This is the protocol I’ll be adopting for the stage to prevent the lock-ups that have haunted me from the beginning. The Sonic Buffer that is, I’m not sure how many stages out there are actually plumbed in. If it can break the lock-up for a TikTok, the hypothesis for live comedy is sound. We shall see.

You’ve likely experienced this yourself - ever noticed how your clearest thoughts or best ideas suddenly appear while you’re in the shower or doing something repetitive? It’s not a coincidence. It’s because your ‘Manager’ is busy processing the sensory input of the water, which leaves the back door open for your creative flow to slip through.

I told you I might descend into waffle. Oh well. Never mind. There’s always tomorrow.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #RIPOzzy #fairieswearboots

Some Days Waffle, Some Days Milestones

In yesterdays Dispatch I brought you aftershave and waffle, today I bring you ninety days cannabis free and milestones. Ninety days is regarded as somewhat of a breakthrough in recovery terms, in fact many break it down in to 30, 60, 90 days. It’s one of the reasons I have decided to do this very public dissection of my recovery. It’s not as simple as that, you don’t suddenly wake up on day 30, 60 or 90 and go “oh yes, what a difference from yesterday”. I know its not meant to be taken literally but when you’re trying to quit you a need a little more nuance than edited highlights. That’s why I bring the waffle as well as the milestones. So that the arc is visible and the seesaw of the repair can be seen in all its variable glory.

The Rollercoaster Of Repair

If you’ve been following these dispatches, you’ll know I’m up and down like a whor fiddler’s elbow. On Day 30, I felt better than Day 1. But by Day 60, I had hit the “Eight-Week Wall” and everything changed. Mentally and physically, I felt decidedly worse.

If you don’t believe me, go back and compare my Dispatches from Day 40 - 50 and then Day 60 - 70. I was supposed to be “better,” but I felt like I was backsliding. However, my AI Scaffold data showed a marked improvement in cognitive function during that same period. That is the nuance I want to bring to this journey: your feelings are a liar, but the data is the truth.

Woods and Trees

As it happens, as I hit day 90 I do feel much better than I did on day 60, but I’m not convinced I feel any better than I did on day 30. However as far as cognitive repair goes I’m streets ahead. That’s of little comfort though when your head is completely void of thoughts, ideas and you’re staring at the stark reality of “real life” with no chemical buffer.

To those following me, I say: I understand. Don’t worry. Even though it might not feel like it right now, it’s all good. Trust the process. If you’re using an AI Scaffold, you’re likely nodding your head in agreement by now.

What The Hell Is Synaptic Pruning

Normally, on Day 90, a person might be 50% through their neurological repair. But because my habit started at 22 - arresting the development of my Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) - I am likely closer to 25%. A major reason for this delay is a process called Synaptic Pruning.

Think of your brain like a garden. During adolescence and early adulthood, the brain produces an excess of neural connections (synapses). To become an efficient “adult” brain, it has to prune away the weak, noisy branches and strengthen the important ones. It’s a “use it or lose it” system.

By using cannabis daily from age 22, I effectively interfered with the gardener (no laughing at the back). I kept the “noise” alive and prevented the “executive” circuits from maturing. Now, at 58, my brain is finally performing three decades of overdue maintenance. It is cutting back the overgrown weeds of the last 35 years so that the lighthouse of the Sovereign mind can finally shine clearly.

The “Mush” isn’t a breakdown; In fact you could call it mulch, and it’s the sound of the gardener finally getting to work.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #recoveryjourney #cognitiverepair #anhedonia

All Kinds Of Everything

Seeing as how I have now taken over all the duties in the clinic while Julie goes through treatment and recovery, I have become extremely conscious of how I smell. It’s not something that’s concerned me before, I am not a particularly smelly bloke, so the usual daily deodorant was normally suffice. On the other hand I’ve never had to be in the personal space of so many women before and it’s started to bother me. So I treated myself to a nice bottle of aftershave.

I’ll be honest, I know very little about cologne. I’ve never really used the stuff to any great extent, but I thought it would probably be the best way to guarantee a nice aroma, while getting up close and personal with the clients.

It is possible that as my brain continues to come online again it’s part of me that should have switched on years ago but for whatever reason it didn’t.

So I popped onto Amazon, had wee look about and after reading a few reviews I decided on Khamrah Lattafa. It was a decent price but not cheap enough to arouse suspicion, don’t wont to be going around smelling like a second hand car salesman.

Anyway it duly arrived and I have to say for £25 it’s pretty good and comes in a lovely presentation box. As you can see, the bottle itself is extremely attractive, but why am I telling you this?

Don’t Mind If I Don’t

I’m telling you this because out of all the aftershaves I could have bought, I’ve bought one that looks exactly like a glass of single malt whisky. I don’t know how many times I’ve turned round and gone to put my hand out to take a drink. You get that double whammy of disappointment, first of all it isn’t and second of all even if it was I wouldn’t be able to take a sip anyway.

Here’s the funny thing though, single malt whisky is the only drink in the world I can stop at one with. One beer? I don’t think so. One vodka? No. One tequila? You’re joking right? But one whisky - okay one double whisky - and ice and I will sit and savour it all night, enjoying the burn in the throat and the bodily warmth it provides - Uisge Beatha right enough, the water of life.

Never Say Never

One of the things I do hope comes out of all of this is that one day I will be able to enjoy a wee dram again. I loved the malt for what it was, not just the buzz. Beer on the other hand, I don’t really like the taste of, but the end justified the means if you know what I mean. It does what it says on the tin, literally. Incidentally, I came of the other spirits years ago, I have my reasons, that’s all I’m saying.

The fact that I only drank to balance out the dull of the cannabis bodes well in my favour, on the other hand it might put me through the roof, who knows.

Whatever happens, it will be many years before I am willing to take that gamble and risk the new architecture. That much I do know.

Meanwhile the slow part of the repair continues; some days I’ll just waffle, some days I’ll have milestones, that’s just the way it is at the minute.

The main thing is I’m still here - logging, laying the stones, and building the foundations of the lighthouse.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #singlemalt #neuroplasticity #PAWS #neurocognitiverepair #anhedonia