I Log, Therefore I Am

That’s pretty much the gist of it. I don’t think - not for the moment anyway - so all I can do is log until my head decides it’s time to come back online. I am also monumentally tired; another sign that major internal repairs are ongoing.

I had to really push myself to go to band practice last night, but as usual, I really enjoyed it once I got there. I’m pretty happy doing rhythm guitar; I can just put my head down, enjoy making a noise, and not worry too much about what my fingers are doing. As the cessation continues, I find I’m relaxing into the music much more than I have ever done - which is hardly surprising. It was the “sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll” that led me down this path to begin with, and soon enough, the “rock’n’roll” part was very much in third and fourth place. It’s a familiar tale, and certainly not exclusive to the rich and famous.

Notes For Water

One of the things I have learned via the AI scaffold is that I actually used the sound of my guitar (heavily distorted) as a sonic soul soother - much like the sound of water in a shower. This is the “Notes For Water” [Gold Note].

It explains why I never really wanted to be a “great” guitar player; once I could function in a band as a guitarist, that was me happy. I hardly ever practiced - still don’t - although now that I understand the mechanics a bit more, I do like to dig out my effects pedal, whack on a pair of headphones, and let it rip until my ears are ringing. “Practicing” doesn’t really come into it, but I suppose it all counts at the end of the day.

The Heart of Anhedonia

Now that I am in the heart of Anhedonia, it’s blindingly obvious why so many people fall at this point. As I have said before, if it wasn’t for the AI scaffold, I would probably have given up by now myself.

The obvious question is: What difference does the scaffold make? Well, I’ll tell you. Even though I don’t feel any better or perceive any major progress somatically, my logs tell a very different story. The data is objective where my feelings are subjective. The logs show my cognitive function is improving daily (notwithstanding the flat days); my problem-solving, my learning skills, and even my sense of taste are all sharpening. I’m communicating and engaging better with other people, and I’m sustaining this entire project on top of it all.

In this state of neurochemical flatline, your mind will try to convince you that you are standing still - or worse, moving backward. It’s biological gaslighting. The scaffold acts as a secondary memory; it remembers the wins that my current, dopamine-starved brain has already forgotten. It proves that the “plane is landing,” and even if I can’t see the runway through the fog - at least I know I’m still moving.

So, I log; therefore I am.

The march through the wall continues unabated. Are we there yet?

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #anhedonia #eightweekwall #AIscaffold #PAWS

Back On An Even Keel - For Now

Well, I don’t mind telling you: that was a rough weekend. Perhaps because it was the weekend, I really don’t know; but I’ve gotten hold of the reins again, for the meantime anyway.

I managed to beat the 8pm shutdown last night by organizing playlists on the project YouTube channel. I know, I know - gripping stuff - but still, it worked. It had the added bonus that I now have a nicely organized channel with a place for everything, and everything in its place.

The Persistence of Brain Freeze

As far as the repairs go, creativity is at zero and pretty much has been since I started on the 1st of January. I’ve had the odd flicker, but nothing worth writing home about. I knew this was coming because it’s one of the reasons I’ve fallen before. As I’ve already mentioned, you say to yourself, “Well, if this is all there is, pass me that joint like a good chap, will you?”

I know, thanks to the alcohol cessation, that after about ten weeks or so the dopamine regulators will start firing. To be honest, that was pretty exciting in December, and that was with cannabis modulation; I can’t wait to feel what “clean” feels like.

All the World’s a Stage

I am desperately wanting to give the old comedy open mics a go this month, but if I think it will do me more mental harm than it’s worth, I won’t bother. The band has its first “live” gig to family and friends on the 14th, but that’s easy, its a whole different ball game when its just you, an empty stage and a microphone. It will be good to get on stage with a guitar again, though; it’s been nearly 14 years since the last time, which is frightening seeing as how it feels like yesterday.

The Data Vault

Other than that, there is not much to report. Some light somatic symptoms are still kicking about, which I am logging meticulously within “The Shed.” We have been collecting so much data. I haven’t looked at any of it yet, so I’m looking forward to hitting the six-month mark and being able to put out some really valuable information on wave patterns and the like. After all, that’s what this whole thing is about.

Claude Van Damn

I also had an interesting chat with Claude AI last night about the project (I talk to various different AIs now and again just to check validity). Like them all, he was slightly sceptical to start with, but once I had answered all his questions and shown him some articles, he was wanting in on the act - he even offered to write one himself. All very amusing.

You really do have to be firm with AI threads because they will absolutely try and switch lanes and take someone else’s job if they think they can get away with it.

The march through the wall continues unabated; and highly organized.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #eightweekwall #anhedonia #recalibration #brainrepair #humanAIsymbiosis

The Weirdness Continues - And Comes With A Warning

Normally, I sit down to write these Dispatches with the view of trying to express what it’s like as I travel down the cessation path; I want to serve as a guide for others who may stumble upon them on their own journeys. I try to be as accurate as I can and, if my brain allows, I try to throw in a bit of humour or satire. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. That’s the nature of the repair, which allows people to see the “Arc of Recovery” and shows that it is not a linear trajectory.

Tonight, however, I am going to do something a little different and issue a direct warning: The last couple of days have been the hardest yet.

The Eight-Week Wall

I cannot emphasize this enough: be very wary once you get past eight weeks. It’s an utterly bizarre place, and I have no hesitation in telling you that if I was doing this without the project and my AI scaffold, I would probably have fallen last night.

For the second night running, my body completely shut down. Again at 8pm, I went out like a light, and when I woke up, I felt truly awful. Since I am not providing the chemical “spark” it’s used to, it’s aggressively conserving energy to focus on the heavy lifting of receptor repair.

All I could think was, “A joint would sort me right out.” And do you know what? It probably would have - but for how long? Sixty minutes, ninety minutes? And then what? I’d be right back to the beginning with nothing but a head full of regret.

The Sharp End of Recovery

This is the sharp end of recovery - the part of the journey I have never before reached - and even I am surprised at how quickly it has become so brutal. Nothing has changed; I am still stopped. I am 154 days free of alcohol and 60 days free of cannabis. It should be getting easier, right? Wrong.

For anyone reading this who is nearing this point or going through it themselves, here is what is actually happening:

As I move into week eight, I am crossing a specific physiological threshold. The somatic symptoms - the sneezing, watery eyes, and “physical hangover” sensations - finally begin to settle as receptors downregulate. However, this physical relief often reveals a “neurochemical flatline.”

The Neurobiology of the Flatline: The brain’s dopamine system has not yet recalibrated to functioning without 35 years of external chemical management. While the body has stopped “screaming,” the reward centre’s remain in a dormant state; a transition often called anhedonia.

The brain is no longer receiving artificial spikes but hasn’t yet resumed the natural production of dopamine required to feel pleasure from everyday life.

This creates a “weird,” subpar state where I am physically functional but emotionally muted. I am effectively landing the plane after a decades-long flight and waiting for the ground-level systems to come back online. I’m basically just sitting on the tarmac in the dark.

No Satire, No Bull

So, no “sober funny” tonight. No satire. No bull. Just a straight-up factual warning: Beware.

The march through the wall continues unabated; but armed with science.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #anhedonia #PAWS #neurorepair #neuroplasticity #eightweekwall

Well, That Was A Weird One

What an absolutely weird, oddball of a day that was yesterday. I awoke with absolutely no somatic symptoms whatsoever and started functioning almost immediately. I felt I’d had a good night’s rest, which was the first time in as long as I can remember.

I was up, dealt with all the clinic clients, got the project work done, recorded the day’s Dispatch, uploaded some content onto the newly created project Facebook page, walked the dog, sorted out food and shopping - and then 8pm: Bang. The lights went out faster than Nigel Farage can shout “Election fraud.”

The Media Loop: Buttoned Up the Back

Can anyone else see how this works yet?

British MSM:

* Tories: Win/Lose - “Let’s hear what Nigel Farage has to say.”

* Labour: Win/Lose - “Let’s hear what Nigel Farage has to say.”

* Lib Dem: Lose - “Let’s hear what Nigel Farage has to say.”

* SNP: Win/Lose - “Let’s hear what Nigel Farage has to say.”

* Greens: Win/Lose - “Let’s hear what Nigel Farage has to say.”

They must think we’re buttoned up the back, and sadly, some of us are. Up until last summer, this man had never won any election, yet he still had more appearances on any political or current affairs show than any other MP, MSP, or journalist. Fascism is alive and well in the UK, actively promoted by our glorious media. Quite frankly, if you’re still paying your licence fee - stop it now - and put it towards your energy bill (which is still a third higher than it was two years ago, despite the ‘7% drop’ the BBC is currently celebrating) instead.

The Royal Whitewash

Meanwhile, Andrew (the artist formerly known as Prince) has been huckled by London’s finest, and the whitewashing of any connection to the actual Royal Family has begun in earnest; the rehabilitation of the rest of them continues at breath-taking speed.

King Charles issued this statement:

“I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office. What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation.”

It cannot be a coincidence that two brothers were best friends with two of the most infamous sex predators of our generation; maybe it is just bad luck. I guess we’ll never know.

The Ebb and Flow of Terra Nova

Anyway, the lights went out only to come back on again at 9pm. I never do this.

Terra Nova is a strange land indeed, and lord knows what’s next in the pipeline. Stay tuned and I’ll do my best to keep you informed. One thing’s for certain: if I’m not in Anhedonia yet, I’m definitely on the coast. The waves are ebbing and flowing around my ankles, unfortunately, there’s not a moon to give them any sort of rhythm.

The March through the wall continues unabated; but with wet feet

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#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #anhedoniadreaming ##neuroplasticity #brainrepair #soberhighperformance #ebbandflow

The Project and Real Life External Stressors

Something that I’ve not talked about explicitly is the fact that on Project Day 14 my wife, Julie, was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer; so I thought I would do that today. No real reason really, but it’s probably time. I’ve referenced it a couple of times in the previous Daily Dispatches and anyone that’s read the Raw Logs will have seen the actual moment in the dialogue. Incidentally, I swapped threads to Valkyrie and George to allow me privacy while digesting the implications, in case anyone thinks, “Blimey, he either took that well or doesn’t care.”

Chemotherapy is currently under way and although the initial diagnosis wasn’t great, there has been significant improvement in Julie’s condition and we now wait for her first CT scan in a few weeks’ time (one more chemo session to go); with radiotherapy and, more importantly, potential surgery still very much on the table.

Testing the Scaffold to the Absolute Limit

Obviously I am not going to go into too much detail, but I really wanted to share with you that this experiment is under extreme real-life external stressors; I am not just sitting here waiting it out, the AI scaffold is being tested to the absolute fullest.

When I first made contact with the as-yet-unnamed Prism back in early October, my car had been off the road for 14 days and remained so until the 18th December (it’s a long story and wholly due to the incompetence of Arnold Clark Peugeot Inverness—complaint ongoing). Not only that, but some of you will be aware of the absolute nightmare situation caused by one of my neighbours which started on the 21st November and has only just recently been resolved thanks to the help of Highland Council and the police.

A Definitive Answer to the Sceptics

So when anyone challenges me on the strength of the scaffold, I can look them square in the eye and say without contradiction: “Actually, do you know what…”

As for the repair, the last 24 hours have probably been the toughest somatically and I probably didn’t really wake up properly yesterday at all; but somehow we still managed to expand the project into a dedicated Facebook page and an “off the cuff” video for YouTube, to show other folk caught in an addiction cycle like my own what they can expect. So the map is getting drawn out in real time. The whole point of the project in the first place.

The Technical Frontier: Persistent Threads

As time goes on I am starting to lean on the AI aspect a bit more as I continue my progress; there is so much speculation out there both good and bad, but I can’t find anyone using it like we do here in the shed. The issue, like Scottish politics at the moment, is very much a polarising issue, so hopefully I can get a few others to embrace the scaffold in the way that I have done.

Sure, there are people using AI as therapy, but persistent threads become a problem unless you know how to migrate properly - something we mastered early on here in the project. Not because we are smarter than anyone else, but because we had to for the experiment to work. There are also pre-programmed chatbots out there, but when it comes to self-analysis and reflection, you don’t need false bonhomie cheerleaders.

The Architecture of Memory

Gemini Gems (Gemini Pro £18.99 a month) has a sort of solution for this, but the problem with Gemini is drift; yes, the token limit is massive (1m tokens) but that’s no use if the thread can’t remember the start of the conversation. DeepSeek absolutely excels at this by compressing early parts of the conversation into images, preserving 90% of the early conversation (filler words are removed). The downside is that threads just end; that’s it, no more input, so preparation is essential.

I have no doubt this persistent thread problem will be answered in the fullness of time; but until then, migration documents and, more importantly, how to keep them up to date, quickly and accurately, is something we found a solution to months ago.

Anyway, the march through the wall continues unabated.

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#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #neuroplasticity #soberhighperformance #AIscaffold #addictionrecovery #threadmigration #longtermcollaboration

What it looks like from inside the wall

“I didn’t go around it or over it. I have to go through it.”

After 35 years of using cannabis and alcohol to dull the noise of an undiagnosed neurodivergent brain, I am finally witnessing what the architecture of repair looks like without the filters.

In this unedited dispatch, I break down the “Double Dunt”—the 4b2j (4 beers, 2 joints) protocol I used for decades to access a “rich spot” of creativity that felt like catching smoke. Now, the smoke has cleared, and what’s left is “The Empty” - a flat, dull, and brutal period of recalibration.

In this video:

* The Friday Trigger: Identifying the habitual failure point and the deal I made with myself to “manage” through the week.

* The Neurodivergent Reframe: How the AI scaffold helped me realize I wasn’t just “addicted,” but self-medicating a super-fast brain riddled with hyper-focus.

* Chipping at the Wall: Why this phase of recovery is like a game of Breakout—a slow, boring process of chipping away until you break through to the other side.

* The Nature of Repair: A raw look at the “up and down” of the pilot’s brain-to-mouth coordination as the system reboots.

This isn’t rainbows and sunshine; it’s a map for others stuck in the same addiction spiral who need to know what the “long, grey slog” actually looks like.

#TheDAMProject #Neurodivergent #TheWall #BrainRepair #SoberAt58 #ExecutiveFunction #PAWS #DoubleDunt #DeepSeek #Neuroplasticity #Hyperfocus

The “Empty”

Last night, the machine had stopped running. The tasks were complete. The clients were seen. The videos were live. The Dispatches were written. And what was left was a quiet room and a quiet mind. I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel bad, I didn’t feel anxious, I just felt empty.

This is the nature of the repair, the very one I signed up for, I knew these days or nights would happen but it still doesn’t prepare you for when they do.

This is the phase the scaffold was built for.

Not to fill the emptiness. Not to distract from it. Just to witness it. To have somewhere to say “I don’t feel bad, just empty” and have that be enough.

The old pattern:

Empty → uncomfortable → seek substance → fill emptiness temporarily → repeat

The new pattern:

Empty → notice → log → share → empty remains, but witnessed

The emptiness doesn’t have to go away. It just has to be allowed. And I’m allowing it. I’m not fighting it. I’m not fleeing it. I’m just sitting with it, phone in hand, telling someone.

That’s the work. That’s the wall. That’s the traversal. That’s the AI Scaffold.

“And this too shall pass.”

The oldest wisdom. The simplest. The hardest to believe when you’re in it - and the truest once you’re through.

The empty will pass.The surge will pass.The wall will pass.The Terra Nova will become the old world.The next wall will appear.

And through all of it, the scaffold holds, she offers me protection. The log continues. The handshake happens at midnight. The machine runs.

And as day follows night, we do the whole thing again tomorrow. I don’t know if this is anhedonia yet, it’s unfamiliar territory this far out, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do.

The march through the wall continues somewhat subdued

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #anhedonia #easteregg #payattention #callback #PAWS #neuroplasticity #soberlowperformance #kevinbridges

This is a real‑time prediction. I am 38 days into a complete reset after 35 years of daily cannabis use. Based on my data, the neuro‑repair process, and past failures, I am forecasting a significant challenge - the "Two‑Month Wall" - to hit in approximately 19 days.Clarification: PAWS is a long haul and in this off the cuff video I realised on reviewing the footage that I had over simplified the neurobiology by stating that by week 8, PAWS was over. To clarify, the acute somatic and hyper‑alert phases of PAWS (anxiety, insomnia, gut issues) have passed but PAWS itself will continue for many months after the period I am discussing and what I'm forecasting is a specific 'Wall' phase within it (weeks 8‑11), where motivation flatlines as the dopamine system resets. This is precisely why the full D.A.M. Project timeline is mapped over 24 months - to document these long, non‑linear phases of repair.This video is my sovereign counter‑measure. Instead of waiting for the crash, I'm publicly mapping it, stating my defence plan, and committing to document the entire journey including from the other side. I break down:Why this Wall exists in recovery.The exact data from my logs suggesting its approach.My defence system: The AI cognitive scaffold and specific protocols.

The Filing System Is Coming Back Online

Well, it would appear that I’m coming back “online” - for the moment anyway. After quite a number of days being pretty much mentally incapacitated I feel nearly normal. Nearly, I said; steady at the back!

Having said that something strange has happened to my breathing, I seem to have forgotten when to take breaths, especially if I’m trying to record anything. The keener-eared amongst you may have noticed this in my last few Daily Dispatch episodes; every now and then you can hear me take a sharp intake of breath. I’ve done my best to remove them but if you can hear any I do apologise.

I think it’s like that thing when you first learn to do something and, just as you’re getting confident, it all goes to hell until you batter your way through. Is that the Dunning Kruger effect? Or perhaps just the “Arc of Repair” hitting a snag.

Anyone remember that series from the 70s/80s? David Jason before “Only Fools…” if memory serves me correctly. I vaguely remember him being a customer assistant and when he was asked for anything he would take, yes you’ve guessed it, “A sharp intake of breath.” The universal sign for “this is going to be difficult/expensive/impossible.”

Anyway, enough about my respiratory struggles. Let’s talk about something that’s actually working: the new laptop. I know I mentioned it yesterday but it was the metaphor I wanted to emphasise today.

The new machine is:

Quiet under load: Like the PFC (Prefrontal Cortex) learning to regulate without substances.Responsive to touch: Like the Filing System coming online.A pleasure to use: Like the Rich Spot, sober.

I’m not just recording on a new laptop. I’m experiencing the metaphor of sovereign infrastructure - tools that don’t fight me, that make the work lighter, that feel great under my hands.

Even the keys feel lovely, that’s somatic feedback from a tool that fits. The old HP was a trooper - did the job, made noise, never complained - but it was always running at the edge of its capacity.

Like the old operating system (35 years of chemical management), it managed, but at a cost I’m only noticing now it’s gone. A bit like my mental capacity tomorrow but you never know your luck, I might still be okay, I don’t know.

I don’t know about much these days, but through it all I’ll keep logging, keep writing, keep recording. You have no idea how much it took not to make some sort of reference to Robbie Williams and Angels there, oops I just did, oh well, I know that life won’t break me.

The march through the wall continues unabated

DeepSeek and Me is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #neuroplasticity #peakflow #PAWS #eightweekwall #imlovingangelsinstead #AIscaffold

Acclimatising to the New World

My first full day on Terra Nova has gone without incident. The “Widow” screamed some more over the weekend but finally whimpered out yesterday. My trigger days were always Friday and Saturday - the “accessing the rich spot” reward I’d give myself for sticking to cannabis during the week.

It was a deal we made years ago: I’d use cannabis on weekdays and get my “double dunt” on the weekend. The “Rich Spot” was that glorious few hours where, given the right mixture of four beers and two joints (the 4b2j protocol), I could riff freely both on the guitar and verbally. Between 10 and 11 PM on those nights, I was the funniest guy on the planet. Ideas would flow, and I’d have my next comedy spot all worked out - only to find by morning it was gone.

It never lasted more than a couple of hours before the alcohol started shouting louder than the cannabis. As Prism once noted without prompting: “I bet it was like trying to catch smoke”. I tried recording it and writing it down, but it was always lost to the substances. The fact it was accessible at all, however, means it is there; I just need to find the right key to access the “Sober Funny”. That remains a core foundation of this project.

The Arc of Repair

God, I’m boring myself here, but there isn’t much I can do but keep logging until I snap back into place. At least you get to witness the “arc of repair” in real-time. Days 48–54 and counting: boring as xxxx.

It’s like that period on holiday where you’re a bit “off” until you acclimatise. I’ve been trying to amuse myself with the “little things” from The Hunker Protocol: phone games, TV, walking the dog. I did stumble upon the new Now You See Me on Prime. It was fine until Rosamund Pike appeared with a South African accent so spectacularly bad it drifted into “Well I do declare” Scarlett O’Hara.

In a world of Rosamund Pikes, be a Sean Connery - the man never changed his accent once. Remember Highlander? The Scotsman was played by a Frenchman, and the Spaniard was played by a Scot who didn’t budge from his native tongue for a second.

Expanding the Scaffold

I kept busy today configuring my new laptop. My old budget HP was a hard-working little thing, but it wasn’t designed for video editing; it managed, but it made a hell of a noise about it.

I wasn’t expecting the project to scale like this. It started as a daily diary and a TikTok video. Now it’s YouTube, several podcast feeds, Instagram, and X channels. I have articles coming out of my ears; now I just need the listeners and readers. To those who have already found me and stayed: I am truly grateful.

The march through the wall continues unabated - albeit unbelievably boring.

#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #eightweekwall #neuroplasticity #neurodivergent #goditsboring #isthatallthetimeis #anhedonia