Leadership under pressure isn’t about having the sharpest argument—it’s about holding steady when anxiety spikes. We sit down with Dan Werthman to explore how family systems theory helps pastors lead with presence instead of panic, especially when shame, polarization, and perpetual urgency try to set the agenda. Dan shares a vivid case of an overfunctioning lead pastor and the underfunctioning culture that followed, showing how accurate naming, sabbatical rhythms, and clear responsibility can reset a team toward health.

Together we unpack triangles and the subtle ways pastors get pulled into conflicts they don’t own. Dan’s distinction is freeing: ministry requires entering triangles, but being triangulated happens when we abandon emotional neutrality to win approval or avoid disappointment. We walk through practical tools—preparation, pausing, and reflection—that help leaders notice physiological cues (tight stomach, racing thoughts), slow the fight-flight-freeze response, and re-engage with clarity. Along the way, we connect insights from Friedman, Gilbert, Shitama, and Steinke to a deeply Christian center: love God, love your neighbor, and refuse to confuse enablement with care.

If you’ve felt the weight of “live monkeys” dropped on your desk, or watched your yes become everyone else’s habit, this conversation offers a path back to thoughtful, Christ-centered leadership. You’ll hear language for overfunctioning, frameworks for emotional neutrality, and ways to ground hard conversations in presence rather than pressure—so your church can mature, not just manage. If this resonates, share it with a fellow leader, subscribe for more, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your voice helps more pastors lead with calm in anxious times.

References

• Edwin H. Friedman — Generation to Generation (triangles & family systems in congregations)
  
• The Bowen Center — “Triangles”
  
• Pete Scazzero — Emotionally Healthy Relationships (clarifying expectations tool)
  “Clarify Expectations” overview
• John & Julie Gottman — Bids for Connection
  
• The 10 Minute Bible Hour
  
• Jack Shitama — The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast
   Anxious Church, Anxious People
• Luke 17:3–4
  Matthew 5:23–24
  Matthew 18:15–17 

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