Dating Kinky

In addition to writing a book about Boundaries over the last few months, I've started a Take No Shit Workshop, all about building better boundaries step-by-step.

I began the first BETA run on October 17, and we are now officially two weeks in.

This morning, I popped in to check on the forums and discussions, and one in particular got my mind working.

One of my Workshop members (who has also been following along with my boundaries book as I live write it and post it chapter by chapter), is at a point in her boundaries journey where she is noticing how a friend of hers consistently oversteps by offering unsolicited advice on food choices, health, life decisions, and more.

And the topic of unsolicited advice is something I've been personally noodling for a bit.

Join the conversation at: https://saydk.com/advice

Happy Birthday to Nookie!

As many of you know, I took August off of daily content creation. It's my birthday month (today is my birthday), and I wanted to explore some passion projects.

This month has been amazing.

I won't be going back to daily content creation. I've found that I really love focusing in on a deeper dive into a subject. And I had no idea how burned out I was getting or what my other options were, until I tried something radically different on this birthday whim.

I will be creating content. What that will look like, I'm not sure yet. But I'm super excited to share this journey with you.

And all of this is coming at a pivotal time.

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The LIVEWRITE for my boundaries book: http://getkinked.info/basf-livewrite

Nonmonogamy: one plus one is 1, one plus two is 3, and one plus three is 6. 

Or is it one plus one is 3, one plus two is 6, and one plus three is 10? 

Depends on how you do your math, really, but in nonmonogamy, it's rarely straightforward, and that is what many people don't consider when they take those first steps. 

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Is it one plus one equals 1, or one plus one equals 3? 

Depends on what you're counting. 

One (person) plus one (person) equals one relationship. 

Or

One (person) plus one (person) equals two (people) and one (relationship). 

Personally, I do my math the second way. 

I plus a single partner equals three important considerations in any decision I make:

1. How will this affect me? 
2. How will this affect my partner? 
3. How will this affect our relationship? 

When I (or he) adds a partner, then I have six important considerations in any decision: 

1. How will this affect me? 
2. How will this affect person 1? 
3. How will this affect person 2?
4. How will this affect my relationship with person 1? 
5. How will this affect my relationship with person 2? 
6. How will this affect the relationship between person 1 and person 2? 

Some people do the math a in another way, taking whichever process they prefer from the two above, and adding in one more: the greater relationship of ALL the people. 

Which, I guess makes sense when you are doing a closely-bonded nonmonogamy, like living with your triad or quad. The overall health of the greater relationship can make a big difference. 

Still others only do parallel relationships, and their math might look like this in a 'V': 

1. How will this affect me? 
2. How will this affect person 1? 
3. How will this affect person 2?
4. How will this affect my relationship with person 1? 
5. How will this affect my relationship with person 2? 

Since person 1 and person two never interact, maybe don't know each other. 

That can work. 

So every person added only adds two more complexities each time. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/polyamory/nonmonogamy-one-plus-one-is-1-one-plus-two-is-3-and-one-plus-three-is-6/

Do you reward the minor improvements? 

Or, do you punish the lack of perfection? 

I'll admit, I do both. 

It's hard, sometimes, to recognize that things are getting better when they are frustrating AF, and maybe even something you take personally. 

Luckily, I'm pretty good at rewarding the minor improvements after 22 years of being an enthusiastic amateur dog-trainer and competitor. I've trained myself into the mindset to look for the small wins. 

But sometimes, it seems like the small wins don't come quickly enough, or the lack of perfection feels like a personal condemnation...

I'll give you two examples, where I did the wrong thing and the right thing in the past couple of months....

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Example one: I did the wrong thing. 

We were on a car ride to the mountains to camp with friends, and on car trips, we often take some time to dig deep into ideas that take a bit more fleshing out. 

Relationship stuff, fantasies, etc. 

And in that discussion, he hesitated about something I had just reassured him about. In fact, I had brought it up. 

In the moment, I was hurt. 

I was deeply hurt. 

I was the one offering this thing, making it possible, loving him deeply—and he thought I didn't mean it. 

OUCH. 

And I admit, I took it that way, and said so. Which also caused hurt. 

We got through it. Of course. We talked it out, and came through with a deeper and better understanding of each other. 

But I did the wrong thing. I did harm. And I could have set us back in our communication. I could have (didn't, but could have) set us WAY back. 

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Example two: I did the right thing. 

Similar situation. 

Asked my partner an innocent question, with NO CLUE that it might lead to a sensitive subject. He wasn't ready. 

He hesitated. 

Enough that someone who was visiting at the time noticed the stutter-start.

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/behavior-modification/do-you-reward-the-minor-improvements/

There is this one conversation I keep having about communication. It's about "brutal" honesty and how shitty it is, and it came up again in my LIVE last Thursday. 

I can't stress enough that brutal honesty is just an excuse to bully people with truth, and that we all should be aiming for compassionate honesty. 

But what is compassionate honesty? 

And what does compassionate communication look like, overall? That's what I'm talking about today. 

Eight weeks ago, I wrote that communication is a tool, not a solution. I mentioned that without a few key elements, communication is more likely to harm than to heal. Those are:

- Priorities
- Openness
- Respect
- Compassion
- Autonomy

So far, I've covered priorities, openness and respect. Today, I'm tackling compassion. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/communication/8-tips-to-communicating-compassionately/

"i pray you attract lovers romantic and platonic that never aim to manipulate or harm you, that never embarrass you, make you question your sanity, or abandon you when you need someone to hold your hand." —@ichriecheblut, on twitter

This inspired me for this Friday's bit of sappery. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/believe/a-prayer-for-your-love/

I've always thought Meatloaf had it backwards. He sang:

> "I want you. I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you..."

And ever since I first heard it, I thought that sounded so...sad. And it's meant be sad, I guess. But it also just sounded wrong. And it took me years to figure it out. 

> "I want you. I love you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to need you..."

THAT'S how I always thought it should go.

- I need air.
- I need food.
- I need water.
- I don't need another human being to survive. To be happy. To work. To love. To live.

Never have I ever thought I did.

And, frankly, that has caused some strife in my relationships. My partners WANTED to be needed.

I never got that.

Find the transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/a-few-thoughts-on-need/

Today's writing and my Throwback Thursday podcast and LIVE are on the same topics. I'll go live at 1pm today on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and mōn, talking about shaping our lives through power exchange and romance and how challenging finding (MAKING) that balance is.

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In the "My Power, Your Power" event we held last year, I was part of a discussion about mixing power exchange and sex. I was one of two for. There were two against. 

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a class presented by Master Taino (@MasterTaino on FetLife). The ABCs of M/s. 

And he said something that really meshed with some thoughts I've been having, and made me think that power exchange and sex was not the real thing we were discussing, but instead power exchange and romance. 

Master Taino said (and I'm paraphrasing) that when you have power exchange relationship with romance, you actually have two relationships:

- Power exchange dynamic
- Romantic

And that when there is romance and power exchange, the power exchange is the most likely to slide. 

Which I've noticed over the years. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/power/the-balance-of-power-exchange-and-romance/

A couple of weeks ago, I was on an Authors' panel at TESFest with @DanandDawn. Not only was it fun to connect with people, and to share actual physical space with Dan and Dawn, but I also was inspired into several new ideas and a possible collaboration or three with my co-panelists. 

And one of the audience asked us a question. 

One that I want to share with you. 

> "Do you ever feel bad about charging for your books?" 

And I'm glad that question was asked. 

Because I think it needs to be answered. 

I hate selling. I'm shite at it. I don't want to sell things. 

But I also want to live. And that takes money. 

And kink is my passion. 

It's also my chosen career. 

So, I sell. Not well, though. And not enough. And frankly, I've made a commitment to myself to do better at that. Because I want to live well, and contribute financially to the life I have with my partner in more ways than I do. 

Actually, I'd love for him to be able to comfortably retire and live on what I make soon. 

AND, I believe that what I offer has tremendous value, so selling better would improve many countless lives and relationships in kink.

But regardless of that:

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Do I feel bad about selling my books about kink? 

No. 

Why should I? 

Do you ask Tantus if they feel bad about selling their sex toys? Do you question why movies cost money to attend? Do you ask the grocery stores you frequent why they don't just give away the food? 

Then, why ask authors? 

Find The Full Transcript For This Episode Here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/dating-kinky/the-business-of-kink/

Comments like, "This is a polyamory group, not a polyfuckery group," or "Yeah, it sounds like they are just a swinger, not polyamorous at all," abound. 

The original definition of polyamorous, by the people who coined the phrase in modern times and put it into popular circulation (Oberon Zell and Morning Glory Zell) is: 

> POLYAMORY: (Greek poly = many; Latin amor = love) The practice, state or ability
of having multiple lovers at the same time.

Lovers. 

People who love. 

Lover: a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that swingers and poly folk are the same. They're not. The culture is radically different. 

However, if you were to ask the average human on the street, they would not see the difference. Swingers and poly folk are all going outside of monogamy, and that's bad, mmmkay? Moreover, they see it all as cheating. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/polyamory/there-is-rampant-slut-shaming-in-polyamory-nonmonogamy-communities/