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Dealing with a Bossy Friend (Grace, Age 9)
Hi,
“You’re not the boss of me!” is a common exclamation on the playground. It’s easy to slip from vehemence to pushiness when kids feel strongly about their opinions. But nobody likes to feel pushed around. So, all kids need to learn how to express their ideas or wants in a way that makes it easy for others to listen.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Grace says her friend sometimes acts bossy, but her friend also accuses her of being bossy! How can they both find better ways to communicate?
Let me know what you think of this episode!
Leave a comment
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 18 - Building great leadership skills (Kai, Age 9)
Ep. 83 - Fights with close friends (Eloise, Age 8)
Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think kids sometimes act in bossy ways?
Why is it okay if a parent or teacher tells you what to do but annoying if another kid tells you what to do?
What is a Yes-No Argument? Why is it not useful?
What are some ways to present your ideas without coming across as bossy?
What would you do if you were the boss of everything? Would you insist on longer recess? Or warm, homemade, chocolate cookies at every meal? Or a kitten or puppy for every child? Or maybe you could make all the grown-ups be kind, so we’d have world peace! That would be good!
It’s fun to imagine being in charge.
It’s not so fun when another kid tries to boss you around!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, My name is Grace I am 9 years old, and I have a question for you Dr. Friendtastic. There's a girl in my group who sometimes bosses us around and says, “You're not the boss of me!” Could you please help me, Dr. Friendtastic?
Hi, Grace! Thanks for sending in your question! I’m guessing that you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed by this girl who sometimes bosses you around! What’s interesting is that she also says to you, “You’re not the boss of me!” That makes it sound like you both feel bossed around!
What does it mean when we say someone is being bossy? Well, it means they’re telling us what to do, but it’s more than that! It also means that we don’t believe they have the right to tell us what to do.
If, say, a parent or a teacher tells you what to do, that’s not being bossy, because they really are in charge. If another kid tells you what to do, that’s annoying because they’re not the boss of you!
Given that both you and your friend feel like you’re being bossed around, I think what might be happening is what I call a Yes-No argument. A Yes-No argument sounds like this: One person says, “Yes!” and the other person responds, “No!” Then the first person says, “Yes!” again, and the other person says, “No!” and it goes back and forth like that, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, getting louder and louder, and it gets nowhere because neither person is listening and neither person feels heard.
Usually, when kids feel bossed around by other kids, they say, “You’re not the boss of me!” and that leads to an unhelpful argument about who’s being bossy.
So, what could you do instead? Rather than trying to convince your friend that she’s bossy, try being curious about why she wants whatever it is.
You could say, “What do you like about that?” or “Why is that important to you?” Try hard to listen and understand her point of view instead of immediately saying No.
You might even want to summarize what she says, so she knows you’ve heard her. A useful formula is, “So you want to do X because Y.” For example, you could say, “So you want to make that area off-limits in our game of tag because it’s too hard to catch someone there.”
Asking, listening, then summarizing what you hear is a good way to get out of a Yes-No argument. Hearing her reasons might convince you to do what she wants. It might also help you come up with a compromise or a different idea that addresses her concerns but also fits with what you want.
What about the flip side? What can you do so your friend doesn’t think you’re being bossy? When you bring up your ideas, start with the word “I.” “I think…” “I like..” “I want…” That’s easier to hear than “You have to!”
Be sure to explain your reasons, so she can understand why you want whatever you want.
Most importantly, try to be flexible. That means being willing to bend by adjusting and accepting things that aren’t exactly how you like them, just because you care about and want to get along with others.
Being able to give out orders and have everyone do as we say is a fun fantasy, but real friendships require communication and compromise.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
Hi,
“You’re not the boss of me!” is a common exclamation on the playground. It’s easy to slip from vehemence to pushiness when kids feel strongly about their opinions. But nobody likes to feel pushed around. So, all kids need to learn how to express their ideas or wants in a way that makes it easy for others to listen.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Grace says her friend sometimes acts bossy, but her friend also accuses her of being bossy! How can they both find better ways to communicate?
Let me know what you think of this episode!
Leave a comment
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 18 - Building great leadership skills (Kai, Age 9)
Ep. 83 - Fights with close friends (Eloise, Age 8)
Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think kids sometimes act in bossy ways?
Why is it okay if a parent or teacher tells you what to do but annoying if another kid tells you what to do?
What is a Yes-No Argument? Why is it not useful?
What are some ways to present your ideas without coming across as bossy?
What would you do if you were the boss of everything? Would you insist on longer recess? Or warm, homemade, chocolate cookies at every meal? Or a kitten or puppy for every child? Or maybe you could make all the grown-ups be kind, so we’d have world peace! That would be good!
It’s fun to imagine being in charge.
It’s not so fun when another kid tries to boss you around!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, My name is Grace I am 9 years old, and I have a question for you Dr. Friendtastic. There's a girl in my group who sometimes bosses us around and says, “You're not the boss of me!” Could you please help me, Dr. Friendtastic?
Hi, Grace! Thanks for sending in your question! I’m guessing that you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed by this girl who sometimes bosses you around! What’s interesting is that she also says to you, “You’re not the boss of me!” That makes it sound like you both feel bossed around!
What does it mean when we say someone is being bossy? Well, it means they’re telling us what to do, but it’s more than that! It also means that we don’t believe they have the right to tell us what to do.
If, say, a parent or a teacher tells you what to do, that’s not being bossy, because they really are in charge. If another kid tells you what to do, that’s annoying because they’re not the boss of you!
Given that both you and your friend feel like you’re being bossed around, I think what might be happening is what I call a Yes-No argument. A Yes-No argument sounds like this: One person says, “Yes!” and the other person responds, “No!” Then the first person says, “Yes!” again, and the other person says, “No!” and it goes back and forth like that, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, getting louder and louder, and it gets nowhere because neither person is listening and neither person feels heard.
Usually, when kids feel bossed around by other kids, they say, “You’re not the boss of me!” and that leads to an unhelpful argument about who’s being bossy.
So, what could you do instead? Rather than trying to convince your friend that she’s bossy, try being curious about why she wants whatever it is.
You could say, “What do you like about that?” or “Why is that important to you?” Try hard to listen and understand her point of view instead of immediately saying No.
You might even want to summarize what she says, so she knows you’ve heard her. A useful formula is, “So you want to do X because Y.” For example, you could say, “So you want to make that area off-limits in our game of tag because it’s too hard to catch someone there.”
Asking, listening, then summarizing what you hear is a good way to get out of a Yes-No argument. Hearing her reasons might convince you to do what she wants. It might also help you come up with a compromise or a different idea that addresses her concerns but also fits with what you want.
What about the flip side? What can you do so your friend doesn’t think you’re being bossy? When you bring up your ideas, start with the word “I.” “I think…” “I like..” “I want…” That’s easier to hear than “You have to!”
Be sure to explain your reasons, so she can understand why you want whatever you want.
Most importantly, try to be flexible. That means being willing to bend by adjusting and accepting things that aren’t exactly how you like them, just because you care about and want to get along with others.
Being able to give out orders and have everyone do as we say is a fun fantasy, but real friendships require communication and compromise.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.