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Dealing With Differing Emotional Sensitivities in Marriage
What do I mean by differing emotional sensitivity? Emotional arousal affects our thinking and physical actions, and each person has their level of emotional sensitivity in different areas. Emotional sensitivity is the level at which you physically and emotionally respond to stimuli. According to Dr. Alan E. Fruzzetti in his book The High Conflict Couple, "At any given moment, there are events going on all around us, such as sights and sounds and other aspects of the physical and social world. There are also events going on inside us, such as memories, images, thoughts, or sensations. All of these events, in addition, to our attention, and our sensation and perception system (which allow us to be aware of what's going on), influence emotion directly. Our sensitivities are more complicated than most realize.
This is why one person can be triggered emotionally by one set of events, and another can be totally unaffected by the same events.
I believe that our emotional sensitivity is both nature and nurture. We can take our cues about handling conflict from how our parents dealt with it in childhood as well as the temperament we are born with. We may emulate a parent's behavior or go to the opposite extreme depending on how we perceive it. We also may take our sensitivities from past experiences. For instance, someone who has been verbally abused in the past may be highly sensitive to any conflict in the relationship. They may fear it might happen again. A person who grew up in a family where emotions were shut down may not have any awareness of the feelings of others, much less themselves.
We all perceive things through our lens, and for us, it feels right and true. It is our reality. The key is to understand your sensitivities and your spouse's from a place of neutrality. At times you may be the one experiencing low sensitivity and your spouse high and vice versa. You both may be in a heightened state of emotional sensitivity and arousal at the same time as well. No matter what the dynamic, there are ways to manage this. Marriage is about management to reach the common goal of having a healthy marriage.
You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/48
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By Deanna BryantWhat do I mean by differing emotional sensitivity? Emotional arousal affects our thinking and physical actions, and each person has their level of emotional sensitivity in different areas. Emotional sensitivity is the level at which you physically and emotionally respond to stimuli. According to Dr. Alan E. Fruzzetti in his book The High Conflict Couple, "At any given moment, there are events going on all around us, such as sights and sounds and other aspects of the physical and social world. There are also events going on inside us, such as memories, images, thoughts, or sensations. All of these events, in addition, to our attention, and our sensation and perception system (which allow us to be aware of what's going on), influence emotion directly. Our sensitivities are more complicated than most realize.
This is why one person can be triggered emotionally by one set of events, and another can be totally unaffected by the same events.
I believe that our emotional sensitivity is both nature and nurture. We can take our cues about handling conflict from how our parents dealt with it in childhood as well as the temperament we are born with. We may emulate a parent's behavior or go to the opposite extreme depending on how we perceive it. We also may take our sensitivities from past experiences. For instance, someone who has been verbally abused in the past may be highly sensitive to any conflict in the relationship. They may fear it might happen again. A person who grew up in a family where emotions were shut down may not have any awareness of the feelings of others, much less themselves.
We all perceive things through our lens, and for us, it feels right and true. It is our reality. The key is to understand your sensitivities and your spouse's from a place of neutrality. At times you may be the one experiencing low sensitivity and your spouse high and vice versa. You both may be in a heightened state of emotional sensitivity and arousal at the same time as well. No matter what the dynamic, there are ways to manage this. Marriage is about management to reach the common goal of having a healthy marriage.
You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/48