I don’t know about you, but I am super sensitive to the anger and disappointment anyone feels toward me, but none more than my spouse. I don’t know why, but I want everyone to be happy with me all the time. Maybe because I’m a people-pleaser. If you are happy with me, then I must be okay. That’s my junk. 

Couples will cause each other anger, pain, and disappointment. We have even felt a twinge of homicidal tendencies at times. Am I right? Normal stuff. 

The way we deal with our spouse’s anger toward us can make all the difference in the outcome. 

Let me tell you how I use to deal with my husband’s anger toward me.  I would do one of two things. I would become defensive, make excuses, and deflect by pointing out things he has done wrong. Or, I would take it as a personal affront and catastrophize. I’m a failure. I’m less than. I’ll never do anything right which is all self-shaming. Who can be perfect and make a spouse happy all the time? No one. 

Neither of the ways I handled my spouse’s anger was healthy, so I had to learn how to handle it differently. 

So let me give you some tips or best practices.

First- Listen to the complaint without judgment. Be open. You learn more about your spouse’s feelings every time they express them. You learn about their triggers- how they see things. Without conflict, you cannot grow to understand the perspective of your spouse.

Second- Accept that your spouse has a right to feel the way they do. Their perspective is their reality even if you don’t understand it or it seems ridiculous to you. Hear them the way you want to be heard. Ask questions if you need more clarity. 

Third -Accept your part. You know we screw up whether it is intentional or not. We are human. When an issue is brought up, put yourself in the place of your spouse. Try to see it from their perspective.  How would you feel if you were in their shoes? What could you do differently that might make things better in the future? 

Fourth- Avoid defensiveness. Defensiveness is a self-protective response. Check yourself. Try not to let the issue trigger your own insecurities or self-esteem. The issue is the issue. You are not less than for upsetting your spouse.  Affirm your self-worth. Don’t take it personally. 

I would be remiss to not address the way your spouse expresses their anger and disappointment as well. If it is brought to you with criticism or contempt, you will inevitably take it personally and respond defensively, but there are ways to deal with this as well.

You will find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/49