Dee Bonney - Ignite Your Marriage

The holidays are approaching, and they aren’t just any holidays. They’re 2020 holidays. What could we possibly be in store for???

The idea of holidays is great, but as they approach and the conversations become real, people around us start getting testy, we can find ourselves filled with angst over the upcoming plans. It’s easy to not be the best version of us.

Here are 4 streetwise adjustments you can make to improve your enjoyment of the upcoming festivities. 

1. Remove the special emphasis.

Holidays are too frail for the special status we assign them. When we put demands on a day to come off perfectly, our edges become frayed when that doesn’t happen.

2. Recalibrate your expectations. 

We go into this season anticipating our lives to look like a well-directed, tender-hearted Hallmark movie. You know it’s going to be more of a South Park marathon. Expect less of your family and friends during this time and you’re less likely to suffer disappointment.

3. Remember: your value is independent of others’ opinions.

An anonymous author said, “Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” Stop defining yourself based on the grumblings of unsupportive family members.

4. Enjoy the insanity. Once you’ve done 1-3 above, just let the rest go. Appreciate everyone’s perfect imperfections and love them as they are.

Have you ever thought, “If my spouse and I could just communicate better, most of our issues would take care of themselves?”

Communication is the number one struggle about which couples ask for my advice. When we don’t feel understood, there’s a good chance our spouses feel the same way.

Here are 4 tactical steps to implement today to begin improving the flow of information between the two of you.

1. Stop talking. 
Wait… what? When we keep word vomiting on our spouse as tension is rising, we are causing love and affection to hemorrhage out of the relationship.

2. Check your pulse.
A heart rate over 100 can be a signal that you are emotionally flooding. You may begin to have a slight tremor and feel the conversation move to your gut. When this happens, your logical brain is disengaged. Take a break to settle.

3. Suspend judgment.
Judging what the other person is saying is your brain putting your own spin on what you’re hearing. Instead, ask clarifying questions to understand the other’s intent.

4. Lead with your heart.
Begin a difficult talk softly. Compliment. Lead with how much you care about your partner and want to grow closer.

The skills of effective communication can be learned. Practice these simple steps when the stakes aren’t so high. 

Here’s a little secret. Your vote in this election doesn’t count. 

The person who occupies the White House for the next 4 years is not going to significantly change your relationship your spouse, how you interact with your children, or where you go vocationally. The choices you make in how you transform your relationships will have significantly more impact on your life over the next four years than the ballot you cast. 

We need to figure out how to make these decisions on firm footing, however. For Megan and me, we found that when we looked to the user manual God gave us (the Bible) for how we should conduct our lives, we found healing from our previous poor decisions and marriage transformation.

We found that when we surrendered to God, three things started to happen. 

1. My deficiencies became less significant. Rather than being riddled with shame and guilt, I found grace and peace.

2. I learned to love the right way. As I realized that I’m a broken person, I was able to begin loving others, including my wife, with more grace and acceptance.

3. I began to see truth. Even if someone is not a believer in God, the principles set forth by Jesus for how we should treat one another are universal. These truths are now our guide for how to navigate life, and that reduces the importance of each of our opinions. 

Click here for the free PDF "How to Fix Your Marriage (Without Telling Your Spouse)."

Have you ever felt like you could have an argument with your spouse without them even being in the same room with you? We can often find ourselves doing a terrible dance of relationship conflict with our spouse. 

Take heart. That dance does not have to continue on. I believe one person alone can begin to transform their marriage. I created a PDF that I would like to give you for free. Click here: “5 Ways to Fix Your Marriage (Without Even Telling Your Spouse).” 

The first step in that process is this: change your response. Rather than you respond the way you do each time, change your dance move. Respond with kindness and love.

The three benefits of changing your response are:

1. It throws your spouse off their game. They are forced to come up with a new behavior.

2. It brings you peace. When we don’t attack back like we always do, we can go to sleep knowing that we are stopping the cycle of injury, pain, defense, and more pain.

3. Enjoy the show. As you do marriage differently, so will your spouse. It’s a natural progression. You can sit back and enjoy seeing the small, incremental improvements that take place. 

Join us for our free 7-day Facebook Challenge called Excited to Come Home. Click this link and sign up and we'll get you added to the group! 

https://www.deebonney.com/excited-to-come-home-free-challenge

I get the privilege of interviewing Preston and Jennifer Carter. This is a couple I met through social media because Jennifer had commented on another marriage platform that she noticed a lack of diversity in the images and content of this particular site. 

I wanted to learn about the challenges that African American couples face, most of which I realize I was simply unaware. 

Please share this with YOUR network as we attempt to gain a better understanding of what marriage looks like for a non-white couple in America. 

Sex is such a volatile topic, often associated with shame and secrecy. Yet, God created us as sexual creatures, and I believe that should be explored and celebrated! 

Here are 4 steps you can take today to improve your sex life and, in turn, your intimacy with your spouse. 

1. Make your marriage a safe place to be known. Create an environment in your marriage where you accept one another for all your imperfections. Strive to be able to be emotionally vulnerable with one another, “naked and unashamed.”

2. Develop a healthy view of sex. Make sex about fostering intimacy with your partner and seek to provide the other person with pleasure. 

3. Stop using sex as a weapon. Unknowingly, we can use sex against our mate by withholding sex, manipulating when and how intercourse occurs, or by demonstrating interest in people outside of our marriage.

4. Seek healing from past sexual trauma. One in three women and one in six men have been the victim of sexual assault before the age of 18. Find a good Christian counselor and work through feelings of hurt, shame, resentment, and anger that you might have. Unhealed wounds will continue to negatively affect your sexuality. 

In this episode, Dee interview Kim Singh about how she shifted her perspective ever so slightly in her marriage and saw huge changes as a result!

Being in relationship with other people means, unfortunately, getting hurt. Sometimes that pain goes quite deep. My greatest injury was when my wife told me she had been unfaithful. You can click here to find out how we both identified our brokenness, and how God intervened and showed us the path to the amazing marriage we enjoy today.

But, after forgiveness and reconciliation take place, how do we deal with the pain when our partner’s “I’m sorry” is inadequate to soothe us?

Here are 4 steps I take to overcome the pain.

1. Examine the wound. 

Evaluate whether the injury itself is so painful, or if there is an older wound this offense just uncovered. 

2. Understand your own potential for harm.

If you are like me, your thoughts can get very dark at times. We each carry a capacity to make harmful choices. Allow this to provide you with empathy.

3. Focus on the now.

As the two of you are working to repair, keep your attention on your now and your future.

4. Define your identity.

Choose to be a victor rather than a victim. I also realized that my truest identity is as a child of God. The strength in this is indescribable. No longer can human relationships shake my foundation. 

Houses do not do well went their foundation is not strong, level, and firm. Neither do marriages. Learn 4 steps you can take today to enable you to strip away parts of your structure so you can examine and repair you foundation. Then, you can begin inspecting the rest of your relationship, and rebuild a beautiful home that is secure, an impenetrable fortress.

Rather than speak to overcoming specific marriage difficulties, I want to offer some advice for people who already have a decent marriage. When our relationship doesn’t have any major difficulties, how do we go from good to great? Let’s discuss five tactics that can allow you to elevate your marriage to the next level.

1. Improve you. Focus on developing yourself for the purpose of serving your spouse. Read books, find people who help you grow, spend time journaling and praying.

2. Exposure your blind spots. Ask your spouse how you can love him or her better. This is a very vulnerable question to ask, and it’s probably not one you’re prepared to ask if you and your partner have not cultivated deep trust in your relationship.

3. Never disrespect. Don’t speak to your husband or wife with less respect than you would a complete stranger. 

4. Invest in your marriage. Spend time and money growing together. Go to a marriage seminar that teaches new skills. Plan a weekend away just the two of you.

5. Ask better questions. Engage yourself with questions that allow the two of you to get to know one another more deeply. 

By implementing these actions, you and your spouse can experience an entirely new level of love and trust.