The provided text is a first-person account that debunks the notion of a literal death experienced during a near-death event in March 2023, which was only a rumour. The author humorously criticises the misuse of the phrase "I died" to describe close calls, contrasting popularised near-death experiences with the mundane reality of physical trauma and hospital care. The piece asserts that true death is final and that reported visions are likely biological phenomena rather than glimpses of an afterlife. Ultimately, the author, an atheist, presents a grounded and anticlimactic view of mortality, rejecting spiritual interpretations in favour of a finite existence.