Bob gets a good review from his hygienist, while Miles tries to be the time police and then reveals how his dentist kicked him out for not showing up.

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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Welcome to show up whenever the fuck you want. Brought to you by Bob. Oh, you know, you are one. You are. Why were you late? You better explain to me why you were late. I was asked to be on another show when they were late. Oh, for fuck’s sakes. Jesus Christ. Somebody has got to promote this show. For fuck’s sakes. What bullshit show was this so I can make fun of it? It was called Scalarius. Oh, Christ. And it was about a comedy ghost show. Oh, God. What a waste. Jesus Christ. I had a great time, but unfortunately we ran a little bit late. And so I, uh, I texted you due to parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters. Do you show up late at work a lot? Do you just like show up whenever you want late at work? Do you, I know you do for Christ’s sake. If I added the amount of minutes that you made me wait, I don’t show up half an hour late. Oh, trust me.
Every week, folks, this guy is at least five minutes late. That is called fashionably late, okay? You are late late. I am fashionably late. You’re late late. You’re showing up. You’re like Madonna late. We can qualify this. Oh, okay. See, I knew there was some rationale. I was doing something for the show, and it ran a little long. Then you say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. I did. I wrote you a note. I have to leave. No, you say it to them. You say it to them. You say it to them. I wanted them to finish their show, and so I stuck around and finished their show. Guys, I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m going to have a BM. I have to go. Thank you. I’m late. Thank you for ghosting comedy. You always blame your lateness on. I was taking a crap. I sometimes do take a crap. Yes, I do.
No, you do. That’s the horrible part. It helps me concentrate on the show. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I go poop. Make it feel good. What do you got this week? Just throw it out there. I’m busy promoting. I’m busy hustling. Okay, I get it. What are you busy doing? I was… What were you doing today to help the show? I was researching a book I’m writing. You’re writing a book? Yeah. Good fucking luck with that. What’s it about? It’s called Ugly People Who Lip Sync on TikTok. Well, you probably know more about that than I give you credit. I do. I do. You watch a lot of TikTok. I do. I enjoy the TikTok. You love the ugly people. I do. I love the ugly people on TikTok. I love them. I love them. That’s going to be a book, but whatever. Yeah. I mean, it sounds more like a website.
Yeah. No, I don’t do websites. I write a book. I know. I write a book. I’m going to visually describe to you this ugly person lip syncing on TikTok in my book. There’s a lot of them. Full haircut, fat woman from New Jersey. Yeah. What’s love got to do with it? Yeah. Here we go. I get it. All right. Continue. This isn’t my part to talk. No, I said, go, let’s hear what you got to say. You’ve been, I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say all night on the show. I’m curious to hear what you have. I have nothing to say. I’ve, my timing has been thrown off. Oh, my timing has been thrown off. I choose not to run. Yeah. Okay.
I’ll just wait for your 10 minutes to be up then. Well, I’ll disconnect then. Oh, come on. You’re being such a baby. Jesus Christ. If anyone treats Miles like he treats them, they’re an idiot. Let’s hear your story. You obviously have a story you want to get into. Let’s go. No, no. I wanted to have you go first. As your boss, I’m telling you to go. First of all, You’re definitely not my boss. I am your boss. No, you’re not. Yes. I control you. Yeah. Okay. Everything you think and say, I control. Yeah. All right. I order you to go first. I need a raise. I order you to go first. So I had to go to the dentist today. To get my teeth cleaned. Your favorite dentist? Yeah, my Polish dentist, yeah. Yeah, I like this guy. I had a family, extended family member was my dentist, but he passed away, so I had to get a new dentist. I think I’ve talked about that. Yeah, I went to my Polish dentist. But I didn’t see him today because…
I don’t have anything wrong. They were just doing what I would term a teeth cleaning. Do you use that word? Yeah, it’s pretty normal. Yeah, that’s what I would call it. I’m like, oh, yeah, I’m going to go in for a teeth cleaning. I get there. I get in the chair. Nice young lady. Very nice young lady. And she goes, oh, you’re here today for maintenance. Your dental maintenance. I’m like, what? This sounds expensive. I don’t wear braces or anything. I think that might be called maintenance. I’m like, I’m just here for a cleaning. She’s like, yeah, dental maintenance. They’ve changed the words on me, so I was all confused. That’s how they get you. That’s how they charge you more money. I can see this. It’s all free. I get two
Apparently, I get two dental maintenance visits per year on my insurance. Oh, okay. I call it cleaning, right? It’s cleaning. Yeah. They’re scraping the shit off my teeth that is accumulated, the plaque. Oh, is this like a really young girl or an older? To me, everyone’s young at this point. I’ll be honest with you. Yeah. And so, yeah, she was young. I mean, she’s probably in her or maybe 30 at the most. I mean, she wasn’t that old. Yeah. So she’s very nice, you know, and i’m like, you know, they always, you know, flip you back like without notice. I’m just sitting, she’s like, okay, have a seat. She’s like, you know, doing the, telling me about the maintenance and, um, you know, getting me all situated, right. Putting the bib on, um, which i don’t know why they do. I mean,
I know why they do them. She used the bib more than I used to bib, to be honest with you. She was wiping, you know, her tools on my bib. And I thought that was for me. And then half the time she’s squirting me in the mouth with, you know, to rinse out and it’s running down the side of my mouth onto my back of my head. This is like some porn movie. I like some kind of porn. Yeah. That’s the book you should write. Not, TikTok. You have much more experience with the porn movie angle. Oh, I watched one once accidentally. Yeah. My friends made me watch it. Video store that has quite a lengthy backlog of your rentals. My dad used my car to rent porn. So that was not me telling everybody. No, that is a true story. That’s true. God rest his soul.
I get seated there and they push that button real quick on you and they flip you back. And I’m like, hold on a minute. I got to get my phone out of my pocket or it’s going to go flying onto the floor. So I take my glasses off and put my phone up on the counter, which I could barely reach. And she throws me back. So I’m laying down. And then I always have a severe problem I didn’t really think about it so much before, but now that I don’t really know the dentists and all the people involved, you know what I mean? I don’t know, uh, as well. I’m like, do I keep my eyes open or do I close my eyes? I close them. Yeah. That’s what I did. I think it’d be too creepy to watch them. Well, but I always, I’m cause I’m, you know, I’m overly paranoid.
You’re like, I wonder how he’s got like one eye kind of creeping open. You’re always hoping like it would get a boobie on your chin or something like, no, come on. I’m not you. That’s, that’s you. And this is part of the book right there. Part of that book. You’re right. Oh, come on. Let me talk to you about the assistance to dentists and hairdressers that put their boobs on your face. Come on. Um, So, yeah. So I’m, I’m like, uh, you know, I can’t, I try to keep my eyes shut, but then I kind of have to look around every once in a while to get my bearings and make sure there’s like not any agents sneaking up on me or something, whatever my mind’s got going on. And, um, so I’m sure that’s probably way creepier than either just leaving them open or leaving them closed, to be honest with you. Yeah. And then she’s got this, this light on her head, right? Like she’s wearing this, uh,
Spotlight. Oh, she’s splunking, yeah. Yeah, like she, yeah, exactly. Like she’s splunking. And it’s so freaking bright that it burns through my eye, my eyelids. Yeah. I could tell when she was like looking at my eye because this light was just like burning my retinas inside my eyelids, my closed eyelids. And so we’re going along and I’ll be honest with you you know I’m kind of proud. This is one of my best Uh, teeth cleaning, uh, outcomes, you know, they always give you the advice as they’re doing it. They’re like, I thought you were like all veneers or something, man. I do have veneers. Right. But that doesn’t matter for the back side yeah so do they have to do the front side with veneers or how does that work? Yeah. The front side, I got veneers on the front of my teeth. Yes. I’ll ask my hygienist. She’ll tell me. Well, I just told you.
Yeah, but you don’t really, you know, no, no. I don’t know. I know. So the backside still has the plaque, right? The front side. Oh yeah. I bet. Yeah. All the pizza crust. Right. Exactly. So she’s, you know, she’s working in there, but there’s not a lot of comments, right? You usually get the, the, the, yeah. And then they’re like, how often do you floss? You know what I mean? Stuff like that. A lot of. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? They’re kind of, you know, you can kind of get the impression that they’re not pleased with your, you know, the job you’ve been doing on your team. No, my girl don’t do that. Oh, and then, you know, they ask about how often you floss, you know, and they’re like, ah, it’s kind of tough here. But this time, I didn’t get a lot of that, which was
Fantastic. I was like, oh, I’m doing better because i’ve been trying. Honestly, I’ve been trying to do better. It’s never going to be good enough in their eyes. You know that. Well, but i mean, I wasn’t getting the, you know, the kind of feedback where it’s like, do you floss your teeth? Do you floss at all you know stuff like that and then i’ll usually be honest. I’ll be like, no. Or more like, no You know, because I got shit in my mouth there. Did you have corned beef on St. Patrick’s Day? Because it’s still in your teeth. So she was very nice, but oh my God, she took that little mirror thing. And I swear to God, it was like, you know, trying to get a pineapple out of a butthole or something. She was stretching my mouth so far.
She was prying at my face. My mouth was sore because she was prying the sides over. I think I always lay there, lean back, thinking, am I opening my mouth wide enough? I always want to do a good job. Is this the way you like it? Yeah. And then she’s like, cranking on this mirror with the side of my mouth. And it’s like, God, I feel like a goddamn Billy Bass or something hanging up here. Yeah. Oh, you like it? Face, you know? And then that’s when the water’s running down the back of my head because she’s spraying it in there. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, well, she’s like, she does, you know, you do the polishing and then you got to get the grit out. So then she’s spraying my face like with a garden hose or something. And she’s like, oh, the grit gone? So, yeah, I mean, it was quite…
It was a little more intense than it has been. But overall, and I asked, you know, what do you think? I always ask. If they don’t say something, I ask. And usually they say something, unfortunately. And this time she’s like, no, it looked pretty good. You had some plaque buildup on your bottom teeth, but that’s to be expected. And, you know, it looks like you’re doing well. And I didn’t see anything that was alarming. And I was like, great. And then she gave me a little toothpaste and a toothbrush and sent me on my merry way. And I set up my next maintenance appointment, as they call it now. But it was good. It was intense, but good. I don’t think that I’ve ever had this woman as my hygienist before. I don’t remember her. But that’s not unusual. I don’t remember a lot of people, so.
Elsa She-Wolf of the SS. Yeah, I could have had her every time now. And then if I said, I don’t know that I’ve ever met you, she’d be like, you were just here six months ago. I just cleaned your teeth, you ass. Why don’t you sit in my chair? Yeah, but I did not. Obviously, there was nothing of concern because she didn’t bring in my Polish dentist. Oh. Maybe if I had some concert or something, anyway. No, I heard him in the other room. I’m busy. I’m busy. Yeah, he has kind of a weird voice. So, yeah, I heard him in the other room. I was going to say hi, but I didn’t see him. He has kind of a weird voice. Well, it’s not like an accent, but he’s got, yeah, I mean, he’s kind of an interesting fella. Here we go.
but he, uh, yeah. And I’m like, okay, I must’ve been doing really good because sometimes he’ll come in and he’ll like poke around for two minutes and be like, yeah, we’re watching that. Or, you know, we’re looking at that or, you know, she wanted me to come take a look and it looks fine to me. Or, you know, Hey, you had roast beef last night. We want to tell you to start clearing that stuff out of there. Don’t bring it to the office, man. Did you have Chipotle? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I thought. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, but it all went good and i felt good about myself because i’d you know, done a good job. Now, as you know, my wife has perfect teeth, right? I, my teeth are like, um, you know a train wreck those billy bob teeth that you can get at the that the menards i mean steve buscemi looks at your mouth and he’s like, damn, Jesus. It’s not quite that bad.
but I feel good because I time myself. That’s how I know if I’ve done well, because you can get out of there quickly. So when I sit down, I look at my phone and I see what time it is. And then I see what time it is when I leave. And the fact that you get in and out of there, it means that your teeth weren’t that bad. And she’s always like in and out of there, like within like 10 minutes or something. It’s crazy fast. I mean, she barely has time to sit down and get squirted and everything, you know, It only took me about 20 minutes today and I’m like, all right, I’m doing great. I’ve been in there for like 45 minutes sometimes. You’ve made this into some kind of science or something. You don’t do this? Is this something that’s unusual? No, I don’t. I’m going to put on my timer now on my phone and if it’s more than 20 minutes, I’m going to ask for a discount. You’re not trying to do better with your dental hygiene? They get what they get.
They don’t pass judgment. As you get older, Miles, these things may not last your lifetime, so you’ve got to take care of them so that they do. My teeth are probably better than yours. What’s the peanut gallery say back there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Well, you didn’t suffer through bulimia like I did, so. No, we were rich. We didn’t have that shit. We didn’t have that shit. Yeah. Okay. But I just tried to do better. So, you know, that’s what I was trying to do. And apparently I did. So there you go. There you go. Wow. No, I’ve never really timed it out like that. Well, maybe you should. The next two times, you know, take a look at what time it is and see how fast you get out of there. And then you’ll know. Because I do go twice a year. Well, a lot of people, I mean, that’s part of insurance. Yeah, no, I’m not bragging. I always wondered. I go twice a year. I always wondered.
if like celebrities go more often. So their teeth look really nice. Oh, we got to go to a premiere tonight. I’m going to go get my teeth maintenance cleaned. I would love to get my teeth like super whitened. I would really, I don’t know. I think my teeth are gross. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, they’re better than what they were. They were really, I don’t know. We’ll talk about how white my teeth should be. Everybody gathered around with the samples to pick out my veneers. Chicklets. Chicklets. Chicklets. Yeah, me too. What’s going on with you? Besides the fact that you’re like, I got better teeth than you. I like my dentist. I grew up paying his money. We had a cool dentist growing up. He was a cool dude, man. He had the spit thing. I’m not going to tell you his name. He had the bowl? He had the bowl with the
the water that would circle around and you’d spit in, you’d get a big mouth of goo and then you’d spit it out. Yeah. And like the room had like a wallpaper that looked like it was like picture, like a giant picture of a Hawaii or something like palm trees. Okay. It was like seventies thing going on. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I mean, it stayed the same way the whole time. Like I was there. I took that picture. You believe me? I would believe him if he said it. I never really asked him about it, but it was all wallpaper. Somehow they blew up this picture and turned it into wallpaper. Then this is one of those guys that smacks his hygienist on the ass when they walk by. Hey, baby. This was actually a decent dude. Yeah, no, he was a decent dude. I really could not see him doing that, actually. Oh, slapping the ass? Okay. Yeah, he was a decent dude. I like my dentist now.
I like my current dentist. He’s very nice. He’s very nice. Okay. I like, I like them because I got kicked out of my last dentist. So I was going, so I missed some appointments apparently with the previous dentist. Okay. That has nothing to do with tonight. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There are consequences. There are consequences in life. you didn’t send him a note and tell him I’m going to be alone. I missed them. Along the way, perhaps like I do oh no they were not happy they were not happy yeah sounds familiar yeah at least two places I’ve been kicked out of now. because I’ve skipped appointments okay well and it’s, you deserve it. Totally. I’ve tried to talk to my wife and my children. You’re going to be on the street, my friend, at some point. Yeah, probably. No one else to hustle. I know. The hustle will end someday. The hustle will end. Yeah, they were not very nice. They were like you. They were mean. They’re all like… Mr. Tidal, we have set
seven appointments and you have just not shown up and not mentioned anything. Didn’t send a note. No, I think you’re canceled. I think it was like a three strikes. You’re out schedule. No, I think it was like three strikes and you’re out over there. I’m like, Oh, my Dennis inundates you with reminders. Holy moly. Although there was one, a doctor we had for something else. He goes, if you miss it’s 50 bucks. There you go. How many times have you paid for nothing? Quite a few. No, I don’t know. I like my current place. Okay. They’re very laid back and they text you and email you and call you. They’re very nice. They let you know when it’s coming up. They basically hear me out in the waiting room. They just come out and they’re like,
They’re like, they squirt me in the face with the fluoride water and then give me a toothbrush and a little toothpaste and send me home. No, I get to know, I get, I have like the same person work on me all the time. So we’re all like, you know, I was asking about her family and stuff. How’s your fam? How’s the fam? She’s so nice. She’s so nice. I’ll never tell you about my proclivity towards women wearing white. You remember Barb from the library where you used to work? Yeah, Barb. She was so nice. I’m like, man, she’s like the nicest lady. I hope Barb’s doing well. She was a nice kid. Barb Dautre, yeah. She’s much older than a kid now. Yeah, I think you…
I think you asked her something very inappropriate once, now that I think about it, though. Are you sure that was me? I think you did, because it was a question I would not ask. Are you sure it wasn’t something that you asked, and you just pinned it on me? This is something I would never ask a woman, ever. I would be too embarrassed. The monthly visitor? Yeah. The raggin’. Yeah, you asked about her ragging. I think that question came up because you and I were talking about it. No, no, no. I’m too embarrassed to talk about those things. You’re like, ask her, ask her. And I go, I’m sure a person would not mind if this question was asked. I don’t like talking about menses. I know. That’s why I’m saying you’re like the little kid. I don’t want to. Can you ask about this? I don’t.
And I’m like, yeah, sure, whatever. But you’re also the guy who won’t go pick it up at the store, so… Am I right? Make sure I didn’t kick off there. All right. Bye-bye. Yeah, you’re still there. Yeah, you’re still there. Oh, okay. You’re the one who won’t go to the store and pick out anything for anybody, right? No. No. I think if I go back to the recordings, there’s one where you were kind of refusing to pick up some materials for anybody. I don’t want to. No, because… I don’t want to. And then women want to talk about it. I’m like, don’t talk about it. Why do I want to know? Why do I need to know? Well, I mean, it happens. And then it’s like, well, you guys talk about burping and farting and pooping. Yeah, that’s different. That’s like natural. Yeah, that’s natural. We don’t go into this conversation. We had a nice conversation with
with uh barb about this and she was very it was a little inappropriate don’t you think though wasn’t a little inappropriate probably but i think you’re the one that brought it up why would no i am way too shy there’s no way i would bring this up there’s no way you’re like ask her ask i’m like there are a few topics i will not approach and that’s one of them i would never say to a woman how much do you spend i’ll ask i don’t care whatever It was all your, no, it was all you. I don’t. There’s no, like, I’d be like, let’s talk about changing plugs tonight. And I’m like, no, I don’t. Why do I want to know? I didn’t say anything like that. I know that I didn’t. So I just, I don’t, I would. Yeah. That was one conversation I would not have with anybody, male or female. No. Oh, it was. I refuse. I will. We’re being had.
I, you, out of the blue, you had like, you would occasionally say something completely, uh, treacherous. You like, you know, I was just, I was just out to dinner with a friend and apparently this is more than an occasion that things like this happened to me. I was at the dinner with his wife and he’s like, you do this all the time. You just say crazy stuff. Yeah. You get comfortable and then you just say something that’s totally not, shouldn’t be said. I’m like, really? Yeah. Yeah. That is you. Yeah. And I’m like, I, I don’t think so. He’s like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. You’re always like that. This guy knows because he has some education. So yeah. Yeah. I’m glad people see through you. Yeah.
You don’t know that we have Dr. J, right? Yeah. This was Dr. J. Oh, Dr. D. Yeah, I broke bread with Dr. D. Yes, I did. No, this is a different one that you didn’t have lunch with. Oh, wait, there’s more than one Dr. D? Yeah. Oh. This is a different Dr. D. Oh. Yeah. Dr. D. Oh. He’s like, yeah. I hope he can help you out with your mental illness. That’s all I can hope for. So far, yeah. I had to say it, but as you get older too, these comments just pop in your head and you just say them. It’s like, oh, geez. True, true. It happens. I had to say it. It was like, damn, I’d watch it. Yeah, it’s going to happen. It’s going to happen more than maybe I want to. Yeah. Well, I’m glad you like your dentist and I’m glad that you got information on how women…
How much women spend on their monthly bill? Not even interested. Not even interested. Come in handy at some point.