When I met Ben on Match.com, it was the early 2000s and online dating still carried warnings about meeting axe murderers. Both lonely in New York City, we connected over coffee that turned into a nine-hour adventure across the city. That meeting launched what I fondly call our "Summer of Love" – those magical first months where we experienced what Imago Relationship Therapists call "joyful aliveness."  The phase of Romantic Love in which we felt completely seen, valued, and understood by each other.

But when Ben started a high-stress tech job, our dynamic shifted dramatically overnight. The person who had been so present became consumed with work, which only caused my need for connection to intensify. We fell into classic relationship patterns – I became the pursuing "octopus" desperately reaching for connection, while he transformed into the withdrawing "turtle," retreating into his shell when overwhelmed. From a polyvagal perspective, I stayed locked in sympathetic "fix it" mode during conflicts, while he entered dorsal shutdown, finding safety in withdrawal.

What makes our story universal is how we represent what Imago Relationship Therapists call an "Imago match" – unconsciously choosing partners who embody both positive and negative characteristics of our early caregivers. On our very first date, we discovered I was a "cat person" and he was a "dog person" – which was seemingly trivial and yet actually symbolized fundamental differences that would both complement and challenge us through twenty years together. While those differences created painful disconnection at times, they also offered profound healing opportunities precisely because our partner triggered our deepest wounds.

The journey from romantic love to sustainable connection isn't straightforward, but understanding these patterns creates space for growth. If you recognize similar dynamics in your relationship, know that with conscious work, those moments of disconnection can decrease while connection expands. Take just one step today – any size, any direction – because movement toward healing is possible for everyone, even when depression is in your bed.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.