Desi aunty, you are the villain, but only because no one ever taught you how to ask for what you actually want.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist. If you have ever forwarded your grown child one of those videos that are intended to create guilt, I bet it didn't work to bring you closer to your child. What's underneath that forward is much simpler: you want time, you want respect, you want empathy. So in this episode I take three things you already know from the rasoi: a pressure cooker, a karahi on too-high heat, and the spices you roast early on to show you exactly what to say instead.

0:00 Teaser — "Desi aunty, you are the villain"

0:02 The guilt-trip video Desi parents forward to their grown children

0:58 What you actually want: time, respect, and empathy

1:10 Who am I? — a Desi clinical psychologist

1:25 Time — "You have all this time for your friends and none for us"

1:56 Your grown child is a pressure cooker

3:03 Say this instead: "I would love to see you. No pressure."

3:37 Respect — coming in hot burns the sabzi

4:06 Turn down the heat: "I have some ideas. Tell me what you've thought about already."

5:27 Empathy — the spices go in early or not at all

6:20 "It must be so hard for you to juggle everything you have going on"

7:30 Takeaways

Next week: Desi aunty, you are NOT the villain. This episode is the what — what to say and do differently. Next week is the why: why you feel what you feel with your child, and where that reaction actually came from.

And if you're stuck in your own drama, send it to me at desi-dramas.com. I might unpack it anonymously in a future episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

The secret to fighting well as a couple is to be in different rooms — and most couples do this wrong. They stay and try to fight it out, even when they are flooded.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. Last episode you met Akash and Sheetal: whenever Sheetal criticized, Akash withdrew, and the more he withdrew, the more she criticized. That's their dance, and every couple has one.

In this episode I walk through the three mistakes that keep couples stuck in theirs — including the one sentence you can say when you're too angry to think straight, the one that keeps a fight from blowing up the whole relationship.

The "time out, not walk out" language comes from Dr. Mona DeKoven Fishbane's research on couple therapy. The speaker/listener structure in mistake three draws on the Gottman method.

0:00 Teaser — the secret to fighting well as a couple0:48 Who I am — a Desi clinical psychologist1:05 Mistake one — you make your partner the problem2:16 The fix: blame the dance, not each other3:04 Mistake two — staying in a fight when you're flooded4:34 The exact sentence that stops a fight from going nuclear5:44 Mistake three — talking over each other, and the speaking-pillow fix7:42 The one-word shift: "I understand" vs. "I want to understand"8:14 Takeaways — three mistakes, three fixes9:52 My ask — watch it together, send me your drama10:24 What's coming next: what are you fighting for?

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Episode summary/message Dr. Heena: https://desi-dramas.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

What so many couples get wrong is that they look for the problem in their partner. In actuality, their conflicts usually play out as a pattern. A dance. And it repeats no matter what the fight is about on the surface.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist based out of California. One of the first things I do with any couple is map out their dance. In this episode you watch me do it with a couple I call Akash and Sheetal, whose fight looked like it was about a missed soccer game and was really about two childhood wounds. Sheetal was scared of being alone. Akash's was that he was failing. When Sheetal criticizes, Akash goes quiet, and each move lands on the other's tender spot. This is the one that may move you from looking for the issue in your partner to looking at the pattern WITH your partner.

00:00 Why every fight sounds like the same fight

00:16 Akash and Sheetal's story

01:17 She criticizes, he withdraws: the pattern on the surface

01:28 Going below deck — what the fight is actually about

01:41 Sheetal's vulnerability: "I always felt alone" as a child

03:05 Akash's vulnerability: "I feel like I'm failing"

03:28 Where Akash learned to go quiet — his parents' marriage

04:37 The dance mapped out: criticize, withdraw, repeat

05:07 Neither partner is the problem — the pattern is

05:54 Name your dance so you can catch it: "we're doing the ghidda again"

07:26 What to do this week with your partner, and what's coming next

The dance and vulnerability-cycle framework draws on Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson) and the work of Mona DeKoven Fishbane and Michele Scheinkman.

Next week is part two: once you and your partner have named your dance, what are the first moves that get you out of it?

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

What if you can communicate like you are building a plate of chaat? Papdi, chickpeas, dahi, chutneys, sev. Observation, thoughts, feelings, needs, request. These are 5 key ingredients that help you be vulnerable. It's how you can say what's true for you but not unkind to the other. The couples I see say the same thing again and again: when they stick to this, it works. So I'm serving it up through some in-law drama. Your husband agrees to Saturday at his parents' house without asking you first.If it tastes a little foreign, it should because you are trying a new way of communicating.

Chapters:

0:00 Why food is how you get a Desi to listen

1:00 What couples say about this communication framework

1:35 Who I am

1:55 Part 1: The papdi — the observation

3:12 Part 2: The chickpeas — the story I'm telling myself

4:19 Part 3: The dahi — the feeling

4:44 Part 4: The chutneys — the need

5:12 Part 5: The sev — the request

5:51 The whole plate, start to finish

Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.com

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

#DesiDramas #NonviolentCommunication #SouthAsianMentalHealth #DesiCouples #DesiTherapist #InLaws #CommunicationSkills #BrownGirlTherapy

What do you want from therapy? Better communication. But what Desis ask for is usually not where we begin. To communicate better, we actually need to be better listeners.In this video, I break down three blockers to communication: reassurance, problem-solving, and derailing. These are pervasive, so much so, that I share what happened when I called my own mom from the ER after my six-month-old was admitted. Once you learn these blockers to listening well, you'll learn one phrase to communicate better. It's something you can start using this week to say hard things without them landing as an attack.Chapters:0:00 Why "communicate better" advice fails1:00 Who I am1:24 Blocker #1: Reassurance ("Sab teek ho jayega")1:49 Desi mom gives reassurance when something else was needed3:49 Blocker #2: Problem-solving too soon5:41 Blocker #3: Derailing7:46 The replacement: "The story I'm telling myself is…"8:19 Takeaways: what to ask insteadNext Tuesday: the full communication framework I use with Desis in my practice.To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

Every couple that goes to therapy makes the same mistake. They describe the fight. Who said what, when, where, why, how. But that is not what I am listening for.

I'm listening for what is beneath sea level. I help couples go beneath the deck to see what's deeper. This is how they avoid crashing into the iceberg and do conflict better. In this episode I give you the three tools I hand almost every couple I see in our first sessions, plus one sentence that works as a lifeboat when you have already crashed.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. Going below the deck to that emotional level was probably not modeled in most Desi families, so I model it here, using a couple I call Nikki and Jay and a fight about unpaid bills that was never really about the bills.

00:00 Teaser — the one mistake every couple in therapy makes

00:18 Your conflict is the iceberg: how couples therapy actually works

02:13 Communication tool 1 — speak about your emotions, not from your emotions

03:00 Nikki and Jay: the fight about the unpaid bills

04:03 Communication tool 2 — "I" statements that are true but not unkind

05:30 Communication tool 3 — go below the deck, into the vulnerability

06:35 Why it was never about the bills: Nikki as the eldest daughter

07:29 The one sentence to say mid-fight — "I can see that you're hurting"

08:21 What Desi parents' marriages never modeled — "Growing up, did you see that?"

09:06 Takeaways — three tools and one lifeboat

The quotes from tools one and two come from my mentor, licensed clinical social worker Liz Brenner, who was on the podcast last week talking about in-law drama. Go listen to that one next.

Next week: after you say "I see you're hurting," what do you actually do? I give you a framework for navigating any difficult conversation, with a partner, a parent, a friend, or a colleague.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Website: https://desi-dramas.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple

Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

New episodes every Tuesday.

This isn't therapy, but I trust it has been therapeutic. Share this with your co-captain.

A new day and a new drama between your mom and your wife. Desi husbands feel like the rope with their mom on one side and their wife on the other--both pulling you to side with them. You may have been stuck in this tension for some time and feel exhausted. Desi clinical psychologist, Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova sees this in her practice all the time. So she brought in her mentor, licensed clinical social worker, Liz Brenner, to do a role play where Dr. Heena acted like the stuck husband.

In this episode, you're going to learn why this tension is so common, what to say to your wife, what to say to your mom, and what to ask yourself. It is complicated and it can be so painful. But it doesn't have to keep playing out the way it has been.

00:00 Teaser

02:40 Meet Liz Brenner + why this comes up in almost every family I work with

03:52 The role play begins: husband caught between mom and wife

09:47 The guilt underneath — "being a bad beta"

15:54 Liz makes Heena break character: "Have you thought about making dinner yourself?"

19:46 Naming the real boundary issue

23:53 The patriarchy that he's swimming in and can't see

28:11 "It's that both people don't feel seen"

33:18 The loyalty bind

36:20 The shuttlecock — and the door to change

44:01 What does he actually want?

47:26 Stuck in the triangle

49:20 Liz's one message for everyone caught in this

To find the podcast, resources, and more check out:

🌐 Website: https://desi-dramas.com

📺 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

🎧 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

🎧 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

🤝🏽 Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

To get trained in couple and family therapy check out: https://therapytrainingboston.com/.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

This isn't therapy and I trust it has been therapeutic. Share this with someone who needs it!

What is therapy with first-generation Desis really about? Quieting the noise to figure out what you actually want, even if that means being a bad egg.

Therapist Paulomi Dave-Potter, founder of Meeting You Therapy, joins Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova to talk about the noise that first-generation and immigrant Desis carry: marriage pressure, achievement pressure, comparison, and the expectation that love has to be earned.

You'll hear how loneliness feels universal to anyone who's left home (and what "mud season" has to do with it), how to use your senses to come back into the present moment, and why so many Desis feel they can only partner with someone their family approves of. Paulomi and Dr. Heena also get into how visa status, achievement, and survival get tangled together for first-generation professionals, and why the debt you feel toward your parents can never really be repaid, no matter how hard you try.

0:00 Introduction

0:21 Welcome and Meeting Paulomi

1:56 Paulomi's Identity and Background

4:58 Loneliness, Leaving Home, and Mud Season

7:42 Naming Emotions and Creating Space

8:59 Grounding Through the Senses

12:14 The Noise Metaphor

13:43 Marriage Pressure and Choosing a Partner

17:54 Visa Pressure and the Cost of Achievement

22:53 Conditional Love and Immigrant Bargaining

30:16 Comparison, Social Media, and Alignment

38:00 Final Takeaways

39:00 Where to Find Paulomi

Paulomi Dave-Potter is a licensed therapist and the founder of Meeting You Therapy, working with first-generation Americans and foreign-born immigrants in the Boston-Cambridge area. You can reach her at meetingyoutherapy.com.

New episodes every Tuesday. If this one resonates, this is a good episode to send to a friend who's been struggling to quiet the noise in their life.

The number one fight new parents have isn't about money or in-laws. It's who does what and whether it feels fair.

Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova shares the five exercises she walks every pregnant couple through in her practice: mapping how your identity is about to shift, dividing the load as two full owners instead of one manager and one helper, designing a fourth trimester that feels supportive instead of controlling, building tiny new rituals that protect your relationship once the baby arrives, and creating a shared vision for the family you're actually building together.

Nearly two thirds of couples report a real dip in marital satisfaction in the first two years after having a baby. This episode is for the couples who want to be in the other third.

0:00 Intro: What No One Preps You for

3:52 Why Relationship Satisfaction Dips After Baby

5:58 Exercise 1: The Identity Pie

8:41 Exercise 2: Divide the Load as Two Owners

16:04 Exercise 3: Design Your Fourth Trimester

23:22 Exercise 4: Create New Rituals

30:11 Exercise 5: Build Your Shared Meaning

36:35 Takeaways and Recap

Templates for every exercise, plus the questions Dr. Heena and her own partner used to prepare their marriage, are at desi-dramas.com.

New episodes every Tuesday. If you're expecting or know someone who is, this is the episode to send them, alongside all the other support you are providing because we need all the help we can get during this transition.

Part 2 of the six core emotional needs every child has — this time, self-expression, safety, and self-worth.

Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova walks through why so many Desis learned that wanting things out loud was shameful, why "there's no reason to worry" quietly teaches kids their feelings are wrong, and why achievement-based self-worth becomes an engine that never stops running — even into marriage and parenthood.

You'll leave with exact phrases and actions for each need, drawn from real patterns Dr. Heena sees in her practice with Desi individuals, couples, and families.

Missed Part 1? Go back and listen to connection, autonomy, and realistic limits before this one.

The full guide for both episodes is at desi-dramas.com.

New episodes every Tuesday.