Desi Dramas

Your partner says you're being irresponsible with the credit card. And before you've given yourself a moment to formulate a response, you've already answered, attacking back.I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. In this episode, you're going to learn how I (and many others) approach therapy and help patients learn to respond in more intentional ways. 0:00 "Have you considered therapy?" What people mean when they say it0:31 Who I am: a Desi clinical psychologist1:22 Why we react: "You never call me" and "You're so irresponsible"2:20 The "space between stimulus and response" idea, often credited to Viktor Frankl3:26 What therapy is really about: insert a pause, choose an intentional response4:43 Talk from your emotions or about your emotions?5:07 How to respond to an angry partner: "change the music in that conversation"6:50 The STOP skill: how to pause and give yourself time in an argument11:03 The question to help you figure out how to respond13:48 Next week: "log kya kahenge"14:19 Takeaways: the framework, the skill, the questionCorrection: Turns out this quote was traced to Stephen R. Covey, who summarized Viktor Frankl's ideas using this quote. Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man's Search for Meaning. The STOP skill comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I learned the question about how you want someone to feel in your presence from Dr. Mona Fishbane, who will join us on the podcast in the new year.Next week: "log kya kahenge," the three words so many of us grew up hearing. Why it exists, how to handle it when it comes up, and a different question to ask yourself instead.Send this to someone who wants to be better at pausing and growing in their relationships. Every share helps normalize learning skills like these.And if you want to share a drama you are in, message me at desi-dramas.com. I might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

Do you feel constantly mad at your Desi parent? There is one exercise that can lessen that pain, and it doesn't require your parent to change.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. So many of my Desi patients tell me they carry anger and resentment toward their parents, and they feel helpless about it. The exercise is this: think of your mother as your grandmother's daughter, or your father as your grandfather's son, and get to know them that way. I did this with my own parents a couple of years ago, and I walked away seeing them as whole people, separate from being my parents. In this episode, you're going to learn exactly how to start the conversation, the questions to ask, and what to say at the end.

0:00 The exercise to lessen the pain you feel with your Desi parents

2:35 Who I am: a Desi clinical psychologist

2:52 Why it works: "Think of your mother as your grandmother's daughter"

3:17 Why Desis struggle to see their parents as whole people

4:14 Be curious, like you're meeting a new friend

5:13 How to ask your parent: the exact words to start the interview

5:50 Questions to ask your parents about growing up in their family

7:37 Questions about the child they were: fear, pride, favorite memories

8:44 Questions about becoming a parent: their hopes, dreams

9:52 How to close the interview with gratitude

10:05 When your parent had a difficult childhood

10:30 Takeaways: you have the agency to lessen your own pain

12:25 Next week: three tools for when you feel reactive

All the questions are at desi-dramas.com.

Next week: what to do when you feel really reactive, with your parents, your spouse, or a friend. Three simple tools to regulate yourself and act more in line with your values.

Send this to a sibling who carries the same anger you do.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

During conflicts, it's not what you're fighting about. It's not what you're fighting against. It's what you're fighting for. There are 4 categories of needs that most couples are fighting for. Dr. Corky Becker just co-authored a paper on it and presents them here.

To read the full paper: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC13473024/

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. This week I sit down with Dr. Corky Becker, a couples therapist who has worked with couples since the 1970s and whose Family Process paper with John Sargent lays out the four things we fight for: connection, identity, agency, and values. In this episode, you'll learn what each one means, how to spot the lead horse in your own fight, and how to turn a complaint into a request. Then I hand Corky three composite couples, made up from patterns I've seen with Desi partners, and she works out what each one is fighting for.

00:00 Teaser — "I want to be a good Indian son, but I want to be a good American husband"

01:17 Meet Corky Becker: "what are you fighting for?"

04:54 The Esther Perel moment behind the question

07:13 How to stop reacting in a fight — advocate for yourself like you would for a friend

12:12 The four needs in relationships: connection, identity, agency, values

16:06 Competing values in South Asian couples — home-country legacy vs. American life

17:26 How the categories are an antidote to the four horsemen

19:42 Three composite couples: what is each one fighting for?

21:05 Case 1, in-law conflict couple

27:34 From complaint to request: a three-step map for any couple fight

32:11 Case 2, money and trust couple

44:33 Case 3, high reactivity couple

49:14 "Nobody gets unconditional love"

52:13 How to calm down mid-fight

57:55 Questions to find what you're fighting for

61:07 In-laws and the triangle and how to keep the focus between you two

63:23 When your values really clash: deal breakers vs. differences you can live with

Each couple also has its own video:

Case 1, the in-law conflict: https://youtu.be/bnqIzXA8jkQ

Case 2, money and trust: https://youtu.be/wNvy_Tg9WhY

Case 3, high reactivity: https://youtu.be/9mJk_5ZjJ6Y

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

#DesiDramas #DesiMentalHealth #SouthAsianMentalHealth #DesiTherapist #ImmigrantMentalHealth #couplestherapy #desimarriage #relationshipadvice #communicationskills #southasian

You might feel like the villain in your own family. You're not. But there's something underneath every fight with your kids that you've probably never had language for...until now.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist. Last week I gave you the exact words to ask your grown child for time, respect, and empathy. This week isn't about the what — it's about the why. Five things Desi aunties have uncovered in therapy about themselves, and the one gentle need hiding underneath each one.

0:00 Teaser — you're not the villain, but it might feel like it

2:06 Who I am — a Desi clinical psychologist

3:11 Insight one: your reaction is older than the fight you're having

5:01 "It's kind of like debt" — what one generation doesn't resolve

5:44 The need underneath: to matter

6:16 Insight two: you're parenting without the village you expected

8:15 Insight three: the invisible labor is the worry, not the tasks

8:22 Deepa aunty and her daughter Sona's wedding guest list

9:01 "Log kya kahenge?" — the worry underneath the worry

10:57 Insight four: you're teaching your daughter what womanhood costs

11:15 The three things a daughter does with what she's learned

14:02 Insight five: every complaint you have is a need in disguise

14:34 The mundan story — what my mom was really fighting for

15:57 Say the need before the request

17:18 Takeaways — five insights, five needs

And if you're stuck in your own drama, send it to me at desi-dramas.com. I might unpack it anonymously in a future episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

New episodes every Tuesday.

This is Desi Dramas. It isn't therapy, but I trust it has been therapeutic. Find one need you constantly long for, and bring that to the conversation.

Desi aunty, you are the villain, but only because no one ever taught you how to ask for what you actually want.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist. If you have ever forwarded your grown child one of those videos that are intended to create guilt, I bet it didn't work to bring you closer to your child. What's underneath that forward is much simpler: you want time, you want respect, you want empathy. So in this episode I take three things you already know from the rasoi: a pressure cooker, a karahi on too-high heat, and the spices you roast early on to show you exactly what to say instead.

0:00 Teaser — "Desi aunty, you are the villain"

0:02 The guilt-trip video Desi parents forward to their grown children

0:58 What you actually want: time, respect, and empathy

1:10 Who am I? — a Desi clinical psychologist

1:25 Time — "You have all this time for your friends and none for us"

1:56 Your grown child is a pressure cooker

3:03 Say this instead: "I would love to see you. No pressure."

3:37 Respect — coming in hot burns the sabzi

4:06 Turn down the heat: "I have some ideas. Tell me what you've thought about already."

5:27 Empathy — the spices go in early or not at all

6:20 "It must be so hard for you to juggle everything you have going on"

7:30 Takeaways

Next week: Desi aunty, you are NOT the villain. This episode is the what — what to say and do differently. Next week is the why: why you feel what you feel with your child, and where that reaction actually came from.

And if you're stuck in your own drama, send it to me at desi-dramas.com. I might unpack it anonymously in a future episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

The secret to fighting well as a couple is to be in different rooms — and most couples do this wrong. They stay and try to fight it out, even when they are flooded.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. Last episode you met Akash and Sheetal: whenever Sheetal criticized, Akash withdrew, and the more he withdrew, the more she criticized. That's their dance, and every couple has one.

In this episode I walk through the three mistakes that keep couples stuck in theirs — including the one sentence you can say when you're too angry to think straight, the one that keeps a fight from blowing up the whole relationship.

The "time out, not walk out" language comes from Dr. Mona DeKoven Fishbane's research on couple therapy. The speaker/listener structure in mistake three draws on the Gottman method.

0:00 Teaser — the secret to fighting well as a couple0:48 Who I am — a Desi clinical psychologist1:05 Mistake one — you make your partner the problem2:16 The fix: blame the dance, not each other3:04 Mistake two — staying in a fight when you're flooded4:34 The exact sentence that stops a fight from going nuclear5:44 Mistake three — talking over each other, and the speaking-pillow fix7:42 The one-word shift: "I understand" vs. "I want to understand"8:14 Takeaways — three mistakes, three fixes9:52 My ask — watch it together, send me your drama10:24 What's coming next: what are you fighting for?

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Episode summary/message Dr. Heena: https://desi-dramas.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

What so many couples get wrong is that they look for the problem in their partner. In actuality, their conflicts usually play out as a pattern. A dance. And it repeats no matter what the fight is about on the surface.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist based out of California. One of the first things I do with any couple is map out their dance. In this episode you watch me do it with a couple I call Akash and Sheetal, whose fight looked like it was about a missed soccer game and was really about two childhood wounds. Sheetal was scared of being alone. Akash's was that he was failing. When Sheetal criticizes, Akash goes quiet, and each move lands on the other's tender spot. This is the one that may move you from looking for the issue in your partner to looking at the pattern WITH your partner.

00:00 Why every fight sounds like the same fight

00:16 Akash and Sheetal's story

01:17 She criticizes, he withdraws: the pattern on the surface

01:28 Going below deck — what the fight is actually about

01:41 Sheetal's vulnerability: "I always felt alone" as a child

03:05 Akash's vulnerability: "I feel like I'm failing"

03:28 Where Akash learned to go quiet — his parents' marriage

04:37 The dance mapped out: criticize, withdraw, repeat

05:07 Neither partner is the problem — the pattern is

05:54 Name your dance so you can catch it: "we're doing the ghidda again"

07:26 What to do this week with your partner, and what's coming next

The dance and vulnerability-cycle framework draws on Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson) and the work of Mona DeKoven Fishbane and Michele Scheinkman.

Next week is part two: once you and your partner have named your dance, what are the first moves that get you out of it?

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

What if you can communicate like you are building a plate of chaat? Papdi, chickpeas, dahi, chutneys, sev. Observation, thoughts, feelings, needs, request. These are 5 key ingredients that help you be vulnerable. It's how you can say what's true for you but not unkind to the other. The couples I see say the same thing again and again: when they stick to this, it works. So I'm serving it up through some in-law drama. Your husband agrees to Saturday at his parents' house without asking you first.If it tastes a little foreign, it should because you are trying a new way of communicating.

Chapters:

0:00 Why food is how you get a Desi to listen

1:00 What couples say about this communication framework

1:35 Who I am

1:55 Part 1: The papdi — the observation

3:12 Part 2: The chickpeas — the story I'm telling myself

4:19 Part 3: The dahi — the feeling

4:44 Part 4: The chutneys — the need

5:12 Part 5: The sev — the request

5:51 The whole plate, start to finish

Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.com

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

#DesiDramas #NonviolentCommunication #SouthAsianMentalHealth #DesiCouples #DesiTherapist #InLaws #CommunicationSkills #BrownGirlTherapy

What do you want from therapy? Better communication. But what Desis ask for is usually not where we begin. To communicate better, we actually need to be better listeners.In this video, I break down three blockers to communication: reassurance, problem-solving, and derailing. These are pervasive, so much so, that I share what happened when I called my own mom from the ER after my six-month-old was admitted. Once you learn these blockers to listening well, you'll learn one phrase to communicate better. It's something you can start using this week to say hard things without them landing as an attack.Chapters:0:00 Why "communicate better" advice fails1:00 Who I am1:24 Blocker #1: Reassurance ("Sab teek ho jayega")1:49 Desi mom gives reassurance when something else was needed3:49 Blocker #2: Problem-solving too soon5:41 Blocker #3: Derailing7:46 The replacement: "The story I'm telling myself is…"8:19 Takeaways: what to ask insteadNext Tuesday: the full communication framework I use with Desis in my practice.To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

Every couple that goes to therapy makes the same mistake. They describe the fight. Who said what, when, where, why, how. But that is not what I am listening for.

I'm listening for what is beneath sea level. I help couples go beneath the deck to see what's deeper. This is how they avoid crashing into the iceberg and do conflict better. In this episode I give you the three tools I hand almost every couple I see in our first sessions, plus one sentence that works as a lifeboat when you have already crashed.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. Going below the deck to that emotional level was probably not modeled in most Desi families, so I model it here, using a couple I call Nikki and Jay and a fight about unpaid bills that was never really about the bills.

00:00 Teaser — the one mistake every couple in therapy makes

00:18 Your conflict is the iceberg: how couples therapy actually works

02:13 Communication tool 1 — speak about your emotions, not from your emotions

03:00 Nikki and Jay: the fight about the unpaid bills

04:03 Communication tool 2 — "I" statements that are true but not unkind

05:30 Communication tool 3 — go below the deck, into the vulnerability

06:35 Why it was never about the bills: Nikki as the eldest daughter

07:29 The one sentence to say mid-fight — "I can see that you're hurting"

08:21 What Desi parents' marriages never modeled — "Growing up, did you see that?"

09:06 Takeaways — three tools and one lifeboat

The quotes from tools one and two come from my mentor, licensed clinical social worker Liz Brenner, who was on the podcast last week talking about in-law drama. Go listen to that one next.

Next week: after you say "I see you're hurting," what do you actually do? I give you a framework for navigating any difficult conversation, with a partner, a parent, a friend, or a colleague.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Website: https://desi-dramas.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple

Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

New episodes every Tuesday.

This isn't therapy, but I trust it has been therapeutic. Share this with your co-captain.