The Moment of Safety

"Safety in another’s arms"

It all begins with the steady, rhythmic heartbeat. Deep breaths rise and fall like a gentle wind, accompanied by the melodious resonance of a familiar voice.

These sounds, muffled and soothing, envelop the infant in a world of warmth and calm— a first experience of safety within existence.

The surround is warm, soft and floaty, no awareness of need exists. Time passes with an awareness that space becomes constricted yet comforting.

Just when space becomes too restrictive environments change and for the first time a new sensation of urgency sets in. A hunger to breathe.

A first panic, a first breath, a first moment of unsafety, coldness, loudness, hardness. Then somehow someone holds, calms and soothes these scary moments.

Sounds have changed, the heartbeat distant then near, the melodious voice comes and recedes. A strange emptiness builds of hunger and breath increases into a state of discomfort.

Then that heartbeat, calm melodious voice and a soft warm satin skin meet my lips with a natural delicious sweet nectar that soothes hunger until a return of safe satisfying pleasure of sleep.

Time passes with mostly pleasurable safe sleep, breast fulls of nectar, secure hands attending to any strange discomfort.

Glimpses of bright light, shapes and curious faces fascinate, bringing pleasures to the eyes. Soft caring voices and sounds bring pleasure to the ears.

Breath is deep, calm and comforted in safety. Favorite moments are being held close to carer’s warm soft skin, suckling and listening to her melodious voice, exploring her happy eyes, feeling her comforting touch.

When the world gets scary, overwhelming this is where safety resides.

This is the first haven of safety.

This is the first bond of pleasure, contentment and love.

This is the first safe other.

This is a brief description of the initial fundamental safety needs for an infant to survive and thrive. It is a reality based fundamental need for any infant and has been explored by such psychological giants such as Dr John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in their research on healthy attachment theory.

According to attachment theory, infants have a survival instinct to seek out proximity to an identified caregiver or “attachment figure” in situations of perceived distress, alarm for comfort and/or pleasure.

Infants become attached to caregivers who are sensitive and responsive in their interactions with the infant, and who remain as consistent caregivers for some months during the period from infancy to two years of age.

These caregiver responses which are most often “Parental” lead to the development of patterns of attachment which in turn lead to "internal working models" that will guide the individual's feelings, thoughts, and expectations in later relationships.

Dr Bowlby explained in his three volume book series on attachment that all humans develop an internal working model of the self and an internal working model of others. The self-model and other-model are built off these early experiences with their primary caregiver most often the mother, and shape an individual's expectation on future interactions with others as well as interactions within interpersonal relationships.

The self-model will determine how the individual sees themselves, which will impact their self-confidence, self-esteem, dependency and their inner dialog.

The other-model will determine how an individual sees others and the world, which will impact their avoidance or approach orientation, loneliness, isolation, and social interactions.

In Bowlby's approach, the human infant is considered to have a fundamental need for a safe and secure relationship with it’s adult caregivers, without which normal social and emotional development will not occur.

As the toddler grows, it will use its attachment figure or figures to form a "secure base" from which to explore the world.

Mary Ainsworth, a close associate of Dr Bolwby used this feature in addition to "stranger wariness" and reunion behaviours, to develop a reality based research tool called the "strange situation" for developing and classifying different attachment styles.

In 1965, Ainsworth designed the Strange Situation Procedure as a way of assessing individual differences in attachment behavior by evoking the child's reaction when encountering stress within a real world situation.

On the basis of their behaviours and responses, the children in Ainsworth's study were placed into one of four classifications. Each of these classifications reflects a different kind of attachment relationship with the caregiver, and implies different forms of communication, emotional regulation, and ways of responding to perceived threats.

The four classifications are:

Secure Attachment, Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious-Ambivilant and Disorganised-Disoriented.

In this chapter we explore more deeply the Secure Attachment and will discuss the others in the next chapter.

Secure Attachment

A child who has formed a secure attachment relationship to its caregiver (most often the mother) will explore freely while the caregiver is present, using her as a 'safe base' from which to explore. The child will engage with the stranger when the caregiver is present, but will be visibly upset when the caregiver departs and happy to see the caregiver on his or her return.

It is important to understand that this safe secure attachment results from a total experience from birth - not just food needs - it is the total autonomic nervous system that is secured - touch, sound, taste, sight, interaction from the primary caregiver.

In a safe secure child the autonomic nervous system develops in a well balanced way - the sympathetic response (survival discomfort, threat, scared) is well balanced with the parasympathetic response (contentment, secure, happy) - the primary survival emotions develop in a coherent manner.

This safe secure attachment can be further supported by other close caregiver interactions - father, siblings, grandparents , nanny etc. It is more important to maintain coherence and consistency of care. The more coherent and safe these are the more the world will seem secure, safe and understandable.

The reason why I appreciate Dr John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s work so much is that it is a theoretical concept that has been tested and validated in the real world with real objective consistent follow up. This is rare in the area of psychology.

Children who participated in Mary Ainsworth’s studies had follow up sessions into adulthood to see if the child attachment classification could be detected within their own caregiving style, their relationships, intelligence, health and general wellbeing. This has proven valuable as Secure Attachment children are highly associated to be Secure Caregivers more likely to again transmit a secure base for their own children, to have better relationships, schooling and career success, as well as better wellbeing outcomes.

It is important to not imply perfection here, this is an rare situation. I am merely laying the foundation that safety is a primary for an infant, child, toddler to firstly survive , thrive and build a secure attachment with its first world - that of its primary caregivers and environment. This can create a safe and secure base for further development.

In Mary Ainsworth’s words “…maintaining a degree of proximity to Attachment figures is one that goes the whole way through, from infancy to old age. I think that the secure base phenomenon is something that is focal to the concept of attachment relationships at all ages.”

I would like to emphasize this point which is most often overlooked that an Attachment pattern is developed continuously from birth through till adulthood. I do not wish the reader to assume that the attachment pattern is limited to just the first few years of life. While the first few years are certainly the most impactful it is crucial to realize that life is not perfect and in the first few years a child could have certain caregivers that give it a secure base but then through other factors such as family breakup, lack of continuity due to life events etc the secure base can be undermined.

This is why my default position is that the majority of adults today operate from a framework of a lack of Safety. In fact just a general inspection of the world at large reveals that most individuals will speak of major challenges in their secure base. I will discuss this further in the next chapters but for now I wanted to make it clear to not think in absolutes, since each individual will have had a unique childhood experience.

The concept of safety is also supported by another great psychological genius, Erik Erikson who developed the life stage model of psychological development - during this first stage of life the child integrates the beginnings of basic trust vs. basic mistrust.

Erikson views this as the most fundamental stage of life, as a stage upon which all others build. We will explore other stages in later chapters.

The primary caregiver carries out, demonstrates and reflects her inner perceptions of trustworthiness, a sense of personal meaning on the child.

An important part of this stage is that the caregiving is stable and consistent. This helps the child develop trust that can transition into relationships other than parental. Additionally, children develop trust in others to support them, often called a sense of hope.

The successful development of this stage allows the child to develop a sense of trust, which "forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity." Failure to develop this trust will result in a feeling of fear and a sense that the world is inconsistent, unpredictable and fundamentally untrustworthy.

To illustrate and give you real life examples of how this looks in the world, here is a story illustrating Secure Attachment in a younger toddler, around two years old, exploring a new space for the first time:

The Playroom Discovery

Two-year-old Leo clung to his father’s leg as they entered the brightly colored playroom for the first time. The room was full of toys, books, and a few other toddlers exploring and playing. A cheerful teacher greeted them, crouching to Leo’s level. “Hi, Leo! Would you like to play with the blocks over here?” she asked, pointing to a nearby table stacked with colorful shapes.

Leo glanced at the teacher, then buried his face in his father’s knee. “It’s okay, buddy,” his father said, kneeling down to Leo’s level. “I’m right here. You can check it out whenever you’re ready.” Leo peeked out, his eyes darting toward the blocks and back to his father.

After a few moments, Leo shuffled closer to the block table, still gripping his father’s hand. He picked up a red block and turned it over in his small hands, his father watching calmly from a few steps away. The teacher sat nearby, stacking blocks into a tower. “Look, Leo!” she said with a gentle smile, pointing to her creation. “Do you want to add this blue one?”

Leo hesitated, then took the blue block from her hand and added it to the tower. His father gave him an encouraging nod. “Nice work, Leo! That looks great,” he said. Buoyed by his father’s praise, Leo reached for another block, growing more engaged in the activity.

As the minutes passed, Leo ventured a little farther from his father, experimenting with the blocks and even handing one to another toddler who wandered over. Occasionally, Leo glanced back to his father, who smiled reassuringly. When the teacher brought out a new toy—a rolling car track—Leo’s excitement grew. He darted back to his father, tugging on his sleeve. “Daddy, look!” he said, pulling him toward the new toy.

“You go try it, and I’ll be right here,” his father said, sitting down in a nearby chair. Leo hesitated, then walked back to the track, casting quick glances over his shoulder to ensure his father hadn’t moved.

When it was time to leave, Leo ran back to his father, hugging his legs. “Did you have fun, Leo?” his father asked as he lifted him into his arms. Leo nodded, smiling. “Blocks!” he exclaimed. His father chuckled, “Yeah, you did great with those blocks.”

Analysis:

Secure Base: Leo’s father remained a calm, consistent presence, allowing Leo to explore the new environment at his own pace while providing reassurance when needed.

Proximity and Exploration: Leo initially stayed close to his father, then gradually ventured farther as he gained confidence, occasionally seeking visual or physical reassurance.

Emotional Regulation: Leo managed his initial hesitancy with support from his father and teacher, learning to feel safe in a new and slightly stressful situation.

This story parallels the Strange Situation test, demonstrating how a securely attached child balances exploration with seeking comfort and reassurance, adapting to a novel environment through trust in a caregiver.

Lets take this further to show how from this beginning the child builds upon their safety in their development. Here’s a brief story illustrating Secure Attachment in a toddler at a playground:

The Playground Adventure

Three-year-old Ellie ran toward the playground, her tiny sneakers crunching on the gravel path. Her mother, Lisa, trailed a few steps behind, smiling as she watched Ellie’s excitement. “I’m climbing the big slide!” Ellie announced, her voice full of determination.

As Ellie approached the towering slide, she hesitated, glancing back at her mother. Lisa gave her an encouraging nod and said, “You can do it, sweetie. I’m right here if you need me.” Ellie turned back to the slide, reassured by her mother’s calm presence.

Ellie climbed the ladder, her hands gripping tightly as she reached the top. For a moment, she froze, looking down at the long slide. “Mommy, I’m scared!” she called out. Lisa walked closer but stopped at the base of the slide. “You’re doing so well! Take your time. I’m here if you want to come down another way.”

Ellie’s face softened. “Okay,” she said, sitting down at the top of the slide. After a deep breath, she pushed herself forward, squealing with delight as she slid down. Lisa clapped and cheered, scooping Ellie up in a warm hug at the bottom. “You were so brave!” she said.

Buoyed by her success, Ellie spent the next hour exploring the playground, running between the swings, the sandbox, and the climbing ropes. Each time she tried something new, she looked back to see her mother watching. If Lisa waved or gave her a thumbs-up, Ellie grinned and kept going. When she felt unsure or overwhelmed by a group of older kids near the monkey bars, she ran back to Lisa, nestling close for a moment before venturing out again.

As they walked home hand in hand, Ellie chattered about her adventures. “I was scared, but I did it! You saw, right?” Lisa nodded, “I saw. You were amazing, Ellie.” The little girl beamed, feeling proud and secure, knowing her mother was always there for her.

Analysis:

Secure Base: Ellie’s mother provided a calm and supportive presence, encouraging exploration while remaining available for reassurance.

Emotional Regulation: Ellie was able to manage her fear with her mother’s gentle guidance, developing confidence in her abilities.

Autonomy and Connection: Ellie explored independently but consistently checked back with her mother for affirmation, a hallmark of secure attachment.

This story captures the balance of independence and reassurance characteristic of a securely attached child, highlighting how a caregiver fosters safety and freedom simultaneously.

Finally here’s a story of a teenager that illustrates Secure Attachment as individuals move through adolescence and approach adulthood:

The College Drop-Off

Samantha, an 18-year-old, was packing up her belongings to leave for college. Her mother, Lisa, helped her carefully sort through clothes and mementos, offering words of encouragement. They shared laughter about old photos and joked about how Samantha might have to learn to cook.

The morning of the drop-off, Lisa drove Samantha to campus. Samantha was nervous but also excited. Lisa sensed her daughter’s mixed emotions and said, “It’s okay to feel a little scared. Remember, you’ve got this, and I’m just a phone call away if you need me.”

When they arrived at the dorm, Lisa helped Samantha unpack and set up her room. They hugged tightly before Lisa left, and Samantha felt a pang of sadness but also a deep sense of reassurance. Her mother’s words echoed in her mind: “I believe in you.”

Over the next few weeks, Samantha adjusted to her new life. She called her mother occasionally to share her experiences, from making new friends to figuring out her schedule. Lisa listened attentively but never pushed too hard, giving Samantha space to grow while staying available for support.

When Samantha faced a stressful exam, she remembered her mother’s advice: “Take a deep breath. You’ve worked hard, and you’re capable.” This reminder calmed her, and she aced the test.

Analysis:

Secure Base: Lisa provided emotional support and encouragement while allowing Samantha to explore her new environment independently.

Confidence in Relationships: Samantha felt comfortable sharing her feelings with her mother without fear of judgment.

Self-Assured Independence: Because of the secure attachment, Samantha had the confidence to tackle challenges, knowing her mother was there if needed.

This story illustrates how secure attachment fosters resilience, healthy communication, and emotional regulation in real-life scenarios.

I hope that through these stories it becomes clear in a very real world situation how the self identity of a human is fundamentally developed and supported by caregivers in their early life, creating a deep resilience in the nervous system.

It is important to see this as not purely resting in the mind, but as integrated into the entire body. The brain, nervous system, hormonal system etc all become imbued with stability and integration leading to this secure base.

It is from here that further development can proceed into the full aliveness of human flourishing in the future life stages of an individual. We will explore those in future chapters.

Before we get there, let's explore what it's like if safety is not a given, which in my opinion is far more common within the population. That will be our next dialogue.

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