Lack of Safety

"Anxiety in another’s arms"

It begins with the rhythmic heartbeat, though sometimes it feels hurried or erratic.

Deep breaths rise and fall, but they are often overshadowed by sudden jarring noises — sharp voices, unfamiliar sounds, and moments of disconnection.

The surround is warm but has a sense of tension that gives way to an awareness of need — a need that lingers unmet.

Time passes with an awareness that space is constricting, and becomes unsettling.

The first breath brings coldness, loudness, and hardness, and though arms eventually hold the infant, at times they lack the surety to calm or soothe. Moments of distress often stretch longer, leaving behind a faint residue of unease.

Sounds have changed — the once steady heartbeat now distant and irregular. The familiar voice comes and goes unpredictably, sometimes absent when needed most. Hunger builds to an uncomfortable crescendo, and cries grow louder, but the relief is inconsistent, arriving late or in an agitated manner.

When the soft skin and nourishing nectar arrive, they sometimes soothe, but other times are accompanied by hurried movements or distracted hands. Sleep comes fitfully, punctuated by moments of discomfort that are slow to be attended to.

The bright lights and shapes overwhelm more than fascinate. Faces approach but feel unfamiliar, with smiles that flicker and fade. The touch is sometimes soft but often abrupt or absent, leaving sensations of fear and confusion.

Breath is shallow, punctuated by moments of unease. The arms that should bring safety feel uncertain, and the once-comforting voice lacks the warmth of connection. The favorite moments are fleeting, interrupted by longer periods of discomfort, tension, or loneliness.

When the world gets scary or overwhelming, safety is not always there.

The haven of safety feels elusive, fragmented, or unreliable.

What this story illustrates

Uncertainty and Inconsistency: The story captures the lack of predictable caregiving, leaving the infant in a state of heightened stress and uncertainty.

Unmet Needs: Delays or failures in addressing the infant’s physical and emotional needs highlight the absence of consistent soothing.

Loss of Trust in Caregivers: The unpredictable presence of warmth and comfort erodes the infant’s ability to rely on their caregiver, creating an early sense of instability.

Note how this story contrasts vividly with the secure version and helps show what is missing in a world where safety is not consistent or common.

The effect on the nervous system is that increased stresses modify into two main survival modes:

Stress Avoidance - a coping mechanism to suppress the nervous system by withdrawing, shutting down, dismissing the reality being faced.

Stress Anxiety - a coping mechanism to heighten the sympathetic response, make needs more vocal, more frequent, increase dependance and increase demands.

Disorganized - A combination of the two survival modes can also develop.

These adaptations form the behavior patterns of the Insecure Attachment styles - Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious-Resistant, and Disorganized/Disoriented.

Below are stories illustrating each insecure attachment style in the context of a toddler exploring a new space, similar to the Strange Situation Procedure.

These stories reflect how deficiencies in safety influence nervous system coping, attachment behaviors, and emotional regulation.

The Quiet Observer : (Anxious-Avoidant Style)

Two-year-old Max stood near the entrance to the playroom, his arms crossed over his chest. His caregiver, Sarah, sat on a bench nearby, scrolling through her phone. “Go play, Max,” she said without looking up.

Max glanced at the toys scattered across the room and the other children playing, but he didn’t move. Instead, he leaned against the wall, his expression neutral. A teacher walked over and knelt beside him. “Hi, Max! Do you want to try building with the blocks?” she asked, holding out a red cube.

Max hesitated, then took the block and set it down on the floor without engaging further. He stayed close to the wall, watching the other children but making no effort to join in. When Sarah stood to leave for a moment, Max’s eyes briefly followed her, but he made no noise or movement to stop her.

When Sarah returned, Max didn’t look up. He sat on the floor, pushing a toy car back and forth without much interest. “Having fun?” Sarah asked with a quick glance, but Max didn’t respond. To an observer, Max seemed indifferent, but his tense shoulders and tight grip on the toy car hinted at the effort it took to suppress his distress.

Analysis:

Nervous System Response: Max’s lack of visible emotion is a coping mechanism for underlying distress, consistent with the “masking” behavior noted in avoidant attachment. His nervous system is likely in a low-level fight-or-flight state, as evidenced by his withdrawal and guarded demeanor.

Caregiver Influence: Sarah’s disengaged responses teach Max that his emotional needs won’t necessarily be met, leading him to suppress them to avoid further rejection.

Behavioral Impact: Max avoids seeking comfort and doesn’t explore the environment confidently, reflecting a lack of trust in his caregiver’s availability.

Here’s a second story that illustrates Insecure-Avoidant Attachment as an individual approaches adulthood:

The College Drop-Off : (Anxious-Avoidant Style)

Jake, an 18-year-old, was packing for college in a rush. His father, Mark, sat nearby scrolling through his phone, occasionally glancing up. “You got everything you need?” Mark asked without much interest. Jake nodded, avoiding eye contact. They didn’t talk much as they loaded the car, and Mark didn’t ask how Jake was feeling.

When they arrived at the dorm, Mark helped unload the car silently. Jake hesitated as they stood by the door. He wanted to say something about being nervous, but he stopped himself. Growing up, Jake had learned that his feelings were often dismissed. Mark would say things like, “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” or, “You’re fine, stop overthinking.”

“Alright, you’re all set,” Mark said abruptly, giving Jake a pat on the back. “Call if you need anything.” Jake mumbled, “Yeah, sure,” but didn’t plan to call. As Mark walked away, Jake felt a wave of discomfort but quickly suppressed it.

Over the next few weeks, Jake avoided thinking about home. When he struggled with homesickness, he distracted himself with video games or hung out with his new roommates. He rarely reached out to his father, thinking, He wouldn’t care, anyway. When he faced challenges, like failing his first quiz, he told himself, I don’t need anyone. I’ll figure it out.

Analysis:

Emotional Distance: Mark’s dismissive attitude made Jake feel that expressing emotions wasn’t safe or productive.

Independence as a Defense: Jake learned to rely only on himself, avoiding emotional vulnerability or seeking support.

Avoidance of Close Relationships: Jake’s avoidance of calling home or opening up to his father shows how he downplayed the importance of emotional connection, even though deep down, he felt its absence.

This story highlights how an Insecure-Avoidant attachment style can lead to emotional suppression, a reluctance to seek help, and a focus on self-reliance, often at the cost of deeper connections and emotional well-being.

Lets now examine the next form of Insecure Attachment, starting with the toddler story:

The Clinging Tornado : (Anxious-Ambivalent Style)

Two-year-old Sophie clung tightly to her father, James, as they entered the playroom. Her small hands gripped his shirt, and she buried her face in his shoulder. “Come on, Sophie, let’s look at the toys,” James said gently, trying to coax her into the room.

Sophie whimpered, refusing to let go. When James sat her down near a table of blocks, she immediately climbed back into his lap, crying loudly. “I’m not going anywhere, Sophie. Look, I’m right here,” James said, patting her back. After a few minutes, she hesitantly reached for a block, keeping one hand on his leg.

When James stood to leave briefly, Sophie’s cries escalated into screams. She ran toward him, pulling at his pant leg, her face red and tear-streaked. “I’ll be back in just a second,” James reassured her, but she shook her head violently, refusing to let go.

When James returned, Sophie clung to him, her cries softening but her body still tense. She didn’t let go for the rest of their visit, refusing to engage with the toys or other children. Even in her father’s arms, she seemed upset, occasionally hitting his chest or pulling at his shirt in frustration.

Analysis:

Nervous System Response: Sophie’s intense clinging and difficulty calming herself indicate a hyperactivated sympathetic response. Her distress persists even when comforted, as her nervous system remains on high alert.

Caregiver Influence: Inconsistent caregiving has made Sophie unsure whether her needs will be met, leading to excessive dependency and difficulty trusting her environment.

Behavioral Impact: Sophie’s anxiety prevents her from exploring, and her mixed behaviors (clinging yet frustrated) reflect her struggle to reconcile her need for comfort with her mistrust.

Here’s a story of a teenager that demonstrates Anxious-Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment, showing how it contrasts with secure and avoidant styles:

The College Drop-Off : (Anxious-Ambivalent Style)

Mia, an 18-year-old, was preparing for her first year at college. Her mother, Rachel, hovered over her as she packed. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? I don’t know if I can handle you being so far away,” Rachel said, her voice trembling. Mia felt a knot in her stomach. She was excited about starting this new chapter, but her mother’s anxiety made her feel guilty.

On the drive to campus, Rachel kept asking, “Are you sure this is the right decision? What if something goes wrong? What if you need me and I’m not there?” Mia assured her repeatedly, “I’ll be fine, Mom,” but Rachel’s doubt lingered.

When they arrived at the dorm, Rachel refused to leave right away. She unpacked every box, fussed over Mia’s bedding, and kept offering unsolicited advice. “You’re going to call me every day, right? Promise me you won’t forget,” Rachel said, her tone almost pleading.

As Rachel finally left, Mia felt torn. Part of her wanted to explore her new independence, but another part worried about how her mother would cope without her. Over the next few weeks, Mia called her mom frequently, feeling obligated to check in. Rachel often sounded worried on the phone, asking detailed questions about Mia’s day and expressing concern about every small challenge Mia mentioned.

When Mia had a disagreement with her roommate, she called Rachel in tears. Instead of helping Mia problem-solve, Rachel said, “See? I knew this would be too hard for you.” Mia felt frustrated and overwhelmed but also dependent on her mother’s approval and guidance.

Analysis:

Inconsistent Emotional Support: Rachel’s overly anxious and intrusive behavior made Mia feel simultaneously smothered and uncertain about her ability to manage challenges independently.

Clinginess and Guilt: Mia’s internal conflict between seeking independence and feeling responsible for her mother’s emotional well-being is a hallmark of ambivalent attachment.

Difficulty Regulating Emotions: Mia’s heightened emotional reactions and reliance on her mother during stressful situations reflect the insecurity rooted in inconsistent caregiving.

This story shows how Insecure-Ambivalent/Resistant attachment can lead to anxiety about separation, dependence on reassurance, and difficulty developing autonomy, creating a cycle of emotional highs and lows in relationships.

Finally lets take a look at the Disorganized Attachment Style:

The Conflicted Explorer : (Disorganized/Disoriented Style)

Two-year-old Jonah hesitated at the doorway of the playroom, his caregiver, Megan, standing behind him. “Go on, Jonah. Play with the toys,” Megan said with a forced smile.

Jonah took a few steps into the room, then stopped abruptly. He turned back to Megan, his face anxious, and then darted toward the table of blocks. He grabbed a handful of blocks, dumping them onto the floor, but his movements were frenetic and uncoordinated. After a moment, he froze, staring blankly at the scattered blocks.

The teacher approached, crouching beside him. “Do you want to build something, Jonah?” she asked gently. Jonah flinched, dropping the block in his hand. He ran toward Megan, stopping halfway and standing still, his body stiff. Megan sighed. “You’re fine, Jonah,” she said flatly, but didn’t move to comfort him.

Jonah crouched on the floor, rocking slightly as he picked at the edge of his shirt. When Megan stepped out briefly, Jonah froze, his wide eyes darting around the room. He alternated between standing up and sitting down, his movements jerky and uncertain. When Megan returned, Jonah ran toward her but stopped short, staring at her with a mix of fear and relief. He approached slowly, then turned and ran back to the blocks, picking one up and throwing it across the room.

Analysis:

Nervous System Response: Jonah’s disorganized behavior reflects a chaotic nervous system response, with conflicting impulses to seek comfort and avoid it. His actions suggest both hyperactivation and dissociation.

Caregiver Influence: Megan’s inconsistent and possibly frightening responses have left Jonah without a reliable strategy for seeking comfort, leading to confusion and fear.

Behavioral Impact: Jonah’s erratic exploration and mixed behaviors (proximity-seeking followed by avoidance) reflect his inability to develop a coherent attachment strategy.

Here’s a story of a teenager illustrating Disorganized Attachment, characterized by conflicting behaviors and fear in relationships due to inconsistent or traumatic caregiving experiences:

The College Drop-Off : (Disorganized Attachment Style)

Jordan, an 18-year-old, was packing for college while his mother, Linda, sat at the kitchen table drinking wine. She occasionally called out, “Don’t forget who paid for this college dream of yours,” her tone sharp. Jordan worked silently, trying to avoid provoking her.

Linda had always been unpredictable. Some days, she was overly affectionate, smothering Jordan with attention. Other days, she would lash out over minor frustrations, yelling or giving him the silent treatment for hours. Growing up, Jordan learned to be hyper-vigilant, never sure what version of his mother he would encounter.

On the drive to campus, Linda alternated between long silences and sudden bursts of anger. “Don’t think you’re going to just forget about me now that you’re going to college,” she snapped at one point. Jordan nodded, not trusting himself to respond.

At the dorm, Linda insisted on staying longer than needed, but her presence felt more threatening than supportive. When Jordan hugged her goodbye, she whispered, “I don’t know how I’ll survive without you. Don’t let me down.” Her words filled him with guilt and unease.

In the following weeks, Jordan struggled to adjust to college life. He avoided calls from his mother but felt panicked when he missed her texts. He didn’t trust his new friends, assuming they might hurt or betray him like his mother often had.

When a professor offered help after he missed an assignment, Jordan froze, unsure whether to accept the kindness or assume there was a hidden agenda.

Analysis:

Fear and Confusion: Linda’s inconsistent and often threatening behavior left Jordan uncertain about whether relationships were safe, resulting in both avoidance and longing for connection.

Mistrust of Relationships: Jordan’s difficulty trusting others and his oscillation between avoiding and seeking his mother’s attention reflect the disorganized attachment style.

Emotional Dysregulation: Jordan’s mixed feelings of guilt, fear, and longing are typical of individuals with disorganized attachment, who often internalize conflicting emotions from their caregivers.

This highlights how disorganized attachment can create deep-seated fear and mistrust in relationships, leading to emotional confusion and difficulty navigating independence or intimacy.

These stories illustrate how deficiencies in caregiving and a lack of safety shape the behaviors, emotional regulation, and nervous system responses of infants, toddlers and adolescents laying the groundwork for insecure attachment patterns.

Deficiencies in care are often seen by the child as the fault of the child.

Lack of safety leads to poor attachment syndromes, lack of trust development, insecurity and development of the inner critic.

I am sure when you reflect on these stories it is possible to feel a connection to some of them either in our own life or having seen it in others. This is really the grounding of most of the population as life is rarely perfect, all parents and caregivers have their own challenges to contend with over and above the development needs of the child.

In sharing these stories my intention is not to lay guilt onto any parent, rather my intention is to point out that most of humanity just has a very poor starting point and it should not be surprising to find that most adults have unresolved attachment needs.

In the next dialogue we are going to explore how we cope by using what I call the Transference of Safety. I hope you will join me. Thank you for your support thus far.

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