I'm feeling a little bit under the weather so i'll see if i can talk to myself today or not playing with my little DNA tangler I don't know if you've ever seen one of these but I saw it one time and I just had to buy it even though I don't really think I need it but it's kind of fun supposed to help people with fidgety propensity I developed my first anti-suicide kit for those who feel like they might lose control and do it even though they actually don't want to feel like in my case I don't want to and it came across a video of this girl on YouTube and she said she woke up with all of her sleeping pills and the her bubble pack popped out into a vial and she doesn't remember doing that so she's actually afraid of her own self killing her and she wouldn't remember now I'm kind of afraid in that way too but mhm mine is usually more like I like pop out of bed and think I have to kill myself and I'm actually kind of like running around like that so this way i would grab my kit and then fastened myself to say my bedpost with my phone nearby so i can keep myself safe until help comes and so I have it's just a zap strap and for seroquel and I could take two seroquel or I could decide to take four and four is not going to kill me but it's really gonna knock me out and the zap strap is 16 inches so it's not long enough to like hang myself with because that's the thing this little intervention can work for one or against one so if I really wanted to die and I want to swallow entire bunch of pills and then fasten myself so I couldn't call for help then I would be dead for sure but this is supposed to be designed for those of us who actually want to live it's this will help keep people that really want to kill themselves kill themselves for sure and I'll help people that really don't want to kill themselves not themselves so it's a sort of a pro-choice thing and and I don't want to kill myself so that's why I carry this now in my purse I used to have just the Zap strap in there but I thought of the idea to put the Zap strap with the seroquel so i don't have to grab the entire bottle of seroquel i can just grab this and that's it and i even thought of the idea of putting some kind of like hydration pill in here to keep one hydrated because they say you can last three days without water so the hydration pill would make a person be able to last a few days if by chance i fastened myself but wasn't able to grab my phone for some reason i would at least maybe be alive long enough to not be dead by virtue of just being there sort of laying there rotting and the thing too is part of me feels like once I'm fastened I might actually just like breathe it out for a while actually go through the experience and and just let my body stay still and not be so freaked out by it well I would be freaked out by it but i would i would stay still and let the inner experience happen somewhat because i already did that one time even though i wasn't planning on it and it was a really weird experience but that's the one thing that's another thing i might actually i might be losing my voice I don't even know maybe I talked too much the other day two days ago I made maybe like three hours or the video and so it's it's odd that someday I could talk for like three hours of video then other days I can't say anything I think yesterday I tried to make a video and I was going to try and do another couple hours maybe but i stopped at 20 minutes and I was just like lit and yesterday i wrote the Mensa test just for fun and I really don't think I pass but it was kind of fun actually just to sit there like did a bit pizza and it would be kind of funny I don't think my brain works that way new anymore anyway but it's just kind of funny and yesterday too I did a longer session of tre drama and tension releasing exercises and i bought the app so i followed the videos and i did the exercises and then I did the trauma releasing exercise and and it really did something I don't know today I went for a walk in the park and my whole body felt kind of different like my hips felt loser and i'm not sure i was just sort of noticing sort of just really paying attention and putting attention to to my body and whether it did anything and i think it did and i think i will do it again but i have this feeling that it shook up my body to the point of maybe making me a little bit under the weather my gums are all swollen on the right side of my mouth on the top and I just feel a little bit lethargic but I'm not going to miss work tomorrow or anything I don't see why I would need to miss work I'll just be a little bit under the weather GD squeaky floor just next place I move it's going to be somewhere really really quiet and peaceful and I find when I edit my videos to get rid of the little coughs and sniffs and things I and face scratches I'm hoping or thinking that one day maybe I'll just get to a point where i can just just talk and not need to refer to any writing or write anything down just trust that whatever I say will include what I sort of perceived at some point and that were there's also i could make shorter videos of the thoughts that I think right when I think them but a lot of times they come to me when I'm getting ready in the morning when I'm like naked and not wearing makeup yet and so I don't know I did come up with some good stuff though I remember thinking oh this is good stuff okay like this little diagram here see that now it's hard to read for what I was trying to get on was how there's like this river there's like the ego is like a river down so this is our stream of energy and there's the ego and so it's a damn and then so it's like only allowing a little bit of our stream of energy through just like a damn sort of lets the water through in a certain way to generate the power so it's not the river isn't flowing there's a big lake pooled up here so the ego is like a dam and then and that I think what I'm trying to get out here is a we can almost like do things to get around the dam so these are maybe the spontaneous social behaviors and practicing lens manic trades and embodying one's mania to sort of wave build little streams like new streams to get around the dam and these are the same as like new neural pathways and then when the dam breaks when mania comes which is like the scrambling of the ego and how it dissolves then there's somewhere for it to go because we've created those new pathways here because otherwise if we were just the ego if we're just the regular flow we're not ready for all that extra energy and so so there are new channels without that energy and that was one of my little thoughts about it so that energy and all that extra water seems like chaos so somebody came along and saw a river with a damn and there's big pool and there's dam and there's just a little bit of water spilling through and they've never seen a natural River they would think that the dam was part of the river system now that's the equivalent of the ego we think that it's always there and now when it breaks if somebody thought rivers always had down they would think that that was like chaos and totally catastrophic but really the dam is the unnatural thing and it it will break given certain conditions and then the mental health system is the equivalent of a damn just broke open and collapsed and now we're trying to rebuild the dam which was the problem in the first place it's an unnatural structure oh and then I drove this other picture that psychiatry is like building a new dam by like downstream like putting medication in and medication to me is kind of like a chemical eco so we're conditioned to have this psychological ego and we believe in its structure and we think it has relevance to ourselves and we buy into it and then we go about society using this ego structure and then one that breaks apart through the energies of through the energy of mania and manic consciousness or whatever other means it seems sort of chaotic and then the professional system comes in and imposes a chemical ego it's sort of like a pseudo ego it's like a person whatever little bits of one's ego are there it sort of maybe acts like glue it's like taking the damn pieces all these big chunks of concrete and like trying to glue them back together with some kind of medication and and that's supposed to keep the ego somewhat intact when really that you is the problem in the first place and a person goes kind of through chaos because the dam breaks and there's all this energy coming through but it eventually settles that give a dam breaks in a river the initial pool of water is is totally chaotic and catastrophic but once it equalizes again it's just the normal flowing river and it goes back to how it was naturally and so in my mind people need to be supported to weather that storm of their ego Dam breaking and and because they will rebalance its like slingshotting into a higher energy realm and then slingshotting back into a lower energy male and it eventually even zone over time but that process is never allowed to complete naturally very rarely is it allowed to resolve itself naturally it's always seen as some kind of disease but really the ego is the disease in my mind and I'm not the first person to say that and I wrote we need more neural pathways of that way of being animated which is the way the universe is trying to animate us which is the same way we were animated as children but of course in a different way that would that would been the natural trajectory of us learning towards adulthood if our brains would have never stopped learning because of these false ego inner thought image compass structures that keep us reflecting on the past or thinking about the future which doesn't have any relevance to the present moment for not in the present moment then we can't actually respond adequately to the present moment if we can't respond adequately to the present moment or going to be thinking and reflecting on did I do this right or that right because we're not actually in the moment so we're supposed to flow like rivers and our egos our dams we need to embody world centricity because this is the way that this extra energy is trying to animate us it's trying to get us to cooperate and collaborate with each other and to not cooperate with the current structure of society because it's destroying us it's trying to get us to cooperate with this energy that is us this energy is us as the energy of life itself the ego is energy dissipating and it's it's false it's an illusion and so we're separate from the life energy of our very being and I was talking about in another video about how this life energy that we are as human beings our inner subjectivity is more of the realm of goodness truth beauty and these all these dimensions that we have of being human and the human embodiment that are actually fundamental to human beings and maybe other members of the animal kingdom have it too but that would be their own unique animal experience of it apart from us and so those are the ones were born with but then we actually replace that inner rich dimension that we would experience if we were just here perceiving in the moment we'd either perceive goodness truth or beauty and we would experience ourselves as that just like we experience awe when we experience aw and that's replaced with the ego compass which is psychological time and christian birdy talks a lot about psychological time and i'm really feeling like i'm seeing what he's saying with how our minds our psyche goes back to past memories or future possibilities and all the while that it's doing that it's playing this inner chess match it's playing this inner game with itself of trying to gratify itself which is just an image it's not actually what's happening and so by doing that we're not actually present in the moment we're in were lost in psychological time and that by creating these by having these different memories and and continually recalling them we're creating this me that is recalling this memory and the sort of me complexes this image that we have of ourselves inside and it's not actually asked ourselves it's not our life energy it's just an image and it's recalling different memories and going around in time and by doing that and being this sort of solid thing that it thinks it is is creating space inner space because it's moving about in inner space from past present future and in that way it's creating inner time psychological time and when the ego me complex is doing that it's not actually in present time so the outer dimensions are space and time and the ego creates the equivalent inner dimensions of space and time but there's no such thing as that and if it was just emptiness that would leave emptiness to have the subjectivity arise as Beauty truth goodness happiness joy all these other states of being loved thinking about two years ago isn't love so so by creating I feel like this image is created because we this is how we operate in the outer our brains need to plan and and do all these sorts of things in order to move about in space and time in outer life so we create the inner equivalent but really it's like a dress rehearsal going on that we never actually get to the act and and it's like this chess game we're playing chess inside while we're trying to walk about in daily life now if we actually try to play chess on our phone twenty-four seven or something and walk around a daily life it would be pretty difficult so we're doing that inwardly and it's not actually congruent with what's going on and then we wonder why time passes us by is because we're spending a lot of time in psychological time and and those those inner dimensions which I sort of which I was talking about I haven't really thought too much about that but those are sort of what it means to be human and and that maybe goes with the learning aspect as well and creativity and and perhaps since we can't learn because we have this inner ego me psychological time and space thing going on it's blocking learning because we're always sort of planning and presupposing and projecting so we're not actually looking and perceiving and learning and so we're not learning and since we're not learning we're actually sort of withering and dying and we wonder why our brains deteriorate over time and these memories are actually like prison walls we're in a prison of our own memories and we use these memories to operate in reality which has nothing to do with our own personal little memories and I talked before about how in manic consciousness one is sort of restored to learning and the brain again is learning and perhaps growing and it could be like a second brain growth or restoring that brain growth process maybe it's never supposed to stop and I feel like the brain then works more on extrapolation which is to do with communication and I listened to it this talk by a woman on child and youth mental health and she talks about how when the brain is being pruned there's also a myelination process which speeds up communication so I'm wondering if this also has something to do with extra brain myelination of a sudden for some reason and with that extra communication possibility can be extrapolated in the brain and so instead of going based on thought associations which is very linear from one thought to another thought to another like thinking about dogs and then thinking about the dog you had when you were five and then thinking about another memory when you were five and then thinking about that person that you know now that you saw when you were five I like just one thing after another like that which is just all personal memory stuff and there's maybe like a new thing here there but not really that much it's not learning it's just associating and it's and that's how we think we learned because when people are talking we're always associating to what we already know and then we make like one new connection after listening to something for an hour and we think we learned something but that's just creating a little Association whereas and other learning processes based on extrapolation and to me that is to do with perhaps the whole quantum computation thing the brain is likely a quantum computer I actually wrote down one time that I think the brain is a spaceship it creates space and time as we see it as we know it it allows us to move through space and time it creates the rest of us which is like the spaceship so we're kind of like spaceships and the brain is like the driver of the spaceship and then the heart is kind of like the sonar of the spaceship so extrapolation is seeing possibilities and then from seeing possibilities there can be associations in the brain made to how to maybe make that possible and I think that's something too is that when we're in that learning state we see we can create things and in school we're trained to be functions not creators of things were molded into a certain line of being a cog in the machine of society and we don't actually realize that we can create and and for some reason the creativity thing is is reserved for art class which is being cut out of a lot of schools so there's a little room for creativity and it's all functional cog in the machine things and we wonder why people are are supposedly developing these mental illnesses it's that we're being suppressed

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