Division. Long division. Short division. Divisive division. Remissive division. Different sides. Different schemes. Differing opinions. Opposing opinions. Decomposing opinions. Difficult decisions. Ideological inhibitions. Contrasting tastes within culture clashing kitchens. Culture clashes in countries of origin. Tribal warfare in an urban setting. Dangerous ideas in unsettling settings. Suburban youth without good old fashioned parenting subletting their wedding for a set of newly pressed bedding. Tough days ahead. Tougher days behind. No future to speak of, so plenty of time to unwind and get wound by approaching deadlines. But everything’s fine. Everything’s grand. Oh barnacles, crime’s on the rise again. Top story today: a man took knife and held it on display for thirty six hundred of rent on delay. He robbed an old maid. She’s about sixty-five. Gave up on retirement for a cool nine to five and now she’s in the ER barely alive. Next story up is a rhyme about Phil, who overdosed just last weekend on pills. He graduated from college in 2003, lost twenty-two jobs, but couldn’t do twenty-three. At least he is nothing like Johnny the snake; he murdered his wife and left her in a lake. Division. Divisive. Just the facts please. If you don’t have anything boring to say, don’t say it all. We like our news boring round these here parts. If it ain’t boring, it ain’t news. Keep it straight. Clench those butt cheeks in your chair and read the teleprompter news. Put on a quarter pound of budget foundation and clog every pore in your face until the sweat runs away from your face news. Give the drunken failed actress turned weather lady a ten A.M. martini and let her go off script news. Smile so wide your lips crack into a thousand pieces news. Become so randomly angry about meaningless bullshit that even an ape with indigestion would tell you to relax news. Invite your weird loser uncle to come to work and do the sports report because his wife just left him news. Remember this is serious stuff. Lives are at stakes, and each and every one of those lives is a potential viewer. More views equals more likes. More likes equals better quality SEO. Better quality SEO equals more profit. Profit on top of profit, constantly compounding. What are people currently searching on Google? Division. Divisiveness. Civil War. The coming Civil Ware. The coming third World War. Armageddon. The end of days. America is worse than it has ever been and it’s because of division. America has never been divided before, not in this way, not according to the trust fund babies who own the news. Division. You can blame anything on division: crime, poverty, recessions, depressions, the whole nine yards, the whole kit and kaboodle. And then, there you sit, rocking back and forth, with no one to blame but some generic concept dreamed up by a trust fund baby. That's not allowed, too divisive. The end is near. The time is now. Time is up. Time is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. Have you seen Tiktok's stock? Have you gleaned the stock market drop? What is your dictation on inflation? Doesn't matter. Too divisive. Talk about something else. Scratch that. Talk about something wealth. Breaking news: a phony billionairess was deported for premiering on a show on Netflix. This just in: celebrities are eating food that they think you should eat if you are missing sleep every other week and have developed stiff peaks on your beak. One last thing: overpriced junk is leaving lumps on tiny runts for many months. Do you think that's just? Doesn't matter much. Too divisive. Think of something better, something blander, something older, something madder. No division. No decisions. No negative emissions emanating from our mission. Keep it happy. Keep it cool. Keep it snappy. Keep it true. Tell the truth, but not too much. Speak the speech and please be blunt. But not too much, nothing too much, never too much. Because that's divisive and dividers divide our division too much.