So I haven't done a video in about a week. And I haven't been feeling that good emotionally. I've been in some conflict and not really handling myself very well. And I let a lot of things build up over time and just wasn't me expressing myself throughout even though I can talk to myself. for hours and hours, sometimes I'm not the greatest at talking to others in terms of setting up certain boundaries. It could be my training as a peer, just wanting to be open and accepting a very thing specially considering that I have needed that from people at times. And a lot of different factors, but I'm, I'm learning about that. I don't feel happy. I had those couple of good days. And then I was taking some notes and stuff, and then I just haven't had a good week at all. And I think I'm really missing my family and my community. And not feeling I'm not feeling lonely. I don't know how I'm feeling I'm feeling like maybe I would rather be with my family and my community then in California. When before I left, I was thinking I think I'd rather be in California than with my family and community. And it could just be that I've maxed myself out. But it's not just that because I've been struggling here because of what I was talking about before having that mini crisis and having to take Seroquel so many of the days here. I've just been going through like a zombie and that's not how I thought I would have to go through my days here. I thought I would have at least six months until my next crisis and it was a total of something like a month. And then I was taking Seroquel and then I went to LA and did ecpr and so I started trying to take less Seroquel and then it was hard to get off the Seroquel. I went from full to have to try to go off of Seroquel completely. And the Hardy nutritionals people said those were too big of jumps. But now I've been on Seroquel. I'm taking a quarter now. So that would be seven, seven and a half milligrams. But I've been taking it go going on two months. And I think just the totality of everything, taking the circle for two months having that crisis and having to go through much of it by myself and just drop dragged myself through it. And now doing the hearty nutritional thing, which I'm guessing is going to make me feel in different ways at different times. And some stuffs gonna want to come out perhaps that has just been kept at bay by the medications. And also I'm used to interacting with people in the mental health community where there's a lot of understanding and care and all these different things. Whereas right now I'm in the real world, which doesn't necessarily have that context. And so instead of operating within an amongst that context and with people who understand that and who are going through similar things. So there's this mutual support by virtue of just going through it and not even really have having to say things and explain it. I feel like I almost have to explain myself somewhat. not totally, I just, I feel like I understand that I'm not in that context. So I have to be more wary because I could be. I could be misunderstood, or, I don't know, it's hard to explain, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but and just not having people that know me where other people back home, know me and I don't have to feel like I'm I feel kind of like things that I do could easily have more points against me than for me or something. Whereas in my community, I feel like, there's little chance of things going wrong. And if they do, it's not really going to affect anything, because I've been there quite a long time. People know me. I've supported people people have supported me, it's just very reciprocal and mutual. And I find just in talking to myself, now I've speaking a lot of the language of peer support. And so I like the way that kind of community is, is set up. I feel like here some people know about my diagnosis and label. So if I do struggle and voice things, then they could be interpreted as something to do with my label, because they don't know me enough to know. And nothing terrible has happened. It's more. I'm just, I'm just struggling in the scenario I'm in now, and and it's one thing to struggle. But it's another thing to struggle for two months and feel like, well, maybe this struggle would be less. If I was at home, if I would have known that I would have needed to take Seroquel while I was down here, I don't think I would have come down here. I was planning on just bringing a couple of circles, just in case, because I really didn't think anything was gonna happen. But I brought a whole bottle. And I've had to take it every day for the last two months. And so it's been somewhat of a struggle on my own dealing with these things, having to pretend that I'm doing better than I am around others and just go about what I need to do in a day. And I think it's just the time is just feeling like I want to go home and I feel like maybe I should I wanted to stay down here because there's another course I want to take in July. But I don't know. And I really wish I had a car down here. It's difficult to get around and and I haven't done a reduction of my meds for a while. So I will talk to her nutritionals on Monday, I hope and maybe they'll say to go down in my medications because I've been bleeding in between menstrual cycles, and that might be too much information. But that pretty much has never happened. And I wonder if it has something to do with the micronutrients and balancing hormones or something like that. So I only say that because I could be kind of hormonal when I'm not supposed to be or something. I just feel disorganized and disorientated and not knowing what I should be doing and kind of like not in a good healthy routine and I'm tired of not having any money to have healthy food. I feel like there's no point in trying to be kind of healthy. Maybe there is but I'd rather just be not healthy and say money, then sort of kind of be healthy ish and spend more money. And I don't know what I'm saying. But next week, I'm going to try to do some more rollerblading. And and hopefully, if they say go down a quarter of a dose on my medications, maybe that'll help somewhat. Maybe I'll ask if I should take more of their supplement. I don't really care what it takes. If it takes taking more to to jumpstart my brain, then that's what it takes. And I'll see if maybe I should go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel. But one thing's for sure. When I'm in a place of some anger and some sadness and some grief. And, and my mind is occupied with avoidance strategies and so many things, it's definitely not an insight. There's no insight, there's no beauty. It's just self preservation and self protection, I guess I would like to leave California on a positive note. And better than when I got here, not necessarily worse, right now, I've probably gained 10 or 15 pounds. And I'm feeling more like keeping to myself and being social. And. And so I was wondering before I came here, if just being outside the mental health paradigm would help in terms of being able to transcend it? And I'm not sure if that's true or not. I feel like that's my community. I went through those experiences, and I can't change that. And so how can I utilize them? And I'm glad I watched that Steve pavlina video about how he said, when you get criticism or something, you can just not reply, or you can reply with a smiley face or whatever you want. Because I didn't reply to that email that upset me a couple of weeks ago and time in my day decided by others in terms of my activities. And I'm learning that just being here because so my day is somewhat structured. And I don't mind it, actually, but I'm seeing what things in my life. I don't like control, like food. There's some parts of the food process here. It kind of reminds me of being in a psych ward. And so before I met that person, so it's hard for me to think and abstract and conceptualize and plan what I would want to eat for the week. And actually, when I was back home, I was praying for dinner, and maybe a little snack during the day. And so it wasn't super healthy, but it also I wasn't eating a lot and I was staying slender and I was also doing quite a bit of self dialogues was feeling Here, I find it difficult to find a place to do self dialog, that there's any privacy besides my room, unless I was just out talking to myself and not really caring if anyone saw. And that might be the case, but I have my notebook and stuff. So it looks kind of silly or awkward to be looking at a notebook and then looking at a phone and, and also it's really hot. And being outside, it sort of makes the phone really hard and the battery die really quickly. And there's other variables. So I don't know what I'll decide to do. But I feel like if I don't get myself together, I might just somehow sabotage the rest of my time here. Because I am supposed to stay for six months. It was sort of a six month commitment. Instead of a commitment to a psych ward. It's a six month commitment. And it's actually quite difficult as a person, commit to something for six months and, and do different stuff and blahdy blahdy blah. Especially when I've been struggling and having to take extra meds and in certain jobs I've had, I wouldn't be able to take time off or think I've talked about how any time I've had to take Seroquel. I usually am off work those days. If I'm working in peer support, I I take the time off if I had my medical office job, I took time off. Actually I actually the whole time I worked there, I was fine. And I think because it was so happy and, and social and fun. So there's something about balancing this fun thing, and I'm not sure. But if I really have to go back, I will go back. I guess I can't expect it to be roses. Coming off segments. I actually saw a web page for a new respite center or home or homes that are going to be opening in San Francisco called gnosis something. And apparently gnosis means knowing what the heart. It's gnosis retreat centers, and Dr. Michael cornwalls involved in the project, as well as a bunch of people who worked under Artie Lange, when he was alive. And so the centers and the homes there based on the work of Artie Lange. And I've read Artie Lange's book, the politics of experience, and its total genius. I started reading it again. So I could highlight sections because I figured out how to do that. So hopefully I will get it together. And hopefully I will at least get somewhat back into self dialogue. Because it could help a little bit and even if I don't get that much self dialogue in it's good to do a video and talk about some of the more difficult days to because there will be difficult days in this process of coming off these meds and, and wanting to document some of that I want ice cream.

It's a random rainy day here. And this morning, I got a text from my brain twin, and he's coming up here to visit. So could be interesting to see if we can do some brainstorming. And he has some pretty good ideas about some stuff. So again, it would be awesome to be able to collaborate and not just be having insights and talking about them. And I think it might also help to motivate me a little bit because right now I feel a bit like, I'm not really helping myself out right now. So I'm trying to come off the meds, but I'm not eating healthy and having a good healthy routine. And I'm not really helping others. So I feel a little bit like, what am I doing? So if we can do some collaborating him and I then maybe my brain will be more motivated and a bit more happy in terms of that, because right now, I'm nearly halfway through my time in California, and I've only gone downhill, even though it's not really that much downhill. It's just more so certain aspects of my life are missing. Like, I was wondering, would it be like to be away from mental health. And since him, and I talk about mental health stuff, it's a way to re engage that area with more than just myself. Because perhaps the stuff I'm talking about is becoming more and more abstract. And I don't even know because I haven't talked about any of it in a week. And I don't know what else to talk about. But maybe I'll go get a snack. I'm outside, and it's a rare rainstorm. But I'm just sitting on the ground reminds me of home to rainy place. And I met up with my friend today. But he didn't stay long. I thought we'd have more time to chat. And he's doing some cool stuff. He got he's hopefully getting himself an RV and living in a mobile way. And I think that's really cool. It's something that I would be interested in doing. At least partly, maybe living with my family and then having a mobile home instead of trying to get my own home, at least right away. And you have some other ideas that I won't talk about yet because we didn't get to talk enough, but I feel a little bit reinspired to get my butt in gear. And I was just watching a little bit of an Elan musk talk and, or interviews I guess, and a bit of a program on him and it's pretty amazing what one person can do. And he said something about how part of why he does what he does is to create things that will make the future better. So those things being created might make somebody wake up and be like, that'll be so cool when that exists because somebody is making it happen. And I wonder what that might be for me to do. The rain is already stopping. And then I just started watching a bit of a Steve pavlina video, he's up today 24 of his water fast. And I've been eating so unhealthy. And my friend said he might actually be able to lend me a vehicle so that might help and tomorrow Hopefully I'm going to go rollerblading. And I'll probably take a video of that. But I feel like I could work more on my blog and but I'm wondering what the most powerful thing would be to do. I could go back and watch some of my old videos to see if I can remember what the heck I was talking about. Or maybe I've maxed out on talking about stuff, and that's why my brain is not responding so much to it. It's sort of adapted to that, though I haven't been doing it to the same extent. So maybe I'll try some more self dialogue and see if maybe that type of process wants to be finished with and move on to something new. I just made this pastor does doesn't even taste good. I want ice cream. But I don't have any. I don't have a car so I can't go get any. I'd have to walk an hour and 15 minutes to get ice cream each way. And it's 648 there's no possibility of ice cream.

Today I slept in till 11am. Definitely oversleeping. And I'm hoping to talk to hardy nutritionals today and get confirmation that perhaps I should reduce my meds by another 75 milligrams, which is 1/8. And today I remember to put mascara on both eyes. So I think I might be a little bit ahead of the game, but maybe not because I slept in till 11. And I went to sleep at like 930 or 10. I'm having a feeling that this struggle might continue. And it's not that bad. But it's annoying given the fact that I'm in California and wanting to have some fun. And speaking of fun, I'm thinking I'm going to go rollerblading today. And maybe I'll take some video of that. I remember years and years ago, about three or four days a week, I would go to this one place and just rollerblade all day and lay in the sun and not really do anything. And that was a day well spent. And now I feel like I'm not sure what a day well spent is my brain have no memory are problems with memory. So I'm feeling like I want to do something useful, but at the same time, my brain doesn't necessarily want to cooperate. So we'll see how rollerblading goes today. I'm just getting ready to skate down this hill. And it doesn't look like much of a hill, but it's still long so and I've never done it before. But this is sort of the road to the beach before I just started on the trail because I had a rental car but and I bought myself a helmet because I'll be on the road. And this is sort of roller bipolar, I think I feel like I need to try on some new avatars besides the series self dialog. Maybe that one has worn itself out. And I'm definitely feeling on the depressed side. So we'll see how this goes with getting out and doing something. I just ate a big lunch and I'm feeling like eating ice cream every day. But I don't have access to ice cream. Maybe today I'll be able to find some ice cream. So I'm curious how fast as hell we'll feel made it down the hill. Love the street canopy of trees. So it took me 40 minutes to get to the trail from where I was between walking and skating. So I just got the go ahead from hardy nutritionals to go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel from one quarter and 375 milligrams of lithium from 450 and 1/8 less of the trazadone. So that's the next dosage for a while. And then after the next reduction. I'll actually be off half of my medications which is a pretty good milestone. So I would like to feel a little bit better but I don't actually feel that bad. I Just feel kind of blah and numb. And they said that the anti psychotic is a bit of a depressant. So doing the 1/8 reduction might help a bit. So I'm looking to so I'm looking forward to see how I feel. And I think upping the physical activity will help even if I'm kind of lazy and I don't really feel like it. Yeah, I'm not that fun Hill again. Here we go. That's the money shot. wins against me today. Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. feel like I can be a little bit more daring with a helmet on. Go figure. always obey the signs. Like caution. So we've made it to the ocean find us anymore so beautiful over there.

So I found this poor little mouse on a mouse trap I'm gonna attempt to get him off the trap but I don't know how well that's gonna work but it's worth a try because I can't watch this little guy suffer serious stuff such as baby oil but I don't have any so that's what I have is coconut oil spray might be stuck to my glove now though. Now it looks like it can't move because he's got his goop all over him so I might just kind of give him a little coconut oil bath like this and just all over sleeping is exhausted. He's getting a little more feisty. He's getting that sticky stuff off. Okay fine. Okay, no no lasting Just putting in getting oily so we didn't have that sticky stuff on him. Oh how can you kill this? Oh baby sorry that you're out Wally clean yourself off somewhere might be hard to see him in the light but I think he's happy to be free kind of exhausted covered in coconut oil or two just rocking them a little bit. Tell them it's okay pretty much sleeping knows how many hours he was trapped on that glue, struggling evening everybody keeping them warm to you got to make sure you can walk around okay and he's not getting stuck to anything. Give him a little bit of food must have been the most exhausting thing ever. I'm pretty sure he's sleeping. I can feel him twitching How you doing? Should I try and tell you a little bit areas got a lot of a thing to do. Found a little place to rest. Cody's cleaning up his hand putting the glue off He's trying to clean up some glue but he's just too tired. Honestly bringing the most something to eat. Think he's depressed. I think you need a bath. Starting to look nice and furry again. Want to make sure you're nice and clean your coconut oil and glue all over you. Yo, that was stressful. Moshi it's kind of an honor from the universe to hold an innocent creature in my hands and it falls asleep or even loosen my grip and it just crawled right back in to the towel and went to sleep. It's just so cute. Now that he's cleaned off, he needs to dry off. He needs to have more sleep. Nice to have some food and then have find a place to let him go. Thank you for keeping warm I'm awake. Picked up and then he was kind of awake and then just wanted to go back in again. It's not ready to come out yet yes as though had tucked in there and doesn't want to come out. He's awake. See you're running around a bit. Make sure you're strong second chance at life once on the ad before you go

I've noticed I feel a little bit non social feel kind of blow around people like I don't know what to say. Or maybe I don't want to say anything. So maybe it's good to just talk to myself. So I at least have some kind of conversation. And I'm just reminding myself to be somewhat gentle on myself, because I am coming up with every day. And that's my main objective right now. Because if I can do that, if I can be off my medications, then that's huge. So that's the number one thing, and I'll probably spend another two and a half months in California. So I'm over halfway now, for sure. So I'm just going to do self dialogue, even though really out of the flow of it. So when I say map consciousness to myself, I'm talking about mania and psychosis. And that's how I created that acronym, Ania, and psychosis. But I like to create other possible words to go with that acronym. And I created one, meaning action potential. So the nervous system gets fired up with meaning. And when nerves fire, it's based on something called action potential, which is something to do with the difference of charge between the outer and the inner membrane, and then the charge travels along the nerve based on that. But in mob consciousness, it's an action potential of meaning. So the nerves aren't firing around me and the ego process, but around a different seeing meaning and making meaning and sharing meaning process. So meaning action potential. So the nerves are fired up with meaning and the meaning comes through the human nervous system, we actually are able to harvest the meaning by virtue of having the human body apparatus. So part of the self dialogue process is not waiting self dialogue, before I came to California, it was just a natural unfolding process that I did. And now I'm doing it to see if I can get back into that mind state. But also, I have the sense that I just want to talk about these things that I write down and catch up in a way, so I'm trying to catch up. So it's not really. So it's possible, it's not coming across in the same way, but it doesn't matter. Because this is more like brainstorming, than really picking out the bits that have the most meaning in a way. If I ever do share any of this and, and people in the mental health community or labeled people watch this, maybe certain ideas will catch on and certain other ones won't. And people might want to talk about certain things and other things. No. So this is more, creating a lot of different stuff, and not really placing value on it according to what I think is valuable to share. If I write it down, I most likely share it. And it's the opposite of what a lot of so called content creators, do they they really craft it and they really hone it down. And this makes it kind of funny and interesting because there'll be so much of it, that it'll be kind of random to see what happens instead of really some kind of intentional thing that I'm hoping for some kind of outcome. So I'm going to focus on coming off medication, self dialog, and rollerblading as well. And at some point, when I get over this ice cream craving phase, then perhaps I will start eating somewhat healthy. And maybe even these months away, eating healthy won't be my focus at all and I'll go back home and I'll need to get into shape and then I will share that process. SAS of losing quite a few pounds very quickly, I got a new program called g force visualizer. And when I started watching the visualizer, because it goes with iTunes, I had the sense that whoever wrote the program, the program code looks nothing like what this visualizer actually does. It's all these awesome visualizations going along with the music, but the actual coding for the program, if we read that, and looked at that, and had a book of that, it would be completely uninteresting to us. So there's this programming language run through a computer creates this visualization. And in a way, it's feels like this language that we're looking for the fundamental, whatever of the universe is so different from what that creates. That language run through the human body creates this whole world, as we change the shape of the planet as human beings. Yet, we're looking for something that if we found it probably would be completely uninteresting, and, and jibberish, and we're trying to find this beautiful, elegant thing. But without the actual apparatus without say, the human body, or some kind of life. There the language is, is useless. And it probably would just look like coding in a book, it would look like the, just like with the music on the visualizer, you get this really cool visualization, to watch and enjoy. But the code alone or without the music without the life, it's just not that interesting. It's just a bunch of coding. And I really want to connect with people that share some of these meanings, or share in the meaning making process and unfolding meaning. One thing I'm learning about being here is that it's actually a little bit difficult to exist for a long period of time among people who don't share the context of having some sort of mental health crisis, because I find that there's a much higher chance to talk to people that just speak the same language. And before some kind of crisis, oftentimes, we have a meet. And often in map consciousness or so called mania, we connect with a meaning more state. So we're making more meanings, we're seeing more meanings, and a lot of them. And I feel if more of us were connected to more meanings and making more meanings, we wouldn't need people going into crises to more of this meaning more, or if life was more meaning more, we say meaningful, but I like meaning more. And when our senses are all activated, we begin to create laughter. So when I go home, I might want to focus on laughter, and health. When I was watching a talk, a couple of weeks ago, there was a group of people and somebody said, on their slide something something something and I will give an example of this in five minutes. And just the way they said that everybody laughed, everybody got it yet. It wasn't even funny, but it was and it was so subtle, but most people laughed. And that fascinates me because everybody has to get this thing at the same time. And it's funny how that many people found it funny. I don't know. It's, it's bizarre. And I used to do a lot involving laughter. And I've barely done any in the self dialog, which is kind of crazy. And I'm hoping that I'll get some of the serious stuff out of my system and move on to something different, this could just be the very beginning. And map consciousness is energy that's like a lubricant. It lubricates gestures. it loosens us up. It lubricates the stale, constricted ego and gives us access to more degrees of freedom. So in a way A personal crisis is like ego, lubricant. And I wonder if some of these memes might help to set some of my friends free, free to at least begin to make meaning, again for oneself. And seeing that making meaning for oneself, has nothing to do with right and wrong. And I probably talked about how map unlocks hidden potential, but then it seems to at some point retreat. And I wonder what will allow that map consciousness to unfold without retreating? And I think the answer is love. Because love has to hold and behold the somewhat craziness for a while. And I wrote down that the environment is the agent outside the brain that causes these phenomena. And I don't know what I was referring to. But I think I was referring to how somebody was talking about out of body experiences where people will actually be out of their body and looking at their body, from in front of them or beside them. And they're trying to artificially recreate this by probing people's brains in laboratories, and I think they have done it. And so they're saying, Well, if you can poke the brain, and it happens, it's just a phenomena of the brain. But then I wrote down the environment causes these phenomenon in a way. Some people have this out of body experience when say, they're in a car accident or something. So it might be a folded up potential in the brain, but it unfolds when necessary. If somebody needs to view their body from outside the body, in some kind of experience where the body is experiencing really extreme trauma in a car accident, well, then that's when it happens, that's when the brain unfolds to create that possibility. So just because one can poke a brain, and that happens, probably every potential thing is folded up in the brain. And if you find the right place to poke, it'll happen but the universe can poke us to, it can be the thing that causes that phenomenon to unfold, and everything is folded up in the brain. And just because we can poke it doesn't mean that there's not a congruent actuality, in reality where those things happen. Just because it is in the brain doesn't mean that that's what causes it or that's what it's used for. And that energy of map consciousness moved me into a different reality. So it's one thing to be outside the body looking at oneself, but it's another to be in the body, but in a different reality, overlapping with the one that everyone shares. So there's so many different things that the brain can create, and reality with the brain. acting together, I was thinking about thought, and how I feel like thought circulates in our brain, because we're not learning. So when we're seeing and learning we're not thinking about, but we're in direct contact. So when we're not learning, it's almost like the brain is dead in a way. And when it's dead, the thoughts sort of swirl around the dead tissue. Kind of like how ants will swarm around a dead insect on the ground. It's because dead if it was alive, the ants wouldn't swarm around. So I feel like thought feeds on dead or inactive brain tissue. Or it's a phenomenon that arises when the brain isn't moving continuously with the present moment. It's as if we move through the universe, and the brain moves as we move through the universe instead of moving in opposition, which means brains not moving quietly with the moment. And then thoughts start because the brain isn't with the moment. And when there are thoughts, the brain isn't with the moment. So it's sort of a reciprocal relationship. And so the brain isn't really living and thought It isn't a living thing. So it's an appearance of living. So when we're caught in thoughts, we appear to be living, but our brain isn't really living so. So we look like we're living and we are living in a sense, but the brain isn't living our, our bodies are going through reality much like animals would. But what's interesting, I feel like there's a new evolutionary phenomenon, instead of natural selection is called manic selection. So a manic brain would select for different meanings, then the ones that have been brought into predominance in society. And if enough manic brains can move into that as a reality, then that would shift reality as manic selection. I feel like manic eyes change natural selection, because manic eyes perceive differently and select for different meanings and things. And when we're in that mode of perception, we actually get to the edge of reality, the edge of perceptible reality, because we see reality based on our conditioning and the stories that we're told. So if we go to a place where we're seeing different stories of how things could work, we eventually bump up against the end of the world in a way. And we often feel like it is a doomsday place. But really, it could actually kind of be the end of the world in terms of the story, we get to the end of the story in the trajectory of the consensus world, and it conflicts with the meanings that we're able to see and make with manic perception and manic eyes. And so it feels like we're at the end of the world. But really, we couldn't be at also the beginning of this other world, which has different meanings, which could actually just be a co creative world, realizing that we're creating the world with how we perceive and act and moving forward with the right meanings, which we have to continue to perceive moment to moment by really being in contact with this living thing that we are. And I feel that's part of thought as the brain is not in contact with itself. And the other morning I was sleeping in and I could feel and see my brain trying to work things out. It's sort of like when you can work on a problem subconsciously, but usually we're not aware. But sometimes we can be aware of we're half asleep or half dreaming or whatever. And I had the sense that it's not that I'm trying to figure stuff out, as in this me. But the human brain is trying to figure something out the human brain, we all have the same human brain, drop the conditioning, drop the memories, we have the same human brain and is trying to figure stuff out. But we have all this conditioning and memories overtop of it, which is messing up its processing of, of life. And I could just really see that the brain, I was there sort of aware, but I wasn't doing it. The brain was trying to figure something out or wonder about something or calculate something. And it was really interesting to watch. And realize that this has nothing to do with me. And I feel like we have gotten to the edge of reality. I feel like when we connect with those new meanings, or the meaning making process itself, and we see all these old meanings as meaningless. It really feels scary because we're so invested in it. And it feels like death to to let go of that. And I think it's hard for most of us to let go. And somebody mentioned the work of Daniel Dennett and I think he talks about memes. And he said that language undergoes natural selection. I think his work probably relates to this process somehow, but I haven't read it. It's impossible to read everybody's work. But I feel like the language of us, Mannix is being suppressed by the unnatural selection of the pathologizing process. So there's this unnatural selection of language because we go into this language making language, creating, playing with language, unfolding new meaning state. And we're told that it's a meaningless mental illness, and to not really go into it or think about it, it's just symptoms. And so to me, there is this language trying to arise through us as human beings, because we need new forms of communication of the world isn't going to go to hell. And so using the language, not as me, is being suppressed. And we need to learn how to communicate, not as the me because that's what happens when we go into that state, we don't really have a me as much. So it's difficult to navigate. So we need to create new language and meanings together, that creates that herd immunity against psychiatry. And I feel like meaning can come through us and we don't need a me, the me is what blocks meaning. So there's no need for a self. So in a way, the self dialog is actually selfless dialogue or no self dialogue, because if I'm only thinking in terms of the me, I wouldn't be able to say 90% of this stuff, because that's probably the proportion that isn't directly related to me. And I think that's part of the reason why I find it difficult to converse, is that most conversations are based on me and it's sometimes difficult to talk that way. If I was to talk about my knee, I would probably talk about coming off medications and things like that. And it's not a conversation I want to have with people right now.

The property of the brain? Well, it's not new. But it's something beyond just the usual thought, consciousness. And I wonder, how do we create this emergent property of the brain, a lot of money is spent suppressing it, when people go into so called mania and psychosis, and then there's the people on the other end that are trying to help people learn how to get into flow states, and charging the money for it. And how do we create it? How might people who go into those states of consciousness and don't necessarily want to create created and surf that wave of consciousness? I think part of it has something to do with discontent, in that, when we go into the so called recovery process, we're told in a way, what values of society we are to re ascribe to and to work towards fitting into that, like getting a job, or volunteering or living on one's own and things like that. But can we see what we saw in those states of consciousness and what might work better for us and move towards that, and even allow those states of consciousness to come back. And if we're creating in alignment with that, then maybe that energy is served and surfed, and we don't have to feel turf. And I wrote down that words can direct our attention, in that we can think, focus on our breathing, and then we focus on our breathing, or attention can direct words. So if we're aware of the vast visual field, and we have so called choiceless, awareness, then that choiceless, ness picks that thing, and we might speak based on that. So in that way, attention directs the words instead of words, directing attention. And someone mentioned that the brain is blind to itself. So we can't feel our own brain. Or we can't see our own brain, the brain can't see itself. But in a way, in map consciousness, the brain is seeing itself, it's seeing all the activities that it does and what those activities are doing. And that's one of the reasons why in math consciousness, we get freaked out because we can see what the brain is doing and what it does. Whereas Usually, the brain is oblivious to how its activities in such things like thought, are actually participating with reality and, and changing it in a way or having effects. Even as much as directing our perception of where we're looking, because we're judging something. So it has an effect. And then we think that's just how it is. And we don't sense that it's having an effect. We just think that's me, that's, that's my life. That's how it is. But when map consciousness comes in, there's this layer of awareness of seeing what those processes are doing. And then it gets scary. Because we think, Well, I'm not even in control. It's just happening. But that's the same thing that's happening all the time. We just don't have that awareness of it. We don't have the ability to see what it's doing. So map consciousness shows us. It gives us that ability to perceive what all the minds mechanisms are doing in terms of thinking, thoughts, words and actions and how it's directing that end. What that's creating, and it's scary. And usually, in mania, we have a time of freedom from that whole process when we feel quite free and fluid and when the separation again, dissipates in that now we don't feel the self as the self. We just feel it as what is and Then. And in the talks I was listening to, there's a lot of talk about control. We want to control things. And why do we want to control versus play or be artful? We can think of playing the game of life or controlling the game of life. And controlling isn't really a good game. Why do we live life so much to control? And someone mentioned that, it's important to have no goals to have no mind wandering, I think it was Thomas metzinger. And then we have contact with the moment when we have no goals. So I'm glad that there's no goal with this self dialog process. And could be one of the reasons why I'm finding it difficult to start any other kind of process, because everything else seems like a goal. like writing something or, or almost anything. And I don't know, if my brain works on goals. I feel like part of this process is learning what faculties of the brain are diminishing, like goals and memory and things like that, and, and really going into losing those instead of trying to hold on and maybe have some kind of feeling that perhaps it's bad, to lose those perhaps if it's really lost, if goals are really lost, if memories really lost, maybe there's some other factor that comes in that is infinitely more interesting. And I feel like I talked before about how Thomas metzinger said that the self model ends when it becomes opaque, meaning it's seen as a model. But then the question is, well, who is sees this, who sees this as a model, then there's got to be some other level of seeing. And I think this is what I was talking about a little bit when I was talking about map, and how you can see the machinery of thought and what it's doing. And it's scary. It's scary to that level of seeing that sees this, there is seeing that can see this. And it has nothing to do with this self. And I think that's part of the map consciousness is it has nothing to do with the self. It requires a breaking down of the self. And the self has no role in whether or not it's going to break down. So there's nothing we can really do. We can just watch, there's a witness, there's a witness. So yeah, in mob consciousness, the map, the perception, sees the self as a model. And a dangerous one sees what that self model is doing. I'm jumping all over the place, because I've become quite disorganized with the process. think that if somebody was really patient, they could reorganize all the videos into some kind of semi coherent story. But it goes all over the place as it is, and it's not supposed to be linear. And that's probably how the universe works, too. But we just don't know it because we're so stuck in linearity until we go into something like map consciousness, and then we understand how it's not, or at least experience that we don't quite understand how that's possible. But it is, and the brain makes it possible. So to do with how we see the workings of thought, in map consciousness in that way, we're more identified with the witness. There is a witness that is witnessing all of this. But we become identified with thought and think that's what we are, and think it's real. And we don't see it for the machinery that it is. We don't see thought because we think it's the me and when we go into consciousness, there's a witness That's witnessing this me process. So we see that we're not that. But then we feel out of control in a way because thought is normally operating and controlling us. Yet we think we have control. But when we're in mob consciousness, we see we don't have any control that that mechanism is a controlling mechanism, and it's out of control. And so the brain sees the thought process. So there is another element beyond thought. And we're waking up to that other element in map consciousness. But in a way, that energy isn't strong enough in the collective to really cause the thought structure to just fully diffuse and dissolve. So map consciousness, in a way is a process of dis identification. It shows that life is in control, life starts to be in control and not thought, and life starts to be lived through us instead of thought, living through us. So it's life energy, living through us instead of thought energy. And in a way life isn't in control. Life is life. We wouldn't say life is in control of ants, answer life. But for some reason, we have thought in control of us. And perception, that witness is always in contact with that reality beyond thought, there's always that witness there. But we're not. While we live out our lives in suppose it free well, until the witness comes in and witnesses what this so called free will is doing. And that witness element is part of us. And we see it too, and it freaks us out. And I wrote down, life can't be controlled by a program. So in a way, thought is the programming language, which we pass between each other, and perpetuate. So we breed thought, and it's a programming language, which isn't life. And life can't be programmed, yet, if thought is sort of using us, and life overall can be programmed, life will turn against us. And in a way, that's part of what map consciousness is doing, it's turning against the thought programs. And that's why I don't buy into recovery. Because so much of it is, let's shove people back into the valleys of society, that conditioning of society when mob consciousness saw the dangers of all of that. So if there's an element of the brain, that's all the dangers of that yet, we're always moving back towards that, because we're being told to the brain is always going to eventually get scared. And someone in one of that talks that theoretical knowledge does not change, deep consciousness. And when I heard that, I was thinking, map consciousness does change, deep consciousness, we're all trying to find something that will change, deep consciousness, and a lot of us come into contact with that. But we're basically robbed of that process. And we're giving wrong interpretations and me to fear it in this culture. And actually feel like this is the start of the peer potential project. I've talked about that. And this is my meaning action potential. It's the action of the meanings that I've made through this process and in reference to this process, and hoping that others will do the same. And I was thinking about how it's just a world of different meanings. So one is in a state of seeing different meanings, clashing with a world of old meanings, and it's difficult to balance both. And then we usually fall back into the old meanings and have to take medication to suppress the new meanings. And I feel like there's no self there's just wrong meanings or ascribing meanings to a center or self or how most of the meanings we make are in reference to a self that isn't there or isn't real. So of course, it feels meaningless. And then we're we're making meaning without reference to a self It's full of meaning. But that's not the way the world works. That's not the algorithm of the world. Imagine if what was valued, had something to do with meaning, as opposed to the values of today that are causing such tragedies in the world. And I feel like the mental health system changes the map self model, into a self model of mental illness. And self dialog works to change that self model into perhaps a meaning making self model. And part of what makes map scary is when one can see the mechanisms of one's own thoughts, and what they're doing. One can now read what other people are thinking and doing, because it's so machine like, and it becomes really scary. And I feel like the self is manufactured. It's more an entity of commercial as commercialism. And so can we unmanufactured itself by continually making meaning without reference to the self. I feel like in a way, if we're able to share context and make meaning, beyond right and wrong, we in a way share oneself, if we're just passing the meanings between us and sharing and having dialogue, not about me, and you and this person in that, but just about meaning in general. Then it's just oneself, there's no actual center there. And I wrote down that map, changes our perceptual hierarchy. It makes salient different things. So maybe, pleasure was top of the hierarchy before and it changes to seeing living things in the moment, and really being there with living things. For example, and there was mention of rationality and reason and how it wasn't around in the dark ages. So in a way, there were the Dark Ages, and then all of a sudden, it developed that the brain had this capacity for rationality and reason. And then that was treated as the top capacity, the most valued thing. But in a way, right now we're in Dark Ages again, in other ways. And there could be a new capacity in the brain trying to come in, beyond rationality and reason. And I think this is part of what's happening in map consciousness, is that energy and consciousness is experimenting with bringing other perspectives and ways of understanding and, and using the brain. It's being used by thought and suppose it rationality and reason and look at the world. So it's a dark age, for sure. And I think something else is trying to come in. And who knows if rationality and reason didn't arise, and kind of this strange way that at first seemed kind of irrational. Maybe when that first came in, people thought, what the heck everyone that had, say, faith in religions and things, thought rationality and reason was evil. And in the same way, it seems like rational, reasonable people think this new energy that's coming in, they're not even seeing it that way. Is, is bad. But it's something different. It's something new. And it doesn't exist in the majority, just like I'm sure rationality and reason didn't exist in the majority of brains at first. But now, people are raised in rationality and reason. Whereas maybe that was something that was acquired later on in life. So we'll just like now, people are growing up in rationality and reason. And then they lose their minds and appear to be crazy or something. But really, this could be rationality and reason, breaking down in a way. Just like maybe people back in the day were raised in some kind of religious consciousness and then they He saw that, hey, these things that people are saying to me these beliefs people are giving to me don't make sense. And if I do these certain experiments, I can show some sort of rationality and reason against those things. Well, the brain and map consciousness for people who have experienced it could say, from their own experience, whoa, there's something beyond rationality and reason like holy crap, and know from personal experience. But how do you talk about that, which is beyond rationality and reason to those who are rational and reasonable, and how you talk about something beyond in that other language of rationality and reason, because it doesn't make sense, according to that. But people would likely say that these brain states are something less than rationality and reason. And I don't think that's true. Maybe it's just to bring new light to rationality and reason and not necessarily get rid of it, there's still a place for that for sure. And a lot of map consciousness has to do with less emphasis on the autobiographical self. And I feel that's part of why I have trouble socially is that I'm not that interested in the autobiographical self. And the self, in a way is an appearance. And I wonder if there were five people who got together who had no self, if something else would arise, sort of an emergent property of five people with no self, I feel like the energy of my consciousness in one person eventually leads to a person being diagnosed as crazy, because there could be at some point of five people around somebody who's in that consciousness, looking at that person saying, Wow, you seem crazy, I wouldn't take you to the psych ward. Whereas if that person in mad consciousness managed to be around five people, or four others, like themself, that energy might find some kind of coherence and create another type of human that can only happen if there's five people in that state. And I think that's part of the problem of mob consciousness as most people go through it in isolation. Whereas if there were five people in it, together, passing the meaning together, and really thinking together, not as a me as a self, but as just one entity, then that would have a ripple effect. But when we're isolated like this, and even using our energy to, say, fight, psychiatry, or the system, which is one thing, but it's detracting us and distracting us from what this energy is trying to do. And if that energy can do that thing, whatever it is, we don't know, because it would take five people in that space to do that thing, then there would be no need to fight psychiatry, because it would be like the proof of the reason, like when reason became self evident, right now that energy, whatever it's trying to do, it's not self evident, because there has to be five no selves, to make it self evident, are evident to themselves and spread the no self perspective. So just like we have an appearance of our self, within our consciousness, there might be an appearance of something else completely a totally different faculty, a totally different algorithm, a totally different transparent model. Right now we have the self transparent model, or the transparent self model. So there might be a transparent, non self model. But it might actually need the space of several people working together to maintain that energy and almost create a protective sphere. And it could almost be like a puzzle. It's not complete until you have a certain number of pieces. And this energy might need a certain number of people to really take hold Because it goes with the fact that it's not a personal thing has nothing to do with me. It's not for personal. Suppose it enlightenment or anything like that it's something to do with humanity as a whole. So the self is an appearance of the movement of thought. So thought wasn't moving, if it was still, if it was, in a zero state, there would be no self. So what is there in a movement of this energy, of map consciousness, when it's moving through not just one brain, but through five brains than what appears. And in a way map consciousness releases us from the wrong meaning, we've attached to the self, which isn't really there. And, and then we're in the flow of meaning and not the flow of thought, which creates the self. So the flow of meaning creates something other than itself. I think it creates a living being who wants to connect, it's back to that altruism, of seeing that we're all one. And not just in words, but actually. And the human brain wants us to get with the right meanings. So people who go into the meaning making state are attempting to get in alignment with the right meanings, and bring those back. So actually, the next age could be the age of meaning. It was the age of reason, and rationality. And now, we need some meaning behind this rationality, because there's a lot of rational things that are meaningless or are destructive. And in a way, it's hard to survive going into that meaning making domain because we come back down to this level of reason in order to bring back the meaning. But unfortunately, we are infused with wrong meaning and seen as crazy when really, we've connected to that next level of meaning. And when we come back down to the level of reason, we seem a little bit crazy, because we're saying meanings that have not yet taken hold of this meaningless, irrational world. I think that's really important. The meaning versus the reason. And I feel like wrong, meaning destroys the brain. All the thoughts in our head that are pretty meaningless. Cause the brain to shrivel up. It's not really flowing. It's not flowing with meaning that's flowing with thought. And that's repeating. And this is the human brain talking. The human brain speaks a language of meaning right now it speaks a meaningless language and it needs meaning. Think about how, when people in their life often it's because they don't have a reason to live. So they're saying, well, I need a reason. But they can't find any reason. Because there's no reason that can be good enough for a life to be good. And one might say, well, life is meaningless. Well, we need some kind of meaning. We need meaning and we don't if we add one meaning and might be enough, and I don't think there could be any reason that would be good enough. We need meaning, not reason. I don't think that made sense. But it kind of made sense in my brain. And that's all that matters.

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