Domestic Violence and Other Unacceptable Behavior – 356

If Acceptance is the key to serenity, what do you do about unacceptable behavior and domestic violence?

Kathy H joined the Recovery Show to talk about her experience with domestic violence, and the strength and hope she has found in recovery.

We started with some definitions for unacceptable behavior and domestic violence.

Definitions

Definition of Unacceptable Behavior

* any conduct that is unreasonable, regardless of the level of stress, frustration or anger experienced, because it compromises health, safety or security* From Law Insider* Unacceptable – too bad to be accepted, approved of, or allowed to continue* From Cambridge Dictionary 

Definition of Domestic Violence

Does that only start when a spouse physically hurts another spouse?  The answer is no – domestic violence starts much sooner than physical violence.  

Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.

It includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate or control a partner, or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to, including through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.

Multiple forms of abuse are usually present at the same time in abusive situations, and it’s essential to understand how these behaviors interact so you know what to look for (National Domestic Violence Hotline).

Some examples of abuse that are part of domestic violence include:

* Physically hurting you, children or pets* Reckless driving* Abandoning you in unfamiliar places* Trying to isolate you from family and friends* Financial control* Humiliating comments* Damaging belongings, throwing things, punching walls, kicking doors* Threats of violence* Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.* Verbal abuse 

So many of these items sound and feel small taken just one at a time.  They are so easy to trivialize, minimize, and overlook.  Taken together they slowly, over time, cause a person to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power.

Our conversation

Kathy's experience is perhaps too neatly summarized here: “I experienced many types of gaslighting starting very early on in our marriage, attempted control of my friends, financial control, reckless driving, abandoning me and my child in unfamiliar places, and mean comments for 13 years before I finally saw through the denial and confusion. But I will say that in between those low points, there were very good times where my husband was great. Every time I would think “FINALLY! He has realized that what he was doing was wrong for so many reasons. And then at some point it would all pick back up again. It’s all a cycle which makes it all that much more confusing.”

What did living with domestic violence feel like? “Living with domestic violence was like living in a circus fun house of weird mirrors.