Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor in the 1980s, wrote a book that suggested that every person has a primary language for communicating and feeling most loved. He broke these into five basic languages. Chapman's original five love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. These are all pretty self-explanatory. But, we'll break them down just a little. After all, there was an internationally best-selling book written about it, with a modest 20 million copies sold.
Physical Touch
Everyone automatically assumes this is every man's first love language. It's a bit more complex. The first thing Chapman mentions in the book is how babies respond to physical touch. Parents of NICU babies are encouraged to touch their children to promote healing and better development. Children who are hugged and kissed by their parents are said to develop a healthier emotional life than those who aren't. Then, of course, there is physical touching in a romantic relationship. We show love with hand holding, putting our arms around one another, and sexual activity. If this is how you feel most loved, the idea is that Physical Touch is your love language.
Quality Time
If Physical Touch is for the men (and we're not saying it is), this one is for the women. Quality Time is all about giving your time to your partner. Chapman is specific with this one, that he's not talking about watching TV together. He's talking about the mushy kind of quality time. The staring deep into one another's eyes, contemplating the universe together kind of quality time. This is undivided, you're the only person here, kind of attention. Let's be honest, everyone wants this at some point in their relationship. But, if you want this regularly to feel most loved, Quality Time may be your love language.
Words of Affirmation
“I can live for two months on a good compliment.” – Mark Twain
This is how Chapman opens the chapter on Words of Affirmation in his book. It is a rather poignant quote and applies simply to any relationship. Say nice things to people. Whether it's a romantic relationship, parental, sibling, professional, or otherwise, giving compliments is a no-brainer way to show love. But, what if that's not their way to feel love? Take Amy for example, Words of Affirmation doesn't do it for her. She was raised to say thank you and telling someone when their hair looks nice is just second nature to her. So, for Amy, giving people a compliment or verbal appreciation is just something people should do. It's not really anything extra for her. Words of Affirmation is not her love language. Someone who does love to hear these things regularly though, someone like Mark Twain who could live two months on a good compliment, they may be able to claim Words of Affirmation as their love language.
Acts of Service
Another one that is a bit more complex than it sounds is Acts of Service. Acts of Service are expressed by doing things to show your love. As far as marriage or couples counseling goes, this is a love language that can be easily missed by a couple who is having trouble connecting. This is the everyday, the nitty-gritty, the life part of the life you live together. It's when he empties the dishwasher without being asked or when she takes care to fold his laundry how he likes. It's the stuff that can so easily go unnoticed without trying. The idea is that it becomes an Act of Service when we go out of our way to do these things specifically for our partners, not just because they must get done to be checked off the to-do list. If you feel most loved when your partner takes a task off your plate for you, Acts of Service may be your love language.
Receiving Gifts
There really are not any complexities to this one. However, Chapman does make a point to mention that the gift itself does not matter and that it can also be a “gift of your presence.” You can give money, a stick (an example from the book), expensive diamonds, extravagant well-thought-out gifts, or just the gift of yourself being there (not to be confused with quality time). No matter, what the gift is, it is a visual representation of your love. If you feel most loved by receiving gifts, this may be your love language.
What are the New Seven Love Languages?
In efforts to be more inclusive and current, Truity, a company that offers a variety of online personality quizzes, released its list of 7 new love languages earlier this month (February 2022). Truity surveyed over 500,000 people in their study and came up with this list: activity, appreciation, emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, and practical. The below definitions are directly from Truity's site:
Activity
People who focus on the Activity love language feel special and valued when their partner takes an interest in their hobbies and activities and makes an effort to enjoy hobbies and interests together.
Appreciation
People who focus on the Appreciation love language feel loved when their partner gives them compliments, praise, and thanks. They appreciate hearing explicitly what their partner likes and admires about them.
Emotional
Those who focus on the Emotional love language feel loved when their partner is able to connect with them and support them through difficult and scary emotions. Being present for the highs and lows is very important to those with the Emotional love language.
Financial
People with the Financial love language feel loved when their partner is generous with resources, and sees value in spending money to bring their partner pleasure and joy. This love language may be expressed through gifts, or just making space in the family budget for your partner's enjoyment.
Intellectual
People with the Intellectual love language like to connect through the mind. They feel loved when their partner values their intelligence, respects their opinion, and takes part in thoughtful discussion of important issues.
Physical
People with the Physical love language feel loved when they receive physical affection—hugs, holding hands, and snuggles. They want their partners to show they're attracted to them and initiate loving touch.
Practical
People with the Practical love language feel loved when their partners chip in with everyday duties and responsibilities. They feel cared for when their loved ones do chores and offer help.