Miles’ chances fate at the neighborhood Walmart, while Bob continues a journey of firsts in his life.

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Hey, my workstation. This is Bob. Oh, you started recording that. You jerk. Frickin’ jerk, man, for recording that, man. That’s some bullshit, man. Oh, my gosh. That is some bullshit. That’s some bullshit. That’s some bullshit. All right, let’s edit that out, man. I want people to know. Editor. We’ll fix that in post. We’ll fix it in post. Yeah, thanks. Fix it in post. I’m on top again. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I know you have some ego problems, so. Well, no. I have some problems. Oh, my God. You were like on one tonight. You were on a tear. I got one less problem without you. Mm-hmm. You know that? Yeah, you’re trouble tonight. Walmart for Christ’s sake. I did. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you’d already went. I already went. Yeah. Every time you go Walmart, when you’re in one of these snits, you get yourself in trouble. I know. I just went there to get a story. I’m like, man, I need something like weirdos to do some weird stuff. If I walk around the store long enough, my, uh, uh,
my sweatpants who don’t have a drawstring will fall down and that’ll be a funny story. You know, that is not too far from the truth, actually. That’s the funny part. The soiled shirt I’ve been wearing all week. You know, say something about it. I would hope that wouldn’t happen tonight because I’m wearing like these old Chicago bear, like boxer underwears and they’re full of holes. I refuse to throw it away. And my wife is like, please, please throw those away. And I go, no, I will not until they win the Superbowl again. I will not throw these away. This is like the flag. You don’t throw it away. You burn it. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Yeah, these are like the nastiest, holiest things, you know. I mean, if I leave my drawers, people are going to see like a lot of stuff dangling and stuff because it’s just the way it is. Because I got pendulous butt cheeks.
i don’t even know what that means my nickname in high school was clackers yeah Oh, nice. They call me metronome. Oh, there was a kid in high school that had a lot of back acne and they used to call him pizza ass. How did you get through that? It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me, dude. All right. Yeah, unfortunately, he had a hearing problem. He kept saying, boy, everybody says I’m a piece of ass. Which is weird, the boys’ locker room. Yeah, you’re right. Well, hey, you take it where you can get it. Yeah, I try not to spend a lot of time in the boys’ locker room. Even as an adult. I hope you don’t spend time. Coach Tidal, what are you doing staring at us? You’re a weirdo, man. You’ve got some weird stuff going on. I’m doing jock check, son. Just a jock check. It’s a swimming class. Oh. Always be prepared. Safety first.
You never know when an errant kick gets you right in the jimmies, you know? Although, I know I’ve told you this before, but my dad went to Chicago school and they said they had to swim naked all the time. Right. We’re playing shirts and skins and water polo, kids. That’s weird, man. If they would have said, okay, you’re all going to swim naked, I’d be like, I’m taking the zero right now. I’m taking the zero. It was normal back then. I mean, people just ran around naked. No, come on. That’s weird, man. No, it was all part of the culture. Okay. Hey, you swim naked? Yeah, I swim naked. You swim naked? Yeah, I swim naked. I swim naked. Hell, we went to class naked. It’s all naked. That guy. We called the nudie school. I said, you go to nudie school? Yeah, I went to nudie school. I don’t think my dad went to nudie school, jerk. You freaking jerk. I’m pretty sure he did. Nah, come on. My dad went to Waller High School. Screw you, man.
Hey, he’s a baller from Waller, the nudie school. Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh. Well, you remember last week, I told you there was two things last week that happened that I’ve never, ever encountered before. Do you recall this at all? Let me think. Okay, so last week. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, man. Don’t be like that, man. Come on, now. No, you went to like water aerobics with your wife and a bunch of old people and the old people were like better than you. And then you were like, like you were feeling bad because you wore like your shirt in the pool. Cause you didn’t want. No, I didn’t. You were the one who was accusing me of wearing this shirt in the pool. I didn’t wear my shirt in the pool. I bet you wore the shirt in the pool. Cause you’re like, I don’t want these old people to see my. I didn’t. I think you did. Well, you can think that, but it’s not true. You probably have on your Judas priest.
t-shirt or something. It’s just like your dad went to nudie school. My dad didn’t go to nudie school. Screw you, man. My dad didn’t go to no nudie school. Screw you. Frickin’ jerk. So the other thing that happened last week, first for me, well, there was actually more than one, there was actually more than two, but the second thing led to another first. So I don’t necessarily count it. So you were the first time I’ve ever taken a laxative. I never in my life had taken a laxative for any reason. You’re changing the whole dynamic of the show. You know this. I mean, you’re swimming with old people last week. This week, you’re taking laxatives. Well, the reason is I got conned into getting a colonoscopy. Oh, you’ve never had one. I’ve never had one. I had to take a laxative.
How did you wait? How did this happen? Cause I’ve always like, you should get your prostate, you know, and stuff. I didn’t do the prostate. I just got your phone looked at. Yeah. How’d that go? I’ll tell you. Okay. Wait, I got video. Hold on a second. I will. I’m I I’m off the show, man. If this pulls that up, I’m not watching it. As you see, this is where we’re entering. Yeah. Pizza ass. Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. So, no, I had, like, months ago, I had to go to the doctor for, like, an ear infection. Right. And, you know, they have you at their mercy because I needed an antibiotic. And nowadays, they hold on to those things like, you know, They’re life-saving, you know what I’m saying? So I was like, no, you can’t. You have to come in. Oh, wait a minute. We got to look at it. You said ear? We thought you said rear. We thought you had a rear infection. And so I had to go in, and then I got the nth degree from the nurse practitioner. Wow, yeah.
And so I ended up – it was like I went to the garage and they’re like, well, you know, Bob, you could use four new tires, oil change, and transmission. And I’m like – and they’re like, you know, you got to do it all. I’m like, what? I’ve lived my whole life not doing anything. Why all of a sudden do I have to – Do you really want to die now? You know, children fatherless at this stage in their life. Yeah. It gave me the nth degree. So that’s called a Polish brain surgery. So I gave in, I said, sure. Okay. I guess it’s been, I guess it’s been, you know, I turned into Christopher Lalkin. Sure. Okay. I guess it’s been long enough.
And, um, so they’re like, okay, here you call this place and you go, you know, get yourself set up for a colonoscopy you’re gonna come back in a couple weeks we’re gonna draw blood right you know we’re gonna do all this stuff in the meantime, quit eating like a fucking 10 year old and walk around every once in a while. Those were my instructions. You didn’t whip out your step counter that you’re always bragging about? I did talk about that. Oh, I bet you did. Yeah, bullshit. Yeah. She just said bullshit to me. Yeah, you are a bullshitter. And then the other thing was she’s like, what did you have for lunch yesterday? I go, well, leftover pizza. She’s like, you think that was a good choice? I’m like,
Well, yeah, because we had leftover pizza. Yeah, there was a lot of it. It was leftover. Casey’s Pizza? Yeah, me. That wasn’t Casey’s. So I really got kind of the verbal pummeling when I went to the doctor. So I said, okay, this is just like the other thing. I’m like, okay, I’ll do it. Sign me up. Mm-hmm. So they’re like, no, you’ve got to sign yourself up. This is the worst part. They don’t even do it for you. They make you do it. You know what I mean? I mean, one thing if I just said, yeah, okay, you know, sign up. No. Okay, here’s the number. You call them. You go through all the menus. You set. No. Oh, my God. My doctor’s place, they check all that stuff out before you leave. Like, okay, you’re going in Wednesday. No, no. I had to do it all on my own. So.
So then I put it off for a couple of weeks. I finally go. And then the stupid colonoscopy guys like, well, I’m not just going to see, you know, we’re just not going to do that. You got to come in. I’m like, fuck. Consultation. Consultation. 400 bucks. So I go in to the consultation and I get this nice young lady who comes in and asks me a bazillion questions about my health. And, and she’s like, you know, You don’t take any medication. I’m like, no, nothing, nothing. Yeah. And she’s like, do you feel all right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She’s like, okay. All right. Well, it looks like we can, we can get you. And how about, you know, and then she starts scheduling me up or whatever. And I’m like, all right, whatever. I’ll do it. Yeah. You know, you don’t want to die.
Everybody says that. You don’t want to die. Ma’am, you don’t even know me. Yeah. You don’t even know me, ma’am. Don’t want to die. I’m like, you know, I can’t be honest in these meetings. Totally. I’m like, lady, for the last like 40 plus years, I shit at the same time every day. Wow. That’s pretty regulated. I’m regular as fuck. I’ve never taken a laxative in my life. I’ve never been backed up. Right. Nothing. This is a machine right here. It’s the pooping machine that I’ve got going on right here. Yeah. I swear to God, everybody’s like, oh, there’s so much red meat. There’s no red meat in my system. It all comes right out. Yeah. You weirdo. I get these instructions on what I’m supposed to do to prep before I go into colonoscopy. And so one of them was you had to take a bunch of this laxative and then you had to mix this other laxative in some kind of drink and drink this 32 ounces of laxative drink. Yes. So I’m like, all right, I’m
you know, and for a penny and for a pound, I’m going to do this. And so, you know, on my scheduled time when I was supposed to do this, take the laxatives and, you know, like within, I don’t know, maybe 35 minutes, I’m like, yeah, everything’s, I’m good, right? Oh, yeah. Literally, everything was pretty much out of my system before I ever drank the other shit. I did not… There wasn’t anything in there. The chaser. Yeah. I’m like, I’m like, I’m pooping water and I haven’t even drank the mixture. Yeah. Yeah. And I will tell you, I made one critical error. Oh boy. Here we go. So, you know, they had, they gave me a sheet and say, okay, you can, you can take it with, you know, tea. You can take it with water. You can’t take it. You can take it with Gatorade. You can take it with, you know, you can’t take it with anything that’s red or purple. Okay. And I’m like, well, I’m like, am I going to choke all this down?
I have no idea what it’s like because I’ve never ever taken it before. I thought it was going to be gritty or something. It wasn’t. I had my wife get me some Crystal Light lemonade packets. I mixed it all up with that and I drank 32 ounces of Crystal Light laxative. The horror as I shit yellow bright bright bright yellow god this is disgusting. Like continuously for like 12 hours i’m gonna be sick it was so it was i was like it was it was the weirdest. It was like a fire engine yellow. Yeah. And literally that i just did that. So then I’m like, and I felt horrible. I felt my wife’s laughing at me. How are you finally doing this? I can’t believe it. You know, you should have tried different colors and be like, Hey, like give me green. Let’s do one bottle of this. And one bottle. Yeah. I’m going to do water next. If I have to do this ever again, I’m not, I’m only going to do water. That’s for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So I, uh, I feel horrible. I feel like I’m ill because I’m,
I basically just processed all this straight through my system. There was nothing to stop it. Nothing. I think I pooped twice and then everything else after that was just water. I go in the next day. My wife has to take me. I have to have somebody take you. Obviously, they make you get naked and put on a stupid gown. You get on this gurney. The thing is, we go to this place and I swear to God, the waiting room looked like the waiting room of the dead at Beetlejuice. It was such a shitty waiting area. My poor wife had to wait in it the whole time. So I go back, they call me back. And as we’re going back, I look in the end of the hallway, the door is open to the outside. And I asked the lady who was like, you know, the nurse or whatever, leading me back. I’m like, are we going outside? Yeah. Pick the table. And she starts cracking up. She’s like, no. And I’m like,
okay, that door’s open. It’s like 90 bazillion degrees here today. People pay money. We let them look in. So then she takes me in, tells me to strip down and get on the gurney. And so I’m laying there and I don’t know where she’s like, oh, you can keep your socks on because I actually, normally I don’t wear socks. Anytime it’s warm enough, it doesn’t even have to be that warm, just warm enough. I do not wear socks or shoes most of the day. So I asked my wife, I go, you think I should put socks on? She’s like, yeah, you better put some socks on. And so I’m just in my socks and the gown and I’m laying there, you know, this is freaking me out. I’ve only been put under anesthesia once in my life and it was not a pleasant experience. So yeah, that was in college actually. So yeah, when my niece was
You’re an A, yeah. Then I’m laying there and the lady comes in and she’s like, okay, we’re going to put you to sleep here in a little while, but first I got to get you hooked up with an IV and all this stuff. Tell me about the procedure. She goes to put the IV in and it’s like free-for-all on dropping things on my crotch. Yeah. I can’t remember what she had. I don’t know if it was a notepad or something. She just drops it right on my crotch. Then she gets me IV’d up and I’m like, now am I going to go to sleep? She’s like, no, not yet. The narcissist is going to come in and talk to you. I’m just getting you ready to go to sleep. I’m like, okay. Then they
He comes in and he’s, you know, chatting me up. Hey, how you doing today, Bob? How’s it going? You ready for this? I’m like, no. And then he proceeds to drop the, he’s hooking up things to my chest, you know, to monitor me while I’m asleep. He drops the fucking junction thing on my nuts. Yeah. Mike, what is it with these people? They might as well put a bullseye on this thing, for Christ’s sake. Everybody’s hitting it with shit. Oh, my gosh. So then he’s like, I’m like, I go, so he goes, and he’s like, okay, so what’s going to happen is we’re going to take you into the procedure room. Yeah. And, you know, you’re going to roll over on your side, and then I’m going to give you some stuff in your IV, and you’re going to be out like that. I’m like, really? I’m like, I don’t know.
And then he’s looking at my leg and he’s like, hey, what’s with the knee? He goes, you had surgery with your knee, I guess. I go, yeah. Those are some big holes in your knee. I have all these scars. By the way, I’m just looking over here. Speaking of big holes. So then he’s like, okay, roll over towards me. Uh-huh. And I went, okay. And then, you know, like, I remember when I had my knee surgery, they gave me stuff to go into surgery to knock me out. And it took a while because I ended up talking to the doctor as I was going under. And he kept calling me the wrong name. And I couldn’t get out my name. I’m like, that’s not me. That’s not me.
Um, and so this time though, the guy, he, he hooks up a thing and he plunges it and God damn. I’m going to throw this on your nuts in about a minute. If you’re not asleep, like, uh, tingles go up my neck and I was out. It felt like I was going into the matrix for Christ’s sake. You know, when he turns inside out, that’s what it felt like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I’m out, and I guess they go to town on looking at my butt. Yeah. Because I have nowhere. And then the next thing you know, I wake up, and they’re not done. Oh, no. oh shit, he’s awake. Yeah, I didn’t hear anybody say that, but in my head, because I couldn’t speak, I was still sedated enough, right? Yeah. I’m like wiggling. I mean, this guy was working it. My whole body was wiggling.
And in my head I go, well, I guess I’ll just let him finish. Oh, my God. And then the next thing I know, I’m in the recovery room. So I don’t know if I woke up briefly and he hit me with another jolt or… Hey, Wiggles, you okay? I know I was awake because I, you know, I mean, I was coming into consciousness for a moment there. And I couldn’t feel anything in my butt, but I certainly could feel that something was happening. Yeah. So then I’m in there. And actually, I think it started with the anesthetist guy. He’s like, hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. And he’s like pushing me, you know, like pushing on your shoulder. Wake up. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. Wake up. And then I’m like, what? And then he goes, oh, good. You’re awake. Like, I was really out of it.
And so then another different nurse comes in and is like, okay, whenever you’re ready, I want you to get up and go to the bathroom because you’re full of gas. I’m like, what? They pump air? Yeah, they pump me full of carbon dioxide. Yeah. And I’m like, all right. And so I just start getting up. And I wasn’t ready to get up yet. And I started fumbling around. You realize you’re in the waiting room. Honey, what are you doing in the bathroom? Yeah. I kind of like, she’s like, you don’t have to get up yet. And I’m like, no, I’m getting up. And then I stumble back to the back. There’s like a bathroom in the thing, you know, and I go back there and she gives me my clothes and she’s like, after you get done, you can go to, you know, get dressed. And I’m like, all right, whatever lady.
I don’t know. I’m angry at this point. I don’t know why. It’s almost like it’s a dream at this point in the time. I let out this tremendous fart, just huge, roaring. Guess what? What? I left the bright yellow Oh, God. You’re still shitting yellow. God. I’m like, holy moly. This is the worst idea I’ve ever had drinking lemonade. Oh, my Lord. Look at me. I’m curious. Yellow. Yeah. Oh, look at that. So anyway, I take care of that. I get dressed. I’m still kind of groggy. And I’m asking everybody questions. I’m like, what’s that? what is there? Like, what’s that full of? She’s like, those are all scopes. I guess that’s what they stick up your butt. Oh, really? And then she’s like, okay, we’re going to take you over to see the doctor. And, uh, is it okay if your wife is in there with you? I’m like, yeah, I guess so. And so anyway, my wife’s in there with me and we’re sitting there waiting for the doctor. I’m still like loopy is all good. Yeah.
And I’m looking around and I’m like, you know, talking to her a little bit. And then this, the doctor comes in. Now I, uh, failed to mention on my, my earlier when I met him, uh, he didn’t give me a lot of confidence, but I stuck with it. Right. I figured what the hell. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because he has one of his eyes. He was like Marty Feldman. His eye was going all the wrong way. One of them. Oh no. That’s a guy who just pegged you. Oh shit. Yeah. Exactly. He’s very nice, uh, gentleman but yeah. And then my wife’s like, she’d never met him. She meets him and she’s because you could, I could just tell. She’s like, Oh my Lord. Look at how his eye is like nowhere near being in alignment. You know, you’re like that guy from harry potter yeah mad eye moody yeah so uh so he you know he goes you did a great job on your prep work.
And I go, thank you. I didn’t know what he meant. My wife’s like, you know, he meant that you took all your stuff and shit everything out. Right. And, and, and so just for everybody’s, you know, knowledge, I’m cancer free. I have no cancer. Thank God. And I had, he said, I have one small polyp and that was it. Yeah. And I’m like, I could have told you that, you know, I didn’t have to go through all this. Yeah. I am Mr. Regular. You know what I mean? Right. I don’t know if that helps or not, but nothing stays in there long enough to matter. Anyway, for whatever reason, I’m still loopy. I was proud of myself. Did I get a sticker or something? Call it cancer-free? Yeah, it’s on your ass cheeks. We put it on there.
So anyway, then at this point, my wife had only, let’s see, how long was she there? I guess we were there for like maybe an hour and a half or two hours. And she’d had enough. She was ready to go home. Well, she drove me home, but she was like, God, it took forever. And I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t know. She’s like, what are you doing back there? I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t know. So, yeah, so I had, now I’ve experienced what you’ve experienced multiple times. I had one where I was awake. Yeah, I should try that one. Oh, no. Yeah, there’s one where you’re awake. I think I would have rather had that, to be honest with you. I don’t know. I don’t think so. Do they sing to you or, like, you know, soothe you so I stroke your forehead? They give you dinner first, and then, I don’t know.
I give you dinner and then they go in. No, I’m joking. You know, so yeah. Well, let’s work on that prostate next. Yeah, I guess so. Can’t they look at that on the way? I mean, isn’t it somewhere close by? No, that’s more money. Well, maybe next time I’ll get cajoled into doing that. Next time I need, you know, life-saving drugs, they’ll cajole me into doing some other thing. Oh, and here’s the kicker. Yeah. I give my blood work back. Oh. All normal range for just about everything. My cholesterol is like two points over the line. But everything else within acceptable limits. Well, good. So your pegging went good. That’s good. Well, I think that nurse practitioner is going to be all mad because she’s like, oh, here’s a big fucked up idiot that I can, you know, have coming in here for the, you know. Out.
They get a kickback. They’re all buddies. They get a kickback for doing that shit. Come on. She thought for sure I was diabetic or something. Yeah, you’re something. I don’t know what. I’m like, oh, she’s so mad. I got my results, you know. Yeah, nothing. I mean, I suppose I should do something about my two points for cholesterol. You’ll be all right. Yeah, I think I’ll make it. I’ll survive. You’ll be all right. And I’ll get hit by a car or something. But other than that, maybe. So anyway, that’s the big saga. The the the first I can see you’re thrilled.