Don’t ask how I am doing, showing up on people I may know or try to apologize. It’s too late for an apology.  I do forgive you, but forgive myself more for the hell you put me

through. The second time not only did you get fired, this is on your record permanently. You thought I would let it slide. These last two years I was collecting evidence. Letting you run your mouth and letting you think you got away with it. You thought I was naive, I stupid because I was being quiet. You thought becoming a manager you were above the law and above everyone. Being quiet only exposed every part of you. Did it hurt yes, but in the end it costed you everything. The room is on fire, everyone is checking on you, because finding out the truth. The hell you endure, but you kept it professional. No one knew how much it broke you, but you walked through hell like it was nothing, but it took everything from you. It took you months to recover, to heal, and still hurts just the same, but nothing will stop you from sharing your strength. 

Breaking the chains, is like flashing lights that remind you of the small things that turn into moments of your life that you wish to forget. Sharing my story wasn’t for sympathy. Watching a grow man in his forties not only break a door in half in front of you, but burning you with cigarettes, while choking you in the process. Being mentally, sexually, verbally and physically abused, I’m the one who still gets blamed for it? I’m the one who caused it? What mess up logic is that? It was two weeks before I was thirteen, I was twelve when this happened, but it all started when I was nine. The same year my parents got divorced. It just gradually got worse. Why do you think I don’t have a relationship with you? Why I went no contact? You think sharing my story was for attention or it was made up. You weren’t there. How would you know what went down, when he lived under your roof? You cared more about marrying him, than even hearing me out. We did have good moments and you gave me the tools to survive, but my life would never be same. The flashing lights slowly became less scary. I was never related to this man, the only relationship I have is with my dad, my four brothers and my dad side of the family. I don’t hate you, but I will never be able to have conversation with you where I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells, you cut me off or play the victim. You flip the story to make yourself feel better. You get to live life like nothing ever happened, while I am grieving a person that is still alive and a situation I never asked for, but  destroyed me. A situation that not only changed me, but I would never be the same. 

I will always support the education system, but I have had my fair share of teachers who hated me, who didn't like me and wanted to see me fail or they would do illegal things that would cost them their license. I was never the perfect student, I made mistakes, hurt others and had to learn the hard way from many things I did. With many teachers taking the side of the bully, then playing the victim when the truth came out or acting nice because you got caught. It's not my problem that your true intentions were exposed, and don't think I forgot either. You are enough, don't let a grown adult tell you nothing will ever happen for you, that they try to fail you illegally and lie when they get caught. You are enough and you will be someone someday. All of us make mistakes and none of us are perfect, but many of us choose to learn from our mistakes instead of lying and hurting innocent people. Lying on your resume that you have the qualifications to be a professor at a technical college and also trying to pull illegal moves on several students, not just you. It's too late now to apologize now, you didn't destroy any of us, you went to jail because you committed a crime. That only the technical college had to apologize on your behalf but many schools you attended had to apologize. Even the unit the commander was part of, their own representative had to apologize for someone else's actions. Each profession will have some sour fruit, some will give dirty looks, talk bad about you. That's a them issue not an you issue, the choice is yours if you want to break and destroy everything or make it better.

Being bullied or harassed when you are a kid, teenager or even an adult. Nothing changes about the bully, it’s either out of envy or jealousy. You are not hurting me, you only hurt yourself. Digging a hole that you can’t get out of but you blame everyone else for your own actions instead of taking accountability. Cheating your way through school or copying someone else just shows you have no personality. Tell me something girl, even through the pain and heartache. You never treated the ones who hurt you the same way. You did stand up for yourself. They are angry now because they have a criminal record and they can’t handle the consequences of their actions. They are only sorry because they got caught. While you are living in misery and still playing the victim, many of us have healed but will never forget the pain you put us through. Your lies will always come to light. What you try to hide will always come to light. Now that you have a track record, was it really worth it in the end to destroy your life over lies and hate? You have no one to blame but yourself. Once a bridge is burned you can no longer fix it or come back. Many of us will forgive ourselves but not you, because you will take it as a victory. It’s okay to not forgive them but you do need to forgive yourself. You matter in the end and it’s time to put yourself first. 

Watching the sunset, it reminds me how thankful I am, that God gave me another day to live and to see another day. I am not perfect, I have sinned, but I am thankful for God’s grace. To start this new year, new chapter, I wanted to share the hardest parts of my life, but all credit will always go to God. There were times I had to apologize for how I treated others, I did because I cared for how bad hurt each person. Everything I did wasn’t for something for return, it was out of respect and that I recognized when I did wrong. Many did take advantage of my kindness and respect, but that will change as well. I had so many individuals in my life who supported me throughput my life as well, and I am very thankful for that support. That support is what got me where I am today, I wouldn’t be where I am today, without the support, but also being humble, kind and respectful, while also standing up for myself. God has always been good to me, and we do have history. I love the Lord, and I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but I am so thankful for him. If there was one major thing I learned, it’s to trust God and not do everything on your own. When you try to do everything on your own, it won’t work out. For my birthday, I want to give glory to God and show him how thankful I am to know him and that he saved me in my darkest hour. That his only son died for me, to save me. I did get lost, wander off, but the Lord helped me find my way. These beautiful sunsets, isn’t just something we cherish, but a reminder of where we came from and who worship. Life will be tough, we will sin, but God will always want us to come to him. It can be scary, but he loves all of us. I never hated no one and I was never mad at anyone, I just felt bad for the hate that they had. That they refuse to heal themselves or that God won’t accept them, but that is wrong. Don’t mock God, it won’t end well, with each sunset be thankful to be alive and grateful to see each day.