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Welcome back to the podcast that helps you navigate life’s biggest challenges with clarity and confidence. I am your host Holly Escalera and im so happy you are here. Over the past few episodes, we’ve explored how to break free from the pressure to explain yourself and release the grip of feeling like you’re not enough. In this episode, we’re diving into what life looks like for someone who struggles with self-love and, more importantly, how to begin the journey toward healing and self-acceptance. 

You are a person, juggling work, family, and the endless list of responsibilities that come with both. From the outside, it seems like you have it all together—always taking care of others, always saying "yes" when someone needs you. But deep down, you feel empty.

Morning Routine: Running on Empty

You wakes up early, not because your well-rested, but because you have to. You skip breakfast most mornings—too busy packing lunches, laying out the necessary items for dinner and making sure everyone else is taken care of. You don’t have time for coffee, let alone a moment to breathe before the chaos of the day begins.

As you drop your kids off at school, you catches a glimpse of yourself in the rearview mirror. You barely recognizes the woman staring back. You used to take care of yourself- you used to have dreams, passions, even hobbies. But now, you feel like your just going through the motions.

At Work: Seeking Validation

At your job, you are the go-to person. You stay late, picks up extra tasks, and rarely say "no." Deep down, you crave recognition, hoping that if you work hard enough, someone will finally notice you. But when you are overlooked for a promotion (again), you don’t fight for yourself. Instead, you tell yourself, Maybe I’m just not good enough.

Relationships: Afraid to Speak Up

Your spouse or partner asks what’s wrong when you seem distant, but you shrug it off with a smile. "I’m just tired," you say. The truth? You feel unseen. Unappreciated. But voicing that feels selfish, so you bury it.

With friends, you listen to their struggles, offering support and encouragement, but you never shares your own burdens. You don’t want to be a bother.

Evening Routine: Ignoring Her Own Needs

At night, after the kids are asleep, You finally have a moment to yourself. But instead of using it for something you enjoy, you scroll through social media, comparing your life to others. You sees moms who look happy, successful women who seem confident, and wonders, Why can’t I be like them?

You fall asleep exhausted, dreading another day of the same cycle.

"Have you ever felt like you’re just not good enough—like no matter how hard you try, it never feels like it’s enough? Today, we’re unpacking the heavy feeling of inadequacy and learning how to reclaim your self-worth."

Here is what you will take away from this episode:

You will understand the root of inadequacy and how it impacts relationships

You will identify and challenge the Inner critic within yourself

You will receive validation and inspiration 

So lets start off by identifying real life scenarios in which inadequacy shows up

The Overwhelmed Young Mom

Scenario: You’re a young mother who feels like your failing as a parent. You see other moms on social media managing their homes perfectly, homeschooling their kids, and still having time for self-care. Meanwhile, you struggle just to get through the day without losing your cool. When your child’s teacher comes to you with a complaint, you feel ashamed, believing it’s your fault for not being a better mother. The exhaustion and self-doubt make you withdraw from friends, convinced they would judge you if they knew how much you were struggling.

The High-Achieving but Insecure Professional

Scenario: You are a 35-year-old marketing manager, who has climbed the corporate ladder quickly, but constantly feels like a fraud. Despite your accomplishments, your terrified that one day your boss will realize that you are not as smart or capable as people think. You overwork yourself, stay late and take on extra projects to prove your worth. When you receive constructive criticism, even minor feedback, you spiral into self-doubt, questioning whether you truly belong in this position.

The Overcommitted Helper

Scenario: You say yes to everything—helping at your kids' school, volunteering at church, taking on extra work projects, and always being the friend who’s available to listen. You thrive on being needed because it makes you feel important and valued. But deep down, your exhausted.

You rarely have time for yourself, yet the idea of saying no fills you with guilt—what if people think you’re selfish? What if they stop relying on you? You keep pushing through, even when you are approaching burnout. When you finally break down in tears from the overwhelming pressure, you feel ashamed, believing you should be strong enough to handle it all.

Understanding the Core of Inadequacy

Inadequacy is more than just self-doubt—it’s the emotionally painful feeling that who you are or what you do isn’t good enough. This belief doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s often a result of negative self-evaluations, whether shaped by past experiences, societal expectations, or a relentless inner critic.

What makes inadequacy so challenging is that it feels real, even if it isn’t grounded in fact. For example:

• A young professional might feel inadequate at work, convinced they’re not as talented as their peers—even when their boss praises their contributions.
• A parent might believe they’re failing their children because they’re not living up to some idealized version of what a "perfect parent" should be.
• Someone navigating relationships might feel they aren’t lovable or worthy of connection, even when their loved ones actively express appreciation and care.

The hallmark of inadequacy is that it’s not just about what’s true—it’s about what feels true. These persistent, painful beliefs create a narrative of inferiority that shapes how people see themselves and interact with the world.

For many, inadequacy can be tied to specific areas of life such as appearance, career choices, relationships, and parenting. 

What’s important to recognize is that inadequacy thrives on comparison—whether to others, to societal norms, or even to our past selves. And often, these comparisons aren’t fair or realistic.

Have you ever found yourself questioning your worth because you haven’t accomplished everything you wanted to by a specific age? For example, earned a degree, purchased a home, traveled outside of the country, married the love of your life, had children, and so on and so fourth. 

That feeling of measuring your worth by a checklist of accomplishments is so real. Society sets these invisible deadlines—be married by 30, own a home by 35, have your career figured out by 40—and when life doesn’t unfold that way, it’s easy to feel like you’re behind or that you’ve failed. But the truth is, your worth has never been tied to those milestones.

Your journey is yours—not anyone else’s. The absence of a degree, a home, a spouse, or travel experiences does not mean the absence of purpose, value, or impact. You are still becoming, still growing, still worthy. Life doesn’t have an expiration date for joy, success, or love. It’s okay to take a different path. It’s okay to start late. It’s okay to redefine what fulfillment looks like for you.

Welcome everyone to today’s episode where we’re diving into one of the biggest struggles parents face: the constant tug-of-war between wanting to be the “good enough” parent and simply trying to survive the day.

Parenting is tough, and if you’re like most parents, you’ve probably had moments where you feel stretched so thin that it’s hard to focus on being the calm, present, and understanding parent you want to be. It’s okay to admit it—sometimes just making it through the day feels like an accomplishment in itself.

What We’ll Cover Today

In this episode, we’re going to:

1. Normalize the reactivity that arises in those “survival mode” moments.
2. Explore how our past experiences might be triggering our responses.
3. Share practical tools for slowing down and responding with intention, even when life feels chaotic.

If you’ve ever felt torn between being the parent you aspire to be and the parent you are on your hardest days, this episode is for you. Let’s dig in and give ourselves the grace to navigate this beautifully messy journey of parenting. Shall we?

First, let’s unpack what it even means to be a “good enough” parent. Society, social media, and even our own inner critic often set these impossible standards:

• Keeping up with extracurricular activities and maintaining the day to day routine from

Making sure they get to school on time, homework is done each night, making sure they make it to another practice on time with the essential items, ensuring they come home to a cooked meal with all the nutrition needed for proper growth, oh and lets not forget the 20 minutes of reading before saying goodnight. In addition to that responding to every tantrum, outburst, or argument with a calm and patient demeanor while maintaining a perfectly organized home and nurturing meaningful relationships with our kids.

And yet, as much as we strive for this to happen, life throws curveballs—kids talk back, defy rules, argue over everything, and forget their responsibilities. These moments test our patience and can leave us questioning ourselves.

The Reality of Survival Mode

Now, let’s talk about what it feels like to just “survive the day.”

• You wake up with the best intentions, but before you know it, you’re breaking up arguments, handling a meltdown, or negotiating about screen time.
• By the afternoon, you’re managing your own exhaustion, trying to cook dinner, and resisting the urge to snap when the kids don’t follow through on simple tasks.
• For some of you, you skip the afternoon part because your working so the chaos waits until you get home.
• At bedtime, you’re left feeling drained, replaying every reactive moment and wondering if you’ve done enough.

Sound familiar? If so, I want to reassure you: you’re not alone, and you’re not failing.

Share the story of when Nataley didn’t have the right pants to wear and it got emotional.

There was a power control in between the both of us and neither of were going to back down. Power control between parents and children often leads to conflict because it creates a dynamic where both parties feel the need to assert themselves to maintain or gain control. Here’s a breakdown of how this happens:

1. Clash of Needs and Desires

• Parents often feel responsible for guiding their children and ensuring they follow rules and values, leading to an authoritative stance.
• Children, on the other hand, are naturally inclined to explore independence and assert their individuality as they grow.
• This push-and-pull dynamic creates tension, especially when parents see a child’s assertion as defiance rather than a natural part of development. Or in my case my emotions made me forget how my daughter will not tolerate certain material and she is picky about how her clothes fit.
• After going back and fourth for about 20 minutes, I said the following statement to my daughter. “One day I am not going to be here to help you through challenging times and I can’t wait for that to happen”. My daughter did not respond back. I felt so guilty for what I had said because I was basically telling her I wished to be dead. Now this is just one story of my lowest moments but I want to share the underlying issue. My daughter was upset because she didn’t have the right clothes for the day and this caused frustration. I was upset because I felt like a failure, even though I prepared ahead of time and gave her specific instructions to set her up for success, and it didn’t happen. I started to beat myself up, “I’m not a good enough parent”, “I can’t manage my tasks”, “I don’t have time to do the laundry so its my fault”. 

The Struggle is Real—and Normal

What you’re experiencing is the collision of two truths:

1. You deeply love your kids and want to give them the best version of yourself.
2. You’re human, and some days, simply making it to bedtime or out the door in the morning without tears—yours or theirs—feels like an achievement.

Here’s the thing: Being “good enough” doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing up, doing your best with the resources you have that day, and being willing to shift gears when things don’t go as planned. As parents we must take accountability for our actions and be willing to say sorry. So, once we were both calm which happened on the drive to school, I apologized to my daughter for what I said but I also explained why I was so emotional. I also normalized her frustration and explained to her that when I ask her to do something and include specific details such as, “Give me the clothes you NEED so I can wash them” I need her to follow through with the request. Being transparent with our children is the best gift we can give them because we are modeling and showing them how difficult life is, no sugar coating or masking, just being real and honest.

Understanding Reactiveness (10 minutes)

Reactive parenting is a pattern of emotional and immediate responses to a child’s behavior, often driven by frustration, stress, or unresolved past experiences. It tends to be automatic and unreflective, influenced more by the parent’s emotional state than the situation at hand. This approach can have both short-term and long-term effects on the parent-child relationship.

Why do we react?

Our tendency to react, especially as parents, is deeply tied to unresolved triggers from our upbringing. These triggers are rooted in past experiences where we may have felt unsafe, unheard, or unloved, and they shape how our brains are wired to respond during moments of conflict. Understanding this dynamic can help us navigate the battle between reacting and choosing a more intentional response.

Furthermore, lets explore the fight or flight response

Fight-or-Flight Response

• The brain is responsible for detecting threats and activating a fight-or-flight response. While this mechanism is essential for survival, it can also be overactivated in non-threatening situations, such as conflicts with our children.
• When we perceive a child’s defiance, whining, or lack of follow-through as a threat to our authority, respect, or sense of control, our brain may default to this protective mode.
• Childhood experiences where we felt powerless, criticized, or rejected often create emotional wounds. When a similar situation arises in the present (e.g., a child yelling or refusing to listen), it activates these old wounds, making us react defensively or emotionally. Without conscious awareness, our brain defaults to familiar patterns learned in childhood. For instance, if we were raised in a home where yelling was common, we might instinctively resort to yelling as a way to assert control.

These reactive parenting behaviors often stem from a place of deep love and concern for our children, even when they manifest in ways that aren’t ideal. As parents, we naturally want to protect, guide, and teach, but sometimes our own emotional responses overshadow our intentions. It’s common to justify our reactions with thoughts like, “That’s how I was raised, and I turned out okay.”

And for some, that may hold true—no judgment here. If reactive parenting feels aligned with your values, and you believe it serves your family well, then it might not feel necessary to change it.

However, if these reactions leave you with an unsettling feeling in your gut, if they amplify guilt or shame, or if you find yourself regretting the way you responded, this could be a sign that reactive parenting isn’t working for you.

I’m here to reassure you that there are solutions. You don’t have to feel stuck in cycles of reactivity or weighed down by embarrassment or regret. There’s a way to parent that honors both your love for your children and your desire to grow as a caregiver.

By exploring mindful and intentional approaches to parenting, you can transform moments of frustration into opportunities for connection and understanding. These shifts not only help your children thrive but also bring peace and confidence to your role as a parent. Change is possible, and it starts with acknowledging the desire for something different.

Practical Tools for Breaking the Cycle

Just as a vehicle needs maintenance to function well, so do we. I would like to focus on some much needed things for a parent to thrive in a busy world. Some ways you can reset or replenish in order to face another day include mindfulness exercises, journaling to track and unpack triggers, being intentional with connecting with other parents so you don’t feel alone, exercising to release frustration, and expressing gratitude to yourself every day. 

·  Mindfulness Exercises: Practice even brief mindfulness moments during your day—like a two-minute breathing exercise before engaging with your kids or a mindful walk. These can anchor you and help you reset when stress levels rise.

·  Journaling for Triggers: When journaling, explore patterns behind your triggers. What recurring themes do you notice? Writing not only helps unpack emotions but also creates opportunities for self-awareness and growth. The more you know, the more you grow.

·  Intentional Connection with Other Parents: Building a support network can be as simple as joining a parenting group or organizing casual meet-ups. Sharing stories with other parents reminds you that you're not alone in your struggles.

·  Exercise to Release Frustration: Find a form of movement you enjoy—dancing with your kids, yoga, or a quick workout. The goal isn’t just fitness; it’s releasing the tension stored in your body.

·  Expressing Gratitude to Yourself: At the end of each day, write down one thing you did well as a parent. Gratitude toward yourself fosters self-compassion, which is vital for thriving amidst challenges.

Encouragement and Hope 

Breaking cycles takes time, and every effort you make is a step toward healthier parenting. Remember, you are doing the best you can with the tools you have right now to raise your children. Even if it feels unnoticed, your efforts matter and make a difference.

Take a moment to reflect on what we discussed here today. If you're feeling guilt or shame creeping in, let that be your reminder to pause, engage in something joyful, and pour love back into yourself. You can’t give from an empty cup, and self-love is a vital part of being the parent you strive to be.

If you felt like these words were speaking directly to you, don’t ignore that tug on your heart. It’s an invitation to take the next step in your journey. Reach out to me and schedule a call. You can email me directly to [email protected]. We can connect one-on-one to explore your needs and work toward the freedom and joy you deserve.

You are not alone, and change is possible. Let’s walk this path together.